Hello boys and girls
Not really quite sure what to write today but I'll have a go since it's been a little while since I blogged.

Remember how I was saying I'm giving up on Alex, moving on and all that jazz?
Isn't it funny as soon as I mentioned that I'm refusing to chase him anymore, he freaks out, starts asking a whole load of questions and gets all clingy?
Still, it's nice to finally feel in control of the situation.

He had a go at me the other day for chatting to his mate Gavin for oh, I dunno, ten minutes when I was round the other day. Apparently that means that there's something going on between us, obivously. So I got yelled at and accused of only ever coming round because I just want to see his friends and don't even like him anymore.

Two words:
Grow.
Up.

Jesus.

So anyway, even though he's still pissing me off, it's actually all good. I'm coping better than I was, and I'm sure it's just a matter of time before it all dies down.

I had cuddles and sexy times with a nice boy last night He calls me pretty and makes me smile It's nice *blush*

In other news, I'm due to start tutoring A Level maths in the next few weeks, and I'm bricking it! I've also got that Disney audition coming up which I'm also freaking out about!!!! Other exciting news, hmmm let me see... My friend Hannah and I are maybe starting a band... I haven't sung in front of anyone in about 2 or 3 years because I am terribly shy and totally lost my confidence, but I relaly want to get back into performing. I'm excited

Oh yeah, this is the weird colour my hair is at the moment... I completely killed it with bleach and I may have to cut it all off Blah. But yeah. PIGTAILS FTW!!



I also just wanted to say thank you so much to everyone that's been commenting my photos and making me smile with your sweet compliments

I wuv you all.


Wil
-x-

P.S. Expect a full set from me some time in the next month or so hopefully

I almost forgot!
Here's a couple of girls I would really love to see go pink.
These sets are beautiful and really deserve a look

First things first.

The boy. You know who I'm talking about. I need to get this out because it's doing my head in. And I know you guys will listen.

I found these lyrics when I was tidying my room today...
As far as lyrics go, they're complete shite, but they made things a little bit clearer for me.

___________________________________________________________________________

I don't believe you anymore
Give me one good reason to believe your words mean shit
You led me down this road
But you won't even hold me
Tell me you love me
Tell me that you hate me
The lies will entangle
And soon you're gonna fall
Everyone sees you for what you are

My heart beats for you
But I think yours might be dead
Push me away
Heartbroken and alone
And leave me out in the cold

As the sky falls

I want you to know I'm yours
Let it rain down on me
I want you to know I'll wait forever
Rain down on me
You're the black cloud hanging over me
But you're all I can see
Rain down on me

____________________________________________________________

Reading that made me realise a few things:
- It's completely unrealistic to believe that I can put my life on hold while he makes up his mind about me
- There are plenty of other guys who will (and want to) treat me right
- He's making me miserable and I don't need that

So I've made up my mind about us. I'm not waiting anymore. I just can't. It's breaking my heart. Yeah, I love him, and yeah, I'd love to get to a point where we could get back together and make things work. But I just don't see it happening. I'm sick of him telling me that he still has feelings for me, but asking me to give it time. I think I've given it long enough. I need to stop this now.

On Tuesday it'll be 3 years exactly since we met. So on Tuesday, I'm giving him everything I've written to or for him in the last few months. I want him to know how I feel, and I want this to be it. He needs to understand that I've waited long enough for him, I've been punished enough for what I did and I need to move on.

So that's that.
I'm seeing other people. I went on a bit of a date last night actually, and it made me really happy I'm finding it a bit difficult getting used to someone telling me I'm pretty, holding my hand and genuinely wanting to spend time with me. But I've realised that Alex isn't the only one in the world who finds me attractive or fun to be around.

So yeah.
*Sighs*

On another note, I'm really enjoying being back in SG land Hoping to shoot something proper soon with my lovely Vermin-head, KABOOSH!



And yes, another hair colour...
Which will probably last a few days as I'm going back to blonde



I gots my tongue pierced too First ink should be coming soon, oh the excitement!

Lots of love,
Wil
x

And of course, some of my favourite sets from MR I think you should check out

Yeah, I know I haven't been around for a while.
It's been a bit mental lately to say the least.

Nothing much has changed since my last blog, I'm still finding everything with Alex really hard to deal with... Actually, more so this week. He moved out of our old place and into a new flat with one of his mates. And it just hit me how fast he's moving on without me. I'll never be able to sleep in 'our' bed again, I'll never be able to cuddle him on 'our' sofa, I have no memories of us in his new flat and I hate it. All I can think about is his new life, and that I should be the one moving in with him, not Chris. I hate it. It makes me so so sad. I don't want him to move on without me, I want my baby back It's just so painful.

Apart from that bullshit, I'm doing fine.
Just working and partying, same old thing.

I've been thinking recently...
I'm gonna give it a few more months with Alex, because waiting around for him to forgive me and take me back is really killing me and I can't handle it anymore.
If it's over for good, I'm leaving.

Disneyland Tokyo are holding auditions in London at the end of the month for characters.
Not only have I always dreamed of getting paid to prance around in pretty dresses all day and make children smile, Japan is THE number one place I want to visit in the whole wide world.
Maybe 6 months away from the stinking UK will do me good.
Plus it'll give me a chance to improve my Japanese
Well, I won't get ahead of myself.
I haven't done any acting in a good few years, and I'm terrified.
But I keep telling myself I want to get back into performing...So I reckon I should.
It'd be stupid to miss out on an opportunity like that.

In HAIR news....
Well, I might as well just show you with pictures.

It started off with dark red...


Then it got a bit brighter...


And a bit brighter...


And then once I'd gotten it the colour I wanted, I decided I wanted to go back to my natural blonde (what an idiot)

Soooo I pre-lightened it....And it went orange.


After another lot, it was pink, orange and yellow.
Like some kind of fish... Or one of them Fruit Salad sweets.
So I did it AGAIN.
And this is the colour it is now.



And even though I want to be blonde again, and am HIGHLY pissed off at the red thart won't budge (I've never had problems with getting colour out before!), I'm actually quite liking the orangey colour it is now So I'm just going to enjoy the peachyness until my hair's in good enough condition to strip it again.

Oh yeah, and I know some of you have been wondering where my first self-shot practice set was...
I deleted it.
I hated it.
It was terrible.

So I shot something new...
Which is still terrible...
And I still hate...
But it's better than the last pile of shite

Check it out.

Just a quick update today.

I've realised a few things lately...
I'm too nice to people because I crave their attention.
I let people walk all over me and take advantage of me because I'd rather have shit friends than no friends at all.
I decided that's going to change.
I'm cutting a whole lot of people out of my life, because I don't need all that negative energy in it.
For once, I'm not so scared of being alone.
I have decent friends that will stand by me no matter what, I don't need these kind of dickheads in my life, what am I doing?
They can get fucked.

Rant over.

I'm still feeling a little fragile, but I'm starting to dust myself off and figure things out so I can stand on my own two feet for once. I'm positive about the future... Most of the time.

The only thing that's getting me down at the moment is being friends with Alex... It's just so hard. We're trying to be friends but I can't help having feelings for him. I still love him, he still has feelings for me, we have a great time when we're together... But he doesn't want to get back together... Yet. Apparently I have to wait and see what happens. I just wish I knew how long I have to wait... Waiting is painful >.<

Anyway, enough of that depressing stuff, I'm sorry.

GUESS WHAT I DID AT THE WEEKEND?
Apart from taking stupid amounts of various illegal things, I went all the way up to the North of England to finall meet my good friend Vermin
We drank wine and watched The Boosh and ate food like little piggies YAY!
But I was a lame-o and kept falling asleep haha

Oh and...
We didn't cam whore
I meant to... But I forgot.

I SLEPT IN VERMIN'S BED

OOOOOOH and
I have new hair
It's meant to be a lot brighter but I didn't buy enough bleach....I'll be redoing it soon though so expect new pictures in the next few weeks





OH
and
I wanted to show someone this.
I don't know why.
It's one of my most treasured possesions...
9 and a half hours in the freezing rain but it was all worth it
Johnny Depp, Alan Rickman and Timothy Spall.
I'm such a fucking geek.



P.S. Pystol well made me want to make a video blog, so like... Give me some ideas of what to do / any questions you want answered... Or something Keep it clean peeps.

I'M LISTENING TO HANNAH MONTANA.
FUCK YOU.

Hey.

Thanks for all the comments and messages, I'm slowly working my way through them at the moment now I'm feeling like my head's screwed on a (little) bit better...

I'm not killing myself.
But only because of my mum's reaction.
I couldn't do that to my family.
No matter how bad I think my life is, it wouln't be anywhere near as awful as my family's life if I killed myself.
I need to stop being so selfish.

i'm still feeling pretty shitty...
I'm trying my best, and i think the anti-depressants are starting to take effect, which is great...
But no amount of pills can heal a broken heart

I want him back so bad, but I messed up real bad and there's nothing I can do to fix it.
I love him so much and I just can't stop thinking about him.
We both hurt each other real bad, and I just want to put it all in the past and try again.
Start over, brand new, go back to the beginning, dating, cuddling, fooling around.
It breaks my heart that he won't take me back.
He says he still loves me and misses me but because of what I did he can't look at me the same way anymore.
I wish I'd never cheated on him, I wish I could turn back time.
It just seemed like the right thing to do at the time, I wanted to hurt him like he hurt me, I wanted to prove a point.
Maybe he just needs time to forgive and forget... Or maybe this is it.
I don't want this to be it.
I love him so much
And now I'm crying again.
Great.
Sigh.

Anyway...

I thought I'd try and stop being so depressing and give you a blog you actually wanted to read... But I kinda failed that, didn't I? Ergh. So anyway, here are some new pictures for y'all.

My 'Groupie' pants my mum thought were amusing so bought for me!

And this is what I look like without make-up....Yurghhh!!!

And cuz I know how much you guys love awful drunk pictures of me....Lol...

You guys rock.
Thank you for everything.

Wil
xx



Oh and of course, some of my favourite sets that are up in Member Review at the moment, check them out

Okay, so I feel as if I should offer some explanation as to why I haven't been around very much lately...

The truth is, I'm struggling.
Really struggling.

I wake up every morning in tears, wishing I'd have miraculously died in my sleep.
Every day is a battle, and I can't fight anymore.

I miss my Alex, but he won't take me back. And yeah he was a dick to me half the time, but he was my baby. He was the only person that has ever made me feel like my life is worth living. And I lost him. I lost everything that mattered.

I spend every night alone, wishing that someone would take me out, someone would want to spend time with me.
But noone ever does.
I'm sick of asking people to go out all the time.
They must think I'm such a pain in the ass.

I'm alone.
I'm depressed.

And I've given my life one week to give me a reason to stick around.
After that, I'm done with it.

UPDATE:
Just finished speaking to my mum about how I felt. I hate myself so much for upsetting her so much and making her cry. She was begging me to speak to someone else because she can't handle her baby saying she wants to end her life. I didn't want to upset anybody I feel so terrible.

Also... I will respond to everyone's kind messages and comments soon, I just need to be in the right frame of mind... i.e. A lot calmer than I am now. Thank you to everyone though, seriously. I'll get back to you soon. Night night xxx

First off, thank you so much to everyone that commented my last blog. You're all so sweet. Things just got to me the other night, I was angry and upset and depressed and jealous and horrified all at the same time. And yes, it was over my ex. I really really miss him. I don't know what to do anymore, things are pretty difficult right now. I cut that night too, and I know many of you are gonna be disappointed in me I went to the doctors the morning after and asked to go back on my meds though, I don't wanna go back down that road again. So please don't worry about me. I'll be okay in the end, even if I have to live on happy pills the rest of my life. I refuse to let this ruin me.

Maybe people think I get a bit too personal in my blogs, but you know what? I don't care. Because I know that I won't be judged here. And it helps to vent.

The other night I posted those lyrics on my Facebook, and the girl that used to bully me in sixth form posted a comment on it simply saying "LOL". People don't fucking change. I'm so tired of having the piss taken out of me.

In other news, someone I thought was a good friend betrayed me today. I told them something in confidence and they went blabbing to the one person I didn't want it to get back to... The one person she KNEW I didn't want her to speak to it about. I am so riduculously angry and upset. The person she blabbed to - I may lose him as a friend because of this.

Why does everyone in my life fuck me over?!?!?!!!



Okay, rant over. Now for some more cheery blogging.

Remember I mentioned seeing MyIQ in Brighton the other week? I only managed to track down a couple of photos, but hey, you can see them if you want. How fucking pale do I look?! Lol.




And now for some pictures of one of the best nights of my life... Partying with Zebrahead in Newcastle on their tour bus, plus all the usual pre-gig pictures :p And yes, I was fucking wasted. What do you expect when there's free beer and hot band members around?! Haha.











Fucking brilliant night. Seeing the lads again on Thursday night in Brighton, teehee, YAAY!

Also saw Fightstar live for the first time on Thursday night. They are just brilliant. Fan-fucking-tastic. I get a lot of stick for liking Fightstar, but I really don't care. They write amazing songs and they are one of the best live bands I've ever seen. You know you've done good at a gig when people come up to you at the train station after and comment on being one of the only girls in the mosh pit and congratulate you for being so fucking crazy.

Bit bruised though, bit bruised.

So yeah, that's me done blogging for tonight... That was a long 'un! :p
Big love to you all xxxx
-Wilona cuddles-

P.S. You really should comment on this set cuz it's absolutely beautiful. Show your support.



OH AND OMG I GOT MY NOSE PIERCED TODAY!!!

I feel like shite.
Absolute shite.

I was going to blog about my past week or so.
But to be quite honest, I can't be fucking bothered.
None of it seems to fucking matter.



Warning: Incessant ramblings of a depressive maniac.

'Handle With Care' read the label across her chest.
Ripped to shreds, and burnt to the ground.
Defenseless, exposed and alone.

Nothing left but desire.
Desire to run, desire to hide, desire to die.
Doesn't matter when, doesn't matter how.
The end is inevitable.

When the world wrongs you, wrong the world.
She lies in ruin, iniquity calls.
Smudges and scars, her confidants, her friends.
Chemical cures for broken whores.
Fragility never looked so fucking good.

And when it all comes to an end.
When death comes knocking at your door.
She'll be smiling.
Waiting.
For castigation to even the score.

Updaatteeee.

Okay so there might not actually be much to update but I felt like blogging for y'all

So what have I been upto lately?
To be honest, not much!
Working 9-5, Mon-Fri doing really boring office work.
And SG is blocked, damn it!!!
Other than that, I've just been bumming around getting drunk and stoned with my girls




I'm getting really sick of living in Croydon, it's full of chavs, and violence, and there's basically nowhere to go, no alternative scene or anything.
I've lost a lot of friends recently after breaking up with my ex, who's managed to turn quite a few people against me.
I'm hoping to save up some cash and move down to Brighton in the next few months.
But saving up for a flat deposit is difficult when you're not earning much in the first place
I've been a bit down lately, cuz I don't have many good mates in the area I'm living in, and being alone on a Friday or Saturday night is really really depressing sometimes.
Why do half my best friends live so far away from me?

I'm doing okay though, just feeling a bit down about it all, it's so easy to feel alone sometimes.

Best night of the last week or so was the MyIQ gig in Brighton, during which I got rather drunk (but rather sad cuz they didn't have any cider in the venue ) and had a uhh...good time after
Sadly I don't have any pics of that night yet, not my camera.
But SOON!!!
For anyone with MySpace, ADD them, and tell them Wilona from SG sent you

IN OTHER NEWS.
I start my new part-time job next Saturday with Tequila Totties, I'm so ridiculously excited!!!
My first night is going to be a massive event at SeOne, London's biggest nightclub, 3000 capacity, it's gonna be crazy!! >.<
But lots and lots of fun!

I'm really excited about the next couple of weeks:
Zebrahead gig (guest listed baby ) in Newcastle, another MyIQ gig in London, followed by partying with Zebrahead in Brighton, plus FINALLY seeing Fightstar
Oh, and not to mention being in the audience for QI too!

Life's alright sometimes.

Anyways, dudes and dudettes, I'm off to get dressed and shove some make-up on!
And maybe play some guitar

Big love to you all! xxxx