Happy New Year to everyone here on SG. May the new year and decade bring your wealth, good health, happiness and love.

Now....it's time to party to ring in the new year.

Why do I even bother?

So. Yeah. I auditioned for a play a week ago. I thought I did pretty well. There were things I would have liked to have done better, mind you, but I was happy with it. I got a callback. Awesome. The callback went pretty well, I thought, too. I read for 3 characters: the first one was alright, the second one, I think I could have done better, but I wasn't expecting to read for that character, and the third one, I felt I nailed. During the callback the director of the show gave a basic introduction to a physical movement style called Slow Tempo, of which I'd had 3 summer's of physical acting workshop experience with (taken with the director), so I felt that might give me a leg up, as I knew what I was doing.

So when I get the email, telling me how hard a decision it was, how great a performer I am, but that she didn't cast me...


I realize I'm just not cut out for this business. I used to be. But not anymore. It's clearly been to long. I was really putting a lot of hope into this show. I really needed this. I have been starved on soul food for so fucking long....I really thought I had a shot at this. And the platitudes delivered while telling me I'm not fit for the show? It hurts. My skin used to be thicker than this. I guess it's not like riding a bike, I suppose.

Six years ago, the last time I auditioned for a show (and was actually cast), There were three shows performing, and I was called back for all three. At the callback, I saw the talent that was there, and so did the directors, and they all wanted me in their show. I heard later, that there was a discussion amongst them about who was going to get me. Six years later, and this seems to have changed.

Have I gotten worse? Am I horribly rusty? Has the rest of the theater community gotten better? Is what the directors are looking for changed? I have no fucking idea. All I know, is that 2 of 3 auditions I've been to in the last year and half I have now been told how great I was at the callback...but just wasn't quite good enough to be cast. But I made it a difficult decision for them. Yay me! Whoop-de-fuckin'-do. The third audition, I wasn't happy with my performance that the callback called for...it was an odd show, and I didn't really see myself in any of the parts, so I didn't care about that one not casting me after the callback. I expected it.

But this last one...I really though I had a shot. And not getting cast affects me more now than it did in fucking high school. I really needed this. My life has felt so incredibly stagnant that I'm practically screaming inside my head...I was so looking forward to this way too much. To do acting again, on stage, after so long without it...I enjoy it to a degree that nothing has ever compared to for the last 6 years. Nothing. There isn't a month that has gone by since the last time I did a real show that I don't regret the time that has passed since I was last doing a real fucking show. Everything seemed right this time....the work schedule for the time in question looked like it wouldn't be asking too much of me like it has since fucking February, there wasn't anything personally that was going to be getting in the way--all the conditions were right. And most importantly, I was ready. God Damnit, I've BEEN ready! Life just never seems to fit. This time? It seemed like everything else in my life was actually fitting.

I really needed this. Fuck.

Took some time but I've finally posted my Vegas pics on Facebook!

Vegas pics!

"Excellent, Smithers!"


I will be in Vegas, Sunday 3/29 - Wednesday 4/1.

Took some extra hours and focus to make sure it could happen, but I turned in the vacation request today.


This will be the first time I've been to Vegas "for real". Going down there for a friend's birthday thing. I'd been there on a couple family road trips when i was like...10...and a roadtrip in college consisted of us stopping there at night, going nowhere near the strip, parking in a parking lot and sleeping in our VW camper we were all in, getting breakfast the following morning in the casino we were next to, and then leaving.

So I don't really feel I've "been" to Vegas. Looking forward to it.

Was going to go to Finn McCool's, but there's no school tomorrow, which means it would be super crowded, and filled with frat guys. Blech. Did that last month when there was a Monday holiday and that was just way too annoying. Was playing some cribbage with friends, and a group of frat fucks were hovering over our table, farting in faces to try and make us leave.

At one point, one of them, in a weak and uneducated attempt to make fun of us, asked me if I was playing Magic the Gathering. I actually had to stop what I was doing, I was so incredulous. "What?? Really?? Do these even LOOK like fucking Magic cards to you? Have you never seen regular playing cards before? Jesus!" That shut him up and he left us alone. I don't normally put try to antagonize the frat crowd, especially when they are in a group, but...come on! Stupidest thing I'd ever heard.

So yeah, didn't want to do Finn's tonight. Fortunately, a birthday karaoke party was scheduled in it's place...but that was canceled, due to the birthday girl still getting over a really bad Avian-SARS thing. So now I'm just sitting at home watching TV, contemplating if I should (or even want to?) open a bottle of Night Owl.


Meh. Don't really want to stay home, but don't really want to bother going out either. At least I'm saving money, right? :/

Meh.

Depression sucks. I hate how it just kinda lurks in the background, always kinda there, at least tolerable most of the time, but sometimes just leaps out of nowhere, in your face, like a hobo bothering you on the bus while you're trying to read. And I hate how it always brings me to the same thoughts about the futility of relationships. And no, it has nothing to do with Valentine's Day. Probably more to do with the tiny, dying kernel left of the naivety of my youth.

Wasn't like there was anything to trigger it. Just...suddenly, there it is.

Anyway...whatever. It'll pass. Always has, always will.

MAJOR Pic dump from my camera. The last 2.5 months worth. I'd copy the post from LJ, but the html tags don't work the same on this blog system. So, I give you a link to the LJ article to save time.

http://zen-sorcere.livejournal.com/273823.html?#cutid1


Call me lazy; that's fine. But! It's another Blog post, so what are you complaining about?

Look! A Blog! Woohoo! I'm so overjoyed to have a Blog entry, you just wouldn't believe it. Bloggy, blog, blog. Blog!

To be honest, I haven't really been using this feature, because any blogging I might normally do is usually done over at LiveJournal, which I\'ve had for a damn long time, like 10 years. LJ has the additional bonus of being checkable at work, whereas SG...not so much. Logically, SG doesn't get as much face time with Zen as LJ does. But hey! At least there's an entry here now, and I can officially be considered a member of the community. Because I was told I should have a blog entry to be "cool".

Look! I'm Cool! Woohoo! I'm so overjoyed to be considered cool, you just wouldn't believe it. Coolio, cool beans, cool. Cool!......