It. I've found it. This is it. The big thing. THE it. The it to end all it's. My super-mega-epic uber-blog is under construction. I mean THE blog to end all blogs. Coming soon... I'm talking "That's no moon..." epic. It'll be the longest one ever

Ok folks. It's that time again. Except this time it'll be an actual blog instead of a list of random shit i hate. I don't have a lot to say though, so it's gonna be short. I'm sick of being single and alone. If i don't do something soon i'm afraid i'll slide even further into the abyss of solitude and this time it'll be too deep to wade back out. I decided to stay up all night to clear my head. I need the time to myself to think properly. Have a quiet environment where i don't have to listen to anything i don't want to listen to. Weird how the only way i can figure out a way to not be alone, how to spend all my time with someone, is by intentionally cutting myself off from people, getting time to myself to think things through. Is that irony? I'm not entirely sure.

Another thing i've realised recently is that i think i might have the wrong idea about what it means to like someone. Personally, when i have a crush on someone, i consider it a big deal. That's not a title that a person earns lightly. But i don't think that's how the majority of people see it. I suppose the main thing i'm wondering about is the grander social norm. What's normal for one person might be completely alien to another. Can real feelings be lost in translation? If you have a crush on someone, do both parties know what that means? Is one person's crush the same intensity as another person's? And, if somebody has a crush on you too, how is it decided which person's crush is more valid? Is one person's perception of love the same as another person's? I suppose i could make an analogy with Special Relativity. Depending on the person's viewpoint, can the same laws and rules appear warped and different? How is it decided which person's feelings are closer to the truth, a social norm, if there were such a thing?

The idea of a perfect rest frame doesn't exist in reality. There's nowhere in our universe that is entirely stationary, that can give a perfect, unaffected view of the laws of physics. Every single measurement is made relative to something. There is no perfect inertial frame. I think the same can be said for liking someone. There is no go-to chart for how intensely you like someone. There's no stationary, unaffected point by which to measure how much you like someone. There's no reference point that both parties can find and check with. Is it possible for two people to ever realise that one person loves the other more? Or less? Would you even want to know? I suppose i'm jumping the gun a bit. Crushes and love aren't even nearly on the same level. But it's the same basic idea. Do some people crush harder than others?

In chat recently, i observed, and thought about something i heard. I'm not sure what the context was, or who actually said it, but the basic gist was this: romance should be easy. And this got me thinking. Is love, romance, the ability to attract a mate. Is it innate? Is it supposed to be innate? If push came to shove, would your own brain tell you the right course of action? Through some deeply embedded instinct would you be able to woo the opposite gender? Personally i think the idea of being innately romantic is a crock of horse shit, but i'm interested to know other people's thoughts on the subject.

There's a high chance that this might be some topic found in a first year philosophy book, or something like that. There's a high chance that this is one of the topics that's used as a beginner's problem for those who study the human condition. I've just drawn this conclusion, these questions, from analyzing the workings of my brain. This is the diamond that came from the tonnes of coal dumped into my head over the past week, if you will I know most of the people on this site are more the artistic type, more suited to thinking these questions over, but i've just been wondering about this for the past while. It suddenly sparked a few minutes ago. The words i needed, to verbalise what i was thinking about. For some reason when i'm running on no sleep i get more introspective than normal. I start to think a bit deeper than i normally do. I'm not sure if it evens makes sense half the time, but i think this does. Having read through it again. Yes i think it makes sense. I suppose i won't start really feeling tired til a bit later on, but for now i think the introspection is working out nicely. While i'm in this type of mood, i'll try for a little more. Chip away at the motherlode of unresolved crap, haha

This next bit is about attention. Do seem people seek it, while others avoid it? Which would you rather be: the centre of attention or part of the crowd? Thinking back on the various things i see and hear throughout the week, it sort of sticks out that some people constantly crave the attention and acknowledgement of their peers. And are willing to go to extreme lengths to do so. Personally i don't like the spotlight. I don't like the idea of being under people's scrutiny, having people commenting on what i do. I know that's a bit stupid, considering the website in question, but i still thnk it's a valid question. Is there a fundamental quality that differs in people? Is there an innate, subconscious drive for acceptance among a peer group, and more importantly, does it vary from person to person?

Again this is probably first year sociology, or psychology, but that's not my area of expertise. I haven't the first clue about any academic pursuits outside my chosen field. I know that makes me narrow-minded. I have a large amount of detail in a relatively small field, and i haven't peeked my head out of there for a long time. I've mentioned before my stunning lack of knowledge when it comes to anything outside of physics. Anything relating to art, history, philosophy, deep personal thought, has always eluded me, and as such has restricted my perception of things. I'm trying to break out of this mould, to see things from more angles, to get a firmer grasp on life as a whole. So this is how i'm trying to do it. By thinking about stuff i haven't considered before. Trying to gauge my opinions and think aloud. That's basically what this blog is. My rambling questions about life, the universe and everything in it. (If anyone gets that reference: you are officially amazing). And hear what opinions other people might have on the subjects.

I know at the start i said this would be short, but the brain leads you to weird places. I started out by saying that i'm sick of the solitude, but it quickly branched off from that. That's still the main crux of the matter. The main thing i'm striving for. I don't want to say that this type of introspection is only a means to an end, cos it's more than that. I've only come to realise recently, the importance of personal opinion and “the person” in life. I hadn't much time for art or the workings of the brain until a short while ago, so this is sort of my first stumbling steps into the fields of aesthetics, personal reflection and the nature of love. What it means for both people as a whole, and the individual person. And how it's seen, felt, and, maybe in time, achieved.

That's pretty much it for now. Comments? Opinions? Stuff you find amusing? Peace out y'all

I hate fucking everything. I hate my life. I hate everything about it. I hate all the things i don't have. I hate the way things make me feel. I hate the way everyone else gets to have a sex life. I hate the way everyone else gets to have friends. I hate the way everyone else gets to walk. I hate that people complain about insignificant things. I hate the way the doctor didn't tell me that meds cause a significant increase in suicidal thoughts for people under 25. I hate the way you can't tell pretty women that you think they're pretty. I hate the way music makes me sad. I hate the way people can hurt your feelings without realising. I hate that every person i like has a significant other. I hate the way my sister fakes illnesses to get meds. I hate the people i had to go to school with when i was younger. I hate people who discriminate. I hate douchebag guys who get to be happy. I hate the way when you really like a girl and she turns out to be gay. I hate that you can't tell friends how you feel. I hate people who lie, cheat and steal, and get to lead fantastic guys. I hate when people cheat on the person they're in a relationship with. I hate seeing people happy, with people they love. I hate that i've never had a reciprocated romantic attraction to a girl. I hate that every day i have to get up to the same boring life. I hate that i won't get to experience my 30s, 40s, 50s, 60s and 70s. I hate that Layne Staley died. I hate that Dimebag was killed. I hate that sexist asshole pigs get to appreciate the love of a woman. I hate that The Dark Tower ended in such a sad way. I hate the way i won't get to visit america. I hate that some people lie to get into a girl's pants. I hate that girls think all guys are like that. I hate that some girls are like that. I hate the way people don't regard metal as music. I hate the way my hand-made envelopes turned out wonky. I hate that Call of Duty keeps crashing on my brother. I hate that my desktop wallpaper of Kate Beckinsale is blurry. I hate that so many people i know have died. I hate that my small finger goes numb when it's cold out. I hate that my sister's a bitch almost all the time. I hate the way i hate so many things. I hate that i have to pay to upgrade to Windows 7. I hate the way i can't get the hang of programming languages. I hate that i don't have the resolve to finish my degree. I hate that so many people have to go through so much hard stuff. I hate the way friends keep trying to help me, but my blogs are still dark and gloomy. I hate that i'm probably going to fail all my exams. I hate that i don't care. I hate that i don't know any poetry. I hate that i haven't read a lot of classic books. I hate all the mistakes i regret. I hate that my memory is so fragmented. I hate that i've never had the nerve to get a tattoo. I hate that i've never had the nerve to get another piercing. I hate that i've always been too big a coward to tell some people how i've felt in the past. I hate that i can't be as honest as i want to be. I hate that my brain tells me i'm inadequate, right when i need confidence. I hate that i'm probably never going to know the love of a woman. I hate that i can't read faster. I hate that i never win at scrabble. I hate the way i have trouble remembering song lyrics. I hate the way i have to keep reorganising everything i have because it never looks right. I hate that the Virgin in my local shopping centre shut down. I hate that i never had the balls to tell Amanda i thought she was the coolest person in there. I hate that i never had a decent conversation with her. I hate that half the time i try to type unicorn i type Unicron. I hate that the wireless connection with my PS3 is so slow. I hate that i've never finished Final Fantasy's 1-6, 8, 9, 11 and 12. I hate that i haven't read 'Salem's Lot. I hate that i have to take all my DVDs out of the wrapper when i buy them. I hate that i don't have space to plug in more stuff. I hate that i can't pour out my own drinks. I hate that i can't fix my netbook. I hate that i haven't seen When Harry Met Sally. I hate that i never told any of the people in secondary school that i liked them. I hate that i don't have the balls to send people dirty whispers. I hate that people start to celebrate Christmas around the end of november. I hate that i advised my parents to get the wrong game for my brother for his 9th birthday. I hate that his birthday wasn't what it could have been because i was a fucking idiot. I hate that i'm not artistic. I hate that i no longer have an imagination. I hate that my eyes and throat go weird when i'm sad. I hate that i'm embarrassed about masturbating. I hate that AIM stands for AOL Instant Messenger. I hate that i can't speak properly. I hate that i didn't go to Orla's 21st because i was scared of interacting with other people. I hate that when i leave the house i get people gawking at me. I hate that i haven't left the house in four days. I hate that i haven't bothered to pick up a book all year. I hate that my real social life pales in comparison to my internet social life. I hate that i didn't get into music sooner. I hate Twilight. I hate that Crisis on Infinite Earths nearly made me cry at the end. I hate that Solaris was so sad. I hate that i've never tried any drugs. I hate that i've never experienced euphoria. I hate that the hospital couldn't organise anything right during both my operations. I hate that i can still feel the shitty-ness i felt 7 years ago due to morphine. I hate that in a drugged-out haze i told my little brother to shut up. I hate the way my sister has her own unique way of making anyone feel like shit. I hate that my great aunt included the euthanising of her two pets in her will. I hate that i can't stand my alcoholic uncle. I hate that i can't visit my Grandad anymore. I hate that i don't remember three of my grandparents. I hate that i can't remember good things like that, but can remember the bad. I hate that when i heard the song Bittersweet Symphony at the end of Cruel Intentions i got so depressed i cut my arm in several places. I hate that because of one song i spiralled into a 3-month long depression. I hate that i couldn't go on the French Exchange with the rest of my class. I hate when people don't answer text messages. I hate that i can't live up to my Dad's expectations, and play an instrument. I hate that my sister is well able to, but chooses not to. I hate that my sister is sometimes too lazy to walk across the room. I hate that i don't call her a lazy bitch because of it. I hate that most girls don't like virgins. I hate every instance in cinema, television or print where someone has their boyfriend or girlfriend stolen. I hate that i can't remember film quotes properly. I hate that i'm abandoning college in the futile attempt at finding personal happiness. I hate the fact that that is never going to happen. I hate that i have uncertainties about what i should do. I hate that the stuff i took out of my fridge is getting warm because i haven't eaten it yet. I hate that my head is so messed up right now i've filled two whole pages with stuff i hate. I hate that it takes at least two weeks for the meds to work properly. I hate that i can't write any more stuff in my christmas letters. I hate that the envelopes i made look wonky. I hate that the Harry Potter films are so shit. I hate that my parents seem so happy with each other the whole time. I hate that i've started every sentence so far with the words “I hate”. I hate that i now have Placebo and the Verve stuck in my head. I hate that i can't talk to people because of different time zones. I hate that i talk to people too much, and overdo it. I hate that all this anger is spilling it. I hate that i hate so so many things. I hate that i'm going to feel really embarrassed after i post this. I hate i feel embarrassed when i tell girls they're pretty. I hate that i can't fantasise about anyone i know too well. I hate that in that one Powerglove song they hit the same wrong note in all five verses. I hate that i don't know any languages besides english. I hate that i'm too nervous to talk to people most of the time. I hate that i never made friends in college. I hate that it's too cold to go out at the minute. I hate that i can't use aircraft. I hate that i'm nowhere near the top of my class anymore. I hate that i'm too nervous to move around with my camera on. I hate that i can't make inappropriate jokes properly. I hate that i always miss when things are mentioned as a joke. I hate that i don't have enough creativity to make a proper mix cd. I hate every joke i've made that's fallen like a lead balloon. I hate that i'm hungry and thirsty right now. I hate that when i go to bed i won't be able to sleep for ages. I hate that Pluto isn't a planet any more. I hate that i haven't finished Fallout 3. I hate that when i was 9 i had such a big panic attack on Halloween, that i couldn't go around as Freddy Kreuger. I hate that i still remember fracturing my school on the front door when i was 6. I hate that i can't lose weight. I hate that i can't increase my strength. I hate that when everyone else was enjoying their teens i was either recovering from surgery, in a dark depression or holed up in my room like a recluse because i didn't want to be seen outside. I hate that i haven't put paragraphs in this blog. I hate that i actually consider this a blog. I hate that i can't get out of my current dark mood. I hate that these dark moods are so frequent. I hate that the Catholic Church covered up so much horrific doings. I hate that the are still integrated into the Irish government. I hate that a lot of the i's in this blog aren't capitalised. I hate that Bill Hicks died. I hate that the end of Norwegian Wood was so sad. I hate that it took me so long to read it. I hate that i don't have the resolve or attention to read any more. I hate that i'm never going to use the degree i've spent two years on. I hate that i'm not going to finish my degree. I hate that i don't have the time and resolve to both finish my degree and find happiness for myself. I hate that the scars on my arm and hand are still there. I hate that i can't carry on a proper, serious conversation for very long. I hate that i've never had the chance to have a serious conversation in person. I hate that sometimes my parents are passive-aggressive. I hate that i can't find the disc for Halo 2. I hate that i have to talk myself for ages before sending someone a friend request. I hate that i'm too nervous to add a lot of people on facebook. I hate that i'm too intimidated to talk to half the people i'd like to. I hate that i find it so difficult to flirt.

I love that my anger is fading. I love that i feel comfortable enough to vent all this on my blog. I love that my friends here won't judge me because of it

here's the blog i deleted earlier:

never mind. won't make any difference

Alright. Earlier, on friday morning, i went a bit mad. I put two blogs up that made no sense whatsoever. Embarrassingly non-sensical. I have an idea of what happened, but i felt erasing them was the best option. I think it's a rare, periodic reaction to the new meds i'm on. Happens to 1% of users. It explains all the symptoms i felt, and just realising that made me feel a whole lot better. I'm still not myself again, but knowing that it was a temporary chemical reaction, has helped me ground myself. This helped to halt the panic i felt on friday morning, coupled with some much needed help from MissShell. I might post the psycho blog at some stage, just to verify that it actually happened. But. I don't know at the same time. Leave it at that

I think it's time i say things categorically for a change. Remove all doubt about who i am. Just to come clean for myself. To convince myself that i'm not holding anything back from the friends i've made here. For those of you who don't know, or haven't realised the “subtle” hints throughout all my blogs ( ), i am physically disabled. And this hinders things for me. Substantially and consistently. In light of that, after much consideration, i won't be visiting America. It's not feasible, realistic, hell it might not even be possible. Crossing the Atlantic Ocean is not possible right now. Unless a lot of drastic changes happen in my life. Which i know is not going to happen

I'm not being pessimistic i'm being realistic. The problems i will run into are multiple and from every angle. I don't have the money or energy to accomplish something of that magnitude. Realistically, Europe is the only option for travel. UK is the closest, so hell, might head over there at some stage. I would like to get away from where i live at least once. Without my family. On my own, or as close to that as i can muster. To pursue further some of the friendships i've made here. Other than that, i don't know. Whatever floats my own boat i suppose

Regardless of what my parents might think, internet relationships are just as valid as any other. For me, anyway, they're more valid than anything else i have going on at the minute. So yeah. Screw them, in this regard anyway. I know they're wrong. I regard communicating via internet just another medium in which to communicate with people. I'm finishing this off on sunday, after a two day break. Since friday, after my mood settled, it's been pretty much constant. In a good way. I think since the stress of college has dissolved away, momentarily anyway, it's eased a lot of the tension.

Recently i've been playing the new Assassin's Creed, on PS3, and i think it's brilliant. The graphics are smooth, the storyline is based pretty solidly in historical fact, and the gameplay is excellent. Expansive cities, free-running, more variety than the first one. I'm not a big fan of independent reviews, i prefer to rely on my own opinion of games, and i think this is a damn good one. I quite like the inclusion of real Italian speech in it. Gives the whole game a more authentic feel.

I'm intentionally not trying to tax myself, by doing anything. For the minute i'm going to take it easy, work on the letters i'm writing. The inevitable question still remains... Exams? I haven't a clue what i'm going to do. I don't care about the results, and the thought of dedicating all that time and effort to a futile endeavour gets my mind revving up again. In case any people might think i'm just being lazy, it's not that. It's more basic than that. If i decide to post the psycho blog, it might explain it. I should probably read through it, to see what was going through my head. I think the word confused doesn't quite do it justice, haha. Hell, i might even put it in at the end. Spoilered of course. I'm not really sure what else i have to blog about. Thought i should at least explain to any people who may have encountered the craziness on friday. I've been going through a music dry spell for the past while, but these are two tracks i've always quite liked:

Never mind. My phone can't edit posts so i'm unable to delete my other one

what the fuck is happening. my mood's changing so much. three times in the past two hours. jumping to extremes.

Well looks like it's that time again. New blog fever has me in it's harsh, unforgiving grip. The bad mood that was starting at the end of my last blog is long since gone, all the feelings of pointlessness only really lasted until the following afternoon, and sort of faded. I think i've been able to categorise all the moods i seem to go through. Throughout the past week, i've had a clearer head than normal, so i was able to sort out some stuff.

Only now that clearheadedness is on it's way out. Earlier today i heard a song. Just a certain song, but some combination of notes or lyrics did something to me, and just flipped something in my brain. As near as i can tell i have 4 different spikes of mood. This is the, lesser-visited, fourth one. The one where everyone else seems to be happy. With their vivid, exciting romantic lives. Completely unlike mine. It's not so much depression just more painful, stupid, hopelessness. And mopey-ness. You know the one where it all just seems sad. Not so much anger or disappointment, just lack of fulfilment. And it just makes me conscious of how much i have yet to do. How hard it will be to find someone. And how short time is

As i mentioned in my last blog, today i had a hospital appointment. Basically the neurologist did not give a crap. Asked me if everything was ok. I said yes, and she tried to make me leave. Haha. Fancy letting me get a word in edgeways please?! So i asked her about the depression. All the shitty moods i've had that are getting deeper and more frequent. So now i have a fourth prescription to add to my list. I'm not one of the people that tries to flaunt the fact that they need medication (you'd be very surprised how many there are) so i don't really want to divulge a whole lot more, but i'm on it for a six month trial period, just to see if it helps.

he main thing about the mood i'm in right now, is that it's much, much harder to get rid of. Messes up all my thoughts too. Makes it very hard to stick to a certain topic, and even harder to concentrate on it. So this blog is going to be all over the place.

Just today i posted off my entry letter to the SG PenPals group. So hopefully it will all go smoothly after this. I've never really had the chance to interact with someone via post before. That's one thing in particular i never got to experience. That type of connection with someone

And once again the pangs break out, from thinking about seemingly innocuous things. This is a rare mood. Haven't had it since my second last year in secondary school. Just every single thing/person/couple reminds me of what i don't have, what i never will have. The first time this happened was because of a song too. Heard it on some teen film a few years back and realised that i hadn't seen it before. This iconic film, that every teenager had seen, except me. And it all just hit. Nearly every single other person i knew had a happy relationship, or some temporary companionship with someone else.

So for the past few days i've been playing the new Call of Duty, and i think it's brilliant. I know some people have said they don't like it, but i think it's a seriously fun game. Online play is pretty much the shit. Levelling up is much easier, and there are far more options to customise. Makes the whole game easier to play, and makes it more interesting. Personally i don't think i'll ever get to try out the Nuke killstreak reward, but i'm interested to see what it does... Anyone gotten that far yet?

So the song was Bittersweet Symphony. Don't know why it struck me as sad, or depressing, or whatever you want to call it. But it did. And that time the mood stuck with me for three months. Three long, miserable months, which were very dark. Very, very dark. I'm hoping this time it won't be anything like that. And this time my tastes have changed. This time it was Her Eyes Are a Blue Million Miles. From the Big Lebowski soundtrack. Can't find a video of it... But it was partially this song and partially the Pink Floyd ones below. All in rapid succession, really took me out

so i've decided to start reading again. Properly reading. I stopped reading about the start of college because the workload was so intense. But i'm gonna take it up again. I've got a load of books lined up, but i don't know where to start. I've vowed to read the Bible, the Qur'an and the Torah at some stage. I think commenting on religions i don't know a whole lot about isn't the way to do things. If i want to be able to argue cogently and compitently on the subject of religion, i should at least have a good idea of what i'm arguing against. I'll even try reading some of the other religious documents i can get my hands on. I have very little real information on religions outside the three Abrahamic religions i mentioned above. I'm a little ashamed of the amount of knowledge i'm lacking when it comes to religion. I'm still steadfast, and will remain steadfast in my beliefs, but i think i need more experience in the field

You know when all of a sudden you just get caught completely off-guard by random memories. I looked up after finishing that paragraph and saw a pen pot on top of my bookshelf. And it all came flooding back. About 4 years ago i was helping a girl i liked paint a notice-board (no seriously, that's what happened) and we had a great chat. I was heading out of the school as usual, when i saw her walking home hand in hand with her boyfriend. That's the type of fucking mood this is... Some of the time anyway. You know the ones where you feel happy for people in their happiness, but also you feel like an empty wreck. The mood where you want to eat ice-cream. Non-stop, for about a week. Lethargy soon follows. Pursued closely by inability to function

I'm trying to figure out right now, how to effectively organise what i want to do with my life. After this year of college. Next april, what will i do. The idea is America, but i've done a lot of thinking about it. I've taken on board what my family have to say, and in certain ways they're right. To take my first real trip to a city across the Atlantic Ocean is madness. I'm assuming that nothing will go wrong, with is a pretty stupid thing to do. So i'm going to use the Manchester trip as a test. Just to see if a trip away can be done. Probably around February, i think there's a bank holiday then

And her comes the inevitable afterthought of February. You know what i'm fuckin talking about. The most miserable, disgustingly capitalist excuse for a holiday, ever created. Never has a bigger crock of shit been thought up. But. Yes, there's a but. That doesn't stop it from making you feel like a complete and utter miserable failure, when you see the hype some people make about it. How happy it makes them. I know i'm sounding like an embittered grumpy bastard here, but it's the fuckin truth

I've recently been thinking about what i could possibly write about, that i would be able to fill a proper short story format. So i'm thinking of the normal route. A random story about nothing really in particular. You're not sure if it's ended or not, but it wasn't disappointing.

it's embarrassing when somebody asks you the time, you check it on your watch or phone, tell them the time, then realise it's wrong. Infinitely more embarrassing if it's someone you feel nervous around. Yes that happened today

So i finish up classes next friday. Until january. I'll be so glad to finish up in that place and be able to do what i want for a while, without being dragged down every day! And it just so happens to coincide with my hopeful reception into PenPals group. Let's see how it goes

i'm done with this blog for today. Can't think of anything else to write. My whole brain's in tatters right now. I can't concentrate the way i want, and i'm cold

Bit quiet on the music front this week. Nothing seems quite right

Okay i don't know what's wrong with me today but writing seems to help, most times anyway, so i think i'm gonna try that. It's not going well. I'm pretty sure i'm failing two of my six classes. Every time i try and work, i start thinking how little i have with my life. At the minute, anyway, i don't have anything to look forward too. Not for the near future anyway. I still have half a year of college left, and already it's become unbearable. I have SG Chat to look forward to, but i'm half afraid i might wear out my welcome, if i go on too much. I'm going to try my hand at some creative writing again. I was told, when i was in secondary school, that i was quite good at it, but i've sorta been focused on college until now, before i made all my recent personal revelations. Shit, i'm even drawing a blank with writing this now... i'm hoping it's because i'm lethargic today, but you never know. I've another appointment with my neurologist this week, a year since the last one, so because he coordinates everything, i'm going to ask about mental health through him, possibly something to get rid of my anxiety, preferrably a non-chemical method. I've also started to think about what i'm going to do after college. I mean what if i have time left over after doing all my travels? I haven't even thought of that. I mean it's all well and good accomplishing everything i want, but what if i have extra time left? After i've done all that. Will i have to get a job or something when i blow all my savings? Seriously, it's never really crossed my mind. Ideally, i'd like to settle down, but hasn't been all that i've done so far? I mean it's been settling down on my own, but still. Is it not the same principle? Another thing i've wondered is this: if you're almost positive your feelings for a woman aren't reciprocated, is there any point in telling her how you feel? What's the point in needlessly complicating things, for no reason? I know, this is just a blog about random shit. I know my blogs aren't normally in the interrogative tense, but is having them like that such a bad thing? At what point do rhetorical questions start to annoy people? Do i really want to reach that limit? Have i already passed it?

Starting again 18 hours later: Ok... the last few were joke ones, i'll admit that! For some reason i've been listening to a lot of Pink Floyd for the past few days. And they're a great band, but i sometimes get pretty down listening to them. Last night, for instance, when i started writing this. My mood's improved a good bit since then, but still i'm not going to edit what i wrote during that time. More honest, i suppose, and i'm trying to be an honest person from here on out. Don't see the point on holding back anymore haha, i just realised this is sort of contradicting what i wrote last night! But what the hell... haha. Hmmm, i'm trying to think of something more to write. I suppose i write best when i'm having a down day. I've been thinking a lot about doing another degree, instead of my current one. Maybe something in computers... not programming, but something i like. Something less stressful than what i'm doing now.

Today in chat i got to hear some of the worst shit i've ever heard. The amount of stuff some people have had to go through is unbelievable. For me, anyway, it really puts it all in perspective. I'm thankful that my life has been relatively good, from the personal side of things, other stuff aside. It also gives insight into what people are like, how they've been affected, what's made them who they are today. I know it's horrible to have happened, and is really painful to recount, but, i think, it's necessary to really get to know someone. To hear the hardships they've beaten, and have yet to beat. That's the thing though, that doesn't really happen in public. That's the bit i've never really found, before SG. I know some people are going to think i'm a bit weird to keep harping back to joining the site, but it really is hard to explain how big a change it was. Gonna play COD: MW2 for a while. Finish the blog after, 17:37

22:55. Gonna try and finish this tonight. Before i head off. I don't know, kind of to finish off the week. It's been a tough one. I ended up skipping college on friday because i just couldn't take it. All the work and pressure just makes me think about the time i'm wasting there. No friends, no career out of it, just thinking about it while i'm there makes me loathe it even more. And it all starts to spiral. Before i go home, sleep it off and start it all again the next day. Except it doesn't start again from the top. Starts from slightly further below the top every day. Making the fall to the bottom all the quicker, making it harder every day. I know the end of semester is getting pretty close, but it's not close enough. I hope that will sort out everything, but then i have the exams, then the next semester. I know it's only about 6 months to go, but right now it feels an unbearable amount of time. I'm sure there's some poetry reference or something for time stretching out, but hell i can't think of it...

Shite, i hadn't realised how long this was... I had only intended on a short one, but meh, I don't know... I suppose the main things i want to blog about aren't really events, just more what i'm going through, to record it somewhere. I'm thinking of making all my blogs private now though. Maybe try to think of ideas to write about. I've tried my hand at horror and sci-fi, but i'm thinking of trying out something different, something where i won't run into a brick wall after a few pages. Still have no ideas...

This is a rare one... It's just gone 23:35 and instead of getting more relaxed i'm starting to think all weird again. Paranoia, doubt, all the colours of the bad rainbow. The type of thing where all the plans i've made seem completely unnattainable, ridiculous and just stupid. The type of thing that runs through your head, ripping up the good train tracks that have been laid in the past while, temporarily anyway. And now the dark cloud's getting bigger and darker. I think this is the first time i've documented a descent in real time. Normally when i blog i'm coming right out of a bad moment, but this is the first time i've blogged during the start of an episode. I don't know how my demeanour has changed so much in the past hour and a half. Perhaps some depressing music to fall asleep to might do something... Classical or grunge, pink floyd maybe... i'm probably going to regret writing this in, in the morning, but what the hell. Everything feels like it's falling to shit now anyway. What's the fuckin point in censoring all the bullshit. Now i'm getting really annoyed and fuckin moody. And i have to go... I reckon it's gonna be a tough day tomorrow...