So I'm bored one evening and watching this show called The Pet Psychic.

I'm watching this woman tap into the hidden thoughts of dogs, and cats, and other various housepets until one guest brings up her two hamsters for a reading.

Apparently, the two hamsters didn't get along, and their owners wanted to find out the deep emotional distress that must have been the root cause.

The host concentrates for a moment and goes into this long, involved speech about the nuances of how changes in the house have made one hamster feel that the other has been getting preferential treatment and thus the slighted one has been acting out.

While I'm all in favor of people assigning deep intellectual motives to their housepets, we're talking hamsters.

I think if one were able to psychically connect to the innermost thoughts of a hamster, it'd be less Oprah and more "Poop. Food. Fucky. Fucky Fucky. Food. Itchy. Food. Poop. Sleep."

I mean, those are my innermost thoughts 99% of the time, and this lady is telling me a hamster has deeper thoughts than me?

Question of the fortnight: What secret motives have you assigned to your housepets?