This is a long one, but something I could use help with, so if you take the time to read it, I appreciate it, and can use any advice made available to me.

Lately I have been wondering if I have forgotten how to be social. This may seem like a weird thing to forget, but I honestly do not know if I really know how to get out and about anymore, or if I haven't gotten a partial case of agoraphobia.

I suppose it started three years ago when I moved home so that I might actually get something done with my schooling. I no longer had to be present to be working towards my masters in anthropology, and was enrolled in school with writing and research credits. I now only had to be enrolled with one credit to be considered a student and be eligible to defend my thesis when I get it done. The last semester I spent in Missoula all I did was go out drinking with my friends whenever they called me up, usually it was Tuesday's and Fridays, those seemed to be the best days to go out and about, and I usually drank and partied enough that I only wanted to go out those two days. Needless to say this was not conducive to getting my thesis research done like I needed to, so when my roommate announced that he was selling the house, rather than look for somewhere to live, I decided to move home.

The folks came up and helped me get my shit that December and I found myself home that Christmas, home to stay. Well I wasted a few months getting my research worked on and towards done while I went through the rest of my money that was around from my student loans that last semester, and now I would have to look for work, since I had no money and my loan payments were coming due. The railroad was hiring and it started out at 17 something an hour, not bad for something you only needed a high school diploma, a clean drug test, and a clean record for. I applied and started that July, my dad told me that he didn't want me to make a career of it, and I agreed with him. I started out thinking that I would only do 2 years and then I would move out of Glendive, well two years came 5 days ago and I really don't know what I have in store for myself. Now granted I was in a pretty bad accident last year that took me out of commision for a few months, which I was lucky for. I only broke my tibia and fibula in my right leg and severely sprained my left ankle, when I could have easily died. I don't know that I have ever let the enormity of the accident really sink in and part of me is glad of that as it allowed me to go back to work when I was physically ready, but part of me is sad about that because it makes me wonder if I am really appreciating the second chance that I received by merely breaking my leg.

Right now I am on a second break from work because I had the rod removed from my right tibia that was placed there last year to help it heal, that's what happens when you shatter the bone I guess. Actually the PA that was working the emergency room when I got there said that he had seen breaks like that before when he was stationed in Iraq, and that they usually involved the person being shot. So there ya go, being hit by a 300,000 pound locomotive is like being shot, injury wise that is. These breaks have been nice, because I am more of a creative person and I like the time off to read and think about things that I might not otherwise look at, hence this blog.

Back to my original point, am I scared of being social, or have I forgotten how to be social. I have always been the guy that can get along in pretty much any situation, I might be a bit quiet at first as I get my bearings, but after a brief bit of time you probably are not going to get me to shut up, and I am going to at least entertain a handful of people while I am there. Lately however I am starting to avoid going out and about, and putting myself in social scenes. I used to say this was because I worked the 11pm to 7am shift with Sunday Monday off, and who goes out on Sunday Mondays, right? Well when I got the Thursday Friday night shift, I went out once and then stopped completely, and then after a month I got a 7am to 3pm job with Tuesday Wednesday and no longer had to worry about it again. Now granted I do prefer my current position, as it is awesome to live a normal life again, but once again I put myself in a spot where I don't have to go out.

Recently we had a family get together and part of me really did not want to go because I wondered how I could enjoy myself as there was no set list of activities that I could look through, and some of my family can be a bit much. Well guess what happened, yep that's right, I went, I did whatever, and I had fun doing it. I sit and wonder why I was so scared of it when I should have known that everything was going to be fine, yet I was. Now there is another big activity that I am going to be going to, that I was scared of attending for some of these same reasons. It is a big concert event that I have been to three times in the past and had a fantastic time at all three times, but yet this year I was hesitant to go, even though one of my best friends is going to be there, and a bunch of other really good friends, all of whom I haven't seen since January. So why would I be scared to go there, that's right because I wonder if I remember how to be social.

I don't want to be the guy that has to have a few beers to talk to everyone and laugh and cavort, but part of me thinks that I might have to, and I don't want that. I find myself second guessing what I have to say when in groups of people, and I learned back in my Senior year of high school not to be like that and hadn't looked back until recently. That was the main reason that so many people liked me, I am not trying to be conceited but I was voted easiest to get along with Senior year, and I honestly only know one person that doesn't like me, and she kind of has a good reason. My best friend Glen taught me to be quicker with my wit, and not think things over and over again before I say them, and that is what the turnaround for me was. He taught me that while we worked at Taco John's the summer between Junior and Senior year, and he taught me it by berating me over and over again with his rapidfire wit. I had to quicken or I was going to get skewered. I distinctly remember a buddy of mine asking me when I got funny after school started back up, and I sat there and thought about it. In my head I knew I had always been funny, but I had held myself back, and that was the new found difference.

Once I no longer held myself back I all of a sudden had luck with girls, and I didn't worry that I was a little bit bigger than some. I was never fat until after I broke my leg, the 2.5 months I couldn't walk and then the 2 months where I couldn't be active put me in the high 200s closing in on the 300s which was something I never thought possible, but became quite possible and easy. As of right now I am happy to say that I am down to a little over 210 and working my way down to breaking the 2s, which is something that I haven't done in a long, long time. So hey at least I am starting to become a form of sexy that I wasn't before, but the socialness is something that worries me, as I have stated.

You see right now I am perfectly happy sitting at home with a book, video game, movie, comics, whatever and just letting the days drift over me. This is one of the reasons that I haven't gotten my thesis done, I started living my life in five day blocks and all of a sudden two years have gone by at the railroad and I have no plan of action. Also I am perfectly happy letting this time go by and just staying at home because I have convinced myself that there is nothing to do in my town so why try. Now I do live in a town of 5500-6000 people so my options are limited, and a lot of my friends do no longer live here, but I do still know people in town and there are periodic activities to attend. I have merely convinced myself that it is always the same bars, with the same people, and that is the reason I should stay home. That and there are no women in my desired age range that do not have massive amounts of baggage or 4 kids around here, so that is why my love life is faltering. So what the hell is am I doing on that front, oh yeah, nothing as well. I have been single for a long time now, and I really do not want to be single anymore, but I have convinced myself that I will have to wait until I leave town, and I have no idea when that will be.

SO I really wonder if I have forgotten how to be social, if I am coming down with a small case of agoraphobia, or if my fear of success has finally permeated all aspects of my being. What do you think? If you have waded through all of my words, what would you say my problem is? I would love feedback on this because I try to keep myself positive, but this shit is constantly in the back of my head and I really don't know what to do with it anymore. So chime in, any and all of you, help a brother out.

I think for now I will puruse some other peoples blogs, see what's going on, and then maybe go watch the Two Towers and hope that when I wake up there might be something for me to read.

The weekend that was the Fourth

Had a family reunion/get-together at the lake at my Aunt's house, which I wasn't sure what to think or expect from. I don't know why I was worried about it sucking, I guess it was the heat and being on crutches, but it was a great weekend. Start to finish it was great, got to give and take shit from my cousins, hear some old stories about the family and some new ones as well. The best new story I heard was that my dad apparently grew pot when he worked at a farm after high school, or maybe during high school. Either way he grew it in a barn that housed pigs, so it had a massive supply of fertilizer right there. My uncle Skinner was talking about how he went out there once with him and there were these trees, because they had grown that large. Who knew my dad was a cultivator of the pot? The only bad thing was that Skinner said he had another story but he wasn't going to tell that one. I guess that is the great thing about family reunions you get to hear the unexpected stories that like my cousin Shane said "sometimes there are things we just shouldn't know Matt" and yeah maybe, but it's more fun when we do know them.

I think I will show some pictures and comment on them as I go.

So apparently I can fish after all, this was a new revelation as I haven't fished in years, and my dad is an avid fisherman. I wasn't sure what to think about going out fishing with my cousin, dad, uncles, and third cousin, but hell when we caught 8 fish total and I caught 4 of them, I guess I did all right. That fish there was a 31 inch Northern, decent fish to catch on a hook with a worm. On another note, them sunsabitches fight.


This pic is funny because it features my cynical uncle Skinner, my cousin Shawn's gay buddy Miguel and my cousin Preston's son Tatum. My uncle Skinner is a harsh guy that doesn't sugarcoat a damn thing, but can be funny and not bad to have around as long as he likes you, and you will know when he doesn't. Miguel is a funny little guy from Minnesota who was entertaining, it was just funny that he got on Skinner's good side that quickly, and then you throw their little love child into the pic and our family will find this funny for quite some time. Quick sidenote my Grandma was leaving and was saying goodbye to Miguel, He said he would miss her and asked if she would as well to which she replied. "I will miss you, you are entertaining. There was a retarded guy that played bingo with us for a few weeks and he was entertaining too", and then she walked away. So my mom asked Miguel what that said about him. You gotta love the older generation don't ya.


That one is me and my folks, happy little family that we are. Me rocking the crutches like I did all weekend and for the next few weeks. Some of the cousins gave me shit about getting help /being waited on, but oh well mom likes helping me, lol.


This one here features the most kick ass tent ever. The tall pointed one in the middle is my dad's latest purchase a nice 4-6 person Cabela's tent. There was a larger Tent City the first day, but the Fourth featured a decent size storm that started taking out the other tents one by one. We went around securing tents tying them down to the fence around the yard, and taking other ones down to try to get it all figured out, basically a lot of running around seeing if we could do anything at all. Well, my dad's tent didn't have to have anything done to it all, it didn't move. He did move one stake so that the corner I was sleeping in wasn't as slumped in, but other than that, that sumbitch stood strong. It was roomy as hell since just dad and I slept in there, and we got these new Columbia cots that have air mattresses to put in them, tres comfy.

So yeah it was a good weekend. My cousin Shawn brought Leinenkugel Honey Weiss, which is the best beer to ever come out of Wisonsin, sorry PBR. There were 6 left so they got to come home with me. Oh yeah and he brought the Fireworks from WIsconsin as well so they had more oomph in them than the Montana ones we would have gotten out here, so that was a darn good show part of which we saw on the 4th but mostly on the 5th. Dad and I were talking to my cousin Shane about going back up there to fish again this year a couple of times, and I look forward to that as well.

Yeah I don't know why I dreaded the weekend, I guess it is just the hermit in me, but it was great, flew by, and really wasn't that hot, and when it was I just had to have a Honey Weiss and it was all good.

Yesterday I had the worst migraine I have ever had in my life.

I got my first migraine way back in 7th grade, coincidentally enough that is the same age that my dad got hist first one. Yes I got a lovely gene or whatever from my dad, and because of that I have headaches all the time, luckily enough though they usually are not migraines. I usually have a few headaches a week, various degrees of them that may or may not require tylenol.

With migraines I can usually catch them before they go to far and get them knocked on their ass. My peripheral vision goes to static, my arms go numb, my tongue will get fat feeling but really just numb, and the new one is that my peripherals might not be the stuff going staticy but rather right in the middle of my eyesight, fun I know.

Well Monday night I was reading before I went to bed and all of a sudden I started seeing static and coulnd't focus directly so I decided to take some Tylenol and ride it out, well it wasn't rideable so I went to sleep. Now usually sleep will take care of it as well, and if they get to far along it is really all you can do, but this one wasn't to far along, at least I thought. I woke up Tuesday morning around 6 or so a little later and it felt like my left eyeball was going to explode. I guess that is where the pressure was focused, also my right arm was numb.

Well Tuesday consisted of popping pills, sleeping, putting a cold washcloth on my head, and basically just riding it out. Finally around 3 I could function enough to be up and about, and finally after a few hours I could comfortably sit in front of a tv, which because of my recuperation is about all I can do these days. The thing that killed me is that my book is really good but I couldn't read it because when I tried to focus on the pages my head started going wonky again.

Well today is a new day and I can read, and focus, so that's nice. My head is still a bit wonky though, so that sucks, but man yesterday was fubared.

June 27th was and still is a good day.

First off Mom and I woke up around 7 for me and earlier for her so that we could get over to the doctor's office an hour and a half away from here. Roads were good even though it was blowing like a bastard out there. Got the Doc's office and it was pretty busy since he is going on vacation next week that was to be expected, but still not a long wait. Had the cute nurse take out my staples, and in the midst of her doing so she told me how she was hung over because they had a birthday party for her 5 year old where 22 kids had attended, so I told her that was to be expected. Doc told me what exercises to do and how much weight to put on it and I was out the door.

We then went to the mall and I stayed in the car and read while mom did some shopping. Caught some food at the 'ol Burger King, hey if you don't have one available it's pretty good when you get out of town; besides they have the best pickles there. Mom went to a used bookstore and then we were back to the mall for a matinee of Get Smart.

On the way home there was a Focus on the Family deal on the radio station and Dr. James Dobson was talking about his youth and he mentioned that he had attended a racially mixed high school, and that there were no gangs there.
And that brings me to my random thoughts section

1.Anne Hathaway + Lasers = Uberhotness
2.Steve Carell is fucking funny, and this was a superb vehicle for him to show that
3.The petting zoo in the mall parking lot started me thinking about the camel there and if you have to break them like you do a horse.
4.Is a Camel in a petting zoo happy, or does the indifference on his face reflect the indifference in his mindset?
5.Digital Movie theaters are the bomb.
6.Dr. James Dobson is a fricking knob of the utmost degree.
7. I was so Miss Daisy today riding in the backseat so I could have my leg up.
and finally 8.Spending the day with mom is conducive to having a good day.

So as Ice Cube once said, "it was a good day", and as the Eels would later say, "God Damn Right it was a Beautiful day"

quick add on:
I just remembered one other great thing from yesterday, you see when you are recovering from leg surgery and you go to the Super Wal Mart, you have a legitimate reason to be cruising around on one of those motorized carts, so yeah I rocked the shit out of that thing while buying my Batman Legos.

So it's been a couple days since surgery and I am doing pretty darn good all things considered. Those things are that I heal to well and I had some bone growth over where the screws and rod were to be extracted from, so that caused a bit more pain as it had to be cleaned out. The rod itself was heftier than I had imagined so I probably lost a couple pounds right there, so that part of the surgery is agreeable.

I probably won't be on very long, but I wanted to pop in and say that surgery went well and I am doing fine. I hope to get back online for a bit longer in the near future, but for now the leg feels better when propped up so off I go to do some propping.

Thanks again for all the well wishes, thoughts and prayers I received, they helped quite a bit.

So today was a busy ass day at work, all kinds of locomotives coming in that needed to be serviced and moved around in the yard. We had 4 hostlers but still were pretty darn booked up, but oh well it was my Friday so who gives a shit right.

It was a super size Friday for me as well because I go in for surgery on Thursday. I am going to have the rod removed from my Tibia, all stemming from a break I sustained last year when I was hit by a locomotive at work which shattered my tibia and broke my fibula. My bone has healed completely now so it is time to take the rod out and let the bone heal again. I will be on crutches for at least 6 weeks so I can't go to work, awwww, how heartbroke am I? I'm not. I have books, movies, comics, magazines, and video games all lined up, and over the 4th of July we are having a family get together at the lake so I won't even have to take time off for that as I will be convalescing. I can still enjoy the lake on crutches.

I don't know if I will have to prop my leg up much this time or not, but if I do then my time on the computer will be limited, so I might not be able to make my daily stops into SG land. Hopefully I will, as I am pretty addicted to this and other sites.

So if you read this and want to think of me Thursday morning then feel free as I am getting a little nervous the closer it gets. The good thing though is that with morning surgery I will get to come home that same day. I guess the surgery is straight forward enough that all they have to do is make a couple cuts, remove some screws, and then remove the rod itself. I get to keep all the hardware so maybe I will post some pictures of it after the fact.

So if I don't get to see you guys for a while, know that I will be hanging out in front of my big 'ol TV rocking the PS3 and keeping my mind busy. Oh yeah, and I will miss you all.

I figured I would put a little update in here about my dog and other things.

First off this is my dog.



Her name is Shady and she is a Black Lab Chesapeake cross. She is doing much better after her stay with the vet last week. SHe went in Wednesday and we got to bring her home on Saturday. She was a little slow, but she was a thousand times better than when we took her in. She had a case of pancreatits and the way they treat that is by keeping them on IV and off food and water for usually 3 days. This gives the pancreas time to settle down, and for everything to balance itself back out. We also got the good news that she had no liver damage which is possible from something like this, but luckily she is good on that front. She is carrying her back right leg after taking a truck ride with my dad last night, he said she yiped a bit when he helped her into the car but then she was fine. I checked out her leg and she never winced from anything I was doing so I think she might be erring on the side of caution with all of this, and that she will be fine. I think another part of it is that she went a few days without her joint pills that we giver her everyday, because she couldn't eat she couldn't have things like that, so I think once that stuff kicks back in then she will be fine. I am just glad to hear that my dog is healthy as all get out, I have had that dog since my senior year of high school and she is definitely my girl so it is nice to have her back.

Here's my dad's dog.

He's a wirehaired pointing griffon named Ben, short for Benelli which is a type of shotgun. You see he is a bird dog and we got him from a family that raises them and all of the dogs were named after guns or hunting related terms. He's a handful but personality plus.

Last night really made me appreciate living at home, I mean I am doing it to get a good chunk of my student loans paid off and to get a savings account built up as well, which has been going well. Last night the doorbell rang and dad went and answered the door and here was some old fart that started up about our dogs pissing and shitting in his yard. Dad got pissed and maybe hollered a little to soon, but hey what kind of greeting is that. Well dad informed him that his dogs do not shit and piss in his yard, and they don't I have walked the dogs past that house quite a few times and they have yet to poop in his yard, now they might pee on his rock that he has in the yard, but they don't crap. The neighbor told dad that he was going to bring down a pile of horseshit and put it in our yard, dad of course told him to go ahead, as one does. They got into a discussion of the leash law, neighbor thought they had to be on leashes, dad told him it says they just have to be voice controlled, that started more discussion and the guy left our yard and they had a few more words and dad told him to have a nice day. I was impressed that there wasn't more cussing going on other than shit and piss, which isn't really bad at all. Well later the police called and talked to dad and now he will just take them on different routes through the neighborhood.
The thing of it is, is that the neighbor's house is unfenced and he lives in a neighborhood of dogs that run loose. Just up the block from his house there are about three dogs that roam around, down the street from us there are more dogs that roam. Our dogs are in a fenced yard that they cannot get out of, and the only time they roam around is when on walks, and we are aware of where they go the bathroom. So I don't really know how this guy thinks its our dogs specifically that do their business in his yard when it would be quite hard to figure out which dogs specifically did so, unless he watched his yard 24/7.

Oh well I thought it was kind of funny to see dad arguing with an old dude about our dogs biological processes, and it made me appreciate living here.

On a more sad note involving animals, yesterday I saw a baby robin die that I was hoping to help out. I was riding home from work with dad when we saw a baby robin in the road that was just kind of hanging out. I told him I wanted to get it out of the raod before something happened, well we were circling around when two vehicles came down the road the first missed it but the van did not. When we went passed I looked, and I wish I hadn't as the vision haunted me the rest of the night. I knew that the bird died instantly, but I was till quite sad about the whole thing and a tad bit guilty. I couldn't help but think that I should have made dad stop right there and helped it out. I don't know how long the little bird would have survived because it obviously couldn't fly and yet it was out of a nest and all that, but I still wish I could have helped it.

So yeah that was my week in animals right there, not all fun, but some uplifting things here and there.

Oh and last Saturday I went to a wedding and saw a bunch of people I knew who had familied up. I think I might have a biological clock thing going in situations like that, and I don't know what I think about that. Oh well I aint dead yet.

Well I feel much better for my dog, and she looked like she felt much better as well. My dog, Shady, was feeling a little under the weather so we took her to the vet yesterday and they ran tests and it looked like pancreatitis so they kept her over night. They did a better blood test today and were sure it was pancreatitis so she has to stay out there another day. Mom and I went out there after I got off work to visit here cuz the vet wanted to have us see if she was feeling better because we would be better judges of it. Well she was a little stiff but she looked a hell of a lot better and I bet she looks better yet tomorrow. We won't know until tomorrow if we get to bring her home or if she has to stay out there over the weekend.

I guess with canine pancreatits the usual method of treatment is to keep them off of food for a couple days and keep them on iv, which is what they are doing. Basically you give the pancreas a little time off and then she will get over it. The vet will look a little more at her liver tomorrow and if she has an appetite we get to bring her home.

So I feel better because yesterday imagining her out there where she didn't know anyone made me a sad panda. Today though I could see how attentive the staff was and in turn the vet herself, so that helped me out too. For a 12 year old my dog is healthy as hell, a little overweight, but it helps her fit in, in this family. My savings account is probably going to take a hit on this, but she is well worth it, so I don't mind that at all. A dog like that brings to much happiness into the world to care about costs.

On the other hand I got a box from amazon so I have the Ting Tings, Duffy, and new Weezer cds and an Edgar Allan Poe book illustrated by Gris Grimly to look at. Those things will distract me until I get to bring Shady home. Oh yeah I think the new Chuck Palahniuk book should arrive tomorrow so there is that too. Also if you haven't seen Mr. Grimly's art you should check it out.

p.s thank goodness for good vets in this small ass town of mine

So this year I get to feel like my vote actually counts for the first time in the eleven years I have been voting. You see I live in Montana and, well, we usually do not count in the long run as we don't have the votes in the electoral college that the big states have. This year the democratic nomination has come down to the wire and all of a sudden our voices in this big state, empty of people, counts more than usual. It has actually been pretty damn cool the last couple months, with all the trips that Barack, Hillary, Bill and Chelsea have been making into various parts of Montana.

So I guess I am actually kind of excited about the democratic process for the first time in a long time, and that's pretty damn cool.

well it's 6pm and I got back from voting and running some errands a little bit ago, now I just have to sit back and watch the magic happen. I will probably sit here and watch the Braves game and the votes come in just to see what is what. I haven't been this into an election since Bush Gore, when me and my buddy Kev watched the whole deal from the bar we worked at and vowed not to leave until there was a winner, well we had to leave when they locked the place up after cleaning and all that, and little did we know that we would have been there for quite some time if we stayed true to our words. So yeah, yay politics are fun again.

So I have decided that today is going to be Firefly day in my house. I am going to go ahead and just view the whole series all over again while I do chores around the house, read, or whatever else I do.

I loved this show the first time I went through the DVDs, loved the movie Serenity, and will sit in front of Sci Fi every time they play a marathon, so now I will do a marathon of my own. I don't know when it really happened but this show has grown on me so much, I just fucking love every little aspect of it, it has grown such a spot in my heart that it now stands on the brink of pushing the Star Trek universe out of my 1st place in my science fiction loving mind. That is kind of a big deal for me as I have always loved Star Trek, just so many things about it are awesome, but Firefly is that little engine that could.

Maybe it is because there are so many ways for me to take in Star Trek and only a few ways to take in Firefly, perhaps that is why I love it so much. With Firefly I have to try and figure things out on my own, whereas with Star Trek I get to watch it play out in many different tv shows, movies, and books. Whatever it is I do know that I like Firefly more than Star Wars, and I really do like Star Wars quite a bit, but it is number 3 for me behind the Trek and Firefly, yep I said it and I stand behind it.

So yeah I am giong to go throw the DVDs into my PS3 and devour them one after the other, and depending on when the marathon is over I might even throw Serenity in the mix, who knows, I might just get froggy and jump on that one. I also think that at one point in the mix I am going to read the latest Firefly/Serenity mini series Best Days, because that will be a whole pile of awesomeness. So as the laundry spins in the machine the dvds will spin in my PS3, and the awesomness will spin in my head.

What are you going to do today?