Ah i am feeling a tad on the ill side tonight, not too sure why...
The cats being a lunatic tonight, its great! He makes me smile!
Heres some random pictures ...







sigh...

Im a tad drunk, mostly sobered up now though. Boo.
Went out tonight with my family and family friends to this local show the musicians club put on. My brother was involved along with the other members of his band. It was pretty dope. I had 7 vodka and lemonades..it didnt really do shit for the truth. I seem to be able to hold my alcohol just a little too well. Im almost jealous of one of my best mates who gets drunk off about 2 drinks, cheap nights for her.





Ive been thinking back alot to the days when i was sick and in hospital for so long...i hated it..i wanted out so bad,but wanted to be kept in longer, just to prove i was really sick..i never believed i ever was sick enough and still dont.
I dont know when ill truly believe i ever was sick enough, i nearly died..more than once. I was tube fed..my blood pressure and blood sugars were taken on the hour..i nearly passed away on Christmas Eve..i dont remember the night too well...i was there..and well then i wasnt..i woke up and requested icecream..i was shipped half way up the country to receive specialist treatment...i nearly had another heart attack half a year from abusing the crap out of laxatives...how much more is it going to take before i get this..

I feel like i havent succeeded as an anorexic..that i want to fall right back down that path..be thinner..be sicker..god fuck i dont know.

wow, she is insanely beautiful, she actually looks like a doll

Wow, this site and its people never fail to amaze me.To all the people who commented on my last blog,thank you.
Right now i really am struggling with my self esteem, i bought smokes before because i want to smoke instead of eat, i havent smoked for about a month, im feeling stressed..i needed them.
The last few days i have occupied myself by looking at the images of beautiful woman..well...impossibly made up looking people.
So heres some alternative beauties ive been lusting over as of late..




So how about some random facts...

1. What's on your mind?
Alot. Especially how bad this tv program is that is on ..boo.

2. Where is your significant other?
At work.

3. Where is your biological mother right now?
Also at work.

4. Have you ever made out in a basement?
We dont really have basements as such in New Zealand.But no.

5. Do you have any piercings?
Indeed. 1 in each ear,tongue,septum,nipple.belly button.

6. Do you have any tattoos?
Yah ha.

7. Is your driveway steep?
No its gravel and fun to pull the hand break up on.

8. Name four things you did today?
- picked up a prescription
-put on a face mask
-spilt pumpkin soup all down myself
-made a yummy sandwish

9. Have you ever been tied up?
unfortunately not...

10. Last person you texted?
ummmm sophie i think..

11. Have you ever had two dates in one night?
no sir

12. What have you eaten today?
some ceral, a sandwich, popcorn..and pumpkin soup

14. Which shoe do you put on first?
I dont take nay notice for the truth, but now im curious..

16. What is the status of you and the last person you kissed?
Hes my boyfriend

17. Do you get distracted easily?
Often..this surveys boring..

18. What's the last text you received say and who was it from?
some bullshit how its internation hottie day..wtffff

20. Have you ever kissed anyone named Alex?
not that i recall..

24. First time you kissed the last person you kissed?
In a club..it was a dare..i liked that dare

25. What was your childhood nickname?
Bub.

26. What would you change about your life right now?
Id have more of a life...be working, studying..living..partying..being more social.

27. How do you feel about public displays of affection?
It can be cute and it can be mildy disgusting..

28. What's the weirdest thing you have done while driving?
Fired water pistols out the window, filled with red food dye..muaha

29. Have you ever bitten your nails?
Used to as a kid, only do now when they break an di dont have a file.

30. Do you live alone?
No way ..

31. Do you like someone right now?
I like alot of people..

32. Can you keep a secret?
Most of the time, bigf secrets that i swear my life on i definately keep

33. What was the best year of your life?
Probably last year for the truth..lots of people,parties,drinking,studying..good times.

34. Do you have any strange phobias?
Roadworks..im scared im gona misjudge and fall in a whole..

35. Your favorite romantic movie is?
The notebook, or Titanic, they both make me bawl like a bitch.

36. Are you happy with your living arrangement?
Yeapie doday

37. Have you ever played Twister?
Used to play alot when i was younger, havent for a while.

39. Last thing received in the mail?
A greenstone pendant.

40. Have you ever kissed someone whose name begins with a J?
Yes indeed.

42. Do you have trust issues?
Yes, but then again who doesnt.

43. Do you use smiley faces on the computer a lot?
Fairly often.

44. Do you tend to rip the paper off water bottles?
Only when im bored.

45. Who was the last person you talked to on the phone?
_Probably some random fuck ringing for my parents..

46. Are you a cuddler?
I wuv cuddles

47. Have you ever hated someone, but ended up being friends with them?
My bestfriend, thought she was a pest..then we had to thrown shotputs together in Physical education class back when we were 15...its been on since.

48. What was the last advice you gave someone?
Be careful who you let into your life.

49. What was going through your mind during your last kiss?
How the fuck do i remember..er probably i hope this goes furthur..

50. Have you ever hurt anyone when you were mad?
a million times.

51. Is it easier to forgive or forget?
Forgive..can never forget.

52. Do you give out second chances too easily?
I have been lately.

53. What is the most important thing to you in any relationship?
Respect.

55. Do you have a best friend?
a few of the buggers

57. Do you trust people easily?
i like to think i dont.

58. Would you live with someone without marrying them?
sort of am now..my dad always told me you should live with someone before you marry them

59. Ever make plans and break them?
just did before lol

60. Ever kiss in the rain?
umm...i did dance in the rain with a friend then we decided it wasnt wet enough so we got in the shower clothed instead.

61. Do you have a friend of the opposite sex that you talk to 24/7?
Not really, have a few good male friends.

63. Have you ever had a dream about people you love dying?
often

64. Who was the last person you cried in front of?
probably my two best friends

65. Have you ever shaved in the kitchen sink?
haha nah my mom would throttle me

67. Have you ever changed clothes in a vehicle?
a few times..its hard to be causla about that, especially in a moving vehicle.

69. Do you love any of your ex's?
maybe one..im really not too sure..

70. Are you open with your feelings to people?
some feelings, not all.

71. Favorite song?
Keep ya head up-tupac..

72. What's your favorite thing your mom makes for dinner?
ummm canjt go wrong with the saturday night roast!



Do you like my style
Yeah that sexy, sexy, sexy ...

I have something to admit...well not admit but discuss.
Obviously im un-happy with my appearance, hence the eating disorders and self abuse...and lately it has all been heightened, theres just so many beautiful people in the world, and i really dont feel as if im one of those people.
A survey done in New Zealand on NZ woman showed only 2% of the population considered themselves to be beautiful, i really think thats sad, but i most definately can relate to that 98%.
Ever since i was just a young girl i wanted to be blonde and blue eyed with dark skin and a awesome body..

Like her, fuck shes hot..people like her make me feel so fucking ugly and disgusting.
Or her.....
I feel so in-adequate when i look at woman like this...

I just had to get that off my chest..and shit i know i shouldnt compare myself to others and all of that but its just so difficult..
I think im feeling like this quite intensely is because of the comment my bfs friend made ..shit like that just really gets to me..




Went for a bikeride this afternoon, freezed me ass off...am working on trying to look after myself..yes..why? because id love to look more like those girls above..

FUCK. I just wrote a entry in here and well it didnt save.Fuck.
Anyway im pissed off, even more pissed off then i was before i wrote the first version of this.
I overheard my boyfriend and his mates talking and one of his mates referred to me as "the dog"..and whats even worse i didnt even hear my boyfriend say anything in my defense. Fuck stain.
Secondly we decided it was time for kitty to be allowed outside to have a look around, he got other ideas and as soon as we put him out the door he did the jit, found him about ten minutes later under a tree/bush thingy. Hes been inside all week, and well hes going to have to get used to going ouside, any ideas anyone?

I just got back from a job interview at a dog boarding kennel, its just a couple of hours a week, but i love animals and thought it would be something a little exciting to do. I think it went well, the lady was lovely !
So i have finally got around to taking flicks of the latest artwork on my skin, and i dyed my hair last night so you get to see that too!








Kitty is at the vets today as you all know..poor boy..or is he really a boy now..or an it? How confusing!

My head is orangey/pinky/red.sexual
I dyed my hair..just incase you couldnt work that out for yourselves...i didnt throw a bucket of sauce all over me.
Last night spent 2 hours getting more added to top of arm..its still nowhere near finished..im talking about the tattoo here btw. It hurt like a wheel clamp across the face.
So i got the cat from the SPCA..hes a semi long haired ginger and white tom, who is having his male parts detatched tomorrow.

Hes about 4-5 years old, they werent too sure, just went by his teeth.
I lub him

Whoops, its been a minute since i updated, i do apoligize my friends !
Wasnt home for much of the weekend so havent been on in a few days, so many awesome new sets up

So what have i been doing..not alot really. Me and the bf went for a cruise on the bike last night and went to some random secluded place and smoked a joint..not smart..considering on the way back home i was flapping my wings at deer in near by paddocks pretending i was a bird...it was hilarious...really

Today i went down to the animal shelter in hopes of picking a cat to adopt..god...who knew it would be so hard..so i asked them what ones were due to be put to sleep soon..and im going to take one of them. I think i might have made my mind up..hes a he, and not the best looking cat but hes sweet and licked my hands...i dont want him to die and i know all the pretty cats will go to homes anyway..so i think ill take him



I have been meaning to put a pic of my new tat up, its peeling right now, so ill leave the photo moment till its nice ! Starting my sleeve tomorrow night soooo excited...covering up the scarring on my left forearm with something like this...

Im feeling really fat today
I ate a fair bit yesterday, havent had much today, but just feel massive. Im going out for dinner tonight with a friend and im kind of freaking out. I have 2 hours till i go.
I might go for a bike ride soon, im not sure...knowing my luck ill get half way down the road and itl start raining again!!!


I had a rather interesting morning, had some lovely sex at 6.30am before my boyfriend went to work, morning sex is lovely i must say.
Then i leave his house at around lunch time ,so i get in my hooney wee car and get about 50metres down the road and the fucker just stops, right in the middle of a intersection. I was like fuck me, im stuck..and my gas was on E. Im so smart. 5 minutes later i get it going [ thank god ] and make it to a petrol station.




I wish i was this thin however....

Im still quite sick, just really dizzy and exhausted, havent been sleeping to well again which is a right pain up the ass.
I found this picture, i cant remember when i took it, but i like it..
I dont know how old this photo is,but i wish i looked more like that now.

Im not too blah about my body right now, ive lost a little weight so im happy..of course a little is never enough, but then again nothing has or ever will be enough, and it always leaves me questioning why i continually keep going down this road.
Its like i have this fascination of being a skeleton, of starving to death, it seems exciting and inviting to me,sick i know. My mind works in some odd ways..

My tattoo is peeling and all of that, it was bitch itchy last night and drove me insane, but its looking So much better so yay!

My moods have been pretty good lately I notice around menstration i really do get emotional, and cut, so i have recognized this now and must take steps to ensure i look after myself and take it easy around this time !