I am finishing college, with honours. I am following through with the plan.
I've been accepted to the university that I have always worked towards.
I am organizing the next years of my life so that I can get exactly what I want.
But is this what life is? I feel all I do is try to continuously prove my worth as an intellectual.
And in essence that is wonderful, but in practice I struggle to find the significance.
Maybe I am just worried. Which is understandable. Maybe I am just tired. Which is also understandable.
I feel so distant from everyone. So overwhelmed and consumed by my studies.
I can no longer grasp who I am and what my motivations are.
This semester has brought me tons of opportunities to study what I am interested in,
to enlighten myself in areas that I long to understand.
I did not take that opportunity.
What I long to understand, what I truly need to face is outside of my capability to aproach and deal with.
Through hours of research and analysis I have done nothing to improve my situation.
Maybe that was when I realized that I had lost me.
When I realized that my choices were geared towards grades. What can I do and do good and easily to get those marks that will somehow legitimize my pathetic preoccupations?
For this I am ashamed.
And for much more.
I need to address the core issues soon or I will not last.
I want so much more than a degree. I want a purpose. I want a self.
APR 13, 2009 03:54 PM
APR 13, 2009 04:01 PM
APR 13, 2009 04:08 PM
Congrats on getting in!
APR 14, 2009 05:16 AM
APR 14, 2009 04:11 PM
APR 24, 2009 12:08 PM
wow damn! what a hot new profile pic! girl you are so stunning!
Hope you are having amazing beginning of the weekend
APR 25, 2009 12:30 PM
APR 29, 2009 04:36 PM
go see my blog madame
MAY 03, 2009 12:28 PM
I would say there is no purpose and there is no self. Or at least, the self isn't as important as what people will tell you. Today, it's main purpose is for you to buy things that represent yourself or your 'lifestyle'. But that's not my point.
I don't think you should be ashamed, that's how the system works... if you really are interested in the field that you are studying, go research it yourself on the internet. Read on your own terms, from as many sources as you wish, try not to think of it as school work. Depending on what your field is, you gotta try to figure out how these things show up in real life, how it influences the human being on a day to day basis, or on a long-term basis. School can place things in a really artificial context.
It's also normal that you don't know what you want or what you are, we are pushed so early in life to a carreer in which we don't necessarily find an interest... as soon as you just stop and question yourself, you find it to be so confusing and unmotivating... If you don't find the field of your dreams (which is the case for a whole lot of people) you gotta try to find your interest somewhere else.
Seriously, I would say, read as much as you can, on any subject. Brilliant ideas can't always come from you. You gotta go get them, and the more you'll get ideas from different sources, the more you'll be able to figure out where you stand in all of it. As I said, the self isn't as important as we would think. It isn't all about knowing you by knowing others, but it is a big part of it. Expose yourself to a lot of different things- they'll leave an impression on you. Read books, and go explore the internet- that's what it's there for! Personally, I found it to be a true mind expander.
Cheer up- life is crappy in so many ways, we're lucky for what we have. To me, thinking that life has no purpose has proved it to be liberating. Nothing matters in the end. Don't throw your life away with bad decisions that'll follow you around, but also don't worry too much about living it the perfect way. Do what you want and just fucking have a blast! 
Hope I didn't depress you more...
MAY 04, 2009 12:49 PM
Yeah, sometimes it's just a plain chemical exhaustion/depression...
If you can manage to get back on track after a little while, than that's what counts.
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