Day 3 - Pork Products, Alluded Birthday Spankings and Episiotomies 101

Friday began the preparations for Rachel's birthday shindig. Accompanied by the lovely KaiKai, we made our way to the supermarket for the various foodstuffs for aforementioned shindig. We then went to the liquor store (what's a birthday w/o alcohol?) and then decided to get some breakfast.





Staying in a kosher household means restrictions on quite a bit of foods. I am a picky eater.

You understand the quandry.

Thankfully, it was permissible to bring in other foods, as long as none of them required reheating. Therefore, we made our way back home, and I got a big horking order of home fries and enough pig to keep me satiated.

Now, I had found out that the next day we would need to have business casual dress for our trip to the Hustler Club (more on this later). I did not pack for this.



So, on I walked...





...and snapped a few pics along the way to the local Sears to pick myself up a nice shirt and pants.

Yet again, I will reiterate that Rachel lives in a quiet lovely little slice of suburbia. That and, aside from one evening, you couldn't have asked for nicer weather for my time there.

Soon, it was time for baking and cooking and such. As much as I tried to use what culinary experience I have to help out, I was kicked out of the kitchen more often than not.

Pfft. Am I right, guys?

The first guest to show up was the lovely zoomusikgrl.



Then, the lovely couple/expecting parents mydogfarted and khoos.





It was because of the mom-to-be that I learned for the first time the inner machinations of an episiotomy.

TAINT CUTTING. No thanks...no thanks.

Beer and alcohol were had...



...as were scrumptious cupcakes, affectionately named "nipple cakes"...







(I, of course, went for the full-on obscenity. Ladies, he's single! )

...as we enjoyed many a round of Apples to Apples. Good party game, especially when you've a twisted sense of humor and you're three sheets to the wind.



Also, Vagina Cake!

Soon, our female party-goers posed for a picture.



But MDF and I, being the only penised ones in the group, would not be ignored.



Now, see, that is a level of professional courtesy you just don't see in this day and age. He's cupping the balls, kids. Now that is dedication!



Pretty soon, it was time for everyone to take their leave. I had to get some rest, for tomorrow would be a day of firsts for me...

Day 4 - Your Humble Narrator in The Dirty Jerz

Most of the day was spent relaxing @home (as Rachel was sleeping off the drinky until the late afternoon ). But, soon it was time to take our leave...



...via cab...





...and the Long Island Railroad (which is also our next stop on thefreak Toilet Tour), en route to Penn Station once again. More be-bopping would ensue as we took a trip...on the NJ Transit.

Now, your Humble Narrator, up to this point, despite his love of the New Jersey Devils, Kevin Smith and the like (FUCK Bon Jovi!), had never visited the Garden State. So, of course, I was giddy as a motherfucker.

We were soon @Newark(?) Station, where we waited for MDF to come pick us up.



I took a picture of this...cattail...statue...thing, as well as cursed the shitting lighting therein. I also took the time to ham it up a little bit.



Now, for this picture to work, you're supposed to be able to actually see the sign, which was a "One Way" sign, which was, of course, pointing the other way. And wacky humor would ensue.

But oh, no, my camera would be stymied by reflective sign glare.

GAH!

This would work to my advantage, however, as I was unable to unearth the scourge of Demon Traffic Cones.



Rachel decided to be a little hermit for the camera.



Pretty soon, MDF arrived, and we were on our way to fellow member Infinity's 21st birthday celebration.

Our first stop?



That's right, kids! For you Sopranos fans out there, we went to Satin Dolls for some liquor and big, beautiful, bouncing bikini boobies. And I will tell you, as I sat there entranced, I said to myself, "Self, you don't care whether they're fake or real, you just want to motorboat them." This holds true to this very day.



It was also here that I met a veritable bevy of members for the first time. Besides the birthday boy (who, I have to say was quite the little trooper working through his nervousness/slight drunkeness to hand the lovely ladies dollar bills...way to go, man. ), I met zoomusikgrl's S.O. JustBlaze (who wears a beard I'm quite jealous of...more on that later), SGNJ owner derceto, rickrolled and arbitraria.

After the Wholesome Christian Fun, we (sans MDF) made our way to QXT's, which is some goth...club...thing? Hilarity of Yours Truly being in a nightclub, Number 1, and being in a goth club, Number 2, aside, it was an interesting time. Also, I got to meet a few more members(!!!), including minimalism (who is quite the dapper fellow, I must say) and skeletonbaby. I'm hoping I'm not forgetting anybody, but I was a weensy bit stoned.



I was handedly defeated in a Beard-Off w/JustBlaze and derceto. Seriously, how can I compete w/that?







While most of those kids possessed things like rhythm and coordination, I was more than happy to stay off the dance floor, mingle, and get more pics.

The one black mark was the bouncer refusing to help me out in keeping up my reputation of Interweb Hilarity by letting me take a mock pic of him throwing me out.

Bastard.



Now that is the face of a drunken birthday boy.



See what I mean?

As Rachel and I said our goodbyes and made our way back to the train station (and I, despite having no clue as to where I was, keeping Rachel from having a mini freak-out), I managed to take even more random pics.





*salutes* Go Devils.

It was an eventful evening, and I got to meet a lot of cool people. Little did I know that the next night, my last night in NY, would help my vaca end w/a bang. As well as make me absolutely frightened of touching Jagermeister ever again...

STAY TUNED FOR PART 2B

Day 1 - My Arrival to the Big Apple

The early morn broke to me waiting for my good, non-member friend Keith to drive me from the mountain town in which I reside to the Alewife T station. Upon arrival, I took the time to have the first of many smoke breaks along the way, enjoy the warm and seasonable weather, and, of course, take pics.



I was soon on the subway and on my way to South Station, to ride the rails further and arrive in NYC.







My trip via Amtrak was pleasurable, and gave me time to relax, play some Nintendo DS, and also indulge in one of my more...unorthodox activities.

I don't know what caused it, but whenever I travel, I have this innate desire to take pictures of bathrooms. Toilets, to be more precise. So, the first stop on thefreak's Toilet Tour, is of one of the Acela Express's offerings.





I enjoyed a couple of Heineys along the way, which, of course, led to more trips to the bathroom. Breaking the seal just sucks, am I right, kids?





If memory serves, these two were taken in Connecticut and New York, respectively. Where, exactly, is what escapes me.

Upon my arrival to Penn Station, I then proceeded to speak w/the lovely Rachel (aka Sharona1881) via phone and go through the step-by-step process of navigating that monstrosity and get on the Long Island Railroad, make my way to Queens/LI, and take a cab to her domicile. Given that I arrived in the late afternoon, the rest of the day was used for rest. We relaxed, smoked up, and watched both No Reservations (not my cup of tea, but not terrible) and Zodiac (a decent flick, which IMO bordered a bit on black comedy...don't ask me why or how). We soon retired to bed, ready for my first trek into the city of this vacation.

Day 2 - Big Buildings, Japanese Mascots, and a Non-Useless Baldwin

Now, before we left for NYC, I decided to take another smoke break and walk around the neighborhood.



It's a quite lovely and quiet slice of suburbia, yet only a hop, skip and jump to the general hustle and bustle of the city. Somewhere I could see myself residing, even w/some of the random and, lets be honest, garish houses popping up.



Yes, kids...it's pink. And I didn't even get a picture of the CHROME(!!!) gate out front.

Pretty soon, we were @the LIRR station waiting to make our journey.





It's nice to know they're willing to warn upstart, amputee stickmen w/urges to kick passing trains.



As we rode, I started to plan out my day, for I would be going @it alone, as my host had a previous engagement babysitting. I was up to the challenge, granted I didn't get mugged and/or molested.

Upon our arrival to Penn Station, we said our quick goodbyes, and I prepared my small-town self to venture forth. First off, what better way to start the day than taking a jaunt to Madison Square Garden?



For those of you who've never been, they have this area w/several picture walls showcasing some of MSG's most memorable moments? Of course, being the dork that I am, what did I instantly gravitate to?



Hulk Hogan...



...and Elvis.

After soaking it in, I realized I was in dire need of some food. So, it was time to walk back into Penn Station and find some num-nums.



A natural-casing hot dog, salty fries, and a refreshing lemonade did the trick.

And yes, I wholeheartedly admit to reading The New York Post. I'm not ashamed of it, either.









I have a hard-on for cityscapes, which is painfully obvious.

I soon made my way to Rockefeller Center, which is always a sight to behold, especially on a day where you couldn't ask for nicer weather.





Now, this next picture I just have to share the quick backstory on, simply because of my unhealthy obsession w/monkeys.



I found a 20-something tourist couple (German, I believe) snapping a picture of this cheeky specimen. And I nearly peed. After asking permission to get photographic proof, I took the above, thanked the lovely couple, and headed on my way again.

I soon found myself @a crossroads. Do I, as a Conan O'Brien fan (and fellow Masshole), visit the revered NBC Studios...



...or the equally revered Radio City Music Hall?



I think we all know who wins...



That's right, baby. Into the Cone-Zone we go!

Now, as I'm perusing the wares of the NBC gift shop, I see a small group of people gathered around a large window with cameras, cell phones, and the like. This piques my interest. So, I make my way to join them, and what do my eyes see?



Wait...is that...



Why, it is! Mr. She's Having a Baby and Miami Blues himself, Alec Baldwin. Turns out they were filming 30 Rock (which I haven't watched myself, but I hear good things) right outside, so I was rather giddy to have my first celebrity sighting in NYC.

Wow, good goin', FAG. You really made the world a better place, didn't ya, FAG?

That Team America quote was just for you, sillyokio.

I then proceeded to join the NBC Experience tour. Though, sadly, no cameras were allowed on the tour (I believe copyright concerns were cited), it was an interesting little romp. I wasn't able to visit the Late Night set due to taping (BOOOOOOO!), we visited the NBC Nightly News set, the Today set, as well as the Saturday Night Live set (which is really quite small in person, very surprising how much show they do in such a confined space). I also got the chance to ham it up a little Freak-style, as I volunteered to read a mock news report for the rest of the tour group (I had a desk! And a Teleprompter! EEEEEEEEEEE!) while one of the other gentlemen did an honest-to goodness green screen weather report. Fun times were had.

After I exited, I made my way to a familiar stomping ground...



That's right. I'm that much of a dork. For those of you curious as to my Nintendo World experience, feel free to read the entry from my previous NY trip in April of last year. Pretty much the same, just different games and whathaveyou.

Now, if memory serves, it was about this time I started feeling the pangs of hunger yet again. So I decided to go Mexican.





I'm sure many of you NYC lifers reading this blog want to slap my dome for going to such vanilla eating establishments. What can I say? It was in my path of walking. Bring me out to the city again, then you can help me atone for my culinary faux pas.

I also found myself in the middle of Times Square. Neon and video screens as far as the eye can see. I nearly peed (I really should get that checked).







I made my way into the above Virgin Megastore, and proceeded to peruse the three floors of various electronic goodness.

Now, kids, I feel the need to stop here and go onto a little side story.

As the hours ticked by, I started to get a little lonely.



But I would not be alone for long, for what did I come across but an absolute rarity on this side of the globe...



A wild Domo-kun! It appeared he was trying to relax in a close approximation of his natural habitat...



...outside the Comfort Inn. I approached cautiously, not wanting to startle him. But once he took a look @the shirt I was wearing, he realized I meant him no harm.



We quickly became the best of friends.



As a gesture of our newfound respective travel companionship, we made our way to O'Briens Irish Pub to grab a cold one and rest my weary feet (keep in mind, I was doing all this traversing on foot).

My little friend tried to buy some refreshment of his own...



...but it turns out he's more of a lightweight that I am.



I was more than happy to finish it off.



My hetero life-mate and I soon made our way back to Penn Station, and sat down to rest.





The time soon came to meet up w/Rachel as well as fellow Masshole turned NYC transplant KaiKai and make our way back home. Much preparation was in order for Rachel's impending birthday festivities...

PART 2 COMING SOON