I got a horrific sunburn last Friday and now I'm all peely. I look like a leper...or a zombie... or a ZOMBIE LEPER!!!!!!

I'm HEEEEDEOUS!!!!

I'm thinking about getting into politics. No, not running for any sort of political office. I'm an asshole, but not THAT big of an asshole.

I am going to put out some products for politicians and politically minded people.

The first one is for the Republicans. They're tasty breakfast pastries that are much like Pop-Tarts, but laced with Valium so that these tightly wound jerk-offs can lighten up a little. They're called "ReTarts (tm.)" . "Hey G.W. , what made you finally decide to let somebody with a brain figure out a feasible exit strategy for the war in Iraq?" "Oh well, I...uh...I'm ReTarted, man. I just feel like eating a nice bag of Doritos and hanging out and playing Warcraft instead of letting real people get killed." ReTarts, I think that they'll fit right in with morons like that.

The next product is for the Dems. It's called "DemoCrack (tm.)" . It's an organic natural supplement that can be put into your goddamn dirty hippy trail mix or whatever the hell it is that you tree huggin' jackholes eat. It boosts adrenaline and jacks up your hormone levels so that you're not so mellow and non-confrontational all the time. You can consider it "Balls in a bottle" . When you just don't have the balls to do what needs to be done, grab some DemoCrack.

What affiliation am I, you may ask? I told myself waaaay back when I first came of legal voting age that I would vote whenever I felt that there was a candidate that TRULY deserved to be the leader of America and showed the qualities that illustrate why the US is the greatest country in the world as of my personal opinion. As such, I have never officially voted. Yeah, go ahead and point your fingers and say that it's that kind of mentality that is undermining the American political system and ruining the country. Hey, maybe it might be something that BOTH sides can finally agree on.

You know what I hate? Well, if you've payed attention to any of my previous blogs, you probably do. Prepare yourself for another one of your Uncle Tinfoil's fancy good time hate filled diatribes.

I was just at the grocery store, and at the checkout line I saw a trash rag magazine with the front cover story "Patrick Swayze's Courageous Battle Against Cancer" . First of all, Swayze's the shit. He was in the heartwarming cinematic gem Roadhouse and the family classic Red Dawn. I have no problems with the dude, and I wish him the best of luck. What I DO have a problem with is sappy bullshit about some celebritie's courageous fight against _________ . Seriously, what's the alternative to battling cancer? You just lay down and die. NOBODY is going to just give up if they have a chance to get better. So why is this battle so much more courageous than the battle that anybody else fought against cancer?

I'll tell you what was courageous. When Patrick Swayze infiltrated a town full of Communist soldiers and fought against incredible odds to sabotage their war efforts and give his friends a chance to escape . Then he carried his dead brother, Charlie Sheen, back through that same Commie infested countryside to take his body back to the rebel encampment for a proper American burial. THAT, my friends, is courage. Or how about when he fought a karate kicking psycho who proudly admitted that he used to "fuck guys like him in prison". THAT for damn sure is courage. Possibly even starring in a movie with Meatloaf as your co-star. THAT takes a certain kind of courage.

Fighting cancer pretty much involves doctors pumping you full of drugs and you trying to stay positive and do what they tell you to do. THAT isn't necessarily courage, THAT is survival. Is it courageous when somebody trips and falls in a swimming pol and then struggles to get out before they drown? Is it courageous when somebody is in a car wreck and hangs on until an ambulance comes to save them? That is simply not wanting to die. I'm pretty sure that courage is something different. There are days when I feel like just stepping out in front of a speeding bus, but I don't. Does that make me a hero? No, I'm just like everybody else out there. And so is one Patrick "Steel Dawn" Swayze. Don't get me wrong here folks. I truly hope that Patrick pulls through and makes a full recovery because I, much like the rest of the civilized world, still dreams of a day when somebody will have the good sense to make Point Break 2 : The Extreme !!!!!

Fuck it. Who wants pie?

I've said it before and I'll say it again. I HATE SNOW!!!!!!

Al Gore is a dirty, dirty LIAR, because there isn't even enough global warming to keep me from getting snowed in all day today. My car is stuck in a parking lot which was magically transformed into an Olympic bobsled course over night. So far, the Swedish team is in the lead for the gold medal by the way. YAY Sweden!!!!

I guess that I should clarify a bit. I don't hate snow per se'. I hate snow and ice on the roads. My car hates that too and refuses to drive on them. I've got cabin fever really bad and want to get out for awhile, but NOOOOO.

To top things off, my kitten has just gone into heat for the first time and is acting all psychotic.



Sure, she looks all cute and innocent, but don't let her looks fool you. Inside that tiny fuzzy body lurks a madness whose depths know no bounds. She actually looks kinda' pissed.

On a side note...before you think that I live in a world with no toilet paper, I had to hide it all because the afore mentioned psycho kitty has taken up unrolling the entire thing all over the bathroom floor. This is but one of her more playful missions of sabotage.

So to sum up...Fuck You Snow!!!! I hate you and wish nothing but bad things upon you. Go global warming!!!!

When somebody in the movies needs to acquire certain "not quite legal" items, they always seem to go straight to the local "Black Market" dealers. The thing is, these shady dealers don't advertise, right? so how the hell do they find them? What if I'm having a beef with my next door neighbor because he's playing his Tony Orlando records too loud and I want to buy a couple of white phosphorous grenades to reduce his home to smoking ruins and teach the other people in the surrounding community a lesson? A reasonable request,right? I have NO idea where to purchase such things. They damn sure don't have them at the local Target or JC Penneys. I checked. So what's the average dude to do when he needs military grade weaponry, dangerous narcotic substances, or just a simple white slave? I think that the black market should make flyers or something that come in the mail with all of the other crap from Pottery Barn, Pizza Hut, and Wal Mart. "Oh look honey, they're having a special this weekend on the new Stinger surface to air missile launching system and human livers at The Black Market. We should look into that. You know how much you drink. You could use a new liver. And who COULDN'T use a anti aircraft missile delivery unit?" It just makes good business sense. Plus it would provide the average Joe an opportunity to get all of those things that, in the past, only your hot shot warlords and despots could get their hands on. Maybe some people are thinking " If every suburban family has an M-60 heavy assault rifle in their garage, won't that lead to more violence and death. The answer is YES. But only for awhile. Once EVERYBODY has dangerous high tech weapons, things will even out as a blissful state of "Mexican Stand-Off-ery" sinks in. You won't want to strafe Herb Smith's garage with 7.62mm armor piercing rounds if you know that Herb's got his 40mm grenade launcher trained on your quaint little domicile, now would you? Heck, no!!!! So , what's the harm? Let's see if we can get this big shiny ball of destruction rolling. For a better life for EVERYBODY...with guns and explosives.

I just traveled to the frozen wasteland that is Erie, PA to see a friend's band play. The band's name is Seattle and they do unbelievable covers of all of the great grunge bands of the early 90's. It was a good time and I wound up getting REALLY trashed. That's unusual as I don't drink nearly as much as I used to. Guess I'm getting old...but, thankfully, I still have the liver of an alcoholic 20 year old. WOOO-HOO!!!!

My newly adopted kitten is crashed out in my lap right now. Not because she was drunk last night. She didn't go. Although she might have gotten into my liquor when I was gone.

I just got back from vacation in Aruba. It kicked more ass than a donkey farmer. Then I get to return to 30 degree weather and ice and snow. Fan-fucking-tastic.

I recently rescued a little kitten who was living in a ground hog hole outside of where I work. She was either dumped off by some prick or her mother left her there and didn't come back. I was originally just trying to feed her so she wouldn't starve. Then it started getting cold and frosty outside and I thought that she wouldn't last the winter in a hole outside. So armed with a can of Starkist tuna I lured her out of her little underground tunnel. She was dug in like a little V.C. soldier, but I finally managed to grab her and pull her out. At first I was just going to give her away to somebody, because we had several customers and employees at work who saw her sitting up on the hill and offered to take her. Then I kind of bonded with the little jerk. Apparently I'm only cold and heartless to other human beings. Kittens are my kryptonite. now she's sitting under my computer desk gnawing on my foot.
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I considered several names for her, but settled on Charlie (As in Charlie Tuna, Starkist's mascot) . Other possible selections were Poop Machine, Burly-Girl, Rowdy, and C.H.U.D. She seemed to like Charlie the best. Although she does have an alter ego. When angered she turns into ***POWER CAT 5000*** and becomes an unstoppable three to five pound adorable engine of destruction!!!!! You wouldn't like her when she's angry.