So it's been 2 days short of 6 weeks since i broke my finger and the fucking thing still doesn't want to bend more than a few degrees. The general swelling has gone down but the knuckle closest to the break is still very swollen. I'm concerned about permanent movement loss and/or pain. I took the brace off earlier this week in hopes that i just have to work it back into shape after more than a month of immobilization. Still no progress....i'm seeing a doctor a week from today. I'm hoping it's healing normally, but the pessimist in me is screaming "YOUR FINGER IS FUCKED FOR LIFE". I had a legitimate thought process today that i should just chop the fucker off so i can make a fist again and go back to the martial arts classes that keep me from going into flip-out mode and shoving a frisbee down the throat of the ass-munches that i get to deal with at work. A woman told me that i shouldn't be working in a food service job with "that unsanitary thing" on my finger.........apparently "I touch your steak with this brace about as much as i dip my balls in your salad dressing" wasn't the response she wanted to hear.

I'm sick of hearing the anal fingering gone bad jokes, i'm sick of hearing "well at least it's not your writing hand", i'm sick not being able to get anything out of my left pocket. I'm sick of looking at the $1600 bill i got from EHCN cause they charged me for an emergency room. GRRRRRRR;LKAH;LERHGA;LKNGLKAH;OIWHI

Frustrated Tom is frustrated.

i broke my finger playing paintball on saturday. bummer.

So we had a spontaneous dinner party tonight. My mom made some lasagna and invited the neighbors upstairs, Mark and Jessica, down. My brother and his girlfriend Jenna randomly decided to show up so we set up the good table and all that and had a great time eating and telling stories. People were in stitches many times and i had to walk away once or twice for fear of pissing myself laughing. Our table talk would absolutely disgust and offend 95% of the people i know and it's amazing that Mark and Jess just happen to be on the exact same page as us when it comes to our sense of humor and whatnot. I think Jenna was in a little over her head, but she was here for Christmas, which was roughly the same thing. Anywho, Jenna's watching Desperate Housewives so i kinda excused myself to go check my e-mail and junk. I here some laughter from the other room so i should probably head back out there. Adios!

So i guess it's been damn close to 3 years since i posted anything here . el oh el at my last post being about me just taking the Outback test. It seems like i've been there forever now. I've recently made some positive changes in my life. Specifically, i've attempted to remove myself from my two worst addictions....Marijuana and World of Warcraft. Day 13 and Day 9 respectively. If you don't know me, then know this....that's huge. I decided to quit smoking for new years and, as it turns out, WoW isn't fun to me when i'm not smoking weed constantly. I guess playing as the same godamn warlock since august 2006 did it. Not to mention the damage it's done to my hands, wrists, and back from sitting here playing for hours and hours and hours well into the wee hours of the morning on a very non-ergonomic computer setup. I'm also back at the AMA kicking ass and taking names. I'm wicked out of shape, but people have told me that they've never seen me so quick and energetic. I can still throw a front-leg hook kick that'll take your head off before you even see my foot leave the ground. I'm glad to be back and i can't wait to see what i'm capable of without being clouded mentally and physically by drugs. It truly amazed some of the people when i told them that I was a smoker the entire 4 years that i trained there. I was embarrassed to tell people that i smoked every day before class, but not in the 3 hour span just before class. As druggy as i was, i would never disrespect my second family by stepping onto the Dojang high in any way. More often than not i just wouldn't go because i was stupid enough to get high right before class Anyways, things are getting better.

well, i took the menu test at outback today. i had to memorize the ENTIRE freaking menu and their descriptions. I went in there with probably about half of the menu in memory and the other half being total unkown to me. needed a 90% to pass.....ouch.

funny story....before the class began i was shootin the shit with a crowd of people i figured was there for the class as well, seeing as they were all also in uniform. I was talking a lot with this one girl and we had a pretty good conversation. i told her my story of how i was in a car accident on thursday and thats why my hand was all wrapped up. well, the class begins and i come to find out that she is one of the trainers brought in to...well..train us. after the 2 hours of class reviewing everything it was time to take the test. She comes strolling over and tells me that she'll write everything down for me since my hand was fukked up. she ended up pretty much giving me the answers to all the ones that i didn't know and i think i may have passed it because of her. score one for the tom schall charm....booyah!

why do people have to be so negative? it really brings me down when i'm trying to have a good time.

yup, i give up on ashley. called her today and got to her message. 30 seconds later she sends a text, "i'm at dinner, what's up?" so i reply asking what she's up to tonight. 2 minutes later i get another text from her "that text you sent was messed up, what did you say?" so i sent another one. Never got a reply after that. She definitely must have read it, or at least checked when she got it. I don't need to deal with that.

I'm sorry for all these huge posts, but i'm just on a roll. It's ironic that i write this warning to you, because i'm pretty sure nobody ever reads these anyways, let alone consistently. Pshhhh...oh well.



my foot is freezing right now...i can't really feel it. It's a good thing though because it's about twice it's original size and blue. Yup, I hurt myself again. I got drunk at a party on Friday night and kicked a frozen punching bag while i was outside takin a wiz under a deck. I've just been able to walk without crutches tonight. This is a perfect example of why i hate getting drunk. I enjoy me a good buzz every now and then, but any more than that and i change. I either become a complete and total blithering idiot and say or do some of the dumbest most embarrassing/damning things or i get really depressed, don't talk to anyone and hide in my car listening to angry music. I hate that....i really do.

So this is kind of a weird time in my life right now. The past week or so has been.....interesting...to say the least. Now i know none of you can notice this, but i'm going through some changes. I think my friend put it well..."Tom, you're acting weird lately". I had a stunning realization that i'm going nowhere in all aspects of my life. The only thing that was keeping me going was marijuana and martial arts...which contradict each other...so i figure that needs to change. I haven't smoked in a week or so (amazing considering i smoked every day for about 3 years) and i don't see myself starting back up anytime soon. I need to clean my system and clear my clouded mind. I've pretty much been a piece of lowlife shit this past year or so. I haven't had a job since november, i sleep till like 2pm everyday and i haven't paid a lot of my bills on time. I found it hard to do anything entertaining without smoking, even if it's something that should be entertaining enough without it. That kinda scared me. That's changing though. One of many changes i've assured myself that's gonna stick. I found a job. i'm gonna work at the outback steakhouse that's opening in Enfield and i plan on working landscaping in the mornings before it opens. The plan is to start saving some money and throwing it in a Roth IRA (if that's how it's spelled). I need to stop living in the now and start thinking about my future. I'm a 21 year old who still lives with his parents and went to a 2 year community college for 4 years and still didn't finish. I noticed that i'm becoming the trash that i laugh at while watching COPS. I've been going through life trying to figure out what i want to "do". It's been tough, trying to choose a career, but i think i need to buckle down and just choose something and run with it. I'm contimplating a career in teaching...probably in the science field. If i really put my mind to it i could easily make it though a real college. I've just never really tried, and i'm a dumbass for it. I'm a horrible procrastinator and that's numero uno on my "fix your shit" list.

All these quiet contimplation and realization has made me go through an emotional rollercoaster as of late. One minute i'm horribly depressed, the other i'm thrilled to be alive. It's weird and i can't explain or predict it. Being drunk just amplifies it. I was angry when i was drunk on Friday...so angry that i screamed at some of my friends for just asking me what was wrong. That's not me...and i'm not happy that i did that. My friends are great people and i cherish every single one of them, whether they know it or not. It's gonna be weird....and it may seem like i'm being more distant or cold or something, but I care about everyone, no matter how close of a friend they are.

I think i'm just gonna give up on Ashley, the girl i kinda like. The whole mixed emotions thing has permiated to my thoughts on her as well. I've called her and instant messaged her a few times in the past week or so to no answer. No replies to my voicemails that just say, "hey, call me when you get this" or any instant message asking how things have been. It's really annoying and honestly pisses me off. Show me the respect of an answer...even one i might not wanna hear. I don't care if you don't wanna talk to me, tell me that and i'll leave you alone. I just hate the uncertainty. I don't know what to think about it and i tear myself apart wondering what it is that i may have done wrong or whatever. To make matters even worse, she called me today. She didn't want to talk or hang out or anything. She called because her bathroom flooded and leaked down onto a pool table and thought (for a reason beyond my comprehension) that i would know what to do to keep it from being ruined. I quote..."U no a lot so I figured I'd ask u". I gladly helped as i would never turn down anyone who needs help, no matter who it would be. I at first thought of it as a good sign. "Cool, she thought to call me for help". But again, emotional rollercoaster hit and i got to thinking again. She won't call me back when i ask how things have been or to see if she wants hang out, but she'll call me when she needs something, knowledge or not. That thought process almost got me angry. So now i'm torn...i just don't know what to think. It was probably doomed from the start anyways. She's a vegetarian pothead that loves peaceful bands that i've never heard of. I'm a man who wants nothing more than a steaming hunk of cow, trying to quit smoking, and i love metal and rock. That's just a few of the things that come to mind. So again, i don't fuckin know. Life is just too damn confusing right now for me to throw another variable in. I know i wrote that whole shpiel about girls last time and it's one of the biggest factors in my "problems", but i just can't deal with everything at once right now. Who knows....

So ya....i figured i'd write this all down as sort of a "therapy" for my crippling apprehension when it comes to women. I'm not doing this on order from a doctor or anything, this is just something i figured would help.

Act I: The Ellington Saga

Back in 7th grade, or 1997 for those of you who don't know, i met a girl named Allison Fournier. She was a girl who lived down the road from my best friend and she went on the bus with us. You believe in love at first sight? neither do I. This girl, however, caught my eye like no other girl ever had. She was the pinnacle of beauty to me, the fairest maiden i had ever set my eyes on. I built up some balls for the first time in my life and asked her out one day after school. She promptly rejected me, but i was steadfast in my determination. I continued to converse with her on the bus, at school, wherver. We eventually became the best of friends. I knew deep down that I really justed wanted to be with her. i wanted to love her and have her love me. Even though i was obviously sexually attracted to her, sex was the farthest thing from my mind. I truly wanted love. I'm certain that she knew this, everyone did, even people that didn't know me would comment on it. Her and I talked on the phone practically every night, for hours at a time and i grew more and more attached to her. I treated her like a goddess. I did everything in my power to please her and make her happy. Her being happy made me happy, that's why it never bothered me when she had other boyfriends. I'd actually get to know them and i helped her through many a disturbance in her relationships. It hurt me deep down inside knowing that i was helping her stay with someone else, but it didn't matter cause she was happy. A few years passed, and all of a sudden here we were....summer before freshman year in highschool. At this point i still had never gotten a girlfriend, i hadn't even tried. I thought she was my dream girl and that my patience and good karma would pay off in the end. One day, my brother was driving me somewhere and we passed Ally and her friend Cassie. He offered them a ride and let Ally sit up front with him since i was already in the backseat for some reason that i can't remember. We ended up just going to my house to chill. I believe this was the first time that my man-whore of a brother had seen her. He wasted no time in putting on the works. Obviously this bothered me and i told him so. I told him that i liked her a lot (i wasn't gonna be like, "i love this girl with all my heart") and that i didn't want him to try and get with her. Well, he still flirted like crazy with her the whole time she was over at my house. He did so to the point that my parents even tried to intervene, saying that he should stick with girls his own age and his own friends, seeing as he was 3 years older than me. After she had gone home my brother was like, "Hey, if you like this girl so much, you should ask her out to see if she likes you". At this point i still looked up to my brother as a role model, so i believed him and did just that. I called Ally up and asked her out. She was surprised by it and said something along the lines of, "Tom, we're great friends, i don't wanna ruin that" or some junk. Anywho, i told my brother that she had turned me down and he said, "bummer dude". Well, Ally and my brother had a mutual friend named Dave Francolini, a fella a year or two older than me and the same younger than my brother. Dave wanted to score with Ally's best friend, Emily. So one rainy day my brother and Dave had gone to Emily's house so dave could see her. Sure enough, ally was over at the time. After a few hours of seducing by Dave, apparently he and Emily went off to do who knows what to each other, leaving Ally and bro together alone. I don't know the details, but i know the outcome. The night ended with my brother outside emily's door...in the rain...with ally sucking his cock. Ya.....wow....um...holy crap. Anybody here care to think of the consequences this has? apparently not. Well, this was kept in the dark from me for quite some time. I only know about it now because i had overheard Emily talking about it one day at school. My heart dropped and shattered when i heard it. But i remained silent. I was a sheepish, apprehensive kid and i didn't want to ruffle any feathers. I think i talked to Ally about it once, but i never really told her how much it hurt me. I've hated my brother a little bit ever since for what he did. I still love him, he's my brother and i'd jump in front of a bullet for him, but i'll never forgive him for that. I'm pretty sure that was the beginning of the hell that encompasses my life now. I forgave ally without her actually ever asking for forgiveness, because i cared for her so freaking much. Well, soon after our freshman year, Ally moved to Irasburg, Vermont. For those of you that don't know where that is, go to canada and drive 15 miles south into Vermont...BANG Irasburg. It's a solid 3 hour drive from here when going 85mph on cruise control. In the weeks before the left i talked to her even more on the phone each night. The night before she left i must have been on the phone with her for a solid 5 hours. I told her to come over the next morning before she left so we could say our goodbyes. I went and told my family to wake me up if i was still asleep when she came. I woke up the next morning kinda late and wondered why she hadn't left yet. My brother comes up to me and gives me a bag of stuff, "your friend ally came by and said to give this to you, i didn't want to wake you up". Lovely.



This is just the first part of all this, i'm cutting it off just before novel length so you can get a drink or maybe a piece of toast before the rest. Come back when you're ready for more.


Act II: Irasburg and the infamous Bumpers Poolhall


So Ally moved to vermont in 1999. I was, however, determined not to let her go. I went ahead and bought the biggest long distance calling card i could find. I called her every night i could. I went through $20 calling cards almost every couple of weeks. She said she couldn't afford to call long distance or some shit like that, so she never really called me. I was always the one to call her and keep the friendship going. A good 6 months or so of this passed before she finally came back to Ellington to visit. I believe she was here for a few days. I saw her for no more than 5 minutes....at the local park....by accident. She was busy seeing all her friends that she hadn't talked to or seen since before she left. I mean, that's perfectly acceptable. They never put the effort into keeping a friendship, they never really seemed to be at all bummed that she left in the first place, they're the people that pull the desk out from under you in school and laugh in your face as you sit there humiliated in front of your whole biology class....surely they deserve all her attention. Catch that sarcasm? Again, i didn't let it bother me. At the time i was ignorant enough to believe that it made sense. They weren't fortunate enough to be as close to her, so i was content to at least see her before she went back. Again, i went back into the rhythm of calling her every night to talk, her never calling me and whatnot. I knew that it was bunk that i was the only one to call, but i believed her rationale and knew that my hard work and determination would pay off in the end cause that's what my teachers said growing up. I was pretty much straight edge at the time (no, i didn't even know about sXe, i just mean i didn't drink, smoke, or do drugs). She smoked cigarettes and i didn't like it. It really bothered me cause it's a horrible habit and i didn't want her to be hurt by it, which she would if she continued to smoke long term. I voiced my opinion and asked her to quit....for me. She promised me that she would quit smoking and each time i talked to her about it after that she said that she hadn't smoked since the day she promised. Another long period of time passed before she would come back to CT to visit, this time on her own cause she had her license and her mom's car. I'd say it was late 2000, maybe early 2001 at this point. I'm not totally sure what the reason for her to come down was...i think it was Emily's birthday, but coming to visit me wasn't her highest priority. So she came over my house with her friend Lindsay and we chilled for a little while. Later my friend, nicknamed Scrot, came over and we all went to a T.G.I.F. restaurant to celebrate Emily's b-day with all her friends. On the ride there i was sitting in the backseat of Ally's car when I noticed a fresh pack of cigarettes, a lighter, and a few smoked butts sitting in the cupholder. It bothered me greatly, but i stayed quiet. They must be her mom's, i figured. Nope. After dinner, most of the people smoked, so they all went together to "light one up". Scrot stuck around with me cause he's a cool kid and doesn't smoke cigarettes. I could clearly see Ally smoking with them and it pained me terribly. I didn't really talk much after that. I was too sad. i just stayed in the back and let everyone have their fun. I didn't wanna kill their buzz with my trivial reasons for being down. They all decided that they were gonna go to a local pool hall called Bumpers. We got there and i took my place on a stool, in the corner, against the wall. I didn't play any pool or shoot the shit like everyone was doing. I just sat there, alone. Scrot came up to me at one point and asked what was wrong, but i told him i was "fine...really". Like i said, i didn't want to bring anyone else down. I'd rather wallow in pain than bring others down at all. After a few hours of just sitting there, finally ally came over and asked what was up. Me still pretty furious at her pretty much gave her the cold shoulder. "i'm just pissed at people", i said. Her reply was, "well, just fuck em all". My reply to this was, "ya, i'm sure you tried that already". Yup, it wasn't the nicest thing to say, but i wasn't in the mood for nice. Her mood went cold and she said something that wasn't to pleasant back to me. I don't remember what it was, but i do remember it hurt me...a lot. I know i deserved it, but it still hurt. She didn't know why i was pissed at her, she had no idea, so it probably blind sided her. Sub Plot: One of her friends went out to her car during the night and broke her only key in the doorlock, so the car was stuck until her mom could mail her another key. I remained in my secluded state, not talking to anyone and wondering what i did to deserve such pain. After much deliberation as to what to do about the stranded car, we finally packed into Lindsay's car to bring everyone home. 4 of us packed into the backseat. I was all the way to the right against the window and Scrot was all the way to the left with Ally on his lap. He had been very vocal and flirtatious with all the girls the whole night, as he always is, so he and Ally were naturally flirtatious in the car too. Obviously i didn't like this, but i knew scrot. He's my best fuckin friend, always has, always will. He wouldn't do anything to hurt me and i trust the kid with my life, so i don't blame him for anything. One time, i looked over at them...probably the first time i had looked at her since our little "encounter". We made eye contact and with what appeared to be a smirk (i may be wrong), she just started kissing him and getting very....physical. ooooo....bitch...ouch. Lindsay dropped me off at my house. I got out of the car, didn't say goodbye to anyone and walked back into the house with my head hanging lower than it had ever before. There's still a crack in the wall and some dried blood from where i punched it with all the anger and pain i had in me. Ally was supposed to leave the next day, but because of the car debaucle she stayed for 2 more after that. On one of those days i recieved a message from my dad while i was hanging out with my friend Jenkins that she had called and wanted to talk. The message said that she'd be at Bumpers for another hour or so from when i got it. So Jenkins and i dropped what we were doing and he was kind enough to drive me there. When we got there, i found her in the corner with Cassie, Lindsay, and about 6 or 7 other guys pretty much surrounding them. I went up to her and said "hey, lets talk". "Hang on a bit, this is a good story" was her reply. I try to be a patient man, so Jenkins and I stepped back and leaned against the wall waiting for her to be ready to talk. After about a half hour of waiting i had had enough and we left. I don't think she even noticed. Lemme tell you right now, you find out who your best friends are when you're at rock bottom. Fairweather friends are everywhere, the true ones help you at your worst. Jenkins helped a lot. I appreciate his friendship a lot, even though we've practically gone our seperate ways in life. I still feel as though i can just get back into the swing of things with him at any point and we'd be great friends again....i really should start hanging out with him again, but i digress. Nothing was solved in the second coming of Bumpers and Ally went back to Vermont without us resolving the issue. To this day i hate bumpers and i refuse to go there on my own will. I've been there once since that last encounter, about 2 weeks ago, and it was cause my friend wanted to meet a girl there. go figure.



Okay, time for another break. Feel free to go get a snack or something. Maybe get up and stretch out some.


Act III: John Kipp and the end of an era.


So here we were. I was depressed at home and Ally was angry at me in Vermont. I decided that i was gonna sit down and write how i felt on the whole situation, much like i am now, but it was written TO her. I pretty much wrote about everything that troubled me in Acts I & II. It was 8 pages hand written. With some fear in my heart, i sealed it, stamped it, and sent it to her. About a week later i was surprised to recieve a call from her, one of about 3 or 4 i ever got from when she moved to vermont till now. She was crying and apologizing for stuff, i really couldn't comprehend what she was saying. After a few minutes and some calming down we started talking about everything and didn't stop till the break of day...literally. I hung up the phone happy, for our relationship had been fixed and we were closer than ever. Everything was put on the table and it didn't tear us apart. I believed more than ever that this was the girl i wanted to live with for the rest of my life and that nothing could tear us apart. Another few months passed, during which i had gotten my license and my first car. I was finally able to take the initiative and go up there to visit her. At this point Ally was living with her boyfriend, a fella by the name of John Kipp. He was some dude who was like 23 and living with his dad in the center of Irasburg. He was a good guy, i have to admit. Every time that i went up there to visit he'd let me stay at his house in the guest bedroom across from their room. he was a pothead who grew in his closet, worked some hard labor job, and really had no aspirations in life. Just a general lowlife not unlike myself....but a nice lowlife. The first few times i went up to visit were relatively unremarkable. A few things worth mentioning...the first time i had ever gotten drunk, blackout drunk, threw up on myself, woke up on the floor, and drank hard alcohol all occured one night with his friends. I also got high for the first time up there, so you guys can all blame my potheadedness on them. Ally had started to smoke cigarettes again "because of all the stress she was in", but i decided to pick my battles and just let her know that i didn't enjoy that too much. not talking to her and going into another room or for a walk while she smoked, that sort of thing. Anyways, probably the third or fourth time i went up there we were sitting around a fire in the backyard of John's dad's house just shooting the shit. I was thirsty, so i went inside to get a soda. A few minutes later i come back out and i can tell something is wrong. neither of them are talking to each other and there was obvious anger in their faces. I asked if they wanted me to go for a walk or something so they could talk alone, figuring they were quiet cause they didn't want me to hear them. John said, "no, i'm going to bed" and practically stormed off to the house. I gave Ally a confused look and she just shrugged her shoulders. I sat down and drank my soda, watching the fire. We didn't really talk much and i suggested that we put out the fire and go inside...it was getting late and cold afterall. So we go inside and i go to my room to get ready for bed. I hear a knock on the door and Ally comes in and sits on the bed next to me. She told me that her and John had an arguement stemming from when she started talking about how I had never been in a serious relationship (or any relationship for that matter) and i guess John got all angry because he really hadn't had a serious relationship either before Ally. I don't know the specifics, we didn't really talk about it much. I pretty much said that i was sorry to be the "fuel for the fire" per se, and she said that i shouldn't worry. She told me that it wasn't working between the two of them. I was like, huh? She tells me that she can't see herself marrying this guy. Now read this carefully. She went on to tell me that she had, in fact, had feelings more than mere friendship for me all along. She tells me that she was just afraid that she'd lose me as a friend if it didn't work out and that she didn't want that. She says that she's finally ready to make her feelings known. HOLY FREAKING SHIT! I practically jumped out of my skin i was so happy. I don't think anyone in all of time could possibly have been as happy as i was at that exact moment. Everything i had ever wanted in my life had just been presented to me. She may not have been able to start that kind of relationship right away, but just the fact that it was possible, if not probable, made me ecstatic. Now, read this one especially carefully, more so than last time. The last thing she told me before she went back into John's room was, "I could never marry a man and live life without first knowing what it's like to be with you, Tom". I'm quoting that, word for word....for it's etched into my brain for eternity. I went to bed that night the happiest man on the whole planet.....but the night was not over yet...oh no it wasn't. I obviously couldn't sleep, seeing as there was nothing to dream about anymore, hehe. Well, sometime after midnight, but before dawn, i heard yelling from John's room. Then a bang, then a smashing noise. I was just about to get up to make sure everybody was okay when Ally rushed through my door and dove into my bed and wrapped her arms around me crying. She was holding me so freaking tight that i could barely breathe. I quizically asked "what the fuck is going on? are you okay? tell me you're okay?" Through her tears i heard her mumble that she was okay so i just sat there and held her for what seemed like eternity. Finally she calmed down some and we started to talk. Apparently they had continued to argue some, but had slightly made up. Ally posed to John a question, "If you found someone who had all the same personality qualities and such as me, but was more attractive to you, would you choose her over me?" And like the cad he was, John replied that, yes, he would indeed choose the hotter one over her. Smooth huh? Keep that in mind later on in this freakin novel of a story. Well anywho, she asked me the same question if i was with her, and since i had more than 3 brain cells i told her that i'd never choose anyone over her...nobody...ever...no matter how hot or anything. She would be my first choice forever. And i meant it, with all my heart. At this point we were sitting on my bed facing each other. She gave me a huge hug and we just looked at each other....just watched each other's eyes. It was a moment. You know the kind....one of those moments. We both started leaning toward each other, and just before we could kiss, there was another slam which interrupted it. This time it was something smashing outside, John had thrown something out the window. At this point Ally said that she really needed to go calm him down before he hurt someone or himself, and she trotted back into his room. I was left sitting there, confused and damned annoyed that our moment had been ruined by this oaf of a man. I finally fell asleep confident that soon enough John and Ally would be finished and that at some point in the future she would be mine. I was at peace, all the planets had aligned and all my patience, hard work, and pain had paid off. Little did i know that before the sun rose it would all come crashing down. Sometime during the night, after Ally and i had talked and before sunrise....i could hear that they had "made up".....ya, you heard me....i heard it. i fucking heard it. I didn't really sleep that much after that. The next morning I got up and went downstairs for a drink. There was a note that Ally had gone to her moms and that the Kipp's were out, so just make myself comfortable or something. I went back upstairs and went into John's room to grab a CD that he said i could listen to. I looked up at the wall above the bed and saw in big red writing, "Allison Marie Kipp + John (middle name) Kipp for all time". Um.....what? I was on my way home to CT before anyone came home, a good 2 days before i had planned to leave. When i got home my dad told me that Ally had given me a call asking if i told anyone where i went or anything cause i kinda just disappeared. i called her back and told her that i wasn't feeling well, which i really did want to throw up the whole way home. She asked me if it was because of what was written on the wall and i coldly replied, "yeah". She told me not to put any weight in that. John had written it without her knowing the next morning while she was at her mom's. I still felt sick, even knowing this, so i cut the call short and went about my ways. No more than 2 weeks after that....read that again...2 weeks later...i gave her a call like usual. We were just shooting the shit and i was teasing her, John was doing the same in the background and she let this little line slip. "Oh great! now my best friend and my fiance are ganging up on me!" um....what? I was sick again. Probably about 5 seconds after that i said my goodbyes and hung up. A few days later i summoned up some sack and called her to confront her about it. She got all defensive when i told her that it was unfair for her to do that to me. yelling something to the extent of, "this is my life, and i can do what i want with it". I'm pretty sure i hung up right there. I still talked to her after that, but it wasn't the same. i had an animosity in me when i talked to her and we never really addressed the issue further. One time after all this i was talking to her on the phone after she had broken up with John. She had some people over at her house. She told me, "hey, i'll be right back...i'm just gonna put the phone down for a sec". Remember that i was paying out of my pocket for these phone cards to call her. I sat there for 15 minutes waiting for her to pick the phone back up. Finally i heard a voice, but it wasn't her...it was one of her friends that was at her house. "Oh, you were talking to Ally? I think she's upstairs having sex with some guy or something". I told this anonymous person thanks for picking up the phone and i politely said my goodbyes to them and hung up. I haven't talked to Ally since. That was how the whole thing ended. There was no massive meltdown or falling out. It just ended....with nothing. There was no closure or opinions heard. No grievences were aired. It just ended...like that. A poof and it was all gone. I'd say this was around late 2002. Do i want any of it back? Nope. Would i change anything if i had the chance again? probably, but we only have one chance in life. I came out of this whole ordeal crushed, depressed, and just generally fucked. I don't like to place blame on anyone else for my problems...but for some odd reason ever since all this happened i've had NO love life whatsoever. I'm still a virgin, i've never had a girlfriend, and i don't see that changing anytime soon. For the 5 years that i knew this girl she was all that i had wanted...i didn't even comprehend trying to get with any other girls, so i never got any skills or confidence one needs in the sharktank that is the dating pool. I'm practically afraid of women now. I'm so concerned, both consciously and sub-consciously, that i'll be hurt again that i can't let anyone get close to me. I hate talking to girls on the phone, i'm horribly untrustworthy of anyone, guy or girl, and i'm always afraid that anyone who is close to me will just stab me in the back and leave me for dead. I've liked plenty of girls since Ally, and i've truly wanted to get close to them and do what it is that people do to seduce people into relationships, but i just can't do it. I'm so afraid of rejection and feeling that pain again, that i forgo any chance i have to protect myself from harm. It's a vicious cycle and i've wanted to kill myself before because of it. It's something that i almost constantly think about and one of the biggest sources of my depression. I don't want to sit here and blame everyone else for my problems, but i'm certain that this whole thing didn't help. But i am man, and man overcomes obstacles. I'm determined to overcome my pains, problems, and psyches to make it in life and find love. It may take a while, and i will feel depressed along the way, but i will make it happen. I will never succumb to this depression. I could never take my own life, i love my family and friends way too much to put them in pain over my death. I will survive, and i will grow strong, physically, mentally, and spiritually. Just watch....



-Tommy John

I:
am opinionated.
am sarcastically mean.
am impatient.
am abrasive in my honesty.
don't take shit from anyone.
say what i think first, then think about what i said second.
get angry at things people shouldn't get angry about.
take things to far.
am selfish.
manipulate people to appease said selfishness.
take things too seriously.
don't take things seriously enough.
am horribly hypocritical.
can and will use what i learned about you against you.
am a know-it-all.
hate being corrected.
am sick in the head.
will go to hell for things that nobody else on this earth knows about.



that being said....now i can start fixing all that.