So I bought this AWESOME freeze-spray from Sally Beauty Supplies, and now I can hawk my top layers of my hair. It's going to be so rad. I'll definately take pictures of the madness that will be my hair.

Grant left today to go see his parents, and his best friend Nathan in Ohio. His mother is recovering well from the surgery she got for the cancer they found. I think she's going to be just fine. I'm calling her on mother's day. I can't wait.

Today is KFMA Day. I really wanted to see The Format, Unwritten Law, Jimmy Eat World, Billy Idol and such...but I shouldn't be spending the money. I think I'd have to pay 35 or something. Which isn't toooo bad. I really just wanted to go on the bungee jump ride at the fair grounds, where the concert is being held. If any of you Tucsonans went, I hope you're having a blast!

Walked the dog yesterday. Worked. Watched The Hitchhiker's Guide to The Galaxy. Dyed my hair. Cleaned. Read more of my book. Slept. Drove Grant to the airport at 6:00 am. Argh! Called my dad.

Life is good. Let's hope it stays this way.

In the course of 24 hours, I've figured out a whole shit load of things I've been pondering and questioning for years. Just because your gut instinct is always right, doesn't necessarily mean I always listen to it.

I've come up with some problem solvers. and have structurized myself for certain things.

Things are still coming along nicely, despite my emotional breakdown yesterday.

I'm gonna be fine. I always am.

Well I did it. I had a mental breakdown. I stayed in bed for over 24 hours. I completely ignored Grant....but he kept pushing and pushing and pushing at the subject. he wanted me to talk about things I wasn't ready to talk about yet. And blam. Out of the darkness of all that is evil...I ripped him a new one. And then became very childishly emotional. I've been crying for the past 3 hours.

I'm glad it happened. I really need to grow up. This being miserable shit all the time really sucks. I'm thinking I might be bi-polar. If there is any information anyone has on it, it would extremely helpful. thank you.

Either way. While throwing a tantrum, crying, and feeling sorry for myself....Grant kept telling me..."STop being so fucking afraid of life, Rebecca. Get off your ass and do something. You've tried before...You can try now. I'm proud of you." Of course I was upset so it just made me squirm and cry more.

I even stooped as low as threatning to comitt suicide. He shortly after dismantled the gun.

I feel like such a fucking child right now.

So...I'm here by myself. And I realize this.

I applied for a few jobs via phone and internet. I'm going to try and get myself a place. and I'm gonna learn how to live alone. It sucks...but jesus. I'm getting too old for this behavior.

For once, I'd just like someone to tell me they're proud of me for being able to recognize all of this. I want it to change, though I feel I lack serious support.

Shit happens....

what can yah do?

dude...i'm so totally not myspace enough right now. i took down all my provacative pictures. all photoshopped pics. my long, serious introduction. and i don't even have 100 people on my list! HELP

Grant should be home today, but his flight is delayed in Germany. Damn C-130s. err something.

I liked this boy. And then the boy started liking me. And once again, I am running away from boy. What the hell is my problem?

New pics on the way soon. Just you wait, you naughty little concubines!

ick. i have to see GR at my work tomorrow. Can I please just induce vomit? Then I could throw up all over him, and be like..."whoops...I saw your face and it made me want to throw up."

Uhmm...That's all to report at the moment.

Au revoir! ♥

Got knocked out of the pool tourney early this week. Was slightly dissapointed, but I consider myself to be a pretty good sport, so I stuck around and rooted on until the very end for the hot seat. It was quite funny. Jacob and Robert (identical twin brothers) ended up having to play eachother for 1st place. Then we all went to Denny's afterwards and I had bacon and a delicious english muffin. yum yum. i love munchin on muffins. meow.

I have potential pink-eye. I'm not sure yet, so I don't want to jump to conclusions...but like I said via myspace... I don't even want to analyze where I could have gotten it from. Although I'm truely clueless. *shrugs* I guess that's just the way the cookie crumbles sometimes.

The house is almost beautifully spotless. I want Grant to come home and feel comfy. I guess I'm OCD sometimes. I thoroughly cleaned the stove. I mean anything you can think of. Inside and out. It was kind of silly...but I figured hey, since I have the urge to go on a cleaning binge, why the hell not? eh

I have my car finally. Grand total came out to 423.80. I wanted to cry as I gave them my money. I should have put it towards rent, but I was really putting myself in a lot of risk without a car....whole long story I won't even go into. It's nice to have a car, but now I'm going to have to be a shitty "tenant" and explain and somehow try to work my way out of moving. I guess either way, it's good for me. To stay or leave. Passiveness is good.

I have such bad luck sometimes yah know. but like i said...i guess that's just the way the cookie crumbles. such is life. but i love life so much. i'm content, even with the bad things thrown my way.

You can't bring me down. So don't even try.

love

♥

"LIFE'S JOURNEY IS NOT TO ARRIVE AT THE GRAVE SAFELY IN A WELL PRESERVED BODY, BUT RATHER TO SKID IN SIDEWAYS, TOTALLY WORN OUT, SHOUTING "...HOLY SHIT...WHAT A RIDE" -Unknown

I never do this.

Why am I doing it now?

Basically...I met this realllllly hot guy at work.

he was there with my friend. She's dating a guy and he's one of her new bf's friends. So I guess it's kind of ok.

But argh!

He was in the marines for 4 years.

and he's so dreamy.

he was shy, but i got him to open up.

he kept telling me i was beautiful. i kept telling him he was beautiful.

we couldn't figure out who was bullshitting who.

I mean think about it. *laughs*

God damn it. I need to get out of this biz. It's killin me smalls.

night ♥

The Good Life show was amazing. Tim Kasher is one drunk sexy mother fucker. There's something appealing about a man who swigs Jack Daniels before every song.

Worked until close last night. Loved every minute of it.

Then went to the boys house. and you know. uhmm. yeaaahh.

Now I'm home. Changing into flip flops because heels were a bad selection to spend the night in.

I think I'm going to have olive garden for lunch. meow?

I fucking LOVE my new hair-cut. Seriously meow meow. ♥


[end]

Made enough last night to pay for my car to be picked up today, from the mechanic, thank god.

Looks like Chris and I and possibly some others, might be hittin' up Hot Pink this weekend. It's been such a long time, I'm excited. But the last five times I said I would be going to Hot Pink, I wasn't able to make it...so we'll see if it actually sticks this time.

Anyways... things are well. I got my GED. I've applied for a one year free scholarship to Pima Community College. I have to go to my old high school and get the Col. to write me a recommendation by today, or tomorrow, because the deadline is tomorrow. I really hope I get him to do it, because I am fully qualified for the scholarship.

My life has consisted of a lot of sleep lately. I've avoided going to the Safehouse on a regular basis. Usually it's either only the weekends, the pool tourney, and sometimes during the day to hang out with Robby and Veronica.

Grant comes home on Monday. But leaves again for Erie, PA to see his parents. And then to Colombus, OH to see Nathan. and then he might be going to Flordia to meet some guys in this squadron he wants to transfer to within the coming year.

Life has gotten better. I think this is partially due to the fact that I've tried not to sweat the bad things that have happened along the way. Like when the car broke, I took it extremley well. I didn't cry. I just accepted it, and moved on. Or the fight with an old friend. I apologized, and didn't let myself feel guilty. or the aaron situation. Didn't get mad, just found a cuter boy to date.

I am making an appointment with this therapist that charges 150 per session. He has a PHD and my friend says he's really easy to open up to because he actually listens. She goes twice a week. I think for now, I'll go once a week or every two weeks. I'd like to help rid a lot of the anger I've been feeling.

I'm in a very transitional phase of my life. Things are coming together, partially due to luck, and partially due to effort. It feels rewarding. For real.

I can't wait until my graduation. A lot of people I wouldn't expect to go want to go. This makes me happy that everyone else would treat it like such a big deal, because it feels like a huge thing to me. Besides, I couldn't have done it without the people who are attending.

I can't wait to get my new car. I think i've decided to get an 05 honda accord, coupe. Silver, with tinted windows, black leather seats, manual transmission 6-speed, 6 disc in-dash CD player, alarm, and navigation system. I also want to find a really good orthodontist to help me estimate what it will cost to get my teeth fixed. And then I'll tell my dad, and in the next 2-3 months, I'll have a pretty smile, a new car, and college all taken care of. And my mom will have a house, so I won't have to pay rent while I'm in school. Or I was thinking I could get a nice place, and prepay my rent for a year, and not have to worry. And with buying the car outright, I won't have to worry about payments. or insurance, which my dad will prepay for a year on my car.

It's nice to get breaks in life, let me tell you. I've never gotten many, and it's about damn time!

I feel extremley blessed.

P/s The Good Life @ Solar Culture tonight.