IPOD
RADIO
Went out tonight with my family and family friends to this local show the musicians club put on. My brother was involved along with the other members of his band. It was pretty dope. I had 7 vodka and lemonades..it didnt really do shit for the truth. I seem to be able to hold my alcohol just a little too well. Im almost jealous of one of my best mates who gets drunk off about 2 drinks, cheap nights for her.
Ive been thinking back alot to the days when i was sick and in hospital for so long...i hated it..i wanted out so bad,but wanted to be kept in longer, just to prove i was really sick..i never believed i ever was sick enough and still dont.
I dont know when ill truly believe i ever was sick enough, i nearly died..more than once. I was tube fed..my blood pressure and blood sugars were taken on the hour..i nearly passed away on Christmas Eve..i dont remember the night too well...i was there..and well then i wasnt..i woke up and requested icecream..i was shipped half way up the country to receive specialist treatment...i nearly had another heart attack half a year from abusing the crap out of laxatives...how much more is it going to take before i get this..
I feel like i havent succeeded as an anorexic..that i want to fall right back down that path..be thinner..be sicker..god fuck i dont know.
wow, she is insanely beautiful, she actually looks like a doll
. comedy has good value as a cure for shit ya know. that girl has way to much make-up on, and isnt as naturally beautiful as you. ok.
MAY 07, 2008 10:53 PM
You have a lot of conditioning just like the rest of us. Many people consider dolls to be more perfect and more beautiful than real women are. I don't happen to agree, as you know, but that doesn't matter. We have a choice to be slaves to feelings that we know are wrong or to recognize them as what they are. Even though they are very powerful, as adults we have learned that the world is more complex than what we knew as children and we don't want to harm ourselves, even when an old instinct is telling us that it's right, proper and necessary.
I completely believe that you feel that you weren't sick enough, but closer to death than almost dead simply does not exist. The only thing left is to tell the doctors to let you die the next time our heart is stopping. A feeling that urges you to do that is no gateway to a happier life and you know that as well as I do. These feelings are the mixed up conclusions reached by the mind of the tiny girl you were many years ago when you faced difficulties you never deserved to experience. No mechanism exists to tell you it's gone far enough, so you can get off the treadmill or keep flirting with death. It's all terribly hard to overcome but people do and you will also. If I didn't believe that I would be sick because I'd never get over it if anything happened to you. You're so precious. 
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