Actually set foot in the forums... boards... whatever today, when I discovered friend Saraphine was gone. Then I noticed Salome was gone too. She may have blocked me over the Nana thing, but I still liked her, dammit.

Apparently they, and a bunch of girls like them, have been kicked out for comments made about the whole second chance thing. I'm assuming that's what it is because those seem to be the last comments they made before they got the boot. Unless there's a clause in the legal contract that says "thou shalt not speak ill of thy masters" this smells of total bullshit. And if the contract does have such a clause, it's just another brand of bullshit. Flaming bullshit from hell-cows of some sort, because smeg knows the devil's in the fine print.

Over the last couple of years, my rating of the website went from top to bottom. I always told myself if it went any further I'd quit. A part of me feels hypocritical for staying this long in the first place. Now I'm seriously considering canceling my account again.

There's one last thing I should do before I leave, and I suspect I haven't done it yet on purpose. (Sorry Noir. I'll get around to it, I swear. Just... not now.)

Urgh... coming down off the caramel shortcake overdose... and pissed off at the Romulans... we had a friendship treaty, things were going well... and then just because I stop sharing the Takarans with them, they declare war on me. Pointy-eared pussies, cry me a river. The irony is, they were always my favourite race to play, but only the Federation has the really shiny ships. Someday I'll get past tech 3 without giving up...

Anyhoo, I've turned around on the child aspect of Nana's... whole thing, really. If she's into everything that sickens Joe Normal, I shouldn't be surprised that she'd be pro-paedophilia. (Yes, spelt with an a you new world philistines.) The fact that she really does have tits does not detract from what she is attempting to portray, and it's got me thinking about the whole thing.

Between my time in hell and the time my mother died, there was this cute little blonde girl who had a crush on me and wanted to give me a blowjob. What was she, six? Eight? I'm not a good judge. Regardless, I declined; but the worst part of me, the monster, always regretted that decision. It left me wondering what I'm capable of. I've watched three little girls splashing around in the bathtub and it did nothing for me, so where the frel was I getting these ideas? When I turned that girl down, was I being a good person or just not a bad one?

I don't associate naked little girls with sex the same way I do naked women. Sure, there are some curves, but they're not the curves. Is it a question of working your way down the ladder of perversity, like going from intercourse to oral to anal? Soft porn, hard porn, kiddie porn? If you'll do anything to anything, a child is probably the furthest you can go. I've got my lesbian incest fantasies, but there tends to be at least two pairs of breasts involved. Meanwhile, I still find that T-shirt which reads "Is it still paedophilia of the kid's dead?" amusing.

*sigh*

Maybe I'd have a better understanding of sexuality if I went out and had some. This can't be just me taking a break anymore. I'm probably addicted to the computer or internet or something. I'd rather spend the evening killing ogres and the father of all gronn than going out and meeting people; even if there is a chance they turn out to be quite nice.

More girls leaving. Noticed London left. Others, or saying they're going to. What else is new, right, but still. I think the only reason I've stayed this long is because it's so cheap and there are still one or three people I like to talk to around here.

If I'm supposed to be keeping some sort of mental balance, I doubt hanging around here is helping. The sad thing is, it's still down to human beings acting like total smegheads. Can't I marry a robot already?

Here we go.

I like Nazis. They make great villains. It's always fun to watch Indiana Jones kick their ass and foil their plans. That's all they were while I was growing up, movie villains. Noone ever explained the holocaust to me. Even in school, we never went past the first great war. Schindler's List was my teacher, and I think I should have been taught sooner.

So of course now I know better, and slaughtering terrified Nazis in Bloodrayne had a sort of kharmic justice element. Watching a stormtrooper run around screaming because I just took his arm off remains one of the most entertaining moments of my gaming experience. It's right up there with the first time I ever got to blast TIE fighters.

I never got the impression that Nana was a Neo-Nazi. I never got the sense that she was promoting a Nazi agenda; or that she hated anyone, let alone Jews; or that she was talent-spotting for the Fourth Reich. Maybe it's just because she just couldn't talk about it here. Despite that, she was open and honest about her Nazi fetish from the start. I don't really get it, but I am aware that Hitler once employed a good tailor, and that people with dark tastes get off on wearing the uniforms.

Nana explained that the Nazi pin was symbolic of... decadence and debauchery, was it? I didn't know it's history or Nazi association until someone pointed it out, but it didn't surprise me. I think people were so quick to complain that they never tried to figure out why it was included, but as I was falling asleep last night I think I figured it out: she was wearing it from the start. She was already decadent and debauched. If she hadn't been drugged it wouldn't have been rape, and her only regret afterwards is that she didn't get to enjoy the experience. It's a play on the whole rape fantasy thing.

I consider the reaction to the Nazi emblem to be a knee-jerk reaction.

Whenever someone made a reference to the child aspect I wanted to reply with "Look, tits!" I'd rather see a slut dress up as a little girl than a little girl dress up as a slut. Unfortunately, I don't get much choice when I go out in public - some parents really deserve to be smacked over the head - but that wasn't even what Nana was doing. The dress was a reference to some Japanese movie I've never seen; and as I understand it, that girl had tits too. In my book, fucking children involves preteens, and that wasn't it. Jailbait, definitely, but I don't think anyone can accuse her of advocating paedophilia.

It's all about the 'rape.'

I have never been sexually assaulted or raped. The worst I ever got was a wire coat-hanger across my ass for... I forget, something involving rollerskates after dark. I can only guess how traumatic the experience can be, at whatever age. I'm tempted to join that group someone mentioned, rape survivors or something, so I can get a better perspective on it... but not having gone through it myself, I automatically doubt I'd be allowed to join.

It surprises me that rape victims would, later on, get naked on the internet; or associate with girls who do. I wonder why, and the only answer I've come up with is this: something was taken away from them, and now they're getting it back.

So, we come back to the ill-fated set. Why was I not offended by it? Because I've never been raped? Because I already knew it was Nana's fantasy? Because I'm a colossal pervert? I'm still not sure, so I'm inclined to think it's all of the above. I'm not going to apologise to everyone that was offended, for not being offended myself. But I understand why those who automatically found the implied rape offensive, were offended.

I saved my favourite shots from the set when I began to suspect that SG would lose too much money if they didn't pull it. Looking at it now, I'm not seeing what the 'after' sequence has to do with the 'before.' I'm starting to agree with whoever first suggested that leaving out the first dozen shots might have been a good idea. I wonder if that would have been considered art. The photography itself certainly didn't suck.

Nana was one of the most gorgeous girls on this site. She has her fetishes and fantasies and faults, as do we all. She fulfilled something personal shooting the set, which is fine; it was shared with us here, which apparently is not.

SG bought the set. They put it up. They didn't include a warning. They didn't edit it. Someone should probably be fired for not doing their job properly. And now the set is gone... I don't call it censorship. I call it trying to avoid getting sued for emotional damage.

In the end I guess I'm against the set. But I'm not against Nana.

While bringing together my thoughts on Nana's latest set, I once again become aware of the various distinct voices in my head. There are four of them... or three and one whose presence is usually only felt rather than heard.

There's the gentleman. Old-fashioned guy, top hat and tails, pocketwatch (which is in my jeans pocket right now, just without the chain), monacle... he'd have a moustache too, if only I could grow a decent one. He keeps me in check. For instance, when some drunk parked their car in my front garden monday night, he made sure I didn't consider smashing it up until after said drunk had got back into it and driven off.

Then there's the mischievous imp. He looks almost exactly like the ones in World of Warcraft, except instead of being a little whiner whenever you talk to him, he laughs his head off. I'm not sure what colour he is, though... he's a sneaky little bastard. His ideas can rub some people the wrong way, but sometimes his influence is too strong for me to care, because I don't think I should care what other people think. I don't want to be a character in a Jane Austin novel. This is where the rebel in me resides.

There's also the monster. It was born out of hate, directed at fellow students, my father, and finally my mother. Things went completely off the rails when it got to my mother, and it wasn't really her fault. Still, two years in hell feel like two hundred, and you don't come back from that unscathed. After she finally died was the worst. The monster almost had free reign, but I eventually regained the balance. Too late to save some things, but that's the nature of mistakes. The monster and I remain similiar in appearance, except that it's an obtenebrating Lasombra, often in the grip of frenzy. (That's a Vampire: the Masquerade reference. I imagined the shadowstep discipline before I'd even heard of V:tM.)

Last and - according to some - not least, there's the nerd. He kinda hums along in the background. He's why I finally decided to start buying Star Trek TNG DVDs yesterday, among other things. He's exactly like me, except he's in a perpetual state of needing to eat, sleep and bathe. He's probably also the source of most of my obsessive compulsive behaviour.

Here are their thoughts on the set:

Gentleman: Oh. Oh! Oh dear...
Imp: HAHAHAAAH! Look at the wonderful mess she's started!
Monster: My perfect girlfriend... except with tits. But having a couple extra body parts to suck on isn't a bad thing.
Nerd: Ooh, Nana's getting naked again. *fwap* *fwap* *fwap*

To be honest, I haven't jerked off to a set since Evette and Posh got cuddly together. Perhaps I've been here long enough for it all to become standard fare. Perhaps it's mostly become standard fare. Then something like this happens, and people either love it or hate with little room in between...

I had more to say, but I've just noticed the set has been pulled. I think I'll wait.

Edited to add my comment in the set, for posterity or something:

Hm, now I see what all the fuss is about. I'll have to think about a decent and thorough response, which I probably won't post here. In that regard, Nana, thank you for making me think. Bitch.

Not sure set comments is the place for a discussion about the set. There's probably a reason why lovers' comments go here, haters' comments go to the SG masters.

Speaking of whom. I've been skimming through the first pages and I saw a lot of black names, and apparently there's been some editing tomfoolery going on as well. Setting aside the content of the set itself, I hope that the Powers That Be are not taking advantage of Nana's honest perversity to stir shit up.

Tonight's culinary experiment:

Boil a dozen new potatoes with a sprinkling of salt and rosemary. Cut a few slices of honey roast ham lengthwise into strips. When the potatoes are soft enough, drain through a siv and roll them around so the rosemary gets all over them. Wrap each in a strip of ham while they're still hot enough to burn your fingers.

Put them on a plate, take them to the computer, eat them while browsing the web, then post a journal about culinary experiments that are probably not worth the time they took to do and go have a bowl of cereal instead.

*goes to get bowl of cereal*

In all fairness, rosemary tends to be the only thing I put on... well, anything. Usually I'd just put it on lamb. Sometimes I use ginger, for some reason. In any case, remembering Otik's spicy potatoes from the Inn of the Last Home in the Dragonlance Chronicles by Weiss & Hickman, I figured I'd try putting the rosemary on the potatoes instead. Somehow I don't think powdered ginger would fare so well in boiling water, for some reason...

In any case, while the potatoes have some extra flavour to them, I don't think rosemary is the key to Otik's recipe. Rosemary and ginger are the only herbs I've ever bought, because I don't use these things often enough and they spoil before I'm halfway through them. But any advice people have on how to make potatoes genuinely spicy would be appreciated.

And pears. I think I should do something with pears... something involving honey? I can't recall.

Flash movie quality does not do the video justice. Find it. Download it.

In the past, when I went to London, I'd pick a tube station and go to it before surfacing and wandering around. This was my version of exploring. I'd get myself lost, then find myself. This worked mostly because I was well fed and had all day.

Today I tried to do that again, but this time I was looking for the tattoo convention. I didn't expect to get to Liverpool St. so late, so I should have considered that exploring until I find the place might be a waste of time. This soon became secondary as the walk completely wiped me out and I decided it was simply too late and went back home.

For the last few years I've been eating like a guy who spends most of his time at the computer. Sure, I walk or rollerblade to Sainsbury's every day just to get a little exercise, get out of the house, and more often than not get lunch (their chicken salad baguettes are bloody delicious). But nothing beats a damn fine slab of red meat with some green stuff next to it, dripping in said meat's juices. I used to do that quite often. These days I only ever use the frying pan to warm up the pasta sauce.

The only real consequences of this that I can tell are that I never lost my tat virginity, and never got to meet Nena. I'm more disappointed by the latter. She's entirely lickable.

However, as I walked, I came across a girl that had to restrain herself from laughing when she read my shirt. So at least I accomplished something.



Edited the morning after to add: ...

Sore, sore, sore
My body is so sore,
I walked around all afternoon
Oblivious to the morrow's doom,
Sore, sore, sore,
Today I walk no more.

And if anyone figures out what the tune to that is from, they can get themselves a double choc chip cookie and imagine I bought it for them.

Coroa da Veiga, I call it. It's part of a larger design, a family thing. I think a silhouette of this crown - aside from the red diamonds, of course - would look good on my right shoulder. If I go to the convention in London this Friday, perhaps I will get it done.

Aaand I've just pulled something in my neck. Fucking ouch, I'm getting old.

Oh crap, it's already October.

I think the tenth anniversary of my mother's death is in the next few days. Perhaps it's about time I stopped slacking and got some serious shit done. Preferably before I try to write fifty thousand words in November.

This weather sucks. I have enough difficulty leaving the house without the cold and the rain. Blegh. I've started using Noir's old hairdryer to warm up the bed before I get into it. When winter kicks in, nothing less than the hot water bottle teddy bear will do. One of the things I should get done is maintainance on the heater; it can do water just fine, but for some reason the pressure freaks if I try to heat the house for more than twenty minutes at a time.

Feeling terribly boring lately. Maybe I'll go to that tattoo convention in London this Friday, maybe make out with Nena for a while. If I can get myself out the damn door.

Edited to add: Warming up to the whole tattoo idea. For a while now I've had this idea for my left shoulder; but given the timing, I've come up with something I could do on the right that's much smaller. Something I could lose my tat virginity for.

Star Trek has not had the best of luck when it came to computer games. Despite their number over the past... what, two or three decades? Anyway, most Star Trek games ranged from merely passable to gods-awful. The only consistent trait was that the voice actors involved were often joined by the actors from... whichever Star Trek show the game was about.

Back in the days of Windows 98, Microprose brought out a Star Trek game called Birth of the Federation. As a turn-based strategy game, it was pretty much the only one ever developed that had any solid replay value. It is, in my opinion, the best Star Trek game ever made. (This is my opinion because first person shooters rarely grab me. I am aware that many believe those Voyager-based games kick ass.)

Alas, BotF does not work properly on XP. Even with the patch, it tends to freeze up at random intervals, rendering obsolete the occasional urge to bring peace to the galaxy as the Federation, conqour it as the Klingons, or help it realize that I should be in charge as the Romulans. (The Ferengi and Cardassians rarely held my interest for more than fifty turns a game.)

A few days ago I found Birth of the Empires. The games discussed on the website are being made entirely by players that happen to know how to code. So far, they've been doing a damn fine job. I just played this thing through the night without noticing, and it's still only in the alpha stage. Many of the things that bugged me about Microprose's original have been updated or wiped where appropriate.

For most of my life, Star Trek and Star Wars have sat on each oend of a seesaw, and one has held my attention far more than the other. I suspect Trek is on the rise once more.