I'm not feeling Christmas at all this year. I only realised it was the 23rd yesterday. And what that means. I've finished all my shopping, but i'm not even really sure what i bought people. Drawing a blank. I know i got Robocop and Rambo for my brother, but i can't recall anything else. I've decided to try and address some huge issues in my life through blogging. Get ready for a read, haha 
Thanks again everyone who's been there recently. I'm looking positively on all of this at the minute. Going back to my old type of blogs. Music and stuff.
My parents keep getting at me. Telling me to get off my computer the whole time. And it's pissing me off. At least once a day they ask me to think up something to do for the day. And i don't fuckin want to. They keep saying i have to hang out with real people. But... I don't get that. It's not like this is the Matrix or something. It might not be physical, face to face, interaction but it's just as valid. Video and audio are still perfectly valid if they're digitised. In my opinion anyway. If they had experience, they would know what i mean. But they don't, so they don't. They keep telling me to do stuff. It's not healthy to stay inside. Isolating yourself isn't the answer. But... Come on. I don't consider it isolation. I don't get what's so special about diving into the sea of faceless, nameless people and cheesy advertising? Every second person trying to hawk their wares? I don't like crowds. I can't stand them. All the noise, all the people, all the looking. It hurts my head. It really just makes me start to unravel.
And now they're ragging on my beard. They've been trying to get me to shave it for about a year now. Keep saying it's too messy or “needs a big trim”. Sorry. That's not happening peoples. I'll shave it when i'm good and ready. Which might not ever happen. I like it this way
Going out for me also brings up a tonne of other issues, how i'm perceived, treated, confidence, all that shit. I've tried "their" way of doing things, they being my folks, and it's gotten me nowhere. What makes joining the local populace at the communal feeding trough so special? Haha, ok that analogy was a bit crude; offensive even, joking though, for you social butterfly types. I'm not comfortable with going out in public i don't know very well. And even then it's still difficult. It's not the people i'm with i worry about, it's everyone else. In a way it's similar to the attention people get from having tattoos and piercings, except with an extra edge. The intelligence factor. I'm not even sure if i'll post this as a blog, because it's about a part of my life i never talk about. Writing in general seems to help things a bit, for some reason.
The social perception of a disabled person. I've run into a few people on this site who might understand what i mean. In my experience, that's all i can speak from, the general public, i mean all the people you run into in shopping centres and stuff, do not treat you normally. At all. They presume that because of the wheelchair, the occupant is incapable of normal human thought. They presume that physical disability is the same as mental disability. I know that it doesn't really matter what random people on the street think. I know it doesn't really matter what anyone thinks, besides myself. But it still gets to me. It still gets to me when 95% of the people i run into in the outside world treat me as a mental inferior. I know they mean well, and that they're just doing it to be on the safe side, to try and not offend, but it really gets to me.
I thought long hair and a beard, t-shirts with physics equations or Final Fantasy menus, a piercing in my upper ear and the word fuck repeated 52 times on a t-shirt would help. But it hasn't. And i'm sick of it. I'm sick of people talking down to me. Talking slowly and enunciating every syllable. When i go outside people say to themselves, maybe not consciously, to quote My Left Foot: “Ya poor, unfortunate gobshite.”. And go from there. They don't assume any other way. Regardless of everything i do, the majority of people will always think that. It might not seem like a big deal. Maybe i should be able to shrug it off, but i can't. It happens too much for me to be able to ignore. I've explained this to my parents but they never get it. It's been happening for 7 years straight now. Every time i go outside this happens at least once. Normally i have to go out with someone, so whenever i run into a situation where i have to talk, the cash desk or whatever, the cash desk person will direct all questions to the person i'm with. “Would he like to use cash or card”. He's right fucking here, thank you very much.
Ok. In the past short while it has gotten better. Since i've gotten to know some of the cash desk people it has gotten easier. I've been able to get across the point that i am actually capable of rational though. But whenever the staff changes it happens again. And having a speech impediment doesn't help things. I developed a speech impediment by the end of primary school, as a result of several long years. And it persists even today, nearly 11 years later. Doesn't help matters at all. I'm just sick of it, that's all. Why should i go outside, if, when i do i'm infantilised at every turn? By people who don't even know me.
This is one of four dangerous topics for me. One of the four major topics of discussion that sets me off, has been known to trigger a huge dark spiral in the past. But i'm trying to work through it. Think about it without getting down. Discuss it with a level head, while i have the opportunity to do so. This is also why i find the online world here so much easier to deal with. I don't have to rely on my physical self. I can express my mind the way i want to, which i can't really do out in “the real world” as my dad would say. I know i'm an intelligent person. I know that people would see that if they spoke to me. But it's the assumption i can't get past. The assumption that because my physical condition necessitates the usage of a wheelchair my brain must automatically also be affected. The problem is neurological, yes, but does not affect my cognitive function.
I'm not saying anything at all against people with mental disability. I can't say anything. I have no experience with that side of things, so i can't really comment. I suppose what i'm saying is that, i, personally, hate it when people presume a physical disability implies a mental one. And treat me differently as a result. I'm sure it's just an unconscious attempt to put me at ease, but it does quite the opposite. If you hear something often enough, you start to believe it yourself. It starts to filter into your brain and gets lodged there. If people tell you you're inadequate enough times, you start to believe it yourself. That, hey maybe they have a point. Why should i even bother trying if people ignore my attempts anyway? Regardless of what i do, people will still make that assumption about me.
There is one thing in particular i've found, in this vein, that bypasses the sad phase and sublimates directly into white-hot rage. This has only happened a few times. Maybe three or four instances i remember. I was on holiday a few years back. In Spain, with my family, traipsing through the markets. This was about 3 years ago, maybe a little more. I was looking at a few t-shirts, as you do, when a Spanish family walked by. Eating ice-cream or something. The young boy stopped and stared. Ok. I'm fine with that. I get that young children don't really understand, but the mother. That was a different matter. She grabbed her son and told him to move and then... Here's where i lost it. The woman touched her hand to her forehead, stomach, left shoulder and right shoulder and whispered to herself. She was praying. She was praying for me.
I don't know how you feel about religion, but i'm not into it. Understatement. I think somebody asking for supernatural help on my behalf is offensive. And to do it blatantly in front of someone. I know now that she perceived me as “sick”. Wishing me God's help. She may have intended it to be nice, but that is NOT how i saw it. I know Spain is traditionally a very religious country, but i don't think that has any relevance for how i reacted. I didn't say anything to the woman. I was stunned into silence (If anyone's familiar with Father Ted, it's exactly like when Ted kicks Bishop Brennan up the arse). What the hell can you say to that?! No thanks missus i'm alright?
This happened again only recently when i was in Galway. A woman passed me while i was in Burger King and thought it necessary to bless herself and say a prayer for me and my younger brother. I was too stunned, again, to do anything. And she got out of there pretty quickly. I'm pretty sure i would've thrown my Fanta at her. If she felt the need to do that, why fucking do it in front of me? Do that in the privacy of your own home please. She has no idea as to my religious orientation. She has no right to try and impose her beliefs on me. She probably didn't mean anything by it. Meant it as a gesture of sympathy. But i can't stand it. It riles me up, immediately. Like a cobra about to strike.
And it PISSES ME OFF. Big time. This is the smallest of my big four topics, so you can imagine how bad the other three get me. I'm not using exclamation marks, because i normally use them for comedic purposes. This is why this is one of my big topics. It hits me right in the stomach when i think of it. Just a gigantic lump. One of the motherlodes. And i start to think about it more. And i get more angry and more upset. Which then makes me think about it more. See where this is going? I have it under control this time, because i'm talking about it the way i want to. On my own terms i suppose.
It makes me feel cold. When it happens i run cold. A smile i might have will vanish instantly. And i just sink. Instead of getting angry like i should, i just sink. Thus is the nature of the big four. I can't control my reaction to them. Just this past few days i was assaulted with another two of them and i sort of lost it. Leaving myself to feel the brunt of it. Mentally and physically. I can't wait til the new meds kick in. Maybe they'll help with it happening in the future.
The past week or two has been a big Radiohead week. Never really listened to them before now, so i didn't realise how brilliant their songs were. These are my few favourites:
And Creedence of course:
Thanks again everyone who's been there recently. I'm looking positively on all of this at the minute. Going back to my old type of blogs. Music and stuff.My parents keep getting at me. Telling me to get off my computer the whole time. And it's pissing me off. At least once a day they ask me to think up something to do for the day. And i don't fuckin want to. They keep saying i have to hang out with real people. But... I don't get that. It's not like this is the Matrix or something. It might not be physical, face to face, interaction but it's just as valid. Video and audio are still perfectly valid if they're digitised. In my opinion anyway. If they had experience, they would know what i mean. But they don't, so they don't. They keep telling me to do stuff. It's not healthy to stay inside. Isolating yourself isn't the answer. But... Come on. I don't consider it isolation. I don't get what's so special about diving into the sea of faceless, nameless people and cheesy advertising? Every second person trying to hawk their wares? I don't like crowds. I can't stand them. All the noise, all the people, all the looking. It hurts my head. It really just makes me start to unravel.
And now they're ragging on my beard. They've been trying to get me to shave it for about a year now. Keep saying it's too messy or “needs a big trim”. Sorry. That's not happening peoples. I'll shave it when i'm good and ready. Which might not ever happen. I like it this way
Going out for me also brings up a tonne of other issues, how i'm perceived, treated, confidence, all that shit. I've tried "their" way of doing things, they being my folks, and it's gotten me nowhere. What makes joining the local populace at the communal feeding trough so special? Haha, ok that analogy was a bit crude; offensive even, joking though, for you social butterfly types. I'm not comfortable with going out in public i don't know very well. And even then it's still difficult. It's not the people i'm with i worry about, it's everyone else. In a way it's similar to the attention people get from having tattoos and piercings, except with an extra edge. The intelligence factor. I'm not even sure if i'll post this as a blog, because it's about a part of my life i never talk about. Writing in general seems to help things a bit, for some reason.
The social perception of a disabled person. I've run into a few people on this site who might understand what i mean. In my experience, that's all i can speak from, the general public, i mean all the people you run into in shopping centres and stuff, do not treat you normally. At all. They presume that because of the wheelchair, the occupant is incapable of normal human thought. They presume that physical disability is the same as mental disability. I know that it doesn't really matter what random people on the street think. I know it doesn't really matter what anyone thinks, besides myself. But it still gets to me. It still gets to me when 95% of the people i run into in the outside world treat me as a mental inferior. I know they mean well, and that they're just doing it to be on the safe side, to try and not offend, but it really gets to me.
I thought long hair and a beard, t-shirts with physics equations or Final Fantasy menus, a piercing in my upper ear and the word fuck repeated 52 times on a t-shirt would help. But it hasn't. And i'm sick of it. I'm sick of people talking down to me. Talking slowly and enunciating every syllable. When i go outside people say to themselves, maybe not consciously, to quote My Left Foot: “Ya poor, unfortunate gobshite.”. And go from there. They don't assume any other way. Regardless of everything i do, the majority of people will always think that. It might not seem like a big deal. Maybe i should be able to shrug it off, but i can't. It happens too much for me to be able to ignore. I've explained this to my parents but they never get it. It's been happening for 7 years straight now. Every time i go outside this happens at least once. Normally i have to go out with someone, so whenever i run into a situation where i have to talk, the cash desk or whatever, the cash desk person will direct all questions to the person i'm with. “Would he like to use cash or card”. He's right fucking here, thank you very much.
Ok. In the past short while it has gotten better. Since i've gotten to know some of the cash desk people it has gotten easier. I've been able to get across the point that i am actually capable of rational though. But whenever the staff changes it happens again. And having a speech impediment doesn't help things. I developed a speech impediment by the end of primary school, as a result of several long years. And it persists even today, nearly 11 years later. Doesn't help matters at all. I'm just sick of it, that's all. Why should i go outside, if, when i do i'm infantilised at every turn? By people who don't even know me.
This is one of four dangerous topics for me. One of the four major topics of discussion that sets me off, has been known to trigger a huge dark spiral in the past. But i'm trying to work through it. Think about it without getting down. Discuss it with a level head, while i have the opportunity to do so. This is also why i find the online world here so much easier to deal with. I don't have to rely on my physical self. I can express my mind the way i want to, which i can't really do out in “the real world” as my dad would say. I know i'm an intelligent person. I know that people would see that if they spoke to me. But it's the assumption i can't get past. The assumption that because my physical condition necessitates the usage of a wheelchair my brain must automatically also be affected. The problem is neurological, yes, but does not affect my cognitive function.
I'm not saying anything at all against people with mental disability. I can't say anything. I have no experience with that side of things, so i can't really comment. I suppose what i'm saying is that, i, personally, hate it when people presume a physical disability implies a mental one. And treat me differently as a result. I'm sure it's just an unconscious attempt to put me at ease, but it does quite the opposite. If you hear something often enough, you start to believe it yourself. It starts to filter into your brain and gets lodged there. If people tell you you're inadequate enough times, you start to believe it yourself. That, hey maybe they have a point. Why should i even bother trying if people ignore my attempts anyway? Regardless of what i do, people will still make that assumption about me.
There is one thing in particular i've found, in this vein, that bypasses the sad phase and sublimates directly into white-hot rage. This has only happened a few times. Maybe three or four instances i remember. I was on holiday a few years back. In Spain, with my family, traipsing through the markets. This was about 3 years ago, maybe a little more. I was looking at a few t-shirts, as you do, when a Spanish family walked by. Eating ice-cream or something. The young boy stopped and stared. Ok. I'm fine with that. I get that young children don't really understand, but the mother. That was a different matter. She grabbed her son and told him to move and then... Here's where i lost it. The woman touched her hand to her forehead, stomach, left shoulder and right shoulder and whispered to herself. She was praying. She was praying for me.
I don't know how you feel about religion, but i'm not into it. Understatement. I think somebody asking for supernatural help on my behalf is offensive. And to do it blatantly in front of someone. I know now that she perceived me as “sick”. Wishing me God's help. She may have intended it to be nice, but that is NOT how i saw it. I know Spain is traditionally a very religious country, but i don't think that has any relevance for how i reacted. I didn't say anything to the woman. I was stunned into silence (If anyone's familiar with Father Ted, it's exactly like when Ted kicks Bishop Brennan up the arse). What the hell can you say to that?! No thanks missus i'm alright?
This happened again only recently when i was in Galway. A woman passed me while i was in Burger King and thought it necessary to bless herself and say a prayer for me and my younger brother. I was too stunned, again, to do anything. And she got out of there pretty quickly. I'm pretty sure i would've thrown my Fanta at her. If she felt the need to do that, why fucking do it in front of me? Do that in the privacy of your own home please. She has no idea as to my religious orientation. She has no right to try and impose her beliefs on me. She probably didn't mean anything by it. Meant it as a gesture of sympathy. But i can't stand it. It riles me up, immediately. Like a cobra about to strike.
And it PISSES ME OFF. Big time. This is the smallest of my big four topics, so you can imagine how bad the other three get me. I'm not using exclamation marks, because i normally use them for comedic purposes. This is why this is one of my big topics. It hits me right in the stomach when i think of it. Just a gigantic lump. One of the motherlodes. And i start to think about it more. And i get more angry and more upset. Which then makes me think about it more. See where this is going? I have it under control this time, because i'm talking about it the way i want to. On my own terms i suppose.
It makes me feel cold. When it happens i run cold. A smile i might have will vanish instantly. And i just sink. Instead of getting angry like i should, i just sink. Thus is the nature of the big four. I can't control my reaction to them. Just this past few days i was assaulted with another two of them and i sort of lost it. Leaving myself to feel the brunt of it. Mentally and physically. I can't wait til the new meds kick in. Maybe they'll help with it happening in the future.
The past week or two has been a big Radiohead week. Never really listened to them before now, so i didn't realise how brilliant their songs were. These are my few favourites:
And Creedence of course:
Today has been such a long day. Such a long, long, difficult day. I visited a new doctor. A good one. And he changed my meds. He agreed that they were doing more harm than good. He agreed that my first doctor was very irresponsible. And he listened. I'm going back in a month to check the meds. Monitor their progress, like what should have been already. This past week has been so horrible. I'm tired, cold, hungry and dehydrated. This past week has been a blur. A blur of sadness, blue, anger, red, envy, green, lust, pink and hate, black. I need sleep, rest and some time spent talking about pointless things. Shooting the shit, as it were. I hope i can leave this dark period behind. It'll stay with me forever. Mentally and physically, but i want to move past it. To quote Monty Python: Get on with it. A huge thanks to everyone who listened to me this past little while. Read my posts. My emails. My blogs. Everything. I think it's going to better. I hope so. To quote the Dark Tower: Nobody knows what lives in the darkness [of Todash]. I'm falling asleep while writing this on my phone. So i'll leave it there. Toodles all...
i snapped for the last time last night. luckily i was in bed, so i couldn't do anything. it came too close this time though. this isn't working. have to see the doctor. these meds are making it worse. i'll add more later if anything happens
alright. even though i said no blogs for a while, i've changed my fuckin mind. i'm not sad anymore. i'm just fuckin angry. i'm just pissed off in general and i thought i'd take it out on myself earlier. i need to sort my shit out but i'll still be on here. not as much, but this site's too big a deal to abandon entirely. i'm all over the fuckin place today
fuck being upset. what's that going to achieve. i need to fuckin clear my head and think. too much shit going on in there. i'm fuckin angry at how shitty my life is. and it's pretty much my own fault. some of it anyway. there's a lot of things i wish i could have done differently but i don't think getting down is the way to do it. maybe if i get angry i'll actually inspire myself to do something
fuck being upset. what's that going to achieve. i need to fuckin clear my head and think. too much shit going on in there. i'm fuckin angry at how shitty my life is. and it's pretty much my own fault. some of it anyway. there's a lot of things i wish i could have done differently but i don't think getting down is the way to do it. maybe if i get angry i'll actually inspire myself to do something
Unless things drastically change, this is going to be my last blog for a while. A long while. Hope to be back soon. At some stage. I'll probably miss going into Chat.
I don't know what else to do other than type. I'm just sad. Very sad. I'm so damn lonely. It's not fair. I just keep wishing that every time i go to sleep it will end. I'll wake up and my whole life so far will have been a bad dream. But that's not gonna happen. Regardless of what i hope i know i'm still stuck with what i have. Stuck with nothing. Stuck with loneliness. Stuck with myself. Is it too much to ask to just have someone to hug? I've never held a girl's hand. I've never touched a girl. At all. Felt a girl's warmth. I'm not talking about anything sexual. Just companionship. Something other than just myself. I can't last much longer like this. It's too much. Not enough. I can't be alone anymore. I'd rather not be at all, than be alone anymore. I just can't. I've reached the breaking point. If i could just have someone for one night i'd be happy. I could die happy. Just to lie with someone, anyone. And. And. And never wake up again.
I don't know what else to do other than type. I'm just sad. Very sad. I'm so damn lonely. It's not fair. I just keep wishing that every time i go to sleep it will end. I'll wake up and my whole life so far will have been a bad dream. But that's not gonna happen. Regardless of what i hope i know i'm still stuck with what i have. Stuck with nothing. Stuck with loneliness. Stuck with myself. Is it too much to ask to just have someone to hug? I've never held a girl's hand. I've never touched a girl. At all. Felt a girl's warmth. I'm not talking about anything sexual. Just companionship. Something other than just myself. I can't last much longer like this. It's too much. Not enough. I can't be alone anymore. I'd rather not be at all, than be alone anymore. I just can't. I've reached the breaking point. If i could just have someone for one night i'd be happy. I could die happy. Just to lie with someone, anyone. And. And. And never wake up again.
Sometimes do you ever just want to sleep. Sleep for a long time. And not wake up. Forget about everything you have and know and just stop for a while. Shut your brain down and just not think about anything. Just for a little while. Just a break from the sound of my own voice. Not to worry about anything for just a little while. A break from everything. A nice, long break. Not worry about loneliness. Not worry about love. Not worry about who likes you and who doesn't. Not worry about death. Just stop thinking and relax. Is that too much to ask? I just want to stay home and sleep. Try and forget about my excuse for a life
I am so fucking angry right now. For the first time in a long while i really wish i could kill someone. Not just anyone, someone in particular. I haven't felt like this since i was 16, and my second surgery went awry, but at least i still know that it's in there somewhere. You know the type of deep-seated, pure anger that sometimes grips you. Borderline homocidal rage. You know that funny feeling behind your eyes and nose when you're about to bawl your eyes out? I've had that for the past hour. Having emotions just isn't worth it sometimes. This is one of the times where blogging really helps.
Ok. So far i've failed four out of six exams. Flushed them away one after the other. No doubt about it now. My college career is over. For the foreseeable future anyway. Now what am i going to do. Almost finished my letters. My US one won't be delivered in time for Christmas though. Which i'm really pissed about. I wasn't able to finish it any sooner. Hadn't got the words to write. I'm sure they, you know who you are, understand but i'm annoyed at myself. That i couldn't bring myself up to writing it.
“There'll be water if ka wills it”
I'm going to try drawing again. I tried during my astrophysics exam and i did a drawing of my hand that i thought looked very good. My academic work ethic has completely vanished. It got the fuck out of dodge. But it took a lot of my stress with it. I couldn't study for my exams now, even if i wanted to. My academic career is over. Unless something drastic changes i'm not going back. I may have to repay the grant i've received over the past two years, but i don't care if i do. Time's too short to give a shit about saving money. It'll probably amount to half my savings, but i don't care. The anguish of spending time there was too much. Time that money can't buy back. Time to try the artistic route. I'm going to start recording the few dreams that i can recall the following morning. See if that helps the ideas block i've been struggling with. Can't think of anything to write. Can't think of anything to draw. Can't think of anything really. Sort of a dull haze i've been mired in.
I've to head to an exam now, so i'm going to finish it here. It's fading now, so this blog seems to have helped. Thanks for reading if you still are.
Ok. So far i've failed four out of six exams. Flushed them away one after the other. No doubt about it now. My college career is over. For the foreseeable future anyway. Now what am i going to do. Almost finished my letters. My US one won't be delivered in time for Christmas though. Which i'm really pissed about. I wasn't able to finish it any sooner. Hadn't got the words to write. I'm sure they, you know who you are, understand but i'm annoyed at myself. That i couldn't bring myself up to writing it.
“There'll be water if ka wills it”
I'm going to try drawing again. I tried during my astrophysics exam and i did a drawing of my hand that i thought looked very good. My academic work ethic has completely vanished. It got the fuck out of dodge. But it took a lot of my stress with it. I couldn't study for my exams now, even if i wanted to. My academic career is over. Unless something drastic changes i'm not going back. I may have to repay the grant i've received over the past two years, but i don't care if i do. Time's too short to give a shit about saving money. It'll probably amount to half my savings, but i don't care. The anguish of spending time there was too much. Time that money can't buy back. Time to try the artistic route. I'm going to start recording the few dreams that i can recall the following morning. See if that helps the ideas block i've been struggling with. Can't think of anything to write. Can't think of anything to draw. Can't think of anything really. Sort of a dull haze i've been mired in.
I've to head to an exam now, so i'm going to finish it here. It's fading now, so this blog seems to have helped. Thanks for reading if you still are.
Thanks a million to everyone lending support over the last two blogs. I've been a bit rude by not replying to loads of comments, and i just wanted to say that they aren't going unnoticed. They've really lightened up the dark times i've been going through lately. Replies aren't coming easy this time. Maybe it's from all the changes, i'm not sure, but i just wanted to say thanks for caring. It really does mean a lot. I've been leaning hard on a few friends in particular, which i hope will end soon. Til i find my new direction. It's a very hard job for someone to do and you do it spectacularly. I won't name names, but you know who you are. You've really stood by me and put up with all the shit i throw out from day to day. I'm keeping this short, but i just have to say thank you to everyone for reading/offering opinions/caring/giving your time. It means the world to me
Short and sweet this time. Sarcastic of course. Downward spiral after the last blog is worse than i thought it would be. I've tried my hand at drawing, poetry and writing and it's all terrible. Hands won't do what my brain wants. I feel like i've been punched in the gut over and over and i've lost my appetite. One meal a day is all i can muster. My stomach is crunching up with nerves the whole time and my head is swimming. Need to sleep but i can't. Haven't done my Christmas shopping. Can't finish my letters. I've learned three verses of The Raven. Haven't watched a film in almost a month. No new music. Can't stand old music. No romantic/sexual prospects. Everyone talks about stories: “that time with your woman”, or “i had this fuck buddy one time”, but i've got none of them. None of them and never will. Both my parents disagree with my course of action with college, so i've to try and explain it to them. Turns out one of the boys i knew who died in the last few months may have killed himself. Maybe he looked at life the way it's starting to look right now. Bleak, lonely, miserable... Happiness doesn't always last, but a taste of it every now and then wouldn't go amiss. The seeds of doubt grow extensive roots. Now i've to try and write again. Write letters that are gonna be stupid anyway. Try and fill a never-ending void.
“Be that word our sign of parting, bird or fiend!”, I shrieked, upstarting
“Get thee back into the tempest, and the night's Plutonian shore,
Leave no black plume as a token, of the lie thy soul hath spoken,
Leave my loneliness unbroken -quit the bust above my door.
Take thy beak from out my heart, and take thy form from off my door”
Quoth the raven, “Nevermore”
Same cycle over and over in my head. Loneliness, elation. Hope, despair. It all comes to the same conclusion. There is nothing. Has to end sometime.
“Be that word our sign of parting, bird or fiend!”, I shrieked, upstarting
“Get thee back into the tempest, and the night's Plutonian shore,
Leave no black plume as a token, of the lie thy soul hath spoken,
Leave my loneliness unbroken -quit the bust above my door.
Take thy beak from out my heart, and take thy form from off my door”
Quoth the raven, “Nevermore”
Same cycle over and over in my head. Loneliness, elation. Hope, despair. It all comes to the same conclusion. There is nothing. Has to end sometime.
I promised epic and i'm planning on delivering! This is the start of THE blog. At the minute i'm 100% certain that this is my plan! My final, definite course of action. This is the blog explaining everything i've been trying to find for the past while. I think this may even be my life. My existence. What i've been searching for my whole life. The type of life changing decision that i've heard about but never understood. A defining point in my life. It hit me today during my first exam. For the past while i've done no work for college. The mere thought of doing college work has sapped me of all my energy. Cast a large shadow over my entire life. Caused a lot of the visits to the terrible places i've been recently. I've finally figured why that is and exactly how it's made me feel. So i've made a giant leap. Today was my last day of education. I will never sit another exam. I will never sit through anything i don't like. Never again.
Today was my first exam of the first semester of third year, in my new Math-Physics degree. For the past few weeks i've been falling behind in every aspect of college work. I've had no strength to muster up for the necessary work. Earlier today i attended my sister's graduation. Her reception of her MA in Anglo-Irish Literature. She was top of her class and i couldn't be prouder of her. She stood up in front of all of her peers, and her Masters Degree was conferred on her. She's the first person in my family's history to complete a Masters. This was at 2pm earlier today (Monday, seeing as this blog will take a while to complete) and my exam was scheduled for 6pm the same day. The whole ceremony i had something on my mind. I kept thinking about this ceremony and the fact that if i graduated, i would have to go through this same thing. I couldn't picture it. I couldn't picture myself among all these people. The pomp, the procession of the grand intelligencia of the university, the dignified robes and Latin speeches. It all seemed alien to me. I knew, deep down, that this wasn't me. I couldn't picture any of this applying to me. I'm not taking anything away from my sister, or anyone else who has, or has had, the drive and steadfast determination to complete a degree. Anyone who has completed this feat, or has every intention of doing it has my utmost respect. But this is not for me. I know that now. This was never me. Never was and never will be.
This leads into my major revelation. The whole lead up to my exam i didn't have any qualms or any doubts about the exam. Before it i bought a bottle of Diet Coke, two fresh pens, and i notebook i thought looked cool. That's all i did. I wasn't even sure which exam i had. I had done no work for it. Hadn't handed up any in-class worksheets. But i waltzed into the hall without a care in the world. I received the paper, and, understandably, i hadn't a clue how to answer any one of the five questions, let alone three. And still, i wasn't fazed. I still had a numb, serene glaze. No panic. Every other exam i've had, it's been a tough race to finish. Writing as fast as i can til all my time ran out. The last exam i took was in April, the last exam of second year. That time, i was pushed til the very end. And i was relieved they were all over.
My last exam was a few months before i joined SG, and there have been several drastic changes since then. Personal, social and everything in between. I've lost a few people i know very well. I lost a close friend i've known since i was 7. We both have the same condition, except he wasn't as fortunate. As well as him, another few people i know have died. Who have been younger than me, around my younger brother's age, and this just really got to me. The past few months my life has been in constant flux. I've strived to break free of the mould i've been in for the past five years. The mould of isolation, loneliness, and unflinching focus on either my studies or computer games. I neglected all my relationships. Forgot how to have fun. Forgot how to interact with people. Tried to forget about my life and every possibility i had. It's taken me a long time to reach the point i'm at now, and it just spontaneously clicked during my exam earlier.
I've decided to throw in the towel. I'm giving up on college. I'm thinking of this as my retirement. My retirement from my old life. I'm not going back to education ever again. I've realised now what the most important thing in my life is. Or what it will be. From here on i'm doing what i want to do. What i think will make me feel the way i want. Before now i've felt a pressure to work hard, buckle down and achieve. Most of this pressure has come from me personally, i'm not casting any blame here. My parents have been nothing but supportive of me my entire life. They've pushed me when i needed pushing, but i think the time has come for me to step out and do it myself. Decide where i want to be pushed, and how hard.
I know this probably sounds like the craziest idea in the world, but i don't want any more stress, anxiety, personal pressure. I'm throwing away the past two years i've spent in college. But i'm willing to do that. I'm willing to throw it all away, just to give myself a break. That's how big a deal this is to me. I really think i've made a fundamental breakthrough here. I've accepted the hand i've been dealt and i'm willing to forsake academia. My family are going to think i've lost the plot. I imagine there are going to be a lot of harsh, but well meaning, discussions about it. I'm willing to shoulder all that, to live the way i want.
In my exam yesterday (Monday), i received my paper. 5 questions. Pick 3. I read through them quietly, calmly and opened my answer booklet. I checked the questions again, and just stopped. Wrote the number 1 in the top corner and stopped. I couldn't answer the questions. I drew a blank. The only thoughts running through my head were:
“Fairies wear boots and you've got to believe me. I saw it, i saw it, with my own two eyes”.
That was it. And i felt like drawing. So i wrote out those lyrics. Wrote out the first verse of The Raven, by Poe.
“Once upon a midnight dreary, as i pondered, weak and weary,
Over many a quaint and curious, volume of forgotten lore
When i nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping
As of someone gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door.
'Tis a visitor', i muttered, 'Rapping at my chamber door'
'Only this and nothing more'”
Drew a picture of a skull. Drew how the music in my head made me feel. Converted my thoughts into something i liked. Something i was happy with. And i just smiled.that was all i did. The rules said that i had to wait an hour before i could leave. So i waited. Once an hour was up i just said i wanted to leave. And that i wasn't handing anything up. That was it. Scribbled out what i'd written while the examiner went to check with the coordinator about what to do in situations like this. I just looked around the room i was in. Candlemass lyrics popped into my head, so i wrote them down.
“Sitting here alone in darkness, waiting to be free-ee-hee.
Lonely and forlon, i am crying.
Waiting for my time to die, death brings new li-hi-hife
Please let me die in solitude...”
Intermission 1:
Did i mention that this was a Computational Science exam. The examiner came back and asked me to come outside. For the past two years it's been pretty much the same 4 or 5 examiners, and two of them asked to talk to me. So i obliged. They asked what was wrong. But i was just grinning. I'm sure i looked like a right crackpot, but i don't care. I just explained that i couldn't do it. No particular reason. I just didn't feel like it. They had seen me working frantically for every other exam. Never finishing early. Kept writing til the last minute. They said it was completely out of character and i agreed. But i think that's changed. I think my character is different to what it was last April. I think all the things i've been through, and all the things i've done have really changed who i am. I'm not the same person i was back then. In all the chasms that i've visited during the past few months, i've been collecting dirt along the way. I've accumulated more and more dirt as i've gone. Throughout all my depressive periods i've been digging deeper. Going further down. Taking back more dirt than the last time. My personality's clothes were caked in it. Every time i dug deeper i brought back more dirt that affected my everyday life. I've realised now, that during all that excavation, that i've found the jewel i've been looking for. Ok, i thought of a better way of explaining it. The change in personality, the change in character. My old personality is lead. My new personality is gold. I've found my Philosopher's Stone. The magical object needed to get rid of my old, unsatisfying, lead life, and transmute it into the gold one i've been looking for.
So that's the gist of it. I'm giving up. Throwing in the towel. From now on i'm only going to do what makes me happy. I'm retiring.
I'm giving up on academia. I'm friends with some lecturers in college, so i might head in to tell them what i'm doing. The lack of a social life in college should make the change easier than it could have been. I don't believe in fate, destiny or divine prophecy, but something about this decision seems right. Just something, deep down, feels fundamentally right. Like the Rose. The choir of a thousand voices, ringing out as one. This is how it feels. This is the only way i know of expressing my feelings. I haven't read any deep texts. I haven't studied life, or philosophy or anything other than physics. The books i've read have been commercial, sci-fi, japanese love stories about quirky events or graphic novels. I don't have a wide range of literary quotes to emphasise and express my feelings. I'm expressing things the way i can. It may be quoting Stephen King's Dark Tower, but it means a lot to me. If i hadn't read it i wouldn't be able to properly verbalise how i'm feeling right now. I don't really care anymore. I don't care if my sister says that her philosophy books are more important. I'm focusing on myself from now on. I'm focusing on reading and experiencing the things i want, the way i want. I don't care if people see the things i'm doing as trivial, because it means something TO ME.
Intermission 2:
And that's the main point. I want to find out more about myself. By doing what i want. By not striving for a degree that i don't really want. I don't have the energy anymore. My reserves have run dry. The energy is still there, just in a different form. It's been changed from hydroelectric power to nuclear power. I don't know if that makes sense. The steady energy flow i've been channeling into my studies has changed. I now have an explosive need to express myself. To feel what my physical body can't. To express what my mind can't express. To create. To draw. To write. To compose letters to people i might not ever meet. To write Black Sabbath lyrics out. To write non-sensical stories about two people. To close my eyes while i listen to music and feel. Put my pen to paper and just move my hand the way the music tells me to. Ignore conscious thought and just DO. That's the only word that can properly describe it. Do what i feel. Feel what i sense. Expand my mind.
Enhance the life i'm leading, by being who i am. What is thought? Can thought be visualised? I know thoughts are the motion of neurons in the brain, but that's not what i'm saying. What does thought mean to me? Does thinking about thought change the nature of thought? Like Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle. Velocity and position can never be known, simultaneously, for certain. There is always a fuzziness with quantum mechanics. Probabilities instead of certainties. Is it the same with thought? Can thought be pictured as a probability wave? Does thinking about thought change the fundamental notion of thought? This probably makes very little sense, but i'm writing what i'm thinking at this moment. The honest workings of my brain. And i'm not going to ignore it either.
Intermission 3:
I listened to what i felt last night. I felt, with all my existence that i had to make a decision. There and then. I made a decision to throw it all away. Instead of the exam questions, i wrote a mixed bundle of song lyrics, poetry and vaguely artistic scrawlings. Because i wanted to. I'm still the same person, but i'm not. My character has changed, but it hasn't. I've realised several things. I've accepted my mortality. If i don't make a decision now, will i ever have the fortitude to do it again? I don't think so. I think this is the only chance i have, so i'm doing it. Yes i worked hard for two years in college. And yes i worked hard for several years before that. But i'm willing to forsake it all, because this is what i want to do. I'm willing to quit working, because i feel i'm done with it. I want to enjoy the remaining time i have. Think of this as a mid-life crisis. A fundamental shift in my brain. The physical realisation of what i've been struggling with the past few years. The physical decision to drop it all and pursue my remaining ember of creativity. If possible rekindle the flame it once was.
The time i spent in hospital. The events that left me out of commision, psychologically, made me forget. Made me forget the creativity i have within. Made my creativity fade to a dull spark of what it once was. Maybe it's too late. Maybe i've come to my senses to late to reclaim myself. But i'm willing to do it now. I'm willing to drop everything and feel. Feel what i want. What i need. I think this is my final chance. If i hadn't written what i wanted last night, i'm positive my last creative ember would have been extinguished. I thought of a new analogy. Imagine my creative self as a candle, inside a sealed container. Over the years, the sealed container has been filling up with CO2, slowly but surely dimming the candle's flame. The flame fell lower and lower, dimmer and dimmer, until last night. Last night i tore the container away. The CO2 choking the flame has disappated, and oxygen has flooded in to take it's place. It's a slow process, but i think that my flame will eventually come back.
Intermission 4:
When i was younger i was praised for my creative writing. My primary school teacher loaned me her personal copy of Lord of the Rings, because she thought i should read it. That i'd like it. I remembered this last night. Ms Day had loaned her personal, hardback compendium of all three books to a 10 year old boy. Does that not mean something? Maybe she saw something in me that i've forgotten. Something i realised but can't remember? Maybe it's something i haven't found out how to tap in to. Hell, i don't know. Maybe it's a delusion i've put myself under because i'm really a lazy bastard. Doubts are running through my head, of course. This is a momentous step for me. I'm defying all logic, reason and common sense. On the off chance that i might find happiness. It's a big risk, but it's my risk to take. I reckon i have 10 good years left. At best. So i'm deciding now, to retire.
This is a step normally taken by people when they reach 65. For a lot of people it's forced on them. By the time they reach retirement age they still don't want to give up work. I'm taking the initiative. I'm making up my mind to do what i really, really feel is right. What i feel is necessary. I know this won't fix the problems i have. I know it's not going to get rid of the dark moments, the depression. It would be folly to think it would. But i think relying on how i feel is the way forward. I'd much rather spend my time listening to music and drawing a nonsense design than pore through a textbook. I'd much rather play computer games and read Stephen King than make myself learn Differential Geometry. Going to those classes, going to those exams has changed. They haven't changed, but i have. Not really changed, just... i'm not sure how to describe it.
Intermission 5:
The way i think, is different to the way it was. And i only realised this, concretely, when i tried to start my exam. One of the ways i think of it is this. The stick that was my thought method has snapped. But it hasn't broken. I don't know when this happened. Sometime in the past three months i reached rock bottom. I reached the bottom of my seemingly neverending well. And shattered into a million pieces. It's sort of like the ending of Terminator 2. The liquid metal that made up my personality, that made up the constantly changing facade i maintained, has almost reached a stable equilibrium. My psychological version of Arnie has frozen my T1000 of a personality, with a tanker of liquid nitrogen. And shattered it using a 9mm. The pieces fell to the ground, not picking themselves up. But this first exam has turned out to be my vat of molten lead. The shattered pieces are thawing. Returning to liquid and reforming. Reforming into an entirely new shape.
“Have you seen this boy?” (holds up photo)"
I know that any scholars who read that last paragraph will be quivering with rage right now! Comparing my perception of psychology to a cheesy (but amazing) sci-fi film. But that's what i'm doing. I'm thinking of things they way i want. Relating my feelings to things i enjoy and appreciate. Regardless of how it might be perceived. Without putting pressure on myself. I don't want that anymore. I don't want to feel like i have felt the past little while. I'm sick of it. I want it to end and i think this is the way to make it happen. I know very well that after i post this blog i'll tumble into a downslope again. And because of how big this revelation is for me, personally, i know it's going to be a bad one. Might not happen today, or tomorrow, but that's how my brain works. Or at least i think it is. For making these personal revelations there has to be an equal and opposite action. I know that, but i still think this is the way forward. I'm just letting the stress go.
I have no experience with this. I have no experience outside academia. It's the structure my life has been based around for as long as i can remember, and i think it's time i moved past it. It's time for a change. I still maintain all the same interests as before. I'm still the same person, same terrible sense of humour. Same nervous as fuck at the prospect of talking to people, but i'm seeing it from a different angle right now. I think i'm finally started using the other side of my brain. The artistic, self-expressive side. I don't know when this sudden change happened. Have you ever tried to consciously analyze the progress of your thoughts? Determine, retroactively, when you stopped thinking a certain way? Cos i sure as hell can't. And i don't expect to any time soon. It's not important though. I want to explore my newly opened brain.
Intermission 6:
I think i shut off different parts of my brain over the years. Like a newly partitioned hard drive, i started from scratch, but divided. The exact same shell, just with each part segregated from the other. Rebuilt myself after missing a chunk of my teens, but in a flawed way. The mould had a crack in it. A crack that i didn't realise had occured until it had been baked through. I hadn't realised it until i really analyzed my self and my life. Until the less of several people woke me up again. I really wish they were still here, but i know that's not going to happen. They're gone and there's no point in hoping and wishing for a better life. I have to make myself happy. I have to choose for myself. I have to consciously choose my path in life. And it's not in education. That's the wrong direction. I know that now.
The next question. What the hell am i going to do? I don't know. For the time being i just want to think. I want to do feelings. If you know what i mean. I want to do how i feel. Draw (even though i'm shite at drawing), listen to music, talk to friends, watch films, play computer games, read comics, read sci-fi, watch television, drink the odd time, appreciate things, and how things affect me. I know that that's important now. And, hell. I might even experiment beyond thought. The only mind altering substances i've ever taken have been anti-depressants, alcohol or caffeine. I haven't wanted to explore myself before. The recesses of my brain and the conclusions i can draw. About life, the universe, and everything in it.
Another thing (i'm almost done, honest) i've discovered is regarding my sleeping habits. Last saturday i decided to pull an all-nighter again. I stayed up for 38 hours. And by the end of it, i was happy. I was feeling the twinges of creativity again. And i was afraid to fall asleep. I was genuinely afraid that the new places my brain had reached were going to vanish overnight. And to a certain extent they did. Monday morning, when i woke up, my brain was foggy. I had a vague recollection of feeling the urge to write, but it left me. I was starting to fall down again. Deeper.
But during my sister's graduation, i heard one of her Professors giving a speech. He was talking about the importance of education. He's a well-known Joycean scholar. Intelligent, articulate, funny. And something in his speech jogged my brain. I could remember some of my sleepless two days. Like a spotlight, the creative part of my brain was relit. He said:
“Life, for some people, is about education. I myself am a product of a successful exam career, but life doesn't depend on formal education. The university is a place, not for learning, but for collaboration. Discussion, interaction.”
It was along those lines anyway. I felt like a small weight had been lifted, but the exam was still ahead. And it all left me in the exams. That was the catalyst to start the reaction. I completely threw my first exam. And i couldn't stop smiling. I just want to be artistic from now on. Do what makes me feel relaxed, happy. I've noticed a decline in my competitive nature. I don't want to annoy anyone, i just want to have good times. Visit the people i've come to call friends. Further develop my existing relationships and make as many as i can. Spend the money i have saved. Do things i haven't done. And just forget about the bad stuff.
Already i can feel the cloud rearing it's ugly head. But it's ok. I'm going to write and draw and forget about the stress i've been through. Relax and retire from the stuff i don't like. Enjoy what i have. Trivial, enjoyable frivolity, i know, but what i like. And a lot of it will involve this site. I'm not gonna lie.
"I'm waiting for my real life to begin"
What i see as enjoyment, what allows me to discover myself. And fuck the rest. Love is the ideal consequence, but i'm ok with that not happening. Closeness of any kind would be a bonus, a huge bonus, but enjoyment is the name of the game. I don't know if this is the exact definition of hedonism, but i don't really care. Call it what you will, i'm calling it life.
Today was my first exam of the first semester of third year, in my new Math-Physics degree. For the past few weeks i've been falling behind in every aspect of college work. I've had no strength to muster up for the necessary work. Earlier today i attended my sister's graduation. Her reception of her MA in Anglo-Irish Literature. She was top of her class and i couldn't be prouder of her. She stood up in front of all of her peers, and her Masters Degree was conferred on her. She's the first person in my family's history to complete a Masters. This was at 2pm earlier today (Monday, seeing as this blog will take a while to complete) and my exam was scheduled for 6pm the same day. The whole ceremony i had something on my mind. I kept thinking about this ceremony and the fact that if i graduated, i would have to go through this same thing. I couldn't picture it. I couldn't picture myself among all these people. The pomp, the procession of the grand intelligencia of the university, the dignified robes and Latin speeches. It all seemed alien to me. I knew, deep down, that this wasn't me. I couldn't picture any of this applying to me. I'm not taking anything away from my sister, or anyone else who has, or has had, the drive and steadfast determination to complete a degree. Anyone who has completed this feat, or has every intention of doing it has my utmost respect. But this is not for me. I know that now. This was never me. Never was and never will be.
This leads into my major revelation. The whole lead up to my exam i didn't have any qualms or any doubts about the exam. Before it i bought a bottle of Diet Coke, two fresh pens, and i notebook i thought looked cool. That's all i did. I wasn't even sure which exam i had. I had done no work for it. Hadn't handed up any in-class worksheets. But i waltzed into the hall without a care in the world. I received the paper, and, understandably, i hadn't a clue how to answer any one of the five questions, let alone three. And still, i wasn't fazed. I still had a numb, serene glaze. No panic. Every other exam i've had, it's been a tough race to finish. Writing as fast as i can til all my time ran out. The last exam i took was in April, the last exam of second year. That time, i was pushed til the very end. And i was relieved they were all over.
My last exam was a few months before i joined SG, and there have been several drastic changes since then. Personal, social and everything in between. I've lost a few people i know very well. I lost a close friend i've known since i was 7. We both have the same condition, except he wasn't as fortunate. As well as him, another few people i know have died. Who have been younger than me, around my younger brother's age, and this just really got to me. The past few months my life has been in constant flux. I've strived to break free of the mould i've been in for the past five years. The mould of isolation, loneliness, and unflinching focus on either my studies or computer games. I neglected all my relationships. Forgot how to have fun. Forgot how to interact with people. Tried to forget about my life and every possibility i had. It's taken me a long time to reach the point i'm at now, and it just spontaneously clicked during my exam earlier.
I've decided to throw in the towel. I'm giving up on college. I'm thinking of this as my retirement. My retirement from my old life. I'm not going back to education ever again. I've realised now what the most important thing in my life is. Or what it will be. From here on i'm doing what i want to do. What i think will make me feel the way i want. Before now i've felt a pressure to work hard, buckle down and achieve. Most of this pressure has come from me personally, i'm not casting any blame here. My parents have been nothing but supportive of me my entire life. They've pushed me when i needed pushing, but i think the time has come for me to step out and do it myself. Decide where i want to be pushed, and how hard.
I know this probably sounds like the craziest idea in the world, but i don't want any more stress, anxiety, personal pressure. I'm throwing away the past two years i've spent in college. But i'm willing to do that. I'm willing to throw it all away, just to give myself a break. That's how big a deal this is to me. I really think i've made a fundamental breakthrough here. I've accepted the hand i've been dealt and i'm willing to forsake academia. My family are going to think i've lost the plot. I imagine there are going to be a lot of harsh, but well meaning, discussions about it. I'm willing to shoulder all that, to live the way i want.
In my exam yesterday (Monday), i received my paper. 5 questions. Pick 3. I read through them quietly, calmly and opened my answer booklet. I checked the questions again, and just stopped. Wrote the number 1 in the top corner and stopped. I couldn't answer the questions. I drew a blank. The only thoughts running through my head were:
“Fairies wear boots and you've got to believe me. I saw it, i saw it, with my own two eyes”.
That was it. And i felt like drawing. So i wrote out those lyrics. Wrote out the first verse of The Raven, by Poe.
“Once upon a midnight dreary, as i pondered, weak and weary,
Over many a quaint and curious, volume of forgotten lore
When i nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping
As of someone gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door.
'Tis a visitor', i muttered, 'Rapping at my chamber door'
'Only this and nothing more'”
Drew a picture of a skull. Drew how the music in my head made me feel. Converted my thoughts into something i liked. Something i was happy with. And i just smiled.that was all i did. The rules said that i had to wait an hour before i could leave. So i waited. Once an hour was up i just said i wanted to leave. And that i wasn't handing anything up. That was it. Scribbled out what i'd written while the examiner went to check with the coordinator about what to do in situations like this. I just looked around the room i was in. Candlemass lyrics popped into my head, so i wrote them down.
“Sitting here alone in darkness, waiting to be free-ee-hee.
Lonely and forlon, i am crying.
Waiting for my time to die, death brings new li-hi-hife
Please let me die in solitude...”
Intermission 1:
Did i mention that this was a Computational Science exam. The examiner came back and asked me to come outside. For the past two years it's been pretty much the same 4 or 5 examiners, and two of them asked to talk to me. So i obliged. They asked what was wrong. But i was just grinning. I'm sure i looked like a right crackpot, but i don't care. I just explained that i couldn't do it. No particular reason. I just didn't feel like it. They had seen me working frantically for every other exam. Never finishing early. Kept writing til the last minute. They said it was completely out of character and i agreed. But i think that's changed. I think my character is different to what it was last April. I think all the things i've been through, and all the things i've done have really changed who i am. I'm not the same person i was back then. In all the chasms that i've visited during the past few months, i've been collecting dirt along the way. I've accumulated more and more dirt as i've gone. Throughout all my depressive periods i've been digging deeper. Going further down. Taking back more dirt than the last time. My personality's clothes were caked in it. Every time i dug deeper i brought back more dirt that affected my everyday life. I've realised now, that during all that excavation, that i've found the jewel i've been looking for. Ok, i thought of a better way of explaining it. The change in personality, the change in character. My old personality is lead. My new personality is gold. I've found my Philosopher's Stone. The magical object needed to get rid of my old, unsatisfying, lead life, and transmute it into the gold one i've been looking for.
So that's the gist of it. I'm giving up. Throwing in the towel. From now on i'm only going to do what makes me happy. I'm retiring.
I'm giving up on academia. I'm friends with some lecturers in college, so i might head in to tell them what i'm doing. The lack of a social life in college should make the change easier than it could have been. I don't believe in fate, destiny or divine prophecy, but something about this decision seems right. Just something, deep down, feels fundamentally right. Like the Rose. The choir of a thousand voices, ringing out as one. This is how it feels. This is the only way i know of expressing my feelings. I haven't read any deep texts. I haven't studied life, or philosophy or anything other than physics. The books i've read have been commercial, sci-fi, japanese love stories about quirky events or graphic novels. I don't have a wide range of literary quotes to emphasise and express my feelings. I'm expressing things the way i can. It may be quoting Stephen King's Dark Tower, but it means a lot to me. If i hadn't read it i wouldn't be able to properly verbalise how i'm feeling right now. I don't really care anymore. I don't care if my sister says that her philosophy books are more important. I'm focusing on myself from now on. I'm focusing on reading and experiencing the things i want, the way i want. I don't care if people see the things i'm doing as trivial, because it means something TO ME.
Intermission 2:
And that's the main point. I want to find out more about myself. By doing what i want. By not striving for a degree that i don't really want. I don't have the energy anymore. My reserves have run dry. The energy is still there, just in a different form. It's been changed from hydroelectric power to nuclear power. I don't know if that makes sense. The steady energy flow i've been channeling into my studies has changed. I now have an explosive need to express myself. To feel what my physical body can't. To express what my mind can't express. To create. To draw. To write. To compose letters to people i might not ever meet. To write Black Sabbath lyrics out. To write non-sensical stories about two people. To close my eyes while i listen to music and feel. Put my pen to paper and just move my hand the way the music tells me to. Ignore conscious thought and just DO. That's the only word that can properly describe it. Do what i feel. Feel what i sense. Expand my mind.
Enhance the life i'm leading, by being who i am. What is thought? Can thought be visualised? I know thoughts are the motion of neurons in the brain, but that's not what i'm saying. What does thought mean to me? Does thinking about thought change the nature of thought? Like Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle. Velocity and position can never be known, simultaneously, for certain. There is always a fuzziness with quantum mechanics. Probabilities instead of certainties. Is it the same with thought? Can thought be pictured as a probability wave? Does thinking about thought change the fundamental notion of thought? This probably makes very little sense, but i'm writing what i'm thinking at this moment. The honest workings of my brain. And i'm not going to ignore it either.
Intermission 3:
I listened to what i felt last night. I felt, with all my existence that i had to make a decision. There and then. I made a decision to throw it all away. Instead of the exam questions, i wrote a mixed bundle of song lyrics, poetry and vaguely artistic scrawlings. Because i wanted to. I'm still the same person, but i'm not. My character has changed, but it hasn't. I've realised several things. I've accepted my mortality. If i don't make a decision now, will i ever have the fortitude to do it again? I don't think so. I think this is the only chance i have, so i'm doing it. Yes i worked hard for two years in college. And yes i worked hard for several years before that. But i'm willing to forsake it all, because this is what i want to do. I'm willing to quit working, because i feel i'm done with it. I want to enjoy the remaining time i have. Think of this as a mid-life crisis. A fundamental shift in my brain. The physical realisation of what i've been struggling with the past few years. The physical decision to drop it all and pursue my remaining ember of creativity. If possible rekindle the flame it once was.
The time i spent in hospital. The events that left me out of commision, psychologically, made me forget. Made me forget the creativity i have within. Made my creativity fade to a dull spark of what it once was. Maybe it's too late. Maybe i've come to my senses to late to reclaim myself. But i'm willing to do it now. I'm willing to drop everything and feel. Feel what i want. What i need. I think this is my final chance. If i hadn't written what i wanted last night, i'm positive my last creative ember would have been extinguished. I thought of a new analogy. Imagine my creative self as a candle, inside a sealed container. Over the years, the sealed container has been filling up with CO2, slowly but surely dimming the candle's flame. The flame fell lower and lower, dimmer and dimmer, until last night. Last night i tore the container away. The CO2 choking the flame has disappated, and oxygen has flooded in to take it's place. It's a slow process, but i think that my flame will eventually come back.
Intermission 4:
When i was younger i was praised for my creative writing. My primary school teacher loaned me her personal copy of Lord of the Rings, because she thought i should read it. That i'd like it. I remembered this last night. Ms Day had loaned her personal, hardback compendium of all three books to a 10 year old boy. Does that not mean something? Maybe she saw something in me that i've forgotten. Something i realised but can't remember? Maybe it's something i haven't found out how to tap in to. Hell, i don't know. Maybe it's a delusion i've put myself under because i'm really a lazy bastard. Doubts are running through my head, of course. This is a momentous step for me. I'm defying all logic, reason and common sense. On the off chance that i might find happiness. It's a big risk, but it's my risk to take. I reckon i have 10 good years left. At best. So i'm deciding now, to retire.
This is a step normally taken by people when they reach 65. For a lot of people it's forced on them. By the time they reach retirement age they still don't want to give up work. I'm taking the initiative. I'm making up my mind to do what i really, really feel is right. What i feel is necessary. I know this won't fix the problems i have. I know it's not going to get rid of the dark moments, the depression. It would be folly to think it would. But i think relying on how i feel is the way forward. I'd much rather spend my time listening to music and drawing a nonsense design than pore through a textbook. I'd much rather play computer games and read Stephen King than make myself learn Differential Geometry. Going to those classes, going to those exams has changed. They haven't changed, but i have. Not really changed, just... i'm not sure how to describe it.
Intermission 5:
The way i think, is different to the way it was. And i only realised this, concretely, when i tried to start my exam. One of the ways i think of it is this. The stick that was my thought method has snapped. But it hasn't broken. I don't know when this happened. Sometime in the past three months i reached rock bottom. I reached the bottom of my seemingly neverending well. And shattered into a million pieces. It's sort of like the ending of Terminator 2. The liquid metal that made up my personality, that made up the constantly changing facade i maintained, has almost reached a stable equilibrium. My psychological version of Arnie has frozen my T1000 of a personality, with a tanker of liquid nitrogen. And shattered it using a 9mm. The pieces fell to the ground, not picking themselves up. But this first exam has turned out to be my vat of molten lead. The shattered pieces are thawing. Returning to liquid and reforming. Reforming into an entirely new shape.
“Have you seen this boy?” (holds up photo)"
I know that any scholars who read that last paragraph will be quivering with rage right now! Comparing my perception of psychology to a cheesy (but amazing) sci-fi film. But that's what i'm doing. I'm thinking of things they way i want. Relating my feelings to things i enjoy and appreciate. Regardless of how it might be perceived. Without putting pressure on myself. I don't want that anymore. I don't want to feel like i have felt the past little while. I'm sick of it. I want it to end and i think this is the way to make it happen. I know very well that after i post this blog i'll tumble into a downslope again. And because of how big this revelation is for me, personally, i know it's going to be a bad one. Might not happen today, or tomorrow, but that's how my brain works. Or at least i think it is. For making these personal revelations there has to be an equal and opposite action. I know that, but i still think this is the way forward. I'm just letting the stress go.
I have no experience with this. I have no experience outside academia. It's the structure my life has been based around for as long as i can remember, and i think it's time i moved past it. It's time for a change. I still maintain all the same interests as before. I'm still the same person, same terrible sense of humour. Same nervous as fuck at the prospect of talking to people, but i'm seeing it from a different angle right now. I think i'm finally started using the other side of my brain. The artistic, self-expressive side. I don't know when this sudden change happened. Have you ever tried to consciously analyze the progress of your thoughts? Determine, retroactively, when you stopped thinking a certain way? Cos i sure as hell can't. And i don't expect to any time soon. It's not important though. I want to explore my newly opened brain.
Intermission 6:
I think i shut off different parts of my brain over the years. Like a newly partitioned hard drive, i started from scratch, but divided. The exact same shell, just with each part segregated from the other. Rebuilt myself after missing a chunk of my teens, but in a flawed way. The mould had a crack in it. A crack that i didn't realise had occured until it had been baked through. I hadn't realised it until i really analyzed my self and my life. Until the less of several people woke me up again. I really wish they were still here, but i know that's not going to happen. They're gone and there's no point in hoping and wishing for a better life. I have to make myself happy. I have to choose for myself. I have to consciously choose my path in life. And it's not in education. That's the wrong direction. I know that now.
The next question. What the hell am i going to do? I don't know. For the time being i just want to think. I want to do feelings. If you know what i mean. I want to do how i feel. Draw (even though i'm shite at drawing), listen to music, talk to friends, watch films, play computer games, read comics, read sci-fi, watch television, drink the odd time, appreciate things, and how things affect me. I know that that's important now. And, hell. I might even experiment beyond thought. The only mind altering substances i've ever taken have been anti-depressants, alcohol or caffeine. I haven't wanted to explore myself before. The recesses of my brain and the conclusions i can draw. About life, the universe, and everything in it.
Another thing (i'm almost done, honest
) i've discovered is regarding my sleeping habits. Last saturday i decided to pull an all-nighter again. I stayed up for 38 hours. And by the end of it, i was happy. I was feeling the twinges of creativity again. And i was afraid to fall asleep. I was genuinely afraid that the new places my brain had reached were going to vanish overnight. And to a certain extent they did. Monday morning, when i woke up, my brain was foggy. I had a vague recollection of feeling the urge to write, but it left me. I was starting to fall down again. Deeper.But during my sister's graduation, i heard one of her Professors giving a speech. He was talking about the importance of education. He's a well-known Joycean scholar. Intelligent, articulate, funny. And something in his speech jogged my brain. I could remember some of my sleepless two days. Like a spotlight, the creative part of my brain was relit. He said:
“Life, for some people, is about education. I myself am a product of a successful exam career, but life doesn't depend on formal education. The university is a place, not for learning, but for collaboration. Discussion, interaction.”
It was along those lines anyway. I felt like a small weight had been lifted, but the exam was still ahead. And it all left me in the exams. That was the catalyst to start the reaction. I completely threw my first exam. And i couldn't stop smiling. I just want to be artistic from now on. Do what makes me feel relaxed, happy. I've noticed a decline in my competitive nature. I don't want to annoy anyone, i just want to have good times. Visit the people i've come to call friends. Further develop my existing relationships and make as many as i can. Spend the money i have saved. Do things i haven't done. And just forget about the bad stuff.
Already i can feel the cloud rearing it's ugly head. But it's ok. I'm going to write and draw and forget about the stress i've been through. Relax and retire from the stuff i don't like. Enjoy what i have. Trivial, enjoyable frivolity, i know, but what i like. And a lot of it will involve this site. I'm not gonna lie.
"I'm waiting for my real life to begin"
What i see as enjoyment, what allows me to discover myself. And fuck the rest. Love is the ideal consequence, but i'm ok with that not happening. Closeness of any kind would be a bonus, a huge bonus, but enjoyment is the name of the game. I don't know if this is the exact definition of hedonism, but i don't really care. Call it what you will, i'm calling it life.
