Writing is therapy for me. The whole situation with J had me feeling pretty emo for a little while, and after that I found myself incredibly pissed off. There was a lot of bullshit in our 2 hour conversation Thanksgiving night. Some of it I called her out on then, but some other things I didn't realize until later when I had calmed down and thought about it.
So today I just needed to write...To get everything that's been building up inside of me for the past few days off of my chest. Once I started, I'm not sure what happened...The next thing I knew I had a 9 1/2 page hand written letter to her (ends up being about 4 pages typed).
Normally it would be enough for me to just write everything down or put it up in a blog. But this time it doesn't feel like enough. This time I may actually send that letter off. Here it is if anyone is interested...
-----------------------------------------------
Dear J,
I don’t even know where to begin with this letter. I guess there are just a few things that I feel like I need to say and get off my chest.
It’s strange. I thought I would have been a lot more broken up about this whole situation. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that my feelings for you aren’t as strong as I said they were because believe me, at least for me, this whole thing sucks and it hurts a hell of a lot. But our conversation on Thanksgiving night wasn’t as devastating as I thought it would be. Maybe it’s because so many things in my life are finally headed in the right direction…There’s a pain in my chest that I can’t ignore, but it’s not eating away at my soul like I thought it would. When I look back at that night, I guess with the way things were headed and how you’ve been acting it just wasn’t really all that surprising. I didn’t realize it, but I think I had been preparing myself for that talk for a little while.
It’s funny…I had a dream about us earlier that week. It was right before I woke up one morning, and I actually wrote it down. I put it out of my mind afterwards but seeing how things played out, maybe I should have paid more attention to it. I’d like to share it with you because I think it does a pretty good job of summing up everything that I’ve been feeling. It’s a little rough around the edges, so just bear with me –
We were sitting on the beach. You were sitting with your legs crossed and I was leaning back on my hands with my legs stretched out before me, staring at you. You glance at me.
"Why are you looking at me?" you ask.
"Because you're beautiful." I say in response.
"No I'm not."
"Really? You're going to make me pull out the romance novel crap here and now? Fine, let me try to paint you a picture of what I see." I say as I sit up straight. I move closer to you, putting my hand on your nearest shoulder.
"Take a look around us. Look at the beach. Look at the setting sun," I move my hand to your far shoulder, my arm now around you as I point towards the horizon. "Look at the colors of the sunset. The once clear blue sky set afire...Streaks of orange and red staining the heavens. Look at how the drowsy sun casts the world in this soft golden light. These few moments in this golden world are the sun's most precious gift...For this is the light of a dream world. No matter where you are or what you're doing, if you're caught in these warm, delicate rays of golden light, the world seems perfect.
And in this perfect world there is a woman. And next to this woman sits a man. And despite the immense beauty of the world around him, the only thing that he can look at...That he wants to look at...Is this woman. Our young man had already thought that this woman was beautiful, but set now with a sky set on fire as a backdrop and bathed in this golden light, she simply takes his breath away."
I lean closer to you and start to whisper.
"And our young man would love nothing more than to be able to close the distance of the few inches that separate them and wrap her up in his arms...Kissing her with every ounce of passion he could muster. But truth be told, her beauty terrifies him, and given their situation, he knows to act on this impulse would be wrong.
But, being driven to insanity by these emotions, this man may yet be bold enough to plant the smallest of kisses on her neck."
I lean in even closer, brushing your hair back with my fingertips and kiss your neck. I draw back. We're looking into each other's eyes as the sun sets and the night sky creeps over the world.
"And as the last rays of golden light recede beneath the cover of the horizon, this young man of ours realizes that these moments were nothing more than a passing dream. But for a moment...The world was perfect."
As I finish my story a sad smile slowly spreads across my lips. I break eye contact with you and stare off into the distance...Looking back on what had just occurred as if it were some long forgotten memory.
When I’m with you, when I see you, and, for the most part, when I talk to you it feels like I’m in that dream world where everything is caught in that golden light. My world feels perfect. But whenever our talks would turn serious, whenever you shot me down, and when I was all alone and those doubts started to creep into my mind, it was like that night sky was creeping over the world. It was then that I realized that everything I had been hoping for and wanting was just a passing dream…An illusion. My hopes were nothing more than smoke and when I tried to close my hands around them they simply escaped through the cracks between my fingers.
I’ve crushed on a lot of girls in my life. Some were my friends, some I hardly knew, some I had a shot with, some were way out of my league, some were among the nicest people I’ve ever met, and some wouldn’t even give me the time of day. But I’ve never fallen as hard for a girl in my life as I did with you. You’re the first girl that’s ever made me think that I’m the one that’s not good enough. You’re the first girl I’ve ever shed a tear over. Maybe it was silly and maybe it was stupid…You even said yourself that I hardly even know you. But I know how you make me feel, and that’s the most important thing.
I’ve wanted to get to know you better. I know I was a bit hesitant at first, but I’ve been trying to make an effort to hang out with you and find out more about you. I’ve tried to get you to go to the movies, to come over and hang out, to go grab a bite to eat, to go for coffee or hot chocolate, and to an art gallery. But things just never seemed to work out. I’ve even tried to leave up to you and have told you to hit me up if you feel like hanging out, only to never hear back from you. Maybe it was all just too late. Maybe by then you had already decided on how you felt about me. But I’ve tried.
You said we share little in common, but how can you know when we honestly know so little about each other? I mean really, what do we know about each other? That I play video games and you pretty much don’t? That I like sports and you don’t? That you drink and I don’t very often? Some other random details we chose to share with the world in our okcupid profiles? Is there much more after that?
Just the same way that I don’t know you, you don’t know me. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve let down a lot of my walls and you’ve seen a lot more of the real me than most people ever have, but you don’t know everything about me. You don’t know the person I was. You don’t know everything about the person I am. And you don’t know the person I am working towards becoming. The Weston you know is a keyboard and a few pixels. The Weston you’ve met is shy and awkward because he likes you and the strength of these feelings scares him, and he doesn’t know how to act because he’s trying to be a friend, but wants to be so much more. There’s a hell of a lot more to me than just that.
I’m sorry you didn’t feel a spark between us right away. But not every relationship starts off that way…Some you need to work at and nurture. Some take time to build up. So when I look back on things it doesn’t surprise me that you never felt anything for me. I mean, we’ve gotten together what, all of like three times? So, the instantaneous spark wasn’t there, nothing I can do about that. But there’s never been any room for anything else to grow or take hold. We’ve never been on a date, you don’t let me treat you to anything, and I’ve never been able to be anything more than just a friend because that’s what you wanted.
That’s a big reason why I’ve been so straightforward about how I feel about you when we talk. Because it’s pretty much the only time I felt like I could try to act as more than just a friend. When we were at Disneyland you have no idea how badly I wanted to just reach out and hold your hand. Or how on some of those rides or when we were riding back to the parking garage how badly I wanted to put my arm around you and pull you close. But no matter how badly I wanted to do those things, I resisted those impulses because you told me that you weren’t ready for anything. I held back because I didn’t want to do anything that would put you in an uncomfortable situation. You tell me one thing so I respect it and act accordingly…Now a month later I find out that those moments were a deciding factor in things? You tell me you aren’t ready for a relationship and want to act as friends, so I play that role and come to find out it’s working against everything I was hoping for. I mean honestly, what the hell am I suppose to do here?
I’m sorry that I’m not what you’re looking for. But the problem with going out and looking for something is that a lot of times you miss some really great things along the way. I always see you talking about being lonely and hoping that one day you’ll find a guy that will love you. So while I may not be the super outgoing or outspoken guy that you’re looking for, growing into someone that will love you, yea I can do that. Adoring you, treating you right and like you’re the most precious thing on the planet, doing anything and everything to make a relationship work, being romantic and cheesy…Those I can do. That’s the kind of guy I am. That’s who I am.
I’m never going to be an incredibly outspoken or outgoing guy. I’m just not. But I’m not some recluse who shuts himself off to the world. I like going out and having fun, experiencing new things, and seeing the world. Yes, I’m shy, especially around new people or in new environments, but I’m not antisocial. I’ve been dragged through hell because of my health. My body feels like a shell of what it once was. But because of some of the changes I’ve made in my life, every day I’m feeling stronger and stronger. I’m able to get out of the house more and more often…Basically, for the first time in a long time I’m in a position to start living again, rather than just simply going through the motions of my life. You say you want to be opened up to new experiences? To try new things? To meet new people? Well so do I. My life has basically been put on hold for the last seven years, there’s a lot I missed out on and a lot that I need to catch up on. Those are things we could have done and grown together with.
I may not be what you’re looking for right now. I may not be your perfect match. But I really do think that we would have been good for each other. I know I may not have shown it all the time, but that trip to Disneyland…Getting to spend that time with you, was one of the happiest days I’ve had in a while, even if I was restraining myself and acting as just a friend. Even though I’m hurting something awful at the moment, you make me happy, and you should know that.
I’ve never loved a girl before. Despite knowing that you’ve never seen me as more than a friend, and despite not even knowing you all that well, these feelings I have for you are the closest I’ve ever been to that word. I just wish things were different.
With most girls I wouldn’t even bother with something like this…But you’re different. I feel like I can talk to you. I feel like I want to talk to you. I don’t even know what I expect from this letter. Maybe I just want you to have a better understanding about how I feel about things and how I feel about you. Maybe I want another shot with you…A real shot this time. Or maybe I’m just looking for some sense of closure. I’m not really sure…All I know is that I like you a hell of a lot and felt like I had to write something.
-Weston
Current Mood: Slowly Improving
Currently Listening To: Jack Johnson
Currently Watching: Degrassi TNG
Currently Playing: Counter-Strike: Source, World of Warcraft
Currently Reading: The Picture of Dorian Gray by Oscar Wilde
Sites:
So today I just needed to write...To get everything that's been building up inside of me for the past few days off of my chest. Once I started, I'm not sure what happened...The next thing I knew I had a 9 1/2 page hand written letter to her (ends up being about 4 pages typed).
Normally it would be enough for me to just write everything down or put it up in a blog. But this time it doesn't feel like enough. This time I may actually send that letter off. Here it is if anyone is interested...
-----------------------------------------------
Dear J,
I don’t even know where to begin with this letter. I guess there are just a few things that I feel like I need to say and get off my chest.
It’s strange. I thought I would have been a lot more broken up about this whole situation. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that my feelings for you aren’t as strong as I said they were because believe me, at least for me, this whole thing sucks and it hurts a hell of a lot. But our conversation on Thanksgiving night wasn’t as devastating as I thought it would be. Maybe it’s because so many things in my life are finally headed in the right direction…There’s a pain in my chest that I can’t ignore, but it’s not eating away at my soul like I thought it would. When I look back at that night, I guess with the way things were headed and how you’ve been acting it just wasn’t really all that surprising. I didn’t realize it, but I think I had been preparing myself for that talk for a little while.
It’s funny…I had a dream about us earlier that week. It was right before I woke up one morning, and I actually wrote it down. I put it out of my mind afterwards but seeing how things played out, maybe I should have paid more attention to it. I’d like to share it with you because I think it does a pretty good job of summing up everything that I’ve been feeling. It’s a little rough around the edges, so just bear with me –
We were sitting on the beach. You were sitting with your legs crossed and I was leaning back on my hands with my legs stretched out before me, staring at you. You glance at me.
"Why are you looking at me?" you ask.
"Because you're beautiful." I say in response.
"No I'm not."
"Really? You're going to make me pull out the romance novel crap here and now? Fine, let me try to paint you a picture of what I see." I say as I sit up straight. I move closer to you, putting my hand on your nearest shoulder.
"Take a look around us. Look at the beach. Look at the setting sun," I move my hand to your far shoulder, my arm now around you as I point towards the horizon. "Look at the colors of the sunset. The once clear blue sky set afire...Streaks of orange and red staining the heavens. Look at how the drowsy sun casts the world in this soft golden light. These few moments in this golden world are the sun's most precious gift...For this is the light of a dream world. No matter where you are or what you're doing, if you're caught in these warm, delicate rays of golden light, the world seems perfect.
And in this perfect world there is a woman. And next to this woman sits a man. And despite the immense beauty of the world around him, the only thing that he can look at...That he wants to look at...Is this woman. Our young man had already thought that this woman was beautiful, but set now with a sky set on fire as a backdrop and bathed in this golden light, she simply takes his breath away."
I lean closer to you and start to whisper.
"And our young man would love nothing more than to be able to close the distance of the few inches that separate them and wrap her up in his arms...Kissing her with every ounce of passion he could muster. But truth be told, her beauty terrifies him, and given their situation, he knows to act on this impulse would be wrong.
But, being driven to insanity by these emotions, this man may yet be bold enough to plant the smallest of kisses on her neck."
I lean in even closer, brushing your hair back with my fingertips and kiss your neck. I draw back. We're looking into each other's eyes as the sun sets and the night sky creeps over the world.
"And as the last rays of golden light recede beneath the cover of the horizon, this young man of ours realizes that these moments were nothing more than a passing dream. But for a moment...The world was perfect."
As I finish my story a sad smile slowly spreads across my lips. I break eye contact with you and stare off into the distance...Looking back on what had just occurred as if it were some long forgotten memory.
When I’m with you, when I see you, and, for the most part, when I talk to you it feels like I’m in that dream world where everything is caught in that golden light. My world feels perfect. But whenever our talks would turn serious, whenever you shot me down, and when I was all alone and those doubts started to creep into my mind, it was like that night sky was creeping over the world. It was then that I realized that everything I had been hoping for and wanting was just a passing dream…An illusion. My hopes were nothing more than smoke and when I tried to close my hands around them they simply escaped through the cracks between my fingers.
I’ve crushed on a lot of girls in my life. Some were my friends, some I hardly knew, some I had a shot with, some were way out of my league, some were among the nicest people I’ve ever met, and some wouldn’t even give me the time of day. But I’ve never fallen as hard for a girl in my life as I did with you. You’re the first girl that’s ever made me think that I’m the one that’s not good enough. You’re the first girl I’ve ever shed a tear over. Maybe it was silly and maybe it was stupid…You even said yourself that I hardly even know you. But I know how you make me feel, and that’s the most important thing.
I’ve wanted to get to know you better. I know I was a bit hesitant at first, but I’ve been trying to make an effort to hang out with you and find out more about you. I’ve tried to get you to go to the movies, to come over and hang out, to go grab a bite to eat, to go for coffee or hot chocolate, and to an art gallery. But things just never seemed to work out. I’ve even tried to leave up to you and have told you to hit me up if you feel like hanging out, only to never hear back from you. Maybe it was all just too late. Maybe by then you had already decided on how you felt about me. But I’ve tried.
You said we share little in common, but how can you know when we honestly know so little about each other? I mean really, what do we know about each other? That I play video games and you pretty much don’t? That I like sports and you don’t? That you drink and I don’t very often? Some other random details we chose to share with the world in our okcupid profiles? Is there much more after that?
Just the same way that I don’t know you, you don’t know me. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve let down a lot of my walls and you’ve seen a lot more of the real me than most people ever have, but you don’t know everything about me. You don’t know the person I was. You don’t know everything about the person I am. And you don’t know the person I am working towards becoming. The Weston you know is a keyboard and a few pixels. The Weston you’ve met is shy and awkward because he likes you and the strength of these feelings scares him, and he doesn’t know how to act because he’s trying to be a friend, but wants to be so much more. There’s a hell of a lot more to me than just that.
I’m sorry you didn’t feel a spark between us right away. But not every relationship starts off that way…Some you need to work at and nurture. Some take time to build up. So when I look back on things it doesn’t surprise me that you never felt anything for me. I mean, we’ve gotten together what, all of like three times? So, the instantaneous spark wasn’t there, nothing I can do about that. But there’s never been any room for anything else to grow or take hold. We’ve never been on a date, you don’t let me treat you to anything, and I’ve never been able to be anything more than just a friend because that’s what you wanted.
That’s a big reason why I’ve been so straightforward about how I feel about you when we talk. Because it’s pretty much the only time I felt like I could try to act as more than just a friend. When we were at Disneyland you have no idea how badly I wanted to just reach out and hold your hand. Or how on some of those rides or when we were riding back to the parking garage how badly I wanted to put my arm around you and pull you close. But no matter how badly I wanted to do those things, I resisted those impulses because you told me that you weren’t ready for anything. I held back because I didn’t want to do anything that would put you in an uncomfortable situation. You tell me one thing so I respect it and act accordingly…Now a month later I find out that those moments were a deciding factor in things? You tell me you aren’t ready for a relationship and want to act as friends, so I play that role and come to find out it’s working against everything I was hoping for. I mean honestly, what the hell am I suppose to do here?
I’m sorry that I’m not what you’re looking for. But the problem with going out and looking for something is that a lot of times you miss some really great things along the way. I always see you talking about being lonely and hoping that one day you’ll find a guy that will love you. So while I may not be the super outgoing or outspoken guy that you’re looking for, growing into someone that will love you, yea I can do that. Adoring you, treating you right and like you’re the most precious thing on the planet, doing anything and everything to make a relationship work, being romantic and cheesy…Those I can do. That’s the kind of guy I am. That’s who I am.
I’m never going to be an incredibly outspoken or outgoing guy. I’m just not. But I’m not some recluse who shuts himself off to the world. I like going out and having fun, experiencing new things, and seeing the world. Yes, I’m shy, especially around new people or in new environments, but I’m not antisocial. I’ve been dragged through hell because of my health. My body feels like a shell of what it once was. But because of some of the changes I’ve made in my life, every day I’m feeling stronger and stronger. I’m able to get out of the house more and more often…Basically, for the first time in a long time I’m in a position to start living again, rather than just simply going through the motions of my life. You say you want to be opened up to new experiences? To try new things? To meet new people? Well so do I. My life has basically been put on hold for the last seven years, there’s a lot I missed out on and a lot that I need to catch up on. Those are things we could have done and grown together with.
I may not be what you’re looking for right now. I may not be your perfect match. But I really do think that we would have been good for each other. I know I may not have shown it all the time, but that trip to Disneyland…Getting to spend that time with you, was one of the happiest days I’ve had in a while, even if I was restraining myself and acting as just a friend. Even though I’m hurting something awful at the moment, you make me happy, and you should know that.
I’ve never loved a girl before. Despite knowing that you’ve never seen me as more than a friend, and despite not even knowing you all that well, these feelings I have for you are the closest I’ve ever been to that word. I just wish things were different.
With most girls I wouldn’t even bother with something like this…But you’re different. I feel like I can talk to you. I feel like I want to talk to you. I don’t even know what I expect from this letter. Maybe I just want you to have a better understanding about how I feel about things and how I feel about you. Maybe I want another shot with you…A real shot this time. Or maybe I’m just looking for some sense of closure. I’m not really sure…All I know is that I like you a hell of a lot and felt like I had to write something.
-Weston
Current Mood: Slowly Improving
Currently Listening To: Jack Johnson
Currently Watching: Degrassi TNG
Currently Playing: Counter-Strike: Source, World of Warcraft
Currently Reading: The Picture of Dorian Gray by Oscar Wilde
Sites:
