Urgh, phuck it...I really can't quit SG! I've realised that this may well be a toxic and life long addiction (I blame the girls only group...I think I may actually live there sometimes).

Anyway, I'm here to stay, at least until they build an SG rehab and some sort of intravenous SG weaning drug :s



ps. eat your 5 a day!

Don't think I'm going to renew my subscription this time - spending less and less time on here! If anybody wants to keep in touch just pm and we can exchange msn.

I'm currently building a website so any art or new poetry will be found at www.vasilisa-k.com once it's up and running.

xx

Had a shoot with the wonderful Allan Jenkins and here are some of the shots that we got out of it




Also started Shorinji Kempo...largely because it translates as 'Shaolin Temple Fist Law'...it's making my shoulders all achy!

x

So as I've previously mentioned, I'm looking at getting back into a bit of modelling and build my fetish portfolio quite a bit more (any excuse to prance around in a corset!). I've been in contact with quite a few photographers and got some things lined up...one of which is pretty damn strange!!

There was an advert on a castings website for models who wear lots of rings. As a girl who wears 5/6 as standard I applied and was asked to send in as many pics as possible, either with just my hands or me talking on a landline phone with the rings on (the rings, not me, being the main focus of it). This person willl pay £250 for photos used (not every single submission obviously) and the photographer states that he has long since given up trying to guess which get chosen. Without giving every single little detail, this project is getting more and more interesting since I can't really think what the photographs would be used for; given the quality it's not an advert or anything of that sort and the longevity of the project means it can't be a single publication either. I guess it's either a very rich hand fetishist or a series of publications on hands and landline phones with cords. Oh well: enjoy some photos of my hands and phone chat



Otherwise, I'm quite looking forward to the beginning of term - philosophy modules every single term until I finish! And I'm really looking forward to working on some photography and writing projects with a lot of pretty interesting people.

Must go to Amsterdam soon!!!

Back off to uni in a few days - get to see my flatmate and my boyfriend again after a while so I can't wait!

I've decided to go on lithium after A LOT of internal debating and sitting in bed thinking 'I don't wana!' I reached the conclusion that it's better to try it and then decide I don't like it than slowly deteriorate. Haven't cut since November (yay) but the no weed thing kind of fell flat on it's little sober face after my exams finished. That was like 4 months without the stuff.

Also looking to get into some modelling again (mainly fetish/artsy I think) for kicks and to get some extra cash and maybe, I think, to deal a little bit with the fact that I now HATE my body with a burning passion. Objectively I can see that there's nothing hugely wrong with it and overall it's a reasonable body...but seriously, lately I can't actually see anything that right about it. I used to love my breasts and legs which I now dislike, a lot. Everything else, well, I don't really want to go into it but it displeases me. But I am starting ballet and possibly some sort of martial art class this coming term to tone up and give me something else to do too, apart from sit around, read and listen to music etc.

All in all this term looks like it's going to be really fun - Oxford's amazing in summer...just punting, lazing and drinking lots and lots of ice cold cider and cocktails...oh and frantically writing essays!

Everybody please please cross your fingers for me! I just entered into the running for a huge commission in Moscow which would look really amazing on a cv

Oh well, no new updates really...

So I don't have to resit any exams I did worse than I thought I did on some papers and a bit better on others but to be honest I'm not that disappointed (more confused really), as long as I didn't fail any and don't have to resit!

Otherwise, everything is pretty much the same as it always is - at home on holidays in miserable weather but I get to paint lots and lots, sent some poems around to publishers - hopefully somebody will like them!

oh, does anybody understand this new letter sizing thing they have in the UK? I seroiusly don't get it at all...

I know how to control myself. I have exemplary self control. I know how to turn off the parts of me that miss you and try to wake me in the night - I distract them with other miseries, with other thoughts and tell myself that these things wake me and not you. Or maybe blame the headache that my heartache made. I call stress anticipation, and anxiety indigestion. My own brand of euphemism. But what worries me, is that I do this far too often now, and I do it because of you. Last time you pulled away I drowned myself in books and choked on every word. I quietened my troubled breaths with every bad memory you gave me - I told them that these deeds were you. So when you returned I had to rouse myself again; this is how I work you see. When you create distance I make myself thankful. When you pull away I will push. And this has become so customary to me now that I do it as reflex...becuase of that one time, when I pulled away a little...you went to them for comfort. You went to them. And I think I still chastise you for it, when you leave, when you create painful distance. Whenever you are absent for too long I remind myself of this thing you did to me, which wounded deeper than you seem to realise...and the things you did afterwards that made me think that you were not truely sorry...and I do not feel so bad. This is what worries me.

And so the sun shines in my eyes from an angle I can't seen to escape and the aches spread...

Exams this week...

Had a really bizarre dream during my little nap (yes I'm a 20 year old that naps...insomnia will do that to you. Although I'm quite sure that I'm not an insomniac, just noctural and rebelling against the dieturnal lifestyle) that I had my braces in and was in my boyfriend's bathroom staring in the mirror with some nail scissors trying to cut the wires. I seem to have braces more and more in my dreams, I hated those damn things.

Its so funny, the decisions you make. Had I not been surfing porn about a year ago instead of doing work I would never have met my current boyfriend, I wouldn't feel safe, I wouldn't be in love. I wouldn't have this incredible man in my life who now seems to hold the entirety of my happiness and future happiness in the palm in his hand...and there is no way that I would delight so much in somebody else having that sort of power over me. But I do. Now every time I leave him it's like an amputation and a day feels empty if I don't end it lying next to him. I just feel very lucky.

Anyway, enough of the brainfarting...

It was the glimmer that I adored
Once upon a stagnant time
That would promise freedom
And I would submit, only to
That glimmer

Yet now I dread it coldly
Waiting for its return
But pray that it is gone
For good.

For I happly am captive
If you will be my captor.

tired and hurt