Here is my bio. Needless to say I have had a rough life. Growing up my mother thought it was funny to sit on my head till I passed out. I could never do anything right for her. My sister would help her by holding me down while she beat me, my sister thought it was funny.
When I was 13 I became a sex slave to my neighbor. He would loan me out to his friends for a price. He branded his initials into my skin, he would beat me regularly. My parents never payed attention they just thought I was a trouble maker and got into a lot of fights. I was trained to please men and be used by them because of him and his friends. About two months before my 17th birthday he finally stopped and decided he was done with me as he said. The next year was spent drinking, and doing drugs and several failed attempts at suicide. I started cutting myself when the drinking and drugs weren't helping the pain and shame anymore. When I hit 18 I decided to go a little bit more out of it. I thought I am free I can do whatever I want without anyone telling me what to do and controlling me. I get to pick who I fuck and when. So I did porn, which turned out to be another way to be used by men. So then I became a stripper that was just as bad.
At 21 I got married to a guy that verbally abused me. He loved to put me down in front of his friends and at home it was worse. I was a disgusting piece of shit that was just thier to fuck him when he wanted and to cook and clean for him.
Also at 21 the doctors told me that I had a bowling ball size tumor on my ovary. They removed it and my ovary and the other one is damaged. I can not have kids. I was told if by some small chance I do get pregnant either the baby or I will not make it to birth.
I got a divorce and moved on to more guys that just want to use me for sex and throw me away. I am trying to get past the thoughts in my head. the thoughts that were drilled in that I am only here for one thing to please and serve men.
I am a second degree black belt, a kickboxer. I am a very proud wiccan, and no i am not a devil worshipper. Get over yourself and do some research if you are that ignorant that you think that is what a wiccan is.
I am very open minded and opinionated. Things that make me happy are tattoos and dyeing my hair bright colors. And my cats, cats yes I am a wiccan. lol that actually has nothing to do with me having cats.
When I was 13 I became a sex slave to my neighbor. He would loan me out to his friends for a price. He branded his initials into my skin, he would beat me regularly. My parents never payed attention they just thought I was a trouble maker and got into a lot of fights. I was trained to please men and be used by them because of him and his friends. About two months before my 17th birthday he finally stopped and decided he was done with me as he said. The next year was spent drinking, and doing drugs and several failed attempts at suicide. I started cutting myself when the drinking and drugs weren't helping the pain and shame anymore. When I hit 18 I decided to go a little bit more out of it. I thought I am free I can do whatever I want without anyone telling me what to do and controlling me. I get to pick who I fuck and when. So I did porn, which turned out to be another way to be used by men. So then I became a stripper that was just as bad.
At 21 I got married to a guy that verbally abused me. He loved to put me down in front of his friends and at home it was worse. I was a disgusting piece of shit that was just thier to fuck him when he wanted and to cook and clean for him.
Also at 21 the doctors told me that I had a bowling ball size tumor on my ovary. They removed it and my ovary and the other one is damaged. I can not have kids. I was told if by some small chance I do get pregnant either the baby or I will not make it to birth.
I got a divorce and moved on to more guys that just want to use me for sex and throw me away. I am trying to get past the thoughts in my head. the thoughts that were drilled in that I am only here for one thing to please and serve men.
I am a second degree black belt, a kickboxer. I am a very proud wiccan, and no i am not a devil worshipper. Get over yourself and do some research if you are that ignorant that you think that is what a wiccan is.
I am very open minded and opinionated. Things that make me happy are tattoos and dyeing my hair bright colors. And my cats, cats yes I am a wiccan. lol that actually has nothing to do with me having cats.
O look another rant from me. Maybe I should just give up on guys I swear. I am not ashamed of what I do for a living. I am a phone sex operator and a cam girl. But as soon as I tell most guys that, all I hear is can I get a free show, or give me your real number and we can phone sex on thier. Are you fucking kidding me? I have to pay my bills. I don't come to your job and ask for free shit. So why do you ask for free shit from me? Maybe I am looking in the wrong places?
I am tired of being fucking used. I dont want to be used and thrown away like a paper plate. Yeah I want to fuck, I am a damn nympho. But that doesn't mean, I don't have feelings and that you should treat me like shit.
So what the fuck am I doing wrong?
I want a guy to fuck me like the pornstar James Deen, and damn that guy knows how to FUCK. When we are fucking yes I want it buck wild, shove me to my knees and then shove your cock down my throat, pull my hair, slap my ass, bite me, hold me down to the bed while you slam your cock into me.
But when you are not fucking me, I want to be treated nice. Someone who actually wants to spend time with me. NOT call spending time with me us sitting in the same room while you play your fucking game and ignore me. Watch tv with me, dont make fun of me because I like Doctor Who or anything scifi or because I read comics and graphic novels. Don't degrade me in front of company. I want to be treated nice.
IS THAT SO FUCKING MUCH TO ASK FOR?
I am tired of being fucking used. I dont want to be used and thrown away like a paper plate. Yeah I want to fuck, I am a damn nympho. But that doesn't mean, I don't have feelings and that you should treat me like shit.
So what the fuck am I doing wrong?
I want a guy to fuck me like the pornstar James Deen, and damn that guy knows how to FUCK. When we are fucking yes I want it buck wild, shove me to my knees and then shove your cock down my throat, pull my hair, slap my ass, bite me, hold me down to the bed while you slam your cock into me.
But when you are not fucking me, I want to be treated nice. Someone who actually wants to spend time with me. NOT call spending time with me us sitting in the same room while you play your fucking game and ignore me. Watch tv with me, dont make fun of me because I like Doctor Who or anything scifi or because I read comics and graphic novels. Don't degrade me in front of company. I want to be treated nice.
IS THAT SO FUCKING MUCH TO ASK FOR?
I always fall for it. I slept with the guy and apparently I shouldn't have. I was just used for sex, thats it. Now I am nothing. And he wants nothing to do with me. Did I put out to soon was that the problem? I gave up on sex and guys for a couple of months. Because the last guy I was with, he was a loser and cheated on me. The guy before that my husband of 5 years. Treated me like shit, and also cheated on me. Maybe I should just stay hidden from the world. They tell me what they think I want to hear, to make me feel special, until they get what they want.
I am so tired of being used. I just don't know how much more I can take.
I am so tired of being used. I just don't know how much more I can take.
So I went on a date last night for the first time in a couple of months. Let me say it was the best first date I have ever been on. It was a good date, But it was the after that was the best. He came over about 10pm. We fucked till about 4am. It was awesome. The only problem was my roomates kept complaining that we were to loud. So yeah I was a bitch and told them to put headphones on. You can only be so quiet.
And I thought I'd share some new pictures with you that I took on my phone.
And I thought I'd share some new pictures with you that I took on my phone.
On Sunday I went to a BBQ. I had a little to much to drink, and some asshole decided that was the time to take advantage of the situation. He kept trying to pull me off behind the fence. I tried to get away, I even went inside. He of course followed me around and kept pushing me up against stuff and kissing me.
The host then called me a whore. It doesn't matter if I was fucking flirting with the guy or not. NO MEANS FUCKING NO. The host said you should have walked away. I tried and I was trying to stay away from him.
I am glad the hosts wife saw everything.
So now I have been kicking myself thinking well maybe if I shouldn't have lead him on. But then I tell myself no that I did nothing wrong. He was in the wrong for trying to fuck a girl while she was drunk and after she said no.
But nothing ended up happening, it was all a bunch of military guys. Guys that my roommate works with. He said that guy is so lucky that he is on leave for a month. Or he would have kicked the guys ass the next day at work. That could fuck up my roommates career.
Maybe I should just stay away from military guys. Its not like I planned to hook up with nothing but military guys. But I am living in a military town. So it just kind of happened that way.
The host then called me a whore. It doesn't matter if I was fucking flirting with the guy or not. NO MEANS FUCKING NO. The host said you should have walked away. I tried and I was trying to stay away from him.
I am glad the hosts wife saw everything.
So now I have been kicking myself thinking well maybe if I shouldn't have lead him on. But then I tell myself no that I did nothing wrong. He was in the wrong for trying to fuck a girl while she was drunk and after she said no.
But nothing ended up happening, it was all a bunch of military guys. Guys that my roommate works with. He said that guy is so lucky that he is on leave for a month. Or he would have kicked the guys ass the next day at work. That could fuck up my roommates career.
Maybe I should just stay away from military guys. Its not like I planned to hook up with nothing but military guys. But I am living in a military town. So it just kind of happened that way.
So while I was waiting for my appointment online, I took these with my webcam playing around and thought I would share with you all. I don;t know if I can fit them all on the blog. So check for a folder called work in my pictures. Yes go find the folder the rest are thier. Enjoy
People really piss me off sometimes. We can not get a Christmas tree because we have little kittens, they would climb it and rip all the stuff off of the tree. So I went to the dollar store bought some cheap lights, some ribbon, and a big bow for the topper. I decided to make a Christmas tree on the wall. I thought it was a cool idea. But no Mrs. Personality and head boss of the house a.k.a. my roommate didn't like it. "I'm sorry she said "It is hard for me to care ever since my mom died". Her mom died 11 years ago, mine died 5 years ago and mine died on mothers day, while I was stuck in Germany, I didn't get to go to her funeral.
If it was my roommates idea, it would have happened. When things come up that a hard for me because my mom died she says "well you just need to deal with it and get over it you can not live in the past". But, I try to say that to her and she throws a fucking fit and says that she never said that to me and its different. Of course its different if it involves her.
So I packed all the stuff up that I bought and said, "Fine, I will just put it up in my room." She says, " O yeah be immature,"
Seriously, what the fuck. I just can't win with her. I am bipolar and have been off my meds for about 6 months. So I am very much off my rocker. So when I feel an episode coming on or a bad day brewing. I stay in my room, well I must be pouting about something according to her. But, if I come out of my room and end up snapping at her I should have just stayed in my room.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?
If its not her way, it must be wrong, if its not her idea, its not a good idea. I have had it that I want to scream at the top of my lungs. You say anything to her about it and she says she does all the cleaning and cooking and everything in the house and no one thanks her. again ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? She barely leaves her bed. Her husband and I do all the cooking and cleaning. GGGGGRRRRR.
Then she yells that her back hurts so much, maybe its because you never leave the bed. DUH?
If it was my roommates idea, it would have happened. When things come up that a hard for me because my mom died she says "well you just need to deal with it and get over it you can not live in the past". But, I try to say that to her and she throws a fucking fit and says that she never said that to me and its different. Of course its different if it involves her.
So I packed all the stuff up that I bought and said, "Fine, I will just put it up in my room." She says, " O yeah be immature,"
Seriously, what the fuck. I just can't win with her. I am bipolar and have been off my meds for about 6 months. So I am very much off my rocker. So when I feel an episode coming on or a bad day brewing. I stay in my room, well I must be pouting about something according to her. But, if I come out of my room and end up snapping at her I should have just stayed in my room.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?
If its not her way, it must be wrong, if its not her idea, its not a good idea. I have had it that I want to scream at the top of my lungs. You say anything to her about it and she says she does all the cleaning and cooking and everything in the house and no one thanks her. again ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? She barely leaves her bed. Her husband and I do all the cooking and cleaning. GGGGGRRRRR.
Then she yells that her back hurts so much, maybe its because you never leave the bed. DUH?
Alright so after four years of trying to go pink on here. I am done, I got rid of my hopeful status. I am just going to be as normal girl on here. And not try to be a suicidegirl. It is just not meant to be. But I will still be on here and I will still post pics up. Just not for suicidegirls. But for myself, and the people on here that like my pictures.
So my husband got kicked out of the army we are getting a divorce and I no longer have any of my meds. They are completely out of my system, I also have no insurance anymore. I am at my last nerve, I can't find a job in this town. They don't like that I have tattoos, I do not drive my roommate has to take me everywhere. I have a big panic attack every time I try to drive. I am screaming inside my head, just one cut it will make it all feel better. Yes I am also a cutter, and yes cutting does make it feel better for that moment. I do not want to cut anymore I know thier are other ways. I need help I can't stand it, I can't take it anymore. All I do is cry anymore it seems.
I do not hide my scars, I am not ashamed of them. And NO I do not do it for attention.
I have thought about suicide over the past months. I am just so tired of the pain, and fear. But thats it, just thoughts. I do not have the urge I guess you would say to kill myself. It is just thoughts in my head.
I just do not know what to do anymore.
And do not post Do not kill yourself you have more to live for comments please. Because if you actually did read my blog it clearly states. That it is just thought that I do not actually want to go through with it.
I do not hide my scars, I am not ashamed of them. And NO I do not do it for attention.
I have thought about suicide over the past months. I am just so tired of the pain, and fear. But thats it, just thoughts. I do not have the urge I guess you would say to kill myself. It is just thoughts in my head.
I just do not know what to do anymore.
And do not post Do not kill yourself you have more to live for comments please. Because if you actually did read my blog it clearly states. That it is just thought that I do not actually want to go through with it.
