So I've been away since my last post.... I can't deal with my heartache. Or I couldn't, I'm not sure which it is yet. I've been running away from feeling anything by constant drinking and constantly being out. I don't or can't handle what I've learned... My Ex has stated he wants to remain friends. He still cares about me and wants to make sure I'm ok and happy. But sadly, I was happy with him and now I am not. He keeps asking me about my dating life. I am dating, I don't know if I am exactly ready to be dating but I am . He wants me to find someone and be happy, like he is happy. He keeps coming into my life. Now he texts me. I won't text him in days but he will text to check on me.
I don't know what to do I don't reach out to him but when he texts me I can't not answer. I loved him, I still love him. I wish I didn't. I wish i hated him. and I should now, now that he told me that not only did he not love me but he never believed me when I told him I loved him. Which is why even though it bothered him to see someone else it didn't hurt him too much.
The pain was bad when he told me he was seeing someone else, but I was getting over it slowly. And now I learned he never believed me when I said how I felt for him. He said that I never let anyone in but that was a lie, I let him in utterly and completely I trusted him I wanted to be everything for him. The pain is so bad I think I would die, and yet here I am breathing...
Now I am not sure if the pain is sadness or unplaced rage. I want to hit him, I want to hurt him the way he hurt me.