IPOD
RADIO
I don't have the internet. I HATE that. I thrive on the internet; it is my television. I am stealing time at the library and struggling to keep attention...
I am in trying out Alabama, looking to find a job. The job market here is horrible.
That is about all I can offer right now.
I really want to start excersizing because I have been wearing a bikini alot these days, scrutinizing pictures, and those advertisements of fit, lithe little bodies really do get to me. They are like that extra little bitterness in my coffee that makes me question why I continue drinking the shit when it makes me cringe, then I take another sip...
That didnt make sense and more practice might bring something better to the table. Maybe.
Goodbye for now... I am off to not find a job in an online job search.
But then, what if I got as fit and tiny and lithe and graceful as i could possibly get? I still dont have legs that extend for miles, and my ass can only be so rounded before it reaches its limits... which certainly wouldnt earn me a playboy cover but... wait I DONT WANT THAT ANYWAY.
What I really want... is just that feeling of empowerment and satisfaction when I look in the mirror, and I can bathe in my pathetic little ego, and think damn, you look good. You look damn good. You look good, damn. You know. Or walk with more bounce, prowress, and power to my steps, instead of a stiff, half cringing gait that looks really hardly willing to move at all and FAr from being used to the freedom to do so.
Now I mean it this time. Now and this time, really, goodbye.
I am in trying out Alabama, looking to find a job. The job market here is horrible.
That is about all I can offer right now.
I really want to start excersizing because I have been wearing a bikini alot these days, scrutinizing pictures, and those advertisements of fit, lithe little bodies really do get to me. They are like that extra little bitterness in my coffee that makes me question why I continue drinking the shit when it makes me cringe, then I take another sip...
That didnt make sense and more practice might bring something better to the table. Maybe.
Goodbye for now... I am off to not find a job in an online job search.
But then, what if I got as fit and tiny and lithe and graceful as i could possibly get? I still dont have legs that extend for miles, and my ass can only be so rounded before it reaches its limits... which certainly wouldnt earn me a playboy cover but... wait I DONT WANT THAT ANYWAY.
What I really want... is just that feeling of empowerment and satisfaction when I look in the mirror, and I can bathe in my pathetic little ego, and think damn, you look good. You look damn good. You look good, damn. You know. Or walk with more bounce, prowress, and power to my steps, instead of a stiff, half cringing gait that looks really hardly willing to move at all and FAr from being used to the freedom to do so.
Now I mean it this time. Now and this time, really, goodbye.
Woooooo, BABAY!
Read it
"It is the light that will unify the peoples of your world and heal aching hearts and troubled minds. Think of this analogy: Imagine Earth as a dull green ball encased in a net of thick dark rope so tightly binding that barely any part of the green peeps through_that image dates back sixty or seventy years. Rid yourself of that image and see the net as loose, slender white string with some tiny dim stains scattered about, and the ball as a verdant green beginning to shimmer and rotate and much more visible_this is Earth today. Now see the ball as vibrant glistening green, turning freely within the net whose minute threads are sparkling like crystal and radiating white and golden streamers that blend with the incoming light rays. This is the paradise you are creating_Earth surrounded by a grid of Christed light and glorying in the vibrations of peace and harmony among all of her life forms. Please hold this vision in your thoughts instead of preoccupation with how and when events will unfold as they are predestined in this part of the tapestry of your eternal life."
"information control, folks, is mind control. What you see, and what you hear, is all you have to base your decisions upon. We are being brainwashed."
"Knowledge is neither good nor bad, it depends on who has control of it."
In me has been instilled a restlessness, a dissatisfaction, a need to expose myself to the pain and the suffering that peple go through, to learn about,to do all that I could, and if I did not than i would feel extreme pain and guilt. A deep part telling me THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG. That life is more than it seems to be cracked up to be, that things were not right. For a while, I knew nothing beyond this. Now I am beginning to discover just what is wrong. Read my first blog, those of you who give a damn about me. This was just the beginning, and I am making progress.
Now the world is basically divided between the powers of negative and the powers of positive. You can call this energy, you may call it whatever you like. What I am revealing to you today is composed of a lot of negative engergy. The things themselves are very evil, but my act of revealing them to you is not. They may bring your energy down a few notches, but this in itself is not bad either. All things that bring you positive energy are of God, yet what do you define as positive energy? Some of the things which you define as positive may not be from God. What do you define as God? To you, is there a God even? I will post a blog eventually covering the intangible energy forces all around us, and just how powerful our thoughts and emotions are in contributing to a mass of dark and light energy that collects on this earth. Anyway, I am wandering here. It is not bad to feel negative energy and to expose yourself to it if you can transfer it into postive, and use this in order to dispell of this lesser powerful negative energy. If you use this positive energy for the benefit of noneother than yourself, than THIS NEEDS TO CHANGE. What I reveal to you below is very taxing on the positive energy levels, and those of you who feel that you do not have the strength to dispell large amounts of negative energy, I still encourage you to PLEASE, PLEASE, please read on, and watch the content provided.
I ask you all to please watch the following documentaries I have provided in their entirety. Yes, most are an average of two hours long. My introductory text is to prepare your mind to be receptive to this information, to prepare your brain chemistry to be in the mind set that you can actually SIT for a few hours and want to watch these, and want to expose yourself to this information. Because in reality, how many times have you sat down in your life time to watch a two hour movie which provided nothing stimulatory or educational but which was an utter waste of your time? We have all grown up with an environment around us that has stimuli designed to appeal to parts of our brain which encourage short attention span, block logical thought processes, and encourage certain behavior leaning towards short term gain, simple and shallow thought processes, and a cozy life of conformity.
I have some very important questions that I want to raise to you that you can ponder on now, or after you watch these documentaries. How much control do you feel that you have over your life? Over the decisions that you make? Over the way that you think? How much of what you say, do, think, of the way that you react to the world around you, is affected by what you have been exposed to? And just WHAT do you expose yourself to? Because if it is nothing beyond mainstream media including television, newspapers, advertisements, ectera than, my friends, it is a sad and a very hollow amount of control that you have indeed. This is the world that you live in, for crying out loud! Why do you want to coast through it blindly and sink comfortably into the rituals? This is your life! Why is it that you do not care to expose yourself to all different forms of media that you can, to the problems facing our world, to learn, to question, to challenge yourself and your perceptions? If you think that you are living, hardly! You are hardly living at all. You are like a horse with blinders on, seeing a limited view of the world, not the world around you, but in front of you, the world view provided to you by the owner that is driving you! How much of this lack of concern, this conformity, these mindless following of rituals, is of ourselves, and how much is the result of influence from something else? THESE are very important things to think about, folks. What is it that you have learned, seen, been exposed to, which prevents your mind from thinking about these things, from questioning, and what is it that has made what you do acceptable, what is it that has kept you fro questionong your actions, your thoughts, your rituals, such as your buying decisions, your tendency to want money, bigger things, your tendency to shut out problems, your tendency to trust people in higher positions of power, to trust what you see before you every day, to not question it? Why is it that you cannot rise above strangling trains of thought?
There are evil people in this world and there are good people. Nooo, really? We all know this. Good people have blinders on to just what would motivate certain people to commit these evil atrocities. It does not make sense why people murder, nor why people are tortured, or raped, or why people are so hungry for money and power. It does not make sense to people who are not criminal master minds, or who do not hae this evil instilled in them themselves. It does not make sense, yet it happens. Nor will what I am about to enlighten you with make sense: would it be impossible for you to believe, or even to consider, if I told you that there is a small group of elitists and masterminds whom for several years have been trying to get their hands into every aspect of life including religion, politics, news to effect the way in which you choose to live, the choices that you make in every day life, in order to achieve their long term, final goal, which is to be able to control the human population, because they do not believe that we can handle ourselves well enough on our own? This should not be so hard to believe. We have satanists, cultists, murderers, rapists, and a whole plethora of sick people in our society that reappear generation after generation. Why so hard to accept that there could be a group of people who believe that their ideas of what society should be are better than anyone elses, that the human race is a sick and sorry bunch of people indeed who simply need a little direction? But where does it go from there, when they discover just how to manipulate human beings? A goal this large and this significant must produce some very zealous, ambitious souls indeed, from people who believe that the general human population are helpless, confused lesser beings whom only need to be pointed in the right direction, the direction they percieve to be the ultimate, correct way of living. Why would it be so hard to believe knowing how foolish mankind can be, how money hungry, how power hungry, when the proof is in history? In the world wars, in the wars going on today, in Adolph Hitler.... other names are unimportant. It is proven that humans can do very evil things and do not percieve what they are doing to be evil. If some people could have control over who gets elected into power, what gets broadcasted on the media, what people are exposed to, what people do and think, in order to benefit themselves and fulfill their ideal of how the world should be, or to benefit themselves financially if this is their goal, you bet your ass they would do it if they could. People are twisted like this. This is an established truth.
Yet how much control they have in the world is up for debate. So, as you watch these, keep that in mind. Even the people presenting this information is working from dozens of rumours and conspiracy theories, but their aim is honest, their aim is to put this information out there in the case that it is true, for our benefit. Do these people really have their dirty, evil little fingers in everything? How much power do they really have? It is beyond question that they do exist, I will tell you this right now. Get used to this fact. Beyond this you can brush it off and see them as harmless, because people are smarter than this, therefore they would NEVER fall for any of their control tactics. Afterall, living in ignorance is bliss. You will have lived your life happily and simply, and nothing is losed nor gained. Or you can do your own research as I have, deleve into a world of horror and harsh reality. You don't know what you are missing out on until you are exposed to what it is that you have been missing out on. Which is where I begin to feel silly in my mission, because of just this. But I have felt true beauty, true beautiful, profound, amazing, deep existence, and thinking, and it pains me that people are stripped of these things. They may not know it or feel as if they are missing out on much, but I know they are. I apologize, but I cannot just sit on this information, this knowledge, and let it go nowhere to save people from heartahce that knowledge brings, because the end result makes more a richer, freer, more beautiful life. You can begin with watching these documentaries, and I pray that you only continue from there, and take control of your life, and your thoughts, and your values. Because we are so much under a trance affecting the very thoughts that we think, that we can hardly say that we are our own persons. This group of evil people has done research, research, research, and more research, and may even have technological, scientific, biological advancements and knowledge beyond our wildest dreams that is being kept from us. They want to know all about how our brains work, how to stimulate certain parts, what those stimulations do, how they affect our thought processes thus our actions... I could go on. Just how much you believe of what you see is up to you. Just know that they exist. How much power they have is unknown. How much they have been involved in certain aspects of history is unknown. Think of all of what you see as theories, if you will. But watch it. Learn expose, break free. Deprogram your mind.
I am doing this because I love you all, I love my fellow human beings, and I want to see us become something amazing. Our potential is being blocked. We are being held down, we all have endless beauty within us, and there are ends being put on it, there are limitations being placed upon the depths our hearts, minds, and souls can reach. Shallow, simplistic lives, ways of thinking, ways of living. Why do you think this is? It may not even be due to the attempts of this group of people, or even an effect that is being administered consciously. We may damn well just be strangling ourselves into lethargy and apathy and stagnancy without even realising it, and no one is to blame for doing these things with a purpose, or intentionally. If this is so than I have a LOT more work to do. But, remember, you only know what you have been exposed to. And the general flow of information out there that we are being exposed to is heavily mediated, heavily controlled. I don't know how much this small, possibly harmless group of people has affected the way we think, do, or be. I know that they exist. I also know that we are being held down, prevented from achieving our fullest potential, that the human race today as I know it is not much more advanced than monkeys in how we think, it is just disguised by clever little gadgets and technology thought to be innovational. Again, I am speaking from a place that has experienced just how much more we can be, so my knowledge is not limited to the here and now, to simply what we are today alone, and with this knowledge, comparing what we are now with what we could be, we really do seem primitive, disgustingly so, so please keep this in mind before you get defensive or offended.
It is not my intention for anyone to feel a heightened sense of danger, or to be ever suspicious of everyone they come into contact with, for if you learn enough, you will know that even people serving the purpose of this evil group of people are being mislead, do not know to what end their actions. I know that this will shake your very foundations, uproot you from a cozy, comfortable, worry free life, knowing that these things are going on. This is my fear. That you will stop exposing yourself, or be in disbelief, or even stop watching the few documentaries I have provided out of shock, denial, and overwhelming pain. Well, guess what. This world is in pain as you live comfortably, as you live with your blinders on, as you run from anything that could incite pain and pull the steady ground form underneath your feet. Get off your duff, get out of your utopia, and realize that this is a VERY screwed up, twisted, dysfunctional world in which we live on millions of different levels, and that you are sitting on your ass every day living comfortably, doing NOTHING about it. Not even learning, not even exposing yourself to opinions, claims, different facets, which is the most basic thing that you can do. It may not be through showing you documentaries like this which are obviously biased, which obviously jump all over the place, which obviously are feeding off of rumors and linking far fetched events to eachother and claming them to be related, or maybe which obviously have some merit. Or maybe it is just a foundation for you to build upon. Maybe I am to use different means to help you. I will continue to learn. I have only just begun.
Go here:
prisonplanet.com
inforwars.com
www.minddeprogramming.com
Do some research on:
The fourth reich
The New World Order
Illuminati
http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=7850559484065398098
http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=5589099104255077250
http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=3828044841557742823&q=mind deprogramming
http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=1263677258215075609
http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-6495462761605341661
Read it
"It is the light that will unify the peoples of your world and heal aching hearts and troubled minds. Think of this analogy: Imagine Earth as a dull green ball encased in a net of thick dark rope so tightly binding that barely any part of the green peeps through_that image dates back sixty or seventy years. Rid yourself of that image and see the net as loose, slender white string with some tiny dim stains scattered about, and the ball as a verdant green beginning to shimmer and rotate and much more visible_this is Earth today. Now see the ball as vibrant glistening green, turning freely within the net whose minute threads are sparkling like crystal and radiating white and golden streamers that blend with the incoming light rays. This is the paradise you are creating_Earth surrounded by a grid of Christed light and glorying in the vibrations of peace and harmony among all of her life forms. Please hold this vision in your thoughts instead of preoccupation with how and when events will unfold as they are predestined in this part of the tapestry of your eternal life."
"information control, folks, is mind control. What you see, and what you hear, is all you have to base your decisions upon. We are being brainwashed."
"Knowledge is neither good nor bad, it depends on who has control of it."
In me has been instilled a restlessness, a dissatisfaction, a need to expose myself to the pain and the suffering that peple go through, to learn about,to do all that I could, and if I did not than i would feel extreme pain and guilt. A deep part telling me THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG. That life is more than it seems to be cracked up to be, that things were not right. For a while, I knew nothing beyond this. Now I am beginning to discover just what is wrong. Read my first blog, those of you who give a damn about me. This was just the beginning, and I am making progress.
Now the world is basically divided between the powers of negative and the powers of positive. You can call this energy, you may call it whatever you like. What I am revealing to you today is composed of a lot of negative engergy. The things themselves are very evil, but my act of revealing them to you is not. They may bring your energy down a few notches, but this in itself is not bad either. All things that bring you positive energy are of God, yet what do you define as positive energy? Some of the things which you define as positive may not be from God. What do you define as God? To you, is there a God even? I will post a blog eventually covering the intangible energy forces all around us, and just how powerful our thoughts and emotions are in contributing to a mass of dark and light energy that collects on this earth. Anyway, I am wandering here. It is not bad to feel negative energy and to expose yourself to it if you can transfer it into postive, and use this in order to dispell of this lesser powerful negative energy. If you use this positive energy for the benefit of noneother than yourself, than THIS NEEDS TO CHANGE. What I reveal to you below is very taxing on the positive energy levels, and those of you who feel that you do not have the strength to dispell large amounts of negative energy, I still encourage you to PLEASE, PLEASE, please read on, and watch the content provided.
I ask you all to please watch the following documentaries I have provided in their entirety. Yes, most are an average of two hours long. My introductory text is to prepare your mind to be receptive to this information, to prepare your brain chemistry to be in the mind set that you can actually SIT for a few hours and want to watch these, and want to expose yourself to this information. Because in reality, how many times have you sat down in your life time to watch a two hour movie which provided nothing stimulatory or educational but which was an utter waste of your time? We have all grown up with an environment around us that has stimuli designed to appeal to parts of our brain which encourage short attention span, block logical thought processes, and encourage certain behavior leaning towards short term gain, simple and shallow thought processes, and a cozy life of conformity.
I have some very important questions that I want to raise to you that you can ponder on now, or after you watch these documentaries. How much control do you feel that you have over your life? Over the decisions that you make? Over the way that you think? How much of what you say, do, think, of the way that you react to the world around you, is affected by what you have been exposed to? And just WHAT do you expose yourself to? Because if it is nothing beyond mainstream media including television, newspapers, advertisements, ectera than, my friends, it is a sad and a very hollow amount of control that you have indeed. This is the world that you live in, for crying out loud! Why do you want to coast through it blindly and sink comfortably into the rituals? This is your life! Why is it that you do not care to expose yourself to all different forms of media that you can, to the problems facing our world, to learn, to question, to challenge yourself and your perceptions? If you think that you are living, hardly! You are hardly living at all. You are like a horse with blinders on, seeing a limited view of the world, not the world around you, but in front of you, the world view provided to you by the owner that is driving you! How much of this lack of concern, this conformity, these mindless following of rituals, is of ourselves, and how much is the result of influence from something else? THESE are very important things to think about, folks. What is it that you have learned, seen, been exposed to, which prevents your mind from thinking about these things, from questioning, and what is it that has made what you do acceptable, what is it that has kept you fro questionong your actions, your thoughts, your rituals, such as your buying decisions, your tendency to want money, bigger things, your tendency to shut out problems, your tendency to trust people in higher positions of power, to trust what you see before you every day, to not question it? Why is it that you cannot rise above strangling trains of thought?
There are evil people in this world and there are good people. Nooo, really? We all know this. Good people have blinders on to just what would motivate certain people to commit these evil atrocities. It does not make sense why people murder, nor why people are tortured, or raped, or why people are so hungry for money and power. It does not make sense to people who are not criminal master minds, or who do not hae this evil instilled in them themselves. It does not make sense, yet it happens. Nor will what I am about to enlighten you with make sense: would it be impossible for you to believe, or even to consider, if I told you that there is a small group of elitists and masterminds whom for several years have been trying to get their hands into every aspect of life including religion, politics, news to effect the way in which you choose to live, the choices that you make in every day life, in order to achieve their long term, final goal, which is to be able to control the human population, because they do not believe that we can handle ourselves well enough on our own? This should not be so hard to believe. We have satanists, cultists, murderers, rapists, and a whole plethora of sick people in our society that reappear generation after generation. Why so hard to accept that there could be a group of people who believe that their ideas of what society should be are better than anyone elses, that the human race is a sick and sorry bunch of people indeed who simply need a little direction? But where does it go from there, when they discover just how to manipulate human beings? A goal this large and this significant must produce some very zealous, ambitious souls indeed, from people who believe that the general human population are helpless, confused lesser beings whom only need to be pointed in the right direction, the direction they percieve to be the ultimate, correct way of living. Why would it be so hard to believe knowing how foolish mankind can be, how money hungry, how power hungry, when the proof is in history? In the world wars, in the wars going on today, in Adolph Hitler.... other names are unimportant. It is proven that humans can do very evil things and do not percieve what they are doing to be evil. If some people could have control over who gets elected into power, what gets broadcasted on the media, what people are exposed to, what people do and think, in order to benefit themselves and fulfill their ideal of how the world should be, or to benefit themselves financially if this is their goal, you bet your ass they would do it if they could. People are twisted like this. This is an established truth.
Yet how much control they have in the world is up for debate. So, as you watch these, keep that in mind. Even the people presenting this information is working from dozens of rumours and conspiracy theories, but their aim is honest, their aim is to put this information out there in the case that it is true, for our benefit. Do these people really have their dirty, evil little fingers in everything? How much power do they really have? It is beyond question that they do exist, I will tell you this right now. Get used to this fact. Beyond this you can brush it off and see them as harmless, because people are smarter than this, therefore they would NEVER fall for any of their control tactics. Afterall, living in ignorance is bliss. You will have lived your life happily and simply, and nothing is losed nor gained. Or you can do your own research as I have, deleve into a world of horror and harsh reality. You don't know what you are missing out on until you are exposed to what it is that you have been missing out on. Which is where I begin to feel silly in my mission, because of just this. But I have felt true beauty, true beautiful, profound, amazing, deep existence, and thinking, and it pains me that people are stripped of these things. They may not know it or feel as if they are missing out on much, but I know they are. I apologize, but I cannot just sit on this information, this knowledge, and let it go nowhere to save people from heartahce that knowledge brings, because the end result makes more a richer, freer, more beautiful life. You can begin with watching these documentaries, and I pray that you only continue from there, and take control of your life, and your thoughts, and your values. Because we are so much under a trance affecting the very thoughts that we think, that we can hardly say that we are our own persons. This group of evil people has done research, research, research, and more research, and may even have technological, scientific, biological advancements and knowledge beyond our wildest dreams that is being kept from us. They want to know all about how our brains work, how to stimulate certain parts, what those stimulations do, how they affect our thought processes thus our actions... I could go on. Just how much you believe of what you see is up to you. Just know that they exist. How much power they have is unknown. How much they have been involved in certain aspects of history is unknown. Think of all of what you see as theories, if you will. But watch it. Learn expose, break free. Deprogram your mind.
I am doing this because I love you all, I love my fellow human beings, and I want to see us become something amazing. Our potential is being blocked. We are being held down, we all have endless beauty within us, and there are ends being put on it, there are limitations being placed upon the depths our hearts, minds, and souls can reach. Shallow, simplistic lives, ways of thinking, ways of living. Why do you think this is? It may not even be due to the attempts of this group of people, or even an effect that is being administered consciously. We may damn well just be strangling ourselves into lethargy and apathy and stagnancy without even realising it, and no one is to blame for doing these things with a purpose, or intentionally. If this is so than I have a LOT more work to do. But, remember, you only know what you have been exposed to. And the general flow of information out there that we are being exposed to is heavily mediated, heavily controlled. I don't know how much this small, possibly harmless group of people has affected the way we think, do, or be. I know that they exist. I also know that we are being held down, prevented from achieving our fullest potential, that the human race today as I know it is not much more advanced than monkeys in how we think, it is just disguised by clever little gadgets and technology thought to be innovational. Again, I am speaking from a place that has experienced just how much more we can be, so my knowledge is not limited to the here and now, to simply what we are today alone, and with this knowledge, comparing what we are now with what we could be, we really do seem primitive, disgustingly so, so please keep this in mind before you get defensive or offended.
It is not my intention for anyone to feel a heightened sense of danger, or to be ever suspicious of everyone they come into contact with, for if you learn enough, you will know that even people serving the purpose of this evil group of people are being mislead, do not know to what end their actions. I know that this will shake your very foundations, uproot you from a cozy, comfortable, worry free life, knowing that these things are going on. This is my fear. That you will stop exposing yourself, or be in disbelief, or even stop watching the few documentaries I have provided out of shock, denial, and overwhelming pain. Well, guess what. This world is in pain as you live comfortably, as you live with your blinders on, as you run from anything that could incite pain and pull the steady ground form underneath your feet. Get off your duff, get out of your utopia, and realize that this is a VERY screwed up, twisted, dysfunctional world in which we live on millions of different levels, and that you are sitting on your ass every day living comfortably, doing NOTHING about it. Not even learning, not even exposing yourself to opinions, claims, different facets, which is the most basic thing that you can do. It may not be through showing you documentaries like this which are obviously biased, which obviously jump all over the place, which obviously are feeding off of rumors and linking far fetched events to eachother and claming them to be related, or maybe which obviously have some merit. Or maybe it is just a foundation for you to build upon. Maybe I am to use different means to help you. I will continue to learn. I have only just begun.
Go here:
prisonplanet.com
inforwars.com
www.minddeprogramming.com
Do some research on:
The fourth reich
The New World Order
Illuminati
http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=7850559484065398098
http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=5589099104255077250
http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=3828044841557742823&q=mind deprogramming
http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=1263677258215075609
http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-6495462761605341661
Neeeew pictures. Please go look at them. I am very proud of some of them, although not my best work... it is basically your average commercial type bullshit, which is why I LOVE when I have control over photoshoots. Then I can get really crazy, with the props, the poses, the other elements, and with photoshop 
.
I am in a nice pink push up bra and a pair of white jogging pants. I feel pretty sexy. Even with slightly hairy armpits because I have not shaved for a few days. Awww did that ruin it? The bra is still hot. I just got it in the mail today. I love bras!! I love lingerie! Why cant we get it for freeeeee???? Okay now I am just whining.
I mainly am thinking about love. Love love love love. Every day, because I dont have a love. I was going to post a biiiig llllong blog bitching about finding love..... maybe some other time.
Pink Brrrrrraaaaa!
. I am in a nice pink push up bra and a pair of white jogging pants. I feel pretty sexy. Even with slightly hairy armpits because I have not shaved for a few days. Awww did that ruin it? The bra is still hot. I just got it in the mail today. I love bras!! I love lingerie! Why cant we get it for freeeeee???? Okay now I am just whining.
I mainly am thinking about love. Love love love love. Every day, because I dont have a love. I was going to post a biiiig llllong blog bitching about finding love..... maybe some other time.
Pink Brrrrrraaaaa!
This was inspired just now from the sci-fi/fantasy books that I am trying to put together from all of my abstract thoughts. I have been unfolding all of these books in my head since I was ten years old... it actually started out as a coping mechanism to get away from a world too painful to get wrapped up in and to keep away from the horrible thoughts that crept into my head when I was trying to sleep, making up stories in my head and going with it for hours, and I decided when I was 20 to make them into books . Now I have about five continuing novels going on with the same charecters, but it involves reincaration and follows the lives of the reincarnations of each soul. In each lifetime the same two soulmates find eachother and battle all sorts of things in all sorts of different planets and different forms, and they are always essentially of the same spirit. Except this is not revealed until the final novel, so because you are all very special to me I am giving you some spoilers before my books get published. They are science fiction/fantasy but they will be exploring some very real, very complex questions about religion, philosophy, existentiality, government and politics, spirituality, and etc. through the charecters own struggles, questions, and transcendences. This blog is through the eyes of my main female charecter, as is the last long crazy one I posted about a big winter blizzard that was obviously a metaphor for something entirely different. I hope you enjoy and let me know your thoughts on it!
He found me first, and we had eachother first. Although you two are one and the same, and we two, him and me and ou and me, are all the same, the timing was off. I was ripped from your world, the world and the time I should have been born in and the shared space between him and I has weaved into my heart an unforgettable, irreplaceable soul song that, well, could have been yours but it is nothing to mourn over my friend and one lover, because his soul is yours. You may have been something more brilliant, one captured in the light so that you outshine him, somehow, on the surface, with such profound words and intelligence but your words although wrapped up pleasantly in glittering wrapping paper, pretty bows and all with wisdom and philosphy throw in with all of the glittering pinks and blues and oranges, I was melded with him and he saved me first. My bond with you will be saving you, and freeing your soul from those who tossed you about and played games with you in trying to shape your destiny for their own pleasures.
In stealing me from him you were not really stealing were you? I really was yours to begin with, but I fled from your world into his before I was born because I was able to flee from a painful desinty into a world much simpler and happier. I could do so much here and bits of me were not chipped away in the process. It's sad in a way that I met your other self first so that we can never have eachother, because ironically I really belong to you..... but I must go back. I have freed you, and you are past the childish point of wanting me all for yourself, are you not? I must go back, because I have done what was needed of me here to it's fullest, I have freed you and I have freed the rest of the world from the hell that yers of human desire and angst brought forth, and now I will go back in time to the world where I can create even more miracles, although I do not belong there because I am too complex for that world and therefore with all my power and wisdom in such innocent times I am too much like a God. But the miracles I can create here as a reslut are so wonderful, my friend, so wonderful! I have reshaped a world and changed history, I have toyed with the destiny shaped by God, and changed the rules he placed upon us all that we needed for our betterment, but pain is pain nonetheless, and I cannot bear to watch it, although in His divine world we will go there all the better for it, for the pain, but innocence is such a joy to watch, to bring back into people's hearts. I do not know if God will punish me for playing him with my power... but it has come from an honest place.
I must go back and save them all, save all I can until he drags me kicking and screaming away. I must say goodbye to you.
. Now I have about five continuing novels going on with the same charecters, but it involves reincaration and follows the lives of the reincarnations of each soul. In each lifetime the same two soulmates find eachother and battle all sorts of things in all sorts of different planets and different forms, and they are always essentially of the same spirit. Except this is not revealed until the final novel, so because you are all very special to me I am giving you some spoilers before my books get published. They are science fiction/fantasy but they will be exploring some very real, very complex questions about religion, philosophy, existentiality, government and politics, spirituality, and etc. through the charecters own struggles, questions, and transcendences. This blog is through the eyes of my main female charecter, as is the last long crazy one I posted about a big winter blizzard that was obviously a metaphor for something entirely different. I hope you enjoy and let me know your thoughts on it!He found me first, and we had eachother first. Although you two are one and the same, and we two, him and me and ou and me, are all the same, the timing was off. I was ripped from your world, the world and the time I should have been born in and the shared space between him and I has weaved into my heart an unforgettable, irreplaceable soul song that, well, could have been yours but it is nothing to mourn over my friend and one lover, because his soul is yours. You may have been something more brilliant, one captured in the light so that you outshine him, somehow, on the surface, with such profound words and intelligence but your words although wrapped up pleasantly in glittering wrapping paper, pretty bows and all with wisdom and philosphy throw in with all of the glittering pinks and blues and oranges, I was melded with him and he saved me first. My bond with you will be saving you, and freeing your soul from those who tossed you about and played games with you in trying to shape your destiny for their own pleasures.
In stealing me from him you were not really stealing were you? I really was yours to begin with, but I fled from your world into his before I was born because I was able to flee from a painful desinty into a world much simpler and happier. I could do so much here and bits of me were not chipped away in the process. It's sad in a way that I met your other self first so that we can never have eachother, because ironically I really belong to you..... but I must go back. I have freed you, and you are past the childish point of wanting me all for yourself, are you not? I must go back, because I have done what was needed of me here to it's fullest, I have freed you and I have freed the rest of the world from the hell that yers of human desire and angst brought forth, and now I will go back in time to the world where I can create even more miracles, although I do not belong there because I am too complex for that world and therefore with all my power and wisdom in such innocent times I am too much like a God. But the miracles I can create here as a reslut are so wonderful, my friend, so wonderful! I have reshaped a world and changed history, I have toyed with the destiny shaped by God, and changed the rules he placed upon us all that we needed for our betterment, but pain is pain nonetheless, and I cannot bear to watch it, although in His divine world we will go there all the better for it, for the pain, but innocence is such a joy to watch, to bring back into people's hearts. I do not know if God will punish me for playing him with my power... but it has come from an honest place.
I must go back and save them all, save all I can until he drags me kicking and screaming away. I must say goodbye to you.
Hey! I am back, I'll probably be back to post something in more detail... but I don't feel like being an intellectual right now. IS that okay? For once I am just going to be simple. I think it is my own self induced pressure, to feel like I have to sound so damn smart or cutting edge or interesting all the time, and today, i mean tonight, on this lovely Friday night of 2007, I will not sell myself. I am good though. I am better. Good enough to be back, and ready for some SG action again 
. I am glad i signed in quickly before I took a nap, because I have four new friend requests, like 15 emails, and just reading the headers made me feel really warm and fuzzy. No other place like SG. You all rock. Really. You all just keep being yourselves, and thank you!
. I am glad i signed in quickly before I took a nap, because I have four new friend requests, like 15 emails, and just reading the headers made me feel really warm and fuzzy. No other place like SG. You all rock. Really. You all just keep being yourselves, and thank you!
Hey. I'm just going to post this and sneak back out. I'll read mail and talk to you guys soon and stuff. I've been really busy with a new thing for the past week and it will keep me busy night and day for a while. Sorry to anyone who actually cares about my absense, but as if the quality of your life has improves since i kinda sorta entered it in the virtual world. I wish. It is flattering to toy with the idea that my person could be that important to someone . Well this, this is something i just spewed out randomly without thinking at all. it took about ten minutes and it was fun. Enjoy. Youll think im even crazier now.
i had a dream when i was nine years old about a powerful spiritual force that said it was my gaurdian and would protect me forever and be at my side when i need its power. Since then it comes to me in my dreams wihtou my asking, seems to come at times when i need it the most. and when i was 21 and crying and asking why and wanting an escape for the first time i asked for help from this creature and that night in my dreams my body changed and i became what it was, this spiritual creature, and there were more of the same kind and we all of we ran through the night together and i was one of them, the closest i could get.
I'm going to the place where there might be no comin comin back a place somewhere between the rainbow in the sky from that lullaby in my childhood days that i never heard the days it was played but it plays so sweetly these days echoing from a place that was cold and dark but is now done and time rolls on if it rolls. It sure doesn't dance, not for me, time is a chain, link upon link but it isn't something that can be summed up in a straight line like a chain with links, it moves too much like a snake with flexibilty and curls swirls... that might mean with movement it could dance okay. And if time could be erased with only my mentality alone as the one history left in the world that would be a dream come true. I could be be be the world's hero as I recreate all of history's miracles all on my own and people would be dazed in a trance their senses overwhelmed as I teach them about... music and music they never heard never knew because music never was... and I'll build my own instruments and call them my own creations and perform surgeries beyond even todays miracles because there are no miracles today nothing much to
turn
my
head
and
if the storm came, that winter storm that blows a whole city and all of it's inhabitants away I'd stay in one spot with the power of my mind, the power that the forces of the weather can't tango with and I'd save him more beautifully than an Amazon princess because... I could... and it may take months to find our way to the next city in this cold but it's alright cuz you found me and i'm not gonna let either of us die in a place like this not before our relationship goes to the next level, stranger. Not before I get to taste heaven with you and you can find your friends again that blew away out over the frozen ocean in that winter storm, because you shared years with them unspeakable and I wish I knew them. We'll find them again, don't worry. Just stay alive here with me, if we have to eat raw meat its okay as long as we stay... alive here. We'll walk until our muscles fall off in search of life in search of that next city and the cold can't break into our warmth and we'll stay alive through it all.
"Way up north I took my day. All in all was a pretty nice day. I put the hood right back where... you could taste heaven perfectly. Feel out the summer breeze, didn't know when we'd be back and i, I dont know what takes hold, I dont didnt think... we'd end up like... like this."
Why did we ever meet it never came to anything it was like a tortorous tease licking my pain as a flame and reminding me of what i could have what could be if you weren't so... you if you werent so...
It was something something new and different. You know how we all have a great idea of what love feels like what love is and it dont take much to play it on, it dont take much to bring those feelings abot because we are already farmiliar with those feelings in our hearts from the years of growing up with these ideas in our heads so... so when a prospect comes along it isnt hard for our minds to take us away and thats what people call love and thats why it makes me sick and thats why I am above that kind of love and no one ever understands. No one ever understands why I want to eb alone for the rest of my life... because I am above the simple notions that keep us all ticking even beyond love the life most live with the ideas that keep them ticking that tells them they are living a life but its a lie and i hate it and i cant live it so ill sit here alone and im just fucking fine with that. just fine. I wonder how much is manifesation of imagination taking us to fake heights with love with life with love and love and life.our brains trick us our ideas trick us and then then then i met you. It was like a dream things running through my body my soul my heart and not my head not my brain not working with my imaginationand my ideas... not farmiliar. So i didnt know what to make of it because the feelings and the senses were unworldly, and new and natural. It was beautiful. and you never cared. I dont know what that was joe and i dont know what i am to you but if you didnt feel it you are.... and if you felt it and youve been acting this way then you are hopeless, Because i cant forget you... no not you but what i felt that night and it haunts me everywhere i go go go and nothing compares. Did it happen so short ago or was it... a dream. I hoe i meet someone again that makes me feel alive that way as if i am not even of this world on a new plane of existence where its only him and me and me... and him and we can feel centuries worth of thoughts and feeelings as if time is irrelevant and what is more... I hope that he loves me back. One day a few hours was irrelevant okay. beyond our sense of time and the limits inposed by our ideas. I hope he appreciates me and he has what it takes to grab such a thing in his hands and handle it with strength and grace and it wont be a struggle or a fight and it wont be painful or overwhelming, such a unworldy new feeling sensation because es like me, just like me, he can handle such things unlike people living in a chain of time of ideas of layers of history like a iced cake all shaping pretty little clay people that move as beautifully as any shallow wodden puppets would. Will i see him in me too and will i feel him in he like he was always there...i hope there is another out there somewhere and I hope he would love me too. I really hope so....
Say we were running again, running from a group frenzied and wild for our blood cuz me and you we done wrong and we broke the rules of this world and we run into a portal. Its a circle of energy buzzing and flexing and we ran right into it because whatever the hell it is and whatever it offers beyond it is preferable to this world and these monsters chasing us so we run without thinking. We are taken to a world where the energy is so strong that I am brought to my knees and I scream because I can feel all of it... the profound hate and evil and dirty deeds as if a thousand dirty demons of heel were crawling all around me and ripping apart bodies and raping and cutting and torchering and taking and killing and cutting and the noise of their haunting growls and snarls and howls rips my sensitive soul apart and this world i can feel the evil in it it is strong and thick and putrid and i am caught in it immoblized it takes my energy and i am spent my muscles cant move. That is my world but i must represent it as a new world through a portal which we entered, prefering it over.. over.. prefering it over everything weve come to know everything in the world, and it is a world apart from it all that is so different no onecould understand so lets call it a different world, a world of heightened sensitivity my own world yet reacting the the big world around me. But it means feeling and thinking and imagining beautifully incomprehensibly so although i can feel the evil roaring throughout i think well stay. My power consequently is heightened here as well, and I am stronger than i ever was here, with this new world with so much energy buzzing about and different chemical reactions and different composites of things and different air floating around, it all enhances everything i was ever equipped with so that i can soar the skies and cut the stars apart into little showers that sprinkle down and i cna create miracles and follow the evil that runs and hides in its thick portal in hell which noone else can do and cut it all down because i have the power to here, did you know?
And then here i am 22 years old and in 22 short years i feel more advanced than most that have lived full lifetimes but shit that counts for nothing when each year crawls by in waste and i waste away more and more and sangria sweet sangria is no longer an escape for me okay. okay.
I wish. It is flattering to toy with the idea that my person could be that important to someone . Well this, this is something i just spewed out randomly without thinking at all. it took about ten minutes and it was fun. Enjoy. Youll think im even crazier now.i had a dream when i was nine years old about a powerful spiritual force that said it was my gaurdian and would protect me forever and be at my side when i need its power. Since then it comes to me in my dreams wihtou my asking, seems to come at times when i need it the most. and when i was 21 and crying and asking why and wanting an escape for the first time i asked for help from this creature and that night in my dreams my body changed and i became what it was, this spiritual creature, and there were more of the same kind and we all of we ran through the night together and i was one of them, the closest i could get.
I'm going to the place where there might be no comin comin back a place somewhere between the rainbow in the sky from that lullaby in my childhood days that i never heard the days it was played but it plays so sweetly these days echoing from a place that was cold and dark but is now done and time rolls on if it rolls. It sure doesn't dance, not for me, time is a chain, link upon link but it isn't something that can be summed up in a straight line like a chain with links, it moves too much like a snake with flexibilty and curls swirls... that might mean with movement it could dance okay. And if time could be erased with only my mentality alone as the one history left in the world that would be a dream come true. I could be be be the world's hero as I recreate all of history's miracles all on my own and people would be dazed in a trance their senses overwhelmed as I teach them about... music and music they never heard never knew because music never was... and I'll build my own instruments and call them my own creations and perform surgeries beyond even todays miracles because there are no miracles today nothing much to
turn
my
head
and
if the storm came, that winter storm that blows a whole city and all of it's inhabitants away I'd stay in one spot with the power of my mind, the power that the forces of the weather can't tango with and I'd save him more beautifully than an Amazon princess because... I could... and it may take months to find our way to the next city in this cold but it's alright cuz you found me and i'm not gonna let either of us die in a place like this not before our relationship goes to the next level, stranger. Not before I get to taste heaven with you and you can find your friends again that blew away out over the frozen ocean in that winter storm, because you shared years with them unspeakable and I wish I knew them. We'll find them again, don't worry. Just stay alive here with me, if we have to eat raw meat its okay as long as we stay... alive here. We'll walk until our muscles fall off in search of life in search of that next city and the cold can't break into our warmth and we'll stay alive through it all.
"Way up north I took my day. All in all was a pretty nice day. I put the hood right back where... you could taste heaven perfectly. Feel out the summer breeze, didn't know when we'd be back and i, I dont know what takes hold, I dont didnt think... we'd end up like... like this."
Why did we ever meet it never came to anything it was like a tortorous tease licking my pain as a flame and reminding me of what i could have what could be if you weren't so... you if you werent so...
It was something something new and different. You know how we all have a great idea of what love feels like what love is and it dont take much to play it on, it dont take much to bring those feelings abot because we are already farmiliar with those feelings in our hearts from the years of growing up with these ideas in our heads so... so when a prospect comes along it isnt hard for our minds to take us away and thats what people call love and thats why it makes me sick and thats why I am above that kind of love and no one ever understands. No one ever understands why I want to eb alone for the rest of my life... because I am above the simple notions that keep us all ticking even beyond love the life most live with the ideas that keep them ticking that tells them they are living a life but its a lie and i hate it and i cant live it so ill sit here alone and im just fucking fine with that. just fine. I wonder how much is manifesation of imagination taking us to fake heights with love with life with love and love and life.our brains trick us our ideas trick us and then then then i met you. It was like a dream things running through my body my soul my heart and not my head not my brain not working with my imaginationand my ideas... not farmiliar. So i didnt know what to make of it because the feelings and the senses were unworldly, and new and natural. It was beautiful. and you never cared. I dont know what that was joe and i dont know what i am to you but if you didnt feel it you are.... and if you felt it and youve been acting this way then you are hopeless, Because i cant forget you... no not you but what i felt that night and it haunts me everywhere i go go go and nothing compares. Did it happen so short ago or was it... a dream. I hoe i meet someone again that makes me feel alive that way as if i am not even of this world on a new plane of existence where its only him and me and me... and him and we can feel centuries worth of thoughts and feeelings as if time is irrelevant and what is more... I hope that he loves me back. One day a few hours was irrelevant okay. beyond our sense of time and the limits inposed by our ideas. I hope he appreciates me and he has what it takes to grab such a thing in his hands and handle it with strength and grace and it wont be a struggle or a fight and it wont be painful or overwhelming, such a unworldy new feeling sensation because es like me, just like me, he can handle such things unlike people living in a chain of time of ideas of layers of history like a iced cake all shaping pretty little clay people that move as beautifully as any shallow wodden puppets would. Will i see him in me too and will i feel him in he like he was always there...i hope there is another out there somewhere and I hope he would love me too. I really hope so....
Say we were running again, running from a group frenzied and wild for our blood cuz me and you we done wrong and we broke the rules of this world and we run into a portal. Its a circle of energy buzzing and flexing and we ran right into it because whatever the hell it is and whatever it offers beyond it is preferable to this world and these monsters chasing us so we run without thinking. We are taken to a world where the energy is so strong that I am brought to my knees and I scream because I can feel all of it... the profound hate and evil and dirty deeds as if a thousand dirty demons of heel were crawling all around me and ripping apart bodies and raping and cutting and torchering and taking and killing and cutting and the noise of their haunting growls and snarls and howls rips my sensitive soul apart and this world i can feel the evil in it it is strong and thick and putrid and i am caught in it immoblized it takes my energy and i am spent my muscles cant move. That is my world but i must represent it as a new world through a portal which we entered, prefering it over.. over.. prefering it over everything weve come to know everything in the world, and it is a world apart from it all that is so different no onecould understand so lets call it a different world, a world of heightened sensitivity my own world yet reacting the the big world around me. But it means feeling and thinking and imagining beautifully incomprehensibly so although i can feel the evil roaring throughout i think well stay. My power consequently is heightened here as well, and I am stronger than i ever was here, with this new world with so much energy buzzing about and different chemical reactions and different composites of things and different air floating around, it all enhances everything i was ever equipped with so that i can soar the skies and cut the stars apart into little showers that sprinkle down and i cna create miracles and follow the evil that runs and hides in its thick portal in hell which noone else can do and cut it all down because i have the power to here, did you know?
And then here i am 22 years old and in 22 short years i feel more advanced than most that have lived full lifetimes but shit that counts for nothing when each year crawls by in waste and i waste away more and more and sangria sweet sangria is no longer an escape for me okay. okay.
http://www.blackgoku.com/anime/berserk/mp3s/gatsu.mp3
Please go there. It will be of more use to you than reading one of my stupid blogs. Open it up in a new window and listen while you read this if it isn't too much to ask... because i have it on repeat on my itunes. Maybe it would help you understand me a bit more.... maybe not. I haven't been on SG for over a month. I haven't been any where outside of my fantasies and my inner workings for over a month. It is the easy way out for a tormented person, to hide away and avoid all pressure and stimulation. But I have been living as if dead. Is that living... when there is millions of worlds outside of my apartment logic tells me it is only right to get caught up in them. But my soul has been in the protective fetal position crying out in a world of silence telling me that there isn't much the outside world has to offer to satisfy me anyway. I opened my window today. It did make me feel alive, it made me want to be a part of the wind at least, and float over and through and between everything as an unknown, unobtrusive substance, free from everything except which direction to go.
I may not graduate now... i have missed more than a month of school. I somehow don't care anymore. The only thing I would regret is not having a source of income to pay for the internet. That is my contact with the outside world, the thread that makes me fit the definition of what an average human should be, because it is my one form of seeking things outside of my own heart and mind... hell I haven't even cared to read anymore. Reading was my obsession, because I wanted to know everything i could know.
It's been a dark place here... yet peaceful. But now that i am here i never want to reintroduce myself to life. I am free but very trapped. I guess I have been a coward, taking the easy way out and hiding from anything that brings me pain. After going through torment every day brought on by a brain that i cannot prevent from overworking itself and a soul that has been twisted and turned and wrenched and blackened every day of my life, even from simple things such as walking down the street due to multiple mental illnesses that crush any chance of ever feeling free, i guess it was like lifting all of that crushing weight to be able to avoid it all.... live as a lifeless robot who didn't really have any thoughts at all and absorbed the silence around me. there was no activity around me to incite pain or panic or feelings of inadequacy or self loathing.... it was just silence. It was an easy escape.
But now what? This world.... is built for money, these days. I seek happiness and freedom, satisfaction... there is not much availible that can bring me that. I have to work for money to be able to enjoy many things that the world has to offer for pleasure, and there isn't much availible that I can find true joy in, and feel like a good person doing. I don't want to do anything to contrbute to tasteless values, materialism, superficiality, or that just holds society down. We are capable of so much yet we are constrained and held back... and kept from enlightenment and knowledge by greedy, greedy people who only live to convince us that we need certain things and need to expose ourselves to certain tings only, all for their own profit. Masterminds that are dirven by money who know exactly how to brianwash people and drive their desires and trains of thought.
I wanted to be an author... or a journalist, or even a campaign designer and promoter for activist causes, or an artist, photographer, musician/composer, anything to contribute something beautiful to the world. But the world gets in my way.... then I get in my way.
But I am rising again, maybe to that place where I can at least dream, that always kept me above the brink of sinking down into darkness. It may be naiive and it may be immature,but my stupid dreams and ideals and hopes are always what kept me from seeing everything around me as something ugly and hopeless, including other people. When I had hopes, everything was beautiful, or at least everything had hidden potential. that's good enough for me. When it seemed like there was no way, i told myself i would make my own way. I never let myself believe that i could not succeed or find happiness in this world. I would find a way to be successful, if it meant fighting, if it meant working night and day, if it meant struggle, I would achieve my goal. I need to get back to that place of foolish schoolgirl hope. It was the only thing i had. Now... I have nothing.
I hd too many enemies in my way all of my life, and they never go away. They haunt me everywhere, telling me I cannot succeed, that there is nothing that i am good for. Those voices of the past echo still..... through the years. I am not trying to look behind me... but still when i look ahead, i can hear them. I don't want to fulfill their prophesies though... I just have lost the will to fight.
Please go there. It will be of more use to you than reading one of my stupid blogs. Open it up in a new window and listen while you read this if it isn't too much to ask... because i have it on repeat on my itunes. Maybe it would help you understand me a bit more.... maybe not. I haven't been on SG for over a month. I haven't been any where outside of my fantasies and my inner workings for over a month. It is the easy way out for a tormented person, to hide away and avoid all pressure and stimulation. But I have been living as if dead. Is that living... when there is millions of worlds outside of my apartment logic tells me it is only right to get caught up in them. But my soul has been in the protective fetal position crying out in a world of silence telling me that there isn't much the outside world has to offer to satisfy me anyway. I opened my window today. It did make me feel alive, it made me want to be a part of the wind at least, and float over and through and between everything as an unknown, unobtrusive substance, free from everything except which direction to go.
I may not graduate now... i have missed more than a month of school. I somehow don't care anymore. The only thing I would regret is not having a source of income to pay for the internet. That is my contact with the outside world, the thread that makes me fit the definition of what an average human should be, because it is my one form of seeking things outside of my own heart and mind... hell I haven't even cared to read anymore. Reading was my obsession, because I wanted to know everything i could know.
It's been a dark place here... yet peaceful. But now that i am here i never want to reintroduce myself to life. I am free but very trapped. I guess I have been a coward, taking the easy way out and hiding from anything that brings me pain. After going through torment every day brought on by a brain that i cannot prevent from overworking itself and a soul that has been twisted and turned and wrenched and blackened every day of my life, even from simple things such as walking down the street due to multiple mental illnesses that crush any chance of ever feeling free, i guess it was like lifting all of that crushing weight to be able to avoid it all.... live as a lifeless robot who didn't really have any thoughts at all and absorbed the silence around me. there was no activity around me to incite pain or panic or feelings of inadequacy or self loathing.... it was just silence. It was an easy escape.
But now what? This world.... is built for money, these days. I seek happiness and freedom, satisfaction... there is not much availible that can bring me that. I have to work for money to be able to enjoy many things that the world has to offer for pleasure, and there isn't much availible that I can find true joy in, and feel like a good person doing. I don't want to do anything to contrbute to tasteless values, materialism, superficiality, or that just holds society down. We are capable of so much yet we are constrained and held back... and kept from enlightenment and knowledge by greedy, greedy people who only live to convince us that we need certain things and need to expose ourselves to certain tings only, all for their own profit. Masterminds that are dirven by money who know exactly how to brianwash people and drive their desires and trains of thought.
I wanted to be an author... or a journalist, or even a campaign designer and promoter for activist causes, or an artist, photographer, musician/composer, anything to contribute something beautiful to the world. But the world gets in my way.... then I get in my way.
But I am rising again, maybe to that place where I can at least dream, that always kept me above the brink of sinking down into darkness. It may be naiive and it may be immature,but my stupid dreams and ideals and hopes are always what kept me from seeing everything around me as something ugly and hopeless, including other people. When I had hopes, everything was beautiful, or at least everything had hidden potential. that's good enough for me. When it seemed like there was no way, i told myself i would make my own way. I never let myself believe that i could not succeed or find happiness in this world. I would find a way to be successful, if it meant fighting, if it meant working night and day, if it meant struggle, I would achieve my goal. I need to get back to that place of foolish schoolgirl hope. It was the only thing i had. Now... I have nothing.
I hd too many enemies in my way all of my life, and they never go away. They haunt me everywhere, telling me I cannot succeed, that there is nothing that i am good for. Those voices of the past echo still..... through the years. I am not trying to look behind me... but still when i look ahead, i can hear them. I don't want to fulfill their prophesies though... I just have lost the will to fight.
AUGUST 2008
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JULY 2008
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JUNE 2008
MAY 2008