I broke u with steve to have some 'me' time. and maybe patch things up with fletch after a big talk we had last wednesday. but then i spent a wonderful weekend with steve. he gives me butterflies when he looks at me or touches me.
now i am more unsure than ever of what i want to do or who i want to be with.
i cant stop thinking about steve. and all the bad/sad feelings i had about mine and fletchers break up have been pushed back.
i am confused, do i really want to patch things up with him? or do i just need/want his friendship and forgiveness.
am i really ready to give up steve? at the moment he is the one person supporting me in every decision i make, even in breaking up with him he was so understanding. he is my light. he makes me so happy.
god i am confused.
i saw a psychic and she was utterly amazing, i didnt say a word and she knew every detail of my life, my thoughts my feelings. she wants to help me, and thinks she can, but also thinks that seeing a psychologist may be the real help i need, the only way to overcome my own issues with myself.
do i really need to live my life alone to find happiness with myself?
ive started doing things, to get myself out of my depression, setting goals for myself.
* i got my learner licence, and im learning to drive, eventually ill get a car and try for my licence.
* i want to get into childcare, and ive looked into going about getting all the necessary prerequisites.
* i want to get healthy, start cooking dinner and making a recipe book instead of eating canned soup or nothing at all every night.
* i want to join a dance class and start doing yoga at home.
* and then plan my europe trip with my sister for next year.
i want to find myself, and become a better me.
My hair is brown! pictures from sunday:
My entries have been a little depressing of late.
The whole love/relationship situation.
But on saturday i spent the entire day talking with stevie. I finally told him i was still in love with fletcher, but that i love him aswell. and how deeply confused i am. he was nothing but understanding, and told me he was aware of me still loving fletcher.
it was really good to talk about it. He doesnt want me to give up on him like i give up on everything else.
Saturday night : stayed up until 5am with lucy watching buffy. Boyfriend came home at 5am from partying and we were still up. he thinks we are geeks.
Sunday : Went rollerskating with steve around his suburb, he rode his bike. Had such a fun day. i feel like some weight has been lifted by being honest with him, and we feel closer than ever.
My entries have been a little depressing of late.
The whole love/relationship situation.
But on saturday i spent the entire day talking with stevie. I finally told him i was still in love with fletcher, but that i love him aswell. and how deeply confused i am. he was nothing but understanding, and told me he was aware of me still loving fletcher.
it was really good to talk about it. He doesnt want me to give up on him like i give up on everything else.
Saturday night : stayed up until 5am with lucy watching buffy. Boyfriend came home at 5am from partying and we were still up. he thinks we are geeks.
Sunday : Went rollerskating with steve around his suburb, he rode his bike. Had such a fun day. i feel like some weight has been lifted by being honest with him, and we feel closer than ever.
Life has never been so hard.
I am so confused.
last night i played the subways album, and cried my little heart out. every single song reminded me of fletcher, a few of the songs he had put on various mix cassettes throughtout the earlier stages of our relationship, and it just brought all the memories flooding back.
it didnt help me to then go on and look through all our old photo albums. hundreds of photos of the past 2 years.
i loved him so much. For those of you who dont know, he left me when i confessed to kissing another man. How could i have done something like that? we were having problems, but it could have all been fixed with time, but instead i do the worst thing possible to set in concrete our break-up.
Now I am dating the other man, and he's wonderful, he loves me, he adores me, we have so much fun laughing and playing together.
But i am still in love with fletcher. How can i be in love with 2 incredble men at the same time? and how do i know if i am making the right decision. I have already hurt fletch, and i dont want to hurt stevie now.
but i am so confused, i think deep down in my heart i know that fletcher is the one. But i am scared of losing steve, what if i try to work it out with fletch and it just isnt the same anymore? and i know it wont be, he has alot of pain, hurt and mistrust towards me.
Nothing has ever hurt so much.
When i am with stevie i am so happy and so in love, but as soon as i am alone fletcher is the only thing i think about and it hurts so much inside.
i dont know how to make the pain stop.
Fletch
I am so confused.
last night i played the subways album, and cried my little heart out. every single song reminded me of fletcher, a few of the songs he had put on various mix cassettes throughtout the earlier stages of our relationship, and it just brought all the memories flooding back.
it didnt help me to then go on and look through all our old photo albums. hundreds of photos of the past 2 years.
i loved him so much. For those of you who dont know, he left me when i confessed to kissing another man. How could i have done something like that? we were having problems, but it could have all been fixed with time, but instead i do the worst thing possible to set in concrete our break-up.
Now I am dating the other man, and he's wonderful, he loves me, he adores me, we have so much fun laughing and playing together.
But i am still in love with fletcher. How can i be in love with 2 incredble men at the same time? and how do i know if i am making the right decision. I have already hurt fletch, and i dont want to hurt stevie now.
but i am so confused, i think deep down in my heart i know that fletcher is the one. But i am scared of losing steve, what if i try to work it out with fletch and it just isnt the same anymore? and i know it wont be, he has alot of pain, hurt and mistrust towards me.
Nothing has ever hurt so much.
When i am with stevie i am so happy and so in love, but as soon as i am alone fletcher is the only thing i think about and it hurts so much inside.
i dont know how to make the pain stop.
Fletch
Stevie
incase youd forgotten what i look like... hahaha.
me at work. no make-up. [edit: it does look like ive got some of last nights eyeliner smudged on there actually] being bored.
me at work. no make-up. [edit: it does look like ive got some of last nights eyeliner smudged on there actually] being bored.
(will attach better photo when im at home and have access to one)
I live with my best friend of 9 years. Lucy.
We arent as close as we used to be when we were younger, but we've been through alot together, every first time, she was there. First time i got drunk, smoked, smoked pot, kissed a boy, lost my virginity (on the beach, at a party, a very drunk lucy came and passed out beside me and the boy) She was with me in the car accident that nearly took my life. The list goes on. She means the world to me. I would do anything for her.
Over the past few years juggling work, friends, boyfriends etc we havent got to spend as much quality time alone together.
But lately we have been spending atleast one night a week together, in my bed, eating soup, drinking tea, eating chocolate and smoking cigarettes while watching hours and hours of buffy.
we laugh, we cry, and its the most awesome thing ever.
Then she is usually too scared to go to her own bed (our house makes creepy noises and after watching vamps and demons for hours on end, i wouldnt wanna walk down our hallway either.) so she sleeps in mine.
July 17 was my last blog? It seems SO much longer. My little hiatus didn't last long now did it? The love and support I get from everyone here is so uplifting, it keeps me here, oh and the boobs.
Brainstorming idea's for another set and then got to find myself a photographer. Or hopefully work with the lovely Daeos again!
overview of the past 2 weeks:
Fletch left for Canada to visit our old housemates.
I have since ceased contact with him so I can use his time away to heal and grow, and hopefully my head and heart will become clearer.
Spent a night camping out in the bush with Stevie (my gypsy-pirate boyfriend) and his friends, we sat up all night by the fire, went for walks along the hills in the misty freezing cold and then went to sleep in the van by the river.
As soon as I was out there I felt instantly calm, the past 2 weeks of tears, sadness and stress were lifted away and I could not keep the huge grin from my face. It definitely brought Steve and I closer together, and made me realise I don't belong in the city. I need to be out in the bush, the freedom, the quiet. I grew up out there. The city is draining me.
I had a little medical problem and ended up needing external and internal ultrasounds (the latter was a little unpleasant, my legs shook like leaves in the wind and I couldn't stop whimpering and giggling.)
The lady said "that's all fine" to the first, but then during the internal one, whilst looking at my ovaries she stayed very quiet then told me she would fax my doc the results. So I spent the next 3 hours stressing over my ovaries.
It turned out everything was completely normal (thank god) so I stressed a little over nothing, but better to be safe than sorry.
I got a sweet email from my dad, He knows how much I've been hurting recently; it brought tears to my eyes. He's so sweet!
Subject: Just a reminder
" Hey Eesh,
I LOVE YOU WITH ALL MY HEART!
Dad."
I hope everyone is well
Love Aisha
xoxo
Brainstorming idea's for another set and then got to find myself a photographer. Or hopefully work with the lovely Daeos again!
overview of the past 2 weeks:
Fletch left for Canada to visit our old housemates.
I have since ceased contact with him so I can use his time away to heal and grow, and hopefully my head and heart will become clearer.
Spent a night camping out in the bush with Stevie (my gypsy-pirate boyfriend) and his friends, we sat up all night by the fire, went for walks along the hills in the misty freezing cold and then went to sleep in the van by the river.
As soon as I was out there I felt instantly calm, the past 2 weeks of tears, sadness and stress were lifted away and I could not keep the huge grin from my face. It definitely brought Steve and I closer together, and made me realise I don't belong in the city. I need to be out in the bush, the freedom, the quiet. I grew up out there. The city is draining me.
I had a little medical problem and ended up needing external and internal ultrasounds (the latter was a little unpleasant, my legs shook like leaves in the wind and I couldn't stop whimpering and giggling.)
The lady said "that's all fine" to the first, but then during the internal one, whilst looking at my ovaries she stayed very quiet then told me she would fax my doc the results. So I spent the next 3 hours stressing over my ovaries.
It turned out everything was completely normal (thank god) so I stressed a little over nothing, but better to be safe than sorry.
I got a sweet email from my dad, He knows how much I've been hurting recently; it brought tears to my eyes. He's so sweet!
Subject: Just a reminder
" Hey Eesh,
I LOVE YOU WITH ALL MY HEART!
Dad."
I hope everyone is well
Love Aisha
xoxo
Life is a little difficult at the moment.
Sorry if i dont return messages or comments.
Im just trying to sort myself out.
Ill be back to my old self eventually.
Its just taking a little longer than i expected.
The past few months have been rough, im still as confused as ever. I have never been so sad in my entire life. It feels like there is this black hole inside of me.
Guilt. Fear. Loss. Love. Its all blurring into one.
I no longer know who I am and I feel like the ghost of a total stranger.
Sorry if i dont return messages or comments.
Im just trying to sort myself out.
Ill be back to my old self eventually.
Its just taking a little longer than i expected.
The past few months have been rough, im still as confused as ever. I have never been so sad in my entire life. It feels like there is this black hole inside of me.
Guilt. Fear. Loss. Love. Its all blurring into one.
I no longer know who I am and I feel like the ghost of a total stranger.
i know everyone hates a shameless self promotion blog...
but oh well.
I have a new set in member review, shot by Daeos under his house, on his dad's old car. I am trying to thank everyone for their lovely comments, but my internet is really slow!
My scars:
I was in a car accident when I was 13; I was in the middle backseat, with the lap belt, a car crashed into ours head-on. My stomach and bowel both ruptured, and my L2 - L3 vertebrate fractured, so I've got 2 bolts in there to help keep me all in place and scars down my back and front.
Thank you's:
I want to thank Dye for helping so much! Passing the Jack Daniels when I needed to get warmed up, (It was freezing!) and running to get more smokes from the servo. (She really hated that)
And thanks Daeos for photographing me, and making me feel so comfortable. During the shoot he came out with a comment about me having "intimidating labia" (it's always something I've been really self conscious about, but after shooting with Daeos, I feel a lot more comfortable with myself and my errr bits.) and he is just so amazing and easy to work with.
Ghost - Driven
but oh well.
I have a new set in member review, shot by Daeos under his house, on his dad's old car. I am trying to thank everyone for their lovely comments, but my internet is really slow!
My scars:
I was in a car accident when I was 13; I was in the middle backseat, with the lap belt, a car crashed into ours head-on. My stomach and bowel both ruptured, and my L2 - L3 vertebrate fractured, so I've got 2 bolts in there to help keep me all in place and scars down my back and front.
Thank you's:
I want to thank Dye for helping so much! Passing the Jack Daniels when I needed to get warmed up, (It was freezing!) and running to get more smokes from the servo. (She really hated that)
And thanks Daeos for photographing me, and making me feel so comfortable. During the shoot he came out with a comment about me having "intimidating labia" (it's always something I've been really self conscious about, but after shooting with Daeos, I feel a lot more comfortable with myself and my errr bits.) and he is just so amazing and easy to work with.
Ghost - Driven
Friday 6th june, before hair expo, had been in the salon from 2pm til 12am... missed the last train to my boyfriends house, went to rics. got drunk. (ended up getting the bus to my boyfriends at 5am with a few of his friends. he was waking up to go to work at 6am when we arrived.. ooops)
But this was at rics with Mark and Sarah.
oh dear!
cute?
i love my marky!
the 3 of us love a friggin photo!
cuddles on the dancefloor.
yes - my handbag is an enviromental shopping bag. yes - i take it out to bars and dance with it.
i am beeeeaming. theo and i are both wearing beanies because we had to hide our hair before hair expo incase competing salons stole ides!
If you got this far... i need opinions.
what colour should i dye my hair? the roots were recently dyed chocolate brown, and it will take too much time and money to get it back to blonde, so i cant really stay blonde... plus it costs $200 a month, when i could just dye it brown from a $10 box once a month..
OH and keep your eyes peeled for me on friday!
But this was at rics with Mark and Sarah.
oh dear!
cute?
i love my marky!
the 3 of us love a friggin photo!
cuddles on the dancefloor.
yes - my handbag is an enviromental shopping bag. yes - i take it out to bars and dance with it.
i am beeeeaming. theo and i are both wearing beanies because we had to hide our hair before hair expo incase competing salons stole ides!
If you got this far... i need opinions.
what colour should i dye my hair? the roots were recently dyed chocolate brown, and it will take too much time and money to get it back to blonde, so i cant really stay blonde... plus it costs $200 a month, when i could just dye it brown from a $10 box once a month..
OH and keep your eyes peeled for me on friday!
