I told him no contact none, it lasted 3 days before he turnt up at my house trying to hug me and tell me how much he missed "fucking" me. Made me laugh. Cos in a very short time, well since i posted i have begun to let go.
Next point..is there such thing as a man that can only look at one woman, only want her, only love her..i mean it seems all guys biologically just want to mate because thats how they are, and it annoys me. As a female i feel used. Even sitting in class, the boys, young as they are, all they talk about is sex and other girls bodies, boobs etc.
I just want someone to love me, just me, all of me, and i am afraid i will never find that.
I dont want him. I still love him , yes..but we are on completely different levels.
Seen surgeon today about back, said wanted to operate in matter of weeks, then found out i was a smoker and an anorexic and said, see you in three months, stop smoking and maintain your weight, and all i thought was how much weight can i lose in 3 months. This eating disorder is ruining my life AGAIN, must fight.harder.
Here, have a picture.
Next point..is there such thing as a man that can only look at one woman, only want her, only love her..i mean it seems all guys biologically just want to mate because thats how they are, and it annoys me. As a female i feel used. Even sitting in class, the boys, young as they are, all they talk about is sex and other girls bodies, boobs etc.
I just want someone to love me, just me, all of me, and i am afraid i will never find that.
I dont want him. I still love him , yes..but we are on completely different levels.
Seen surgeon today about back, said wanted to operate in matter of weeks, then found out i was a smoker and an anorexic and said, see you in three months, stop smoking and maintain your weight, and all i thought was how much weight can i lose in 3 months. This eating disorder is ruining my life AGAIN, must fight.harder.
Here, have a picture.
Confused confused so fucking confused. I dont get why he said he loved me so much and so often for nearly two years, then cheats, then i try work things out but he doesnt want to know about it, doesnt think we should be together, we arent meant to be..how can you just decide that, how do you even know these things, it fucks me off he isnt willing to try work things out, give ourselves sometime and see what happens. no nonononon, for him, its done, its old news.its over. And i dont know whether to hold on and fight or let go and be fucking heart broken for an awful period of time, which would probably happen either way.
Shit just keeps going more downhill, more and more. I am being attacked about choosing not to eat, which i can understand but fuck, it isnt going to help, and ive told them to no avail.
Im having terrible nitemares everynight.
I am surviving off next to nothing.
Cant wait to just disappear.
Im having terrible nitemares everynight.
I am surviving off next to nothing.
Cant wait to just disappear.
Thank you all for your lovely comments, i really do appreciate it!
Things are still confusing, but my head is clearing. I just cannot wait to be able to let go and move on.I hate him for what he has done to me, my life really did get turnt upside down. But it will be for the better, and i am going to avoid contact with him because i am sick of his mind games, i will be the strong one and be the one to say NO, this is not okay, this will never be okay, you fucked up big time and there is NO going back, not this time. And i can only hope he learns his fucking lesson.
Anyway got my knuckles tattooed, something i had wanted to do for along time, but had a string of partners who just didnt want me getting tattooed..odd i know.NEVER again!
Things are still confusing, but my head is clearing. I just cannot wait to be able to let go and move on.I hate him for what he has done to me, my life really did get turnt upside down. But it will be for the better, and i am going to avoid contact with him because i am sick of his mind games, i will be the strong one and be the one to say NO, this is not okay, this will never be okay, you fucked up big time and there is NO going back, not this time. And i can only hope he learns his fucking lesson.
Anyway got my knuckles tattooed, something i had wanted to do for along time, but had a string of partners who just didnt want me getting tattooed..odd i know.NEVER again!
So my boyfriend cheated on me, then decided that we cannot be together, regardless of what i say or what i want. I am still in love with him, id do anything, and i know im probably a fucking idiot, but love is blind.
In the meantime i havent eaten properly in nearly 2 weeks, im using sedatives whenever i get the chance, and i keep texting him, getting amgry, getting sad...wanting him, hating him, still loving him. Im so fucking confused.How the fuck do i move on.
In the meantime i havent eaten properly in nearly 2 weeks, im using sedatives whenever i get the chance, and i keep texting him, getting amgry, getting sad...wanting him, hating him, still loving him. Im so fucking confused.How the fuck do i move on.
Well ive completely shut myself off from the outside world so ive come back to old familiar places. Ive had a shit of a fucking week, which i may or may not go into detail about on here.But i have removed myself off facebook, but have remained here and on tumblr, because im anonymous, i know very few in person, which is a fucking shame really, because some of my internet friends are some of the most amazing souls i have encountered.
Anyway, things are not good, i am not well..maybe more later. Have some pictures anyway xx
Anyway, things are not good, i am not well..maybe more later. Have some pictures anyway xx
Super sober night last night, full of drama.
8 Days till CT scan, see specialist again on Tuesday..hip is now killing me...what next body. All i want is to get back in the ring and hit someone. Im holding onto that hope.
Blessed be x
8 Days till CT scan, see specialist again on Tuesday..hip is now killing me...what next body. All i want is to get back in the ring and hit someone. Im holding onto that hope.
Blessed be x
Back again for a moan. Motherfucker i am sore as shit tonight. I went back to my DR he has ordered me off work for 2 weeks and gave me lots of drugs, that are doing shit fuck all! FUUCCCKKK!
Scan in 12 days, seems so long, specialist tried to get date moved forward but hospital fully booked.SHIT AND ASSSS!
Anyway im going to spend the next 2 weeks playing vampire diaries on facebook, reading the mountain of books people have given me and sleeping..i reaaaly want to go to the gym but i just dont think that is going to happen. MEH.
Mentally im coping quite okay, physically the pain is unbearable.
Scan in 12 days, seems so long, specialist tried to get date moved forward but hospital fully booked.SHIT AND ASSSS!
Anyway im going to spend the next 2 weeks playing vampire diaries on facebook, reading the mountain of books people have given me and sleeping..i reaaaly want to go to the gym but i just dont think that is going to happen. MEH.
Mentally im coping quite okay, physically the pain is unbearable.
So looks like im back again, i have missed this place and the people..doesnt seem like much has changed, but how my life has.
As many of you will remember i struggled with an eating disorder for quite some time. I am happy to say i am in full recovery, mentally, emotionally and physically. Its still there, it always will be, but it does not have the effect nor impact on my life it once did.
I had a splendid 2011, very successful year. I went back boxing, kicked a whole heap of ass, and finished 3rd in my weight class at the Nationals.
Unfortunately from such a hard year i managed to injure myself, and in fact fought at Nationals with multiple spinal fratures.
So thats where im at now, sore, injured, waiting..and surgery is on the cards. I struggled with the blow at first, but im coming right slowly but surely..mentally anyway. Physically i am in a whole shit load of pain.
I am on a new path in life and have begin studying the old crafts..anyway have some pics
Blessed be x
As many of you will remember i struggled with an eating disorder for quite some time. I am happy to say i am in full recovery, mentally, emotionally and physically. Its still there, it always will be, but it does not have the effect nor impact on my life it once did.
I had a splendid 2011, very successful year. I went back boxing, kicked a whole heap of ass, and finished 3rd in my weight class at the Nationals.
Unfortunately from such a hard year i managed to injure myself, and in fact fought at Nationals with multiple spinal fratures.
So thats where im at now, sore, injured, waiting..and surgery is on the cards. I struggled with the blow at first, but im coming right slowly but surely..mentally anyway. Physically i am in a whole shit load of pain.
I am on a new path in life and have begin studying the old crafts..anyway have some pics
Blessed be x
