Well after much depression and lack of motivation to get out of bed, with my money situation having gone well beyond dire: I finally job.
I went to a couple of interviews for jobs and was offered employment but they really weren't right for me, in that I couldn't have carried on working when school back. But now I have a job doing sales at a photographers and it's quite well paid, the people all seem quite nice and I can work weekends whilst I study.
This has all gone a long way to improving my outlook because I really didn't want to return to my parents begging for food and shelter until the start of next term.
I wonder how much of my life will continue in this vain? And how much money do you need to make in order to live? There's a big difference between living and surviving though. So I guess it's a matter of what motivates you as a person. Myself I've never been too bothered about money, sure I like to have some nice stuff and eat well, but I think for me living is about meeting new people, going places and experiencing new things. I also have other intrests etc but I think one of my biggest fears is not being able to be creative.
Surviving has been hard over the last couple of months and living damn near impossible. I've been pushed to the edge with a combination of school, money and personal issues. It's only now that I've have a week off that I have been able to reflect on some of the things I've done.
I think a new moring is appearing on the horizon as 2004 starts to draw to a close and I sense fear, danger, sadness, joy, success and hope are all yet to come.

End Of Term!!!!!
Got about a month or so off, but I gotta get an xmas job now which more than sux.
Since I last updated I had a performance where I stepped in for someone at the last minute and unfortunately it really showed as alas I butchered 'A Midsummer Nights Dream' but although I was quite crestfallen at the time it didn't take long to get over things and the next morning I bounced back and it was back to business as usual.
Today we had 'Plastic Spoons' which is basically parents evening without the parents. I chance for the tutors to give us some attention in a one on one enviroment. It was a very positive experience and I got some good feedback and on the whole everyone is very pleased with me, so I am quite chuffed by that.

Hello!! I've been busy that's why I haven't been around for a while.
Starting with two weeks ago: With the show impending the pattern of life went as follows - sleep eat rehearse, repeat. The week was broken up however by going to the Pornovurt album launch at Madame JoJo's which totally ruled and left me virtually deaf the next day.
Come Friday and Saturday our show went really well on both performances both on a company and personal level so I was very pleased and very tired.
This week has been getting back into the habit of lessons again after doing non stop rehearsals. Still after a very slow start the week I should imagine we'll be back to full speed when it's time to break for xmas. Before that comes about though I have agreed to help another group out with their show next week, so I been given a Shakespeare script and told I have one rehearsal and the show goes up on Wednesday, so I figure I will be learning that tomorrow.
This evening I have also been doing auditions for people joining the school next year, which is really odd because you see people do things in auditions and you think "I did that in my audition and now, knowing what I know, I'd never do it again in a million years"
Anyway this six day weeks are killing me so I will be looking forward to a well earned rest in a week and a halfs time (although I will need to look for paid employment).

note for Amanda: I will put the pics up when I get them, they're being send to my mum and dad first so don't expect them until after xmas.

What a half term week! It totally rocked.
I started out chilling out and enjoying the slower pace of life with my parents and having drinks with an old friend.
Thursday really saw things kick off when I went to my graduation in Cheltenham. It was a nice ceromony and I saw all my old friends from uni and got to see Vicky graduate: well done honey
That night I went out with the band of locals that I know to Cheltenhams regular Thursday night of rock. Not only did I know almost everyone in the club but I met a very nice girl who caught my eye that evening and then wispered in my ear 'I have a spare ticket to see Placebo at Wembley tomorrow'. So after a rather rough night on a friends sofa I was off to Wembley. Placebo were awesome and drew quite a diverse crowd. It really tipped it over the top for me tho when Robert Smith joined them on stage for 'Without You I'm Nothing' and a cover of 'Boys Don't Cry'. I had to laugh though as some of the mini goths at Wembley were like 'Who the hells that?' as Smith took the stage. I was so excited I nearly cried. Sad really.
Anyway Saturday: myself and ladyfriend took in Camden Town as she'd never been there before. We took in more of London as well as getting in a ruck with some gippo's in The Ship.
A DVD and some telly watching rounded out a proper good week.
Back to the grindstone tomorrow.

Last week: The in-fighting and bitching reached boiling point and ended with one girl being dumped out of our production. A shame really as she was a lovely little thing and I didn't have a bad thing to say about her on a personal level but that's the nature of the beast and the rest of the company can't carry a dead weight. For me last week was one of the best tho and I seemed to really be in tune and clicking with the work and was able to stand back and watch as all the fireworks went off in front of my face.
On Halloween I went to Madame JoJo's in Soho to the Black Mass event being run by Salvation Films, Rule Satannia Magazine, and the Church of Satan. It was a blast! I finally got to meet Perversia and Wrathchild and got to see (albeit briefly) former SG and old friend Nixxx who is a member of the Satanic Sluts who were shaking some awesome live booty.
This week: I'm on half term and holed up in the sticks with my folks, going out in Cheltenham on Thurday which should be cool as loads of my old mates are turning out to see me. I've filled up my time in the countryside by eating home made cooking and catching up on some reading and refilling my parents home with the sounds of Slipknot. Sigh. The more things change, the more somethings will always stay the same

Lot's of line learning has been going on over the past week, with our (not so) end of term production in full rehearsal the need for line learning has been greatly on the mind of everyone. Everything needs to have everything learnt for this tuesday but I don't think that's going to be a problem.

My own week was once again riddled with ups and downs, the principle had a word with me on Wednesday and said how I always brought my performance back to being about me although he didn't really justify his statement with a comprehensive argument so I'm really none the wiser as to what he was on about.

Elsewhere the group dynamic is really being to show cracks now as the pressure is piled on, there were yet more tears and tantrums this week but still we all survive this process.

Couple of things to look forward to this week though: On Wednesday my Dad and Uncle are coming up for the big Saff London derby between Charlton and Palarse. Also this is the final week before half term, a whole week off when I'm planing to go and see my family, have my graduation ceremony and go out in Cheltenham and catch up with some old friends.

I've been inside too long, I'm starting to feel peculiar - That's what I said on Thursday and was almost totally barking mad by Friday evening. It was a slow week to start with, I had to be getting over my cold so I spent a lot of time watching and not joining in with stuff which is okay to a point and then you just get even more bummed out about being ill. Although I did discover when watching my peers in ballet that it's a far more enjoyable art form when performed to Slayer (I love my iPod). As the week when on I got better and started to enjoy my time again. I also got to go home early to see the England game on Wednesday because I hadn't learnt my speech on account of me being bed ridden last weekend.
This weekend has been a good'n though, I got up on Saturday and decided to go for a really long walk before meeting up with Vickie, Neonkick, Tyler and her fella for drinks and food in Camden Town, I then had a nice evening into myself. I spoke to the ex for nearly 3 hours cos I'm still really missing her :-(
Sunday, my Dad came up to London and we went out for lunch before footie. Now I'm just washing my acting cloths ready for action.

I'm fucking ill Ands it's really just a nuisance because I'm really busy.
So last week then, well it was a mixed batch really. For the first half of the week I was having a hard time finding the truth in my characters so I started to compensate and ended up looking like I was acting. But towards the end of the week I really felt as if I was starting to find my feet again.
I have such a lot of mental noise in my head at the moment that sleeping has been quite hard work and I feel fucking knackered, which is probably why I'm ill.
We had a 'get to know everyone in the school' night on Saturday, and as I was applying my eyeliner for the evening I thought, 'you know, no one is going to appreciate what a pretty goth I am'. In fact I want to know how many goth actors there have ever been if any. Anyway I left about 11.30 totally hacked off with the music and bouncyness of my peers. Really I love them to death but I gotta take a time out at the weekend to grind out my brain.
I leave you with a quote "I push my fingers into my eyes, it's the only thing that slowly stops the ache, but's made of all the things I have to take, jesus it never ends and works it's way inside, if the pain goes on: I'm not gonna make it."

I thought I'd change my pic to something a bit more redneck for a laugh
One of the things about being an actor is that you have to be a blank canvas which means no visuable body mods and also I can't have a completly wayward look. I miss being a uni when I looked "gother than thou" but now I have to reign it in
So another week gone and I must admit I had a pretty poor week, I found it difficult to focus for some periods and was getting some stick off my tutors. This was justified in the begining of the week but then I continued to get stick into Thursday until it got to point I was like "get off my dick". Friday saw a bust up in our group and words were hurled across the theatre, I was pretty neutral in the arguement although I could identify the guilty party.
This weekend I got to go and see my Mum and Dad cos it was my Mum's 50th Bday and we all went to see my cousins play in a 'brass band last night of the proms' which was fun waving our union flags and singing 'Land Of Hope And Glory'. After that all our family piled around our house as oft time before. I also got to see my best friend Adam who's been in Canada working in the Winepeg hospital for 3 months so it was nice to have him home if only for me to lay my tale of sorrow and woe upon him. Seriously even the seemingly strongest of us need a shoulder to cry on.
Today I woke up and felt due to the mix of drinks I consumed on Sat but I felt better after a trip to Tesco and a round of golf with my dad before returning to London.
Back to the grind stone.

Went to Slimelights last night with a funky group of peeps and crawled in about 5.30 having had a good time, so to everyone there. Respect.

There was no let up on the drama front this week as the lessons keep coming thick and fast. I've never had so many lines to learn from so many different things at one time, I feel like I'm coughing up Chekhov and shitting out Shakespeare. I'm getting to know alot more about my peers now and where there strengths and weaknesses lie, god knows we all have them otherwise we wouldn't be doing the course right? For me my biggest weakness is dancing and I thought it a complement when the dance teacher called me "An unstoppable thashing machine" but it not really the kind of thing you want to hear when trying to attempt ballet.
After two weeks of stage combat lessons one of my peers still managed to give me a right hook in an improv session which was ok until she stopped to ask if I was okay. I've taken quite a few worse bumps in the line of acting I can tell you.

I'm still quite concerned as to my money situation because I don't have any coming in because The Man won't give you any money to do a Post Graduate course so if anyone knows of any evening work that doesn't suck too much going in London then could you give a shout or for anyone whos done a PG course to let me know how they survived.

London is still lonely although I'm becoming tighter with the guys off my course and of them even came to see the Cardiff Devils play against London on Friday night. That said when I leave my new pub and the sun goes down, I get the sense of being cut off and I know that this years going to be tough on me. I still feel I made the right choice in coming here to launch my career but I can't help but feeling regret for a whole bunch of choices I made between uni's end and now.