Oh my god....

There's so much to say, but I just don't feel words could do any justice for the way this whole day has gone.

No, it's not bad. It's not great either. Actually, it's a plethora of things, but definately has nothing to do with drama. As a matter of fact, it's so far from that, you probably have no fucking idea what I'm talking about.

I bet you want to know.

Let's just say...I've grown up. A LOT. and I realized tonight who supports me (from two very long conversations), and knows what I want in my life, and is willing to motivate me and actually be there for me. I've chosen who I'm letting go of. It was hard, but it has to be done.

God. Why didn't all this happen sooner?

Lauren, although you probably don't read this since you don't have an SG account...I fucking love you. I realized after our 3 hour conversation in person today, that you have been more of a fucking friend without even being there (for your own reasons of course), than anyone else in the past 5 years has been to me (besides Dace). And now I know you're here, in my life, and ready to be there. And stay. And that you love me. and that you respect me. and trust me. And you not only see, but helped me fully realize the potential i have right in front of me...and not only are you supportive of everything we discussed that is going to happen in my life, but you're actions have spoken louder than words. And you are right by my side, as I am with you and your accomplishments....and for once I feel as if things are mutual between a friend and I. especially a female friend at that. of all people, I chose to call, the day I had to admit myself into the hospital, I called you. You carried my ass in there crying, wanting to throw up, and you sat next to me for hours until they made you leave. and when you came to visit me, i knew it wasn't an inconveniance for you. I didn't have to beg you. You suprised me. I cannot believe the tremendous amount of faith we have in eachother, and more so, that we're actually on the same level. And to finally know I have a friend who is going in the same direction as me. I love you. I really do.

And the conversation with Greg went great. I'm smart enough to back off when I felt a gut instinct that it wasn't going to further to anything more. And instead of sticking around out of desperation for companionship, I decided to do what was right. And for once, he actually listened to what I had to say...and told me he respected me for being so open, honest, and adult with my atttitude towards the situation. We have agreed to be just friends, and I couldn't feel anymore better. and am extremley happy that I still have him as my friend.

Sure sleeping alone might take a bit of getting used to, but I'm such a strong person...I'll be fine.

And then the other person who I feel is more of my family than my friend, Shell...leaves today. I drive her to the airport at 7 am. it makes me sad...but i'm happy to have met the sweetest girl in the whole world. she's the most selfless, giving, kind-hearted, genuine, non-judgemental, intelligent, giggly, smily, postive person you'd ever meet. She left me the sweetest comment on myspace, and it made me cry, as it did her as she wrote it. I'm going to miss her to fucking pieces. and so is my heart, while it is in pieces.

*sigh* today should have happened a long time ago. but better late than never.

♥

P.S. Now one of my most favorite people is online...Nathan. And I feel this day is complete.

P.P.S. AND...now, Grant's mother just IMed me. Wow...this day could not get any better!