WARNING: The following blog is likely to contain way too many words, random stream-of-consciousness not-really-that-interesting barely-coherent type thoughts, asbestos, stupid pet photos, and/or peanuts/peanut pieces. You should probably stop reading now.


Hey there - and Happy 2008, Motherfuckers!

I am feeling much better, thanks. The holidays actually weren't so bad after all. In fact, a few people really came through for me - and you know who you are!


So, it's resolution time, right? Ok, here we go!

1. Less alcohol
Umm, yeah - random party bruises? Not really so cute.
Not knowing the name of everyone you slept with in 2007? Also, not cute.
In addition, I have to go to the DMV to get my THIRD replacement driver's license since July. Getting trashed and losing your shit sucks ass. Oh, and my favorite coat is MIA because the coat check at the fetish club gave me the wrong one and I was TOO DRUNK to notice. Nice. (In my defense, both coats were navy blue wool - so, you know, don't be too hard on me.) And, side note, how was I unlucky enough to get the only coat at a fetish club with no drugs in the pockets? What the fuck is that? Just some nasty-ass chap-stick and a couple of quarters….geeze.

2. The whole "new year" diet & exercise thing, duh
I have been eating like a pig. Seriously. And I have a little buddha belly situation percolating. Even the fat jeans hurt. So - waaaaaay less alcohol (see above), no more refined sugar and no food at all after 8pm. Done. See kids? Dieting is easy!
Hint: To ensure success, think about throwing up after meals. And don't forget to take speed!

3. On lockdown after Ambien
No more driving, texting, calling, emailing, online shopping or eating after taking the nighty-night pills. Not sure exactly how I'll be locking myself in my bedroom, but I am working on it. While keeping fire safety top of mind…..of course…..yeah…..wouldn't want to lock myself in a burning house……nope…...ha ha. Ha. Ahem.

4. Be a tad bit more careful while driving
I just totaled two vehicles in three months. 'Nuff said.

So - Four - That's enough, right? I mean, I'd hate to over-reach.

Quick pay-per-view movie review: Pirates of the whatever III - what a suck ass piece of crap. Perhaps 1/10th of the CGI budget could have been spent on….hmmmm…..I don't know…..writers??!! Not to mention the shear lazy-ass knock-off bullshit shots it consisted of. I could easily identify scenes stolen from the films of John Woo, Sam Raimi, Terry Gilliam, Stanley Kubrick, Kurosawa; and at least two Salvador Dali paintings. Although one might suggest that Gilliam also copied Dali, making him redundant in that list. But that's neither here nor there. And seriously - the boat in the desert scenes? - sooo The Adventures of Baron Munchausen.

Ok, so, here's some of my favorite shots from recent road-trip cheap motel action:








On a musical note, I think I have a drummer fetish. In fact, being in a Dave Grohl /Meg White sandwich is my current shower fantasy. I've also been listening to a lot of old Max Roach. Weird.
Ok - that goddamn new Kid Rock song makes me wanna climb a pole. I seriously believe that at this point, he is making music just for chicks to strip to. Because that's what it sounds like to me. A stripper soundtrack. When it comes on the radio, I immediately picture lucite platform heels and neon - and my nose picks up that particular combination of Love's Baby Soft, vanilla lip gloss, and diaper wipes. Mmmmmm, smells cheap!
Did you know that "stripper" in French is "femme se déshabillant"? Sounds way better, huh?

Here we have a little pic of Senor enjoying baby-jesus' birthday:



Yes, I did in fact dress my dog in a christmas scarf and give him a rawhide candy cane. And yes, that is probably a sign of an as-yet-undiagnosed metal illness. Although a secondary one to be sure - not, as they say, my "chief complaint".

Wow. Are you really still reading this? Ok - I'm just gonna keep rambling then.

Regarding the current state of mma fighting - I now like watching WEC better than UFC - what happened? Urijah Faber, that's what. What a badass little hunk of man-meat that is. Not to mention that UFC78 & 79 both pretty much sucked with, like, two good fights each. I am not paying $40 for that upcoming BJ Penn bullshit either. Yeah, that's right, I said it. What now?

You know what really sucks about waxing your cha-cha? Waiting for the hair to grow in long enough to do it. Hate that. Getting into naked gynecological yoga poses while someone pulls out your pubes using hot wax kinda sucks too. But not as much as the grow-in phase. I swear. Drives me nuts.

Ok - go on now. I've bored you enough. Go on. Get!

Pity, Party of One, Part II - god, I love alliteration....

OK - I'm over it - so fucking what, right? In the big scheme of things it's just a damn day. So I wish someone invited me over for turkey....but that didn't happen....whatever. You know what I'm going to hear all week? "Oh, I thought you were going over to so-and-so's...."

And I'm pissed I didn't hear from my bitch mother - not even a card! Why on earth do we want to hear from our parents even when they make us nuts?? Whatever.

So...yeah. I'm good. Yes, I am at home drinking all by myself and it's barely past noon - so what? Bite me if you've got a problem with that. And if you're in the neighborhood, please bring me some turkey and dressing....and cranberry sauce.....and pumpkin pie. Ok. Thanks.

And watch out 2008 - I'm comin' out swinging!

Pity, Party of One:

This is the first xmas eve/xmas I've ever spent all by myself. I'm not handling it well. Is this pathetically tragic, or tragically pathetic? I'm not sure yet.......

I got one, count 'em one, present. Seriously? ONE? Who's a girl gotta blow to get.........nevermind.


I went to this crazy hair salon xmas party/prom thing Saturday night. It was super fly. This is my favorite picture from the evening - may I present the WHITE ZINFANDEL FOUNTAIN! I shit you not.



Please remember these wise words as we enter 2008 -
Never trust a big butt and a smile.

Yo yo yo - and Ho Ho Ho as well....
Life is bananas now - and not in especially good ways! However, 2008 is right around the corner and HAS to be better. Right? I'm counting on it.
In the meantime, I leave you with some truly amazing & fantastic Xmas light vids of my ex husband's house in Atlanta - (he's the nice ex not the mean one so it's ok to like - uber geek in case you couldn't tell!) - if you live in the ATL it is on Monroe near 10th - enjoy!

Ho Ho Ho! And you can take that any way you want to!
I'm heading to Atlanta tomorrow for some holiday festivities...here's where I'll be Friday night:




It has taken me a couple weeks to come up with an outfit - I mean what does one wear to a Christams fetish party?? But I think it's pretty damn cute - I'll post pics when I return. Talk to y'all next week!

So - I saw my shrink today. I have seen him every month since I moved here, about 2 1/2 yrs. And every visit lasts about 6.5 minutes and goes EXACTLY like this - every time - I swear - without deviation:
*** he has a very strong accent - I believe he is Filipino - and this whole conversation is much, much funnier in his voice***

him: Get on the scale please........So, you weigh more or less? (as compared to the previous month)

me: about the same I think

him: *rustles papers* Yes, yes - about the same. You are still underweight on my chart but I don't worry about that. I worry if you overweight because that can lead to health problems like diabetes.

me: mmmhhmm

him: So, how you doing?

me: Great! (this has been my answer since about 1 month after my ex and I split - coincidence? I think not.)

him: Any alcohol or drugs?

me: nope (LIE!)

him: Weakness or tremors?

me: nope

him: Headaches, dizziness?

me: nope

him: Constipation?

me: nope

him: Diarrhea?

me: nope

him: Bedwetting?

me: nope (I don't think he means squirting so I don't count that!)

him: Mood swings? Anger outbursts?

me: nope

him: Appetite good?

me: yep

him: Hearing things? Seeing things? Think people are against you?

me: nope

him: Do you respect authority and do what someone tells you to?

me: yes (LIE!)

him: Finish what you start? Concentration good?

me: yes (LIE!)

him: What is next holiday?

me: Christmas! (today's answer. sometimes I do not answer this question correctly - when I missed MLK Day he asked me if I didn't like black people - !!!!!!)

him: What is today?

me: Nov 29 (I sometimes get this one wrong as well.)

him: Ok. Anything elllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllse? (he really drags out the "else" here)

me: nope

him: Ok - here are your scrips - see you next month.


And BOOM - I'm 6.5 minutes older, $80 poorer , and still crazy.

For the person who has everything?
Allow me to present the chocolate butt plug Santa:




Why? Really...why?

Helllllloooooo there! I'm heading to New Orleans tomorrow to hang with a friend for a couple days...now that I am single I have no holiday family dinner to deal with! Yay me! J wants to eat at Commander's Palace on t-day which I actually love because it is so old school. Lots of silver foxes in nice suits and shoes, and their bartenders make some killer cocktails.
Last time I was in NO, J and I had brunch reservations at Commander's on Sunday....when we arrived we were completely wasted from the night before, as we had started the party at 7:30 Saturday night and had not stopped. No sleeping and continuous drinking 'cause that's what you do in New Orleans - yay for serving alcohol 24/7! When we stumbled up to the host stand, in the midst of a very crowded foyer, I announced to the host that our reservations were under the name "Dr. and Mrs. John Holms". I found it hilarious, and after almost looking it up under that name, he got it. Luckily the staff thought we were funny and continued feeding us liquor drinks - We'll see if I can manage to get us kicked out this time! As I recall I also started a loud conversation about rim jobs when they sat some uptight looking ladies next to our table....ah, good times.
So, yeah - That was my all-time continuous party record - 23 hours straight - without the aid of chemical stimulants. You know, excluding all the nights on coke, acid, ex, meth, ritalin or adderal. Ahem. Damn, my past has a lot of chemicals in it....

So - Happy Thanksgiving y'all!!!!!

So I shaved my legs and changed my sheets for nothing. I thought there was a slight chance of getting lucky last night but no dice.
My friend R was coming over to hang, eat, movie, cocktail, whatev - right? Then, at the end of the day, she gets a call from a friend whose son has been sick, and yesterday they found a tumor, and yadda yadda yadda - No coming over. I know - I yaddda yadda-ed an eight-year old's tumor. If I believed in hell I'd be worried about how they were furnishing my room right about now.
Anyway, this whole thing is very odd because I was doing the leg-shaving and sheet-changing on spec. Because I am so not sure if she is flirting with me. She's currently in a long term relationship with a guy. But has slept with women. She knows I'm bisexual, and she knows I think she's really hot…And, she has kissed me a couple times. Albeit, drunkenly. And you just don't fucking know when a straight girl makes out with you because they looooooooooooove to do that shit when they're drunk, but, you know, that's it - they'd never fuckin' go near your pussy.
She has also started talking to me A LOT about how unsatisfying her sex life is. Yesterday for example, she told me that her BF only fucked her once on their vacation last week. And that he complains about her "loud noises and breathing". I'm like - bring that shit over here bitch! You can be as loud as you wanna be! Geeze. I have no fucking idea.

Oh well - I'll figure it out before I move away from here, that's for sure!