Since I can effectively say with 99.9% certainty barring vision loss, and a complete loss of my sense of touch coupled with complete and total amnesia that I eam meant to die alone... and sad....

can't it just hurry up.

Hiring someone just to play pretend isn't anymore effective than play pretend and escapism via imagination and vicarious living anyways...

I'm jealous of you, I'm jealous of your parents, and I'll be jealous and hate your goddamned fucking kids too.

-sigh-

If miracles did happen convince me. No platitudes, no cliches, and don't even dare mentionc all girls and rent a friends and synthetic laboratory created cathartic numbness bottled for mass human consumption on an epic scale.

*le sigh*

yeah. that's about all.

Blah.

lol.

-shrug-

Boredom and isolation.

Someone give me a reason to actually wake up with a smile and a warm thought again.

Until then folks I'll just hide in my shell or some such. IDK.

It really is a combination of thinking too much and needing certain factors socially and emotionally present.

IBlah.

Also every other friend you have being busy or snubbing blows.

So do lucid nightmares.

I need a break. Before ...... well I do drive everyone away. Even though I think I already have. I don't know. There's nothing to do in the4se podunk small everyone knows everyone and is just like everyone and conventional morality and ethics are all the same towns.

I need my fantasy. Somewhere different that isnt total culture shock where I can just blend in seemlessly. But where is it. Moreover how would I find company that woudlnt bore of me, or be too busy for me most of the time (which has always been an issue)

I seem to be really good at burning bridges and horrible at building them. Much like I'm great at being noticed for bad things. But not so much for good things.

I have nothing to blog about ever. I'm not even sad save for a few certain things entirely beyond my control.... and they are entire.ly beyond my ocontrol but that doesnt keep them from hurting and hurting until I blow up into a giant wreck.

I'm just bored of all the same. And my happy place is an alternate reality where certain things are very different, namely how much easier it would be to be charismatic or well liked, to have company oh and yes the needy bastard wants to be held... and not just by anyone sue him for that whydoncha.

I mean crap marathons of grinding on a lame mmo , and nobody to share anything I at least used to have interest in (everything costs so damned much it's tough to keep up....... --- yes gamers this means you as the game companies charge an arm leg and kidney for what a good majority of seems increasingly SHITTY.)

So yeah pretty much everyone with my common interests.... or who I'd get along well with on paper and premise... I need a place. I would say I missed my friends but lately and increasingly over the past year and a half I've had such severe doubts as to the value that others would hold over friendships, as I tend to value them more than I feel valued, or feel like a nuisance pest bother or fifth wheel or too intense or overpowering to begin with so.......

One big giant mental clusterfuck. And forget talking to anyone around here.... its funny that everyone says get a life like its such a grand easy thing to do..... no it isnt. We are talking about a world where flipping a burger with high schoolers requires a formal interview ok? We are talking about a world where I was eexcluded and ostracized by an entire generation worth of people to such an extenet that the only company I recieved was out of insincerity, or because I was useful for a dumping ground or to be used.... ergo I have no idea anymore when something seems anything remotely hollow what is goign on in your heads...... why because I'm the needy one, or I feel inadequate......

its all too long dont read stuff.
I'd actually get smashed but I have no one fun to drink with.
And I'd be interfering with their lives or their urrent, or their ex wife or their little kids or whatever it is people with lives go about doing after theyve gotten allt he fun parts out of the way and moved on to the not so idyllic, not so white picket fence life.....


Back to level grinding for who knows how long.

I wish I were interesting, or fun or witty or smart, but how can I think any of these things of myself, when in comtrast to those who are charismatic, who people seem to be drawn to without them so much as saying a word, while I sit in silence envying the air they breathe and the ground they walk upon simply because theyre them (and inherently good) and I'm me.... which if it were also as good, would recieve teh same benefit.

Tired. Bored. Emo. And a waste.

Sick of being myself.

So is anyone I'd ever want to impress. Anyone I'd want.

-shrug-

Everything else life has to offer for me, that I'm good enough for. Is simply leftovers scraps and boring.

-ALL- of it.

Blech.

Seriously.

And that shouldn't be the sum of my existance either. As of right now though, it kind of is, I don't want it to end, mind you I'm not particularly very fond of it, or my place in the scheme of things either.

Hopefully I feel better soon. I think physical illness lends itself to emoness that much more so.


<3

Must stop wanting something that became impossibly hopeless even as a fantasy for me while others were busy experiencing it. And still are, just not my lame boring ass stupid generation that shunned me

Put two plus two together and get five to find out why I'll always be unhappy. I have :

I'm too emo because of it. And in every pretty face in every cuteness and grace there is a reminder of someone elses little slice of bliss.

Also I'm dying of broedom isolation and being an utter wreck.

... this blog still sounds too fucking stupid and whiny.

I give up. Wait like anyone reads this garbage banter anyway?

-yawn-

Happy hoe hoe days....