Bad Karma
sometimes you get what you deserve not what you want.
my parents tried for 15 years to concieve. finally turning to fertility drugs. i wonder, did the chemicals alter me?
" that's the ugliest baby i ever saw" my dad was quoted as saying when i was born. great start to a great life.
sometimes you get what you deserve not what you want.
my parents tried for 15 years to concieve. finally turning to fertility drugs. i wonder, did the chemicals alter me?
" that's the ugliest baby i ever saw" my dad was quoted as saying when i was born. great start to a great life.
as i sit here shivering from the cold trying to save on my heating bill
memories come flooding back
that which i have tried to forget
breaking free from my mind
the 8 year old self
the 16 yearold self
the 24 year old self
each wants their say
but it's my 35 year old self paying the bills , typing with cold-numbed fingers trying to deal with them all
sadness
remorse
of a life ill spent
is there salvation? can we truly change?
or do we just learn to deny our selves
and hope for the best
memories come flooding back
that which i have tried to forget
breaking free from my mind
the 8 year old self
the 16 yearold self
the 24 year old self
each wants their say
but it's my 35 year old self paying the bills , typing with cold-numbed fingers trying to deal with them all
sadness
remorse
of a life ill spent
is there salvation? can we truly change?
or do we just learn to deny our selves
and hope for the best
once at a neighbors house
once at my own house
twice in Fort Wayne
guns and knives were aimed at me
each time they missed or didn't pull the trigger
each one had me dead to rights
were they afraid? i wasn't, in fact i felt nothing at all.
maybe that's what kept me alive
once at my own house
twice in Fort Wayne
guns and knives were aimed at me
each time they missed or didn't pull the trigger
each one had me dead to rights
were they afraid? i wasn't, in fact i felt nothing at all.
maybe that's what kept me alive
the nightmares are less frequent now
i wish they were imaginary
then i could dismiss them
i dream not of ghosts or goblin
but of myself
it's like looking at another person at times
violent, full of rage
the damage i have done has not been limited to the people i have hurt.
i wish they were imaginary
then i could dismiss them
i dream not of ghosts or goblin
but of myself
it's like looking at another person at times
violent, full of rage
the damage i have done has not been limited to the people i have hurt.
sitting on my bed
body shaking,tears streaming down
everything falling apart around me
the automatic craddled in my hands
thinking it wouldn't be that hard
i thought i was in love
i thought it should be over
i thought of my father
i thought of my brother
i tossed the gun aside,curled up and went to sleep
what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger?
but is not killing yourself a sign of strength or weakness?
body shaking,tears streaming down
everything falling apart around me
the automatic craddled in my hands
thinking it wouldn't be that hard
i thought i was in love
i thought it should be over
i thought of my father
i thought of my brother
i tossed the gun aside,curled up and went to sleep
what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger?
but is not killing yourself a sign of strength or weakness?
hmm well, i was going to go buy a journal and start writing finally. i tried when i was in my late teens /early 20's oh god was it awful! now, over a decade later and being inspired by charles bukowski i once more step into the breach*
*disclaimer: bad grammar, spelling,etc are compilments of a school system which had not the interest nor capacity to keep my attention in english class.
*disclaimer: bad grammar, spelling,etc are compilments of a school system which had not the interest nor capacity to keep my attention in english class.
