Whoa, 24 crept up on me FAST. Thanks for the happy birthday emails

I finally had my first day at MY store as the manager today; I've been training at other stores the past 3 weeks. I leave for management meetings in Oakland next week. Life is insanity when ya think about it!

My on and off ex of the last 2 1/2 years who I cut from my life for the last 6 months and I got together right before I started my new job just to catch up. It turned into us talking about how, aside from the way we were, I just missed him in my life in general, as a friend. When you are with someone for so long, you like to know they are alright. I love the guy to death and I'm happy we can embark on a friendship with each other. Or I guess at least attempt to

I also escaped to Seattle for 32 hours the weekend before my birthday. My mother and sister were vacationing there and my sister and I teamed up to surprise my mom. She was VERY surprised when I knocked on her hotel room door. Her face was worth the trip.

Picture Overload:









My roomies:



My new pup, Penny Lane:







Birthday:







Shoots:















I also shot a new set so I will let you know on the status of that as soon as I can. I hope everyone is well!!!

xoxo

Thanks everyone for the thoughts and well wishes. Justin has been clean for about 2 weeks and is slowly realizing the repercussions of his actions. Obviously still walking on egg shells and taking everything with a grain of salt but so far, it's positive. Like I said, my family and friends are my life; this is what had to happen.

On another note, awesome update: I have officially relocated to North Hollywood! I also got a new job as a store manager thats super close by and, to top it all off, I get a puppy in a few weeks. I'm REALLY nervous about the new position; I'm officially salary and no longer hourly and it's scary to leave a company after a year and a half. I start on Tuesday.

Sorry to keep this short but sweet but we don't have internet yet in the new apartment, so I'm connected via my phone and I'm presently watching my roommate attempt to dance, in bed, hungover to Britney Spears. My life is amazing sometimes. Will have a more proper update in the immediate future



xoxo V

Have you ever felt like an asshole for standing up for what's right, and good, and true? For sticking to your guns and saying "you know what, I love you but this is not ok?"

My last 24 hours have gone as follows:

7:45pm: Arrive at Josh's birthday dinner with my roommates Kimber and Brittany. We are exhausted after a long day but about 15 minutes into the dinner, the 3 of us realize Justin is not in attendance. Red flags go up.

8:25pm: I decide I need to go to bed, ASAP, because I have a meeting at 7am and I got 3 hours of sleep the night before. Since I drove Kimber and Brittany, they accompany me. B texts Justin to check out where he is exactly because earlier, he had mentioned to me he had been "partying for 5 days straight and had not eaten since Friday". I have reason to worry

8:45pm: Justin texts Brittany saying "he has done bad things". I find out who he is in present company with and realize the individual is a known drug addict. I ask Brittany to ask Justin point blank if he has done heroin. 4 minutes later, Justin replies with "I have been doing bad things and want to die". 1 minute later, he follows up with "yes." I immediately demand an address to where he is. He gives it to us and we abandon all other plans for the night

9:00pm: I pull up in front of the apartment. The 3 of us walk in to find Justin, on the balcony, smoking a cigarette. He is wearing a tank top, shorts, no shoes and it is clear that he has not showered in days. We attempt to act casual but it is obvious he is wrecked. Within minutes of our arrival, he begins to vomit profusely. The girl whose home we are at tells him he can stay and that "there's another line on the table" if he wants it. "You know, to sober up," she says. I stare her down and Kimber tells her to go to hell. The guy who is staying there tries to convince Brittany of the same thing. I look at Justin and say "we are leaving. NOW"

9:15pm: Kimber takes my car and drives to our new apartment that we had gotten the keys to 5 hours before. She confirms the electricity is not yet turned on but we say "screw it" and decide to force Justin there for the night.

9:30pm: Kimber drives to Ralphs to buy candles and toilet paper. Brittany and I drive to pickup blankets and return to the apartment to wait for Kimber. While in the car, I ask Justin what he is on. He reveals that, within 24 hours, he has had 30 hits of heroin, 2 grams of blow, 6 strips of mali, a handle of vodka and various prescription pills. He has not had anything since 2pm. Brittany begins to sob and I start to yell at him to look at the woman he loves and what he is doing to her. Justin refuses to look Brittany in the eye and cries for a bit. He mentions Lauren several times, to which both Brittany and I respond that, we are dealing with the same thing, but the difference is we have turned to each other, not drugs.

10:00pm: We enter our apartment and light candles. Justin asks us to let him have his truck so he can go see his dealer. I hide the keys. The four of us start to talk about how it got to this point and we force Justin to drink water.

11:00pm: I leave to get Taco Bell so he can eat something. When I return, he begs for alcohol, which I deny. He tells us he was trying to OD because he does not want to live.

12:45am: I fall asleep. We agree to have us all take shifts watching him.

4:00am: I wake up to Justin, sobbing, in Brittany's lap, pleading with us for a hit. He contacts a dealer and asks him to trade a cigarette for heroin. I take his phone and turn it off, telling him I will not take him anywhere and that he will NEVER see that guy again. He begins the major come down off his high.

5:30am: I make sure Brittany is awake to be with Justin and leave for work. I somehow make it through my meeting, then proceed to call my mother, Lauren's mother, and every single one of our friends to let them know what is going on. All express shock; I admit I may have been in denial at the severity of the situation. I accept that Justin may be upset with us all but acknowledge that I would rather everyone know than have to explain in a week why he is dead

He has been with us throughout the day; we are talking with him tonight about having him fly to the East Coast for detox and/or enter a rehab, as suggested by Laurens mother. I knew he was bad and upset (his best guyfriend, Brian, died in April of 2010; his best girlfriend was Lauren) but I guess I didn't realize it was this insane. Heroin?! Cocaine?! I have been on tour with this man, I have known him for YEARS. This sudden spiral into oblivion began about a month after Lauren died and I feel like I have been helplessly watching from the sidelines.

I couldn't save Lauren, and 3 years ago, I couldn't save Tim. I will NOT let Justin do this to himself. No. This is the part where I put my foot down and we all come together. If it doesn't work, than at least they can't say we didn't go down fighting.

Rally the troops, this is war. My friends are my family and I will fight for them.

One thing the last 24 hours have taught me is, if you get that feeling that something is off, it probably is. Better to say something and be wrong than lose someone you love because you never opened your mouth.

xoxo V

I'm alive!! And you know what, through it all, I'm gonna be o-fucking-k.

I don't want to sit here and lie and say "No, I haven't had a drink, I've lived up to what I wanted" because that's bullshit. I have had a drink. In fact, I've had quite a few since that last post. However, I am happy to say it has not been anything excessive and I'm slowly getting to where and who I want to be.

I had another shoot about 2 weeks ago and needless to say it went, uh, entertaining. It was in the backroads of Griffith Park and we hiked about a mile in. The shoot was going great until I decided to fall out of a tree. I'm almost proud:









Fortunately, my photographer is also a paramedic. It may not look like much but it was fucking insane. Blood everywhere, literally scratched my inner thighs right up into my, ahem. Don't regret it though, had a great time.

Picture overload:















Was Lauren's birthday on the 21. We placed flowers at the intersection in front of The Roxy:



Lastly, my new set got pushed up to TOMORROW now, the 31st, at 3pm:





Hope you all are doing great!! I have the weekend off so I will be looking for apartments (STILL!!) in NoHo mainly. Oh, and also maybe a job out that way Hopefully it goes good!!! What are your plans for this weekend?

Ciao!

-V

PS $5 to the person who can find the trick reverse photo in my new set when it comes out

PPS

It's over.

When the D.A. called my name to speak, I stood up and walked over in front of the judge, shaking uncontrollably. I thought I could make it through what I wrote but by the last half, I was crying and my voice was cracking. The man responsible for this sat 6 feet to my right with his lawyer.

It was, in all honesty, the hardest and most emotional thing I have EVER had to do in my entire life.

When Mr. and Mrs. Freeman got up to speak, I lost it. The things they said...I have never cried so hard. Mrs. Freeman collapsed at the end. Her daughter is gone.

Lauren is gone. How is this real? How is this happening?

This is my victim's impact statement:

I don't know why but, 4 months after losing her, I suddenly feel it's effects. I THOUGHT I had accepted this; I was a damn fool. I've been pretending this isn't real and pouring my energy into this fight, knowing she would do the same for any of us. Now that it's over, I wake up confused and disoriented. HOW IS THIS REAL LIFE?!

For those with additional questions, you can read about our living hell HERE.

364 days. Less than a year for a life.

I realized since all this happened in November, I've been attempting to handle it in ways out of character for me, one more so in particular: drinking.

Before November, I hadn't had anything to drink in nearly 8 years. Since then, it's been every weekend. I'm sick and I shouldn't be drinking AT ALL but thats how I have been numbing myself. I realized today that losing Lauren and then splitting officially with my on and off ex of 2 years (who I thought I would marry) has just caused me to become something I don't like.

That being said, today marks Day 1 of complete sobriety. No more. This is not me and this is not who I want to be.

I will make it through this. I will make it through this. I will make it through this.



"Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened."

-V

Last Friday's court date was brief but poignant. The man was 30 feet away from us at all times and seeing him in person was un-freakin'-real. We have another date on the 11 which WILL be the official last court date. Thanks for all the thoughts. This nightmare will soon be over for us all.

After the court date, we all went back to the Hilton for lunch with Lauren's family. I went back to my hotel room after and took a nap, and from there, details are a bit blurry to me. I know I woke up and went to shower but during the shower, I collapsed. I managed to change into pajamas and my friends from out of town pulled me back into bed. Around 11, my temperature was recorded at 103 and a family nurse was called up. I was given a fever reducer and woken up throughout the night to regulate my breathing. I woke up Saturday having NO idea what had occurred. It was surreal and scary.

I finally went to Urgent Care Monday: I have walking pneumonia. Leave it to me to try and function without receiving help. It's a trait I get from my mother: my friends said they wanted to call an ambulance but I kept saying "Let me just sleep, I'll be fine." I always end up ok but in retrospect, I probably should learn to listen and accept help when it's offered.

Lunch at the Hilton with family and friends:


Keeping it classy:


Get together over the weekend:








I am a nerd:


That's it for now. I think once all this court drama is over, I will be more around and active, I have just been pouring every ounce of my energy into this.

Remember, April 1:





xoxo

What do you do when, in your life, you are presented with an opportunity in which the decision you make on the matter can, and will, drastically alter the course of your future? Do you turn down the chance because of the amount of risk involved or do you go out on a limb knowing you are jeopardizing everything for something you want, even if the outcome turns out horribly?

I cannot fuck this up, I cannot hope it will turn out like the movies. This is my life and it's real.

What would YOU do?

April 1 2011, 3:00 am. Shot by Milloux Suicide:




By JC Argetsinger:













The rain reminds me of home:





One week from today, on the 25th, at 9am, I beg everyone to send good thoughts in the direction of the Beverly Hills Courthouse. I wrote my "statement" for the judge and I can only hope this goes well. Lauren deserves this justice.

Love to all. Life comes at you funny sometimes, eh?

-V

I'm alive!


Surgery went well, no complications and I was back on my feet the next day and able to eat properly 2 days after. The only thing is I got a call from my doctor Friday afternoon saying all tests and biopsies came back normal. I'm disappointed because this means I'm back at square one. Obviously something isn't right and I just want to KNOW.

The week before my surgery was an emotional one for me; Lauren's parents were in town. I got to know her mother very well as I literally saw her everyday she was here. The arraignment did not go good (I'm not at liberty to discuss) and the man has a sentencing date on the 25. I just want him to spend some form of time in jail; he KILLED a person. Since when is that ever ok in today's society? It seems that, since he has no previous record, he honestly may not go away. I think we will all be devastated if that occurs.

Still apartment hunting, sort of. I've found like 3 potentials, just waiting to get approved so I can decide which direction I want to go. I either want to be in downtown or its near vicinity OR NoHo, Studio City, Sherman Oaks, etc. area. It just sucks because I truly cant afford alot but I will make this happen! If any of my LA area friends are in the market for a roomie, email me. Not kidding here guys, I have plans to move within 2 weeks and I honestly don't even know where I'm moving to because my job doesn't know what store I will be transferring to. So at this rate, I'm just going to move to where I want to be.

Photoshoot on 1/30/2011 with Lou Noble. Pre SAG Awards:

















Photoshoot on 02/03/2011 with JC Argetsinger. More to follow:







A teaser shot from the upcoming set I did with Milloux that will hopefully be submitted in a week or so:



It's Super Bowl Sunday!! Who are you guys rooting for?! I work overnight but I still get to catch the game Hope to start seeing more of my LA friends (especially Milloux and Ackley) once I am all moved!!

Much Love and a million thanks for all the surgery well wishes,

V

Um.

My life is insanity.

I haven't updated and with good reasons. Everything that has happened over the last 2 weeks has been incredible. Some are small things; others are literally life altering for me.

First off, my chest piece is complete and I have started an arm sleeve, apparently. All courtesy of the ever incredible Mr. SeanHill:





Secondly, I shot a set with Milloux last week and I REALLY REALLY am digging the theme involving it. It's top secret until Milloux is able to get it all ready to submit. I had such a great time with her, I'm really looking forward to not only shooting again ASAP but hanging out in general with that woman! Trust me when I say, she is SOO much sexier in person.

I also got to have a lunch playdate with Ackley this week. I think I may be in love with her. It was nice to have someone to talk to who I feel really gets me, especially right now in my life. She and I are so similar, I'm going to have to check to see if we're related!!! We got to check out the skate park in Venice. Nice relaxed day:



In addition, I got to shoot with the awesome Lou Noble:











So the big things going on in my life:

I'm about to trade suburbia for the city life full-time: I requested a transfer back to the LA Market, official March 1. Commuting back and forth shall be no more!!!

And the biggest news of all...

I have decided, after keeping the desire a secret for over a year now, to go back to school. I have no college under my belt whatsoever, so I need to knock general ed out of the way first. Once that is complete, I will most likely be focusing on English Literature with an emphasis in creative writing and I may also try and minor in journalism, though I do not want to push myself. Since I cannot get the student aid I need until my 24th birthday, which is May 28, I will be attending all online courses starting June 15. If I could get enough funding to quit my management position and be able to live off funding alone, I would, but its not going to happen and I am ok with that. I am beyond nervous, scared and excited all rolled into one. I said I wanted 2011 to be the year of me and that's what I'm truly focusing on: bettering myself as an individual and striving for the goals I wish to achieve


Anytime I think I want to turn back and say forget it, I listen to this song and remember the lyrics. It applies to not just heartbreak, but every aspect of my life:

Before I go, I leave you with this image my friend Adam painted for a class of his:



Crazy right?! I love it!!!

I'm not sure if I can post again before the surgery but I will try!! I hope everyone has an excellent week.

All my love,

V

Hello, TwentyEleven. Nice to make your acquaintance.

I got a new phone number on the 1st. Seems so small to most but I have had the same number for 12 years. It was a big deal to me. I feel like this year is going to be the year of ME...


Starting off 2011, however, has been chaos. I have a cold so the surgery I was supposed to have tomorrow has been rescheduled to the 28th. They cannot perform it with me in such a state as I am now, ie, on the verge of pneumonia. Oh well, just another thing life has thrown at me. I'm remaining as positive as possible.

NYE:







As you can see, I obviously went out. It was a good time, I stayed up all night, remained sober enough to drive everyone around and then drank a bit once we were back in Hollywood for the night. The night was well worth it and I had a complete blast with some great guy friends.

NYD:


(why I look insane, I've not a clue)

I finally started the addition to my chest piece. It's nowhere near complete, as I had to stop because I was so sick. By SeanHill. Can't wait to finish it up

And I woke up to this today:



I owe NVSeaBee a thousand thank you's. Made my bedrest somewhat better!!!


AWESOME news, sometime next week, I believe Milloux and I will be putting together something fun for you guys. I'm super excited to meet her, she's so damn beautiful!! It's bound to be amazing.

Thats it for me for now. I'm watching a ton of films, as I cant really do anything. Any suggestions? I will be getting back to everyone here ASAP.

xoxo

PS twitter