I.

Am.

The.

Luckiest.

Man.

Alive.

Started work today at the best job I've ever had, 4 months after meeting the most awesome woman ever.

What am I going to owe the devil after this?

4th of July and a long walk through the neighborhood. Nothing to make you realize how alone you are like seeing the rest of the world gathering with their friends and family for barbecues and beer. The people I care about are all having their own good times with their own friends and families, none of which include me. And I understand that the people I care about don't care all that much about me. So the abandoned becomes the abandoner becomes the abandoned. Cosmic balance. Financially limited and socially isolated, I spend the night at home alone with a microwave dinner and not even the money for a beer of my own.

But the circle turns. Here's to a better life in a year or two.

Cheers.

Welcome to the Vortex:

www.myspace.com/totalperspectivevortex

Information Overload.

The world is big. Have you ever noticed that? I mean really, really huge. Not just the world, but the number of people in it. And so many of these people are writing, making music, making art, posting blogs (like this) . . . it gets a little overwhelming. How do you cut through all the millions and millions of voices in the world to find the ones you really want to hear? There are so many great independent musicians out there, but how do you cut through the static to find the ones you really want to hear? It's not about quality anymore, and just finding highly rated artists or writers or what have you . . . the volume is so great that even among the best of the best, there are still so many choices that unless you have the luxury of spending all day searching, you still might never connect with those really great ones who are out there. Forget about finding artists . . . just finding people--friends, lovers, whatever--you'd get along best with is an immense task. There are more choices than ever before in the history of civilization, but that just makes the the act of finding all the more difficult. It's a daunting world we live in. The potential is amazing, but how do we make the best possible use of it? I wish I knew the answer.

Hi there, kids.

Let's get right down to it, today. Ever wonder what, really, is the difference between the Communists and the Capitalists? Other than each thinking the other is evil, of course.

I'm starting to think: very little. Communists want to redistribute wealth throughout the society of which every citizen is a member. Capitalists want to redistribute wealth to everyone who has already bought into the capitalist ideal: i.e. stockholders. Someone who has made a conscious decision to buy into that particular scheme. It could be someone who has worked hard for the money to invest in that ideal, or somebody who has inherited the money through no effort of his own. The system does not distinguish between the two, but it's probably an average between the communist idea. That everyone can be a co-owner in the means of production and benefit from the fruits of their labor.

I recently left a job at a large public corporation. And the funny thing about corporations is that the corporation itself is like a communist society unto itself: everything you do is for the good of the "Company," just as in a communist society, everything you do is for the good of the "State." The main difference is that communist nations tend to take action to make you stay; corporations tend to make you leave, if you aren't part of their grand design. That is to say, if they feel that they can be more productive and profitable without you than with you. As near as I can tell, that's the only real difference. I left of my own choice, because it was the choice that was right for me. Lots of my friends were not so lucky, but ultimately, I think they'll be better off in the future.

I'm not judging either side. I think they both have they're pros and cons. I'm just noticing that they're really more alike than different, and it's funny that either one thinks the other is the devil incarnate. So quick to point the finger and label the other as the scourge of society, when most of us just want to make the world a better place. We just have different ideas of the best way to do it.

Terran's Blog! Back by popular demand!

So, I had an interesting night. Had one of those "tipsy" conversations with a good friend about relationships and polyamory and on and on and on. It's very sad to hear about when people you care about who have been together for a long time are having problems, but it highlights some of the difficulties that result from the traditional relationship paradigm. Her thought was, "Why can't things be a bit more fluid . . . we have our relationships with the people we care about, but sometimes there's something additional that comes along, and if only we could explore that without hurting the other person so badly." Yes, and in both my past experience and her past experience, it's been the "new" person that has presented the difficulty.

"I don't know nothin' about this multiple person stuff . . . I want you to leave the person you're with to be with me and only me."

Meh.

But I see the other side of it, too. We spend our lives looking for this goal. We want to fine that perfect person and then create a mutually exclusive relationship where we're everything to each other and we never need anyone or anything else. I used to be that way myself. The first time I was presented with a poly-type of situation, I was appalled. My girlfriend at the time talked about her and her lady friend sharing their boyfriends, and it weirded me out to no end. I just couldn't grasp it. Five years later (long after THAT ship had sailed), I'd done a 180 and it was all I could see being a realistic scenario for a healthy relationship. Go figure. But I can definitely see how that traditional perspective can block out anything out of the ordinary. So difficult.

Especially for all of us 30-somethings with steady relationships and no kids.

I've thought a lot about multiple-adult households. I think it would be nice. So much more . . . lively than two people living together and doing their own things and maybe eating dinner together and maybe not. Dammit, I want a family, not just a roommate. Wouldn't it be nice to say, "You know, I think tonight I'm going to spend the night with Joe instead of Jim. Yeah, that'd be fuckin' sweet." But it hurts people so much to have somebody else involved with "your woman." I know it does. I've been there.

And speaking of being there, what the hell happened to me somewhere along the line to go from, "OH MY GOD I'D FUCKING KILL YOU IF I CAUGHT YOU IN BED WITH SOMEBODY ELSE" to "OH MY GOD I'D GET OFF SO FUCKING GREAT IF I CAME HOME ONE DAY TO SEE YOU FUCKING ANOTHER GUY." Because really, that transition happened almost overnight for me. It was almost literally like one day, her sleeping with somebody else would kill me, and the next, it was the greatest, most fucking awesome thought in the entire universe and OH MY GOD HOW CAN I LIVE WITHOUT EVER EXPERIENCING GETTING TO SEE THIS.

It's like a razor's edge, you know? Agony and ecstasy within millimeters of each other, and you can walk that edge never knowing which way you might tip from one moment to the next. But it's living, and I'll take a real, serious attempt at life any day over the kind of living death that occurs when you go about your day afraid of your own shadow. Afraid that you'll realize your worst fears . . . Oh my god, your woman got sexual gratification from someone else!!! (Dear sweet Jesus, what if his dick's bigger than mine????) Classic John Cusack quote from High Fidelity: "No one in the history of the world has ever had better sex than the sex they're having right now . . . IN MY HEAD."

If you really love somebody, if you're close enough to that person that her joy truly becomes your joy, through and through, then whatever joy she experiences, whether provided by you or by someone else, should still belong to you and be enjoyed by you, no matter what. I wonder how many people go through life without ever realizing the amazing ecstasy that can come with knowing your partner is having the time of her life. By getting to experience her fulfillment vicariously. Or maybe I'm crazy and I'm just a dirty fucking pervert. Either way, I dig my life and this is the only me I know how to be. Deal with it motherfuckers!

That's it for now brothers and sisters, I'll try to keep up on my thoughts a bit more frequently in the future. Peace, and love each other with all your worth or I'll kick your asses! I mean it. I'm watching you.

Life's too harsh and brief for regrets and remorse. Lovin' it, babies.

-T

All right, that's it. I'm done fucking around. Come here, life, I'm gonna make you my bitch.

Rock and roll, motherfuckers!

'Nuff said.

Note to self:

Refrain from excessive alcohol consumption in the presence of co-workers. That's just trouble waiting to happen.

Ugh.

Anyway, though, I feel better than I have been. Finally got some sleep. Realized I'm not quite as Vulcan as I thought I was . . . stupid illogical emotions can still get the best of me now and then, leaving me restless and anxious and making me act like an asshole. At least I'm learning better how to put the pieces back together after an emotional upheaval.

This must require more meditation!

Jesus, I feel like shit.

Somebody I care a lot about hurt me in a way I haven't been hurt in a while.

Problem is that I responded by telling her I didn't want to see her anymore. It felt like the right thing to do before I walked in to talk to her, to protect myself and to salvage what little is left of my self-respect after so many other painful things that have happened to me over the last few years. But when you're face to face with somebody you adore and you have to sever that connection . . . I don't know if I'll ever be able to sleep again. And I know she's got a lot of issues right now . . . I feel like I'm abandoning her in a time of need, regardless of the horrible things I feel she did.

I hope I did the right thing. I really don't know . . . this is the first time I've had the gumption to stand up for myself in a situation like this. So often, I feel like I'm the doormat for everybody to walk on. And I hate being that person, but I never wanted to hurt anybody. Not even if they hurt me first. I'm not a vengeful person. I hate this.

I don't do this to people. This isn't me. I wish I could have found a more productive way of dealing with this.

The saving grace is that she's probably better off. My confidence in my ability to maintain a healthy relationship is about zero right now--I doubt I could have made her happy.

13 days into 2008, and every one of them I've been sick, working, or both. Is it 2009 yet?

On to other things . . .

I wonder how much time and energy I spend with my brain just trying to hold off anxiety. I've found a lot of things . . . convoluted cognitions and mental manipulations . . . meditative meanderings that seem to work, but at what cost? I probably spend half my day just trying to do brain maintenance. Maybe it's not that bad, but it annoys me to think of how much more productive I could be if my cranial resources were freed up to work on things that were actually important or significant. I've always felt like there's this realizational breakthrough that if I could just get there, the world would become clear and I'd gain understanding, top to bottom, of the futility of anxiety and the fear would just . . . vanish. I feel like I touch it every now and then, briefly, like a moth flitting against your temple--there for a split second and gone again. Seeing the world outside yourself, knowing the greater perspective that puts all your worries into their proper proportions. Nothing spiritual or lame like that . . . just knowing, knowing, the scope of the universe and your place in it and understanding throughout the darkest reaches of your conscious and subconscious mind that your fear is more a hindrance than a help, and letting it subside naturally as a result.

Well, today is better, than yesterday, and yesterday better than the day before, stretching back for about a year. Maybe I'll never get where I want to be, but at least we seem to be moving the boat forward.