on here since '03 NO DICE.
whatever. it's fine
i was not meant to be naked on the interweb despite so many horrific tries. i appreciate that i finally got the point, though still, there is that stupid dumb ego in me that likes positive-reinforcement-lies
stupid dumb no self esteem. no one else's fault, media, a little, but my own fault for the win
work till rehab
after rehab,
meet Kai in Texas. Grapevine? 20 minutes from Dallas i guess?
chill there for a few months.
Try to figure out my shit, then come back, with or without a Kai.
And i totally wish i could just drive out and visit Dinh for a couple days.
No idea when i'm going to see him. He always going to be one of my best friends.
I want him to be happy. I really don't want to go to Texas as i do not thrive in hot weather and sunshine.
Yikes. oh well. Must lose weight. and try to do it in a healthy manner...mostly
so sleepy
He has to be there for six months to train people and he wants me to come with... hmmmm
Looking forward to Saturday, though i will be meeting the Mr's mother, but also some sort of craft convention in Boston. I feel like seven kinds of fat ass. Looking forward to some partner in crime time when my "p.i.c." and i start going for daily (i assume daily) walks in the mornings. I'm not sure that I'll lose weight but maybe...and i'll be healthy and we'll be sober and healthy together. Good wholesome bonding. Though drunken bonding is always fun with her as well.
Hmm what the shit was a i going to say. She and i after work Sunday are going to go out for Vietnayummies!
And you?
my entry just got deleted. i seem to fuck things up real easy on the laptop
my allergies seem to be up my butt. Playdate tonight. family play date tomorrow and work and play date Sunday. I can dig it. I miss D. I blarg. I wish he was here right now. He'd be cuddled up with Sam. I wish he didn't have to move away. I have almost 100% decided to stop trying to pursue the guy that is a flake. Blah blah i am better than that or some junk.
I have a good amount of heck going on. I hope to hear if there were any results to be had from the sleep study from a couple weeks ago. I don't like not being able to sleep. I still think about Renato.
I have till May first to either move to Manchester or find a job around town. What i would really like to do is move to Manchester to work part time at my job but like still do something with hair dressing. It's just like, i've been there so long and i can't drive so i can't just roll up and visit my friends when ever. And my close friends don't drive so...Yeah to stay working there, i would get paid well, and see my friends. I only really dislike one person that works there and that fuck i believe is going to a different store at some point.
A pet friendly apartment is about a grand a month so it's like 200 plus more expensive than a place that doesn't allow pets.
I've just been thinking a lot. About who i call my friends and what they really consist of, like on the inside. I'm not sure if that makes sense.
I've also been drinking more (at night) which is pretty shitty, but it helps me fall asleep. It doesn't help me stay asleep at all but i just want sleep. I'm not taking xanax anymore and i'm glad about that because i didn't realize that it was more addictive than ambien. That's a bit fucked!
The problem that got me the boot from rehab hasn't been that bad, except for whatever day...or night, maybe wednesday night. i went a bit over board but i couldn't stop eating!
i got to figure out how to, despite being fucking exhausted inside and out, muster up the motivation to be active to be able to sleep better at night and maybe drop a little weight. I guess being over-weight and having insomnia tend to go hand in hand. That's what the sleep tech told me.
Blah blah. i'm still very sleepy and slept in SOOOO f-ing late today. I didn't mean to but i guess perhaps it was needed.
he made me feel like i was beautiful. because...i don't seem to know how to feel that way on my own.
i know i don't need a mate or whatever to validate how i feel, or should feel. or how i should see myself. but...dang. i can't...luckily i burned my bridges with the guy i had broke things off with.
i guess i just don't like being alone. the way he would look at me. he thought i was beautiful. no one has ever looked at me like that. it was amazing. i felt like we were connecting more and more.
but he felt like a second choice. that's not fair to him. but...i was happy with him. even in a sour mood i'd slowly get out of it. I will find someone that accepts me for who i am on all counts... It seems like it's taking a really long time. I do think i am...pretty, i'm usually pleasant to be around. i just am very sad right now. Life can always be worse. I'd like a companion to share it with i guess. And I miss Dinh. I have a headache. I want to go to sleep.
I'm off tomorrow and maybe i will fix my hair tomorrow. i'm cold, and sad. and lame. I shouldn't be like this. Life can always be worse. And i'm lucky to have what i have. I know this.
R is on my mind. He's taking the weekend off from me. I think D is mad at me. It turns out he's going back to CA. I wish he never moved away. But whatever. He has his faith to guide him. I'm not saying i'm without but....I question why he gets shit on so much...R said he'll know by Monday if he wants to continue to pursue anything. I have my thoughts but will keep them to myself in case he wants to creep on here. I'll leave it public too. I am waiting for my sister to come pick me up and then we're going to snag her son, head back to my mom's and play some quality 3ds. I still have some stickiness from the tape on me. And i have red-marks from where the wires were on my face. I bruise or red or blotch quite easily.
In theory tomorrow night i'm going to see Amy and cut her hair. But who knows. I have basically been awake since six this morning. Started to doze from like 12:30 to 1ish. But got up and did some light shopping with Papa Ump.
Sam is not the poster child for motivation. That's for fucking sure! But i loves him so.
Thinking back I realize I told the fella that did my sleep study that I crapped on the survey instead of writing nice things about him..I'm a charmer..
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my facebook post. tee-hee. It's like i was just talking to my mother about R and then he's like we need to take a break. I was telling my counselor things were going pretty well. But whatever happens happens. And i will continue my trek with or without...bleh.
Ps- i need to recolour my hair in the worst way. it's like this sewagey blue, green, brown/red mess. All up on my cranium. No thank you.
Ps i like the uh...Being Human UK version.
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