why do people lie?
why can't a person just be honest? regardless of consequence. when i was young my parents said its always better to tell us the truth right away than for us to find out later you lied. i've been lied to far far too many times to take a lie from someone i never thought would lie to me. i think thats what makes this so bad.
still, lying, i don't understand it. even when you KNOW that i would much rather know the truth than to KNOW you are lying. burn me once, thats all i need and i'm gone. so why am i not gone?
even if you told me that the sky is down, even if you said its 8 when its really 5. i don't care what you lie to me about, just don't fucking lie. it makes me feel like you don't respect me and you dont' care enough for me to care. you wouldn't have done what you did in the first place but still, i know, you know i know, why are you lying?!?!?!?!
why can't a person just be honest? regardless of consequence. when i was young my parents said its always better to tell us the truth right away than for us to find out later you lied. i've been lied to far far too many times to take a lie from someone i never thought would lie to me. i think thats what makes this so bad.
still, lying, i don't understand it. even when you KNOW that i would much rather know the truth than to KNOW you are lying. burn me once, thats all i need and i'm gone. so why am i not gone?
even if you told me that the sky is down, even if you said its 8 when its really 5. i don't care what you lie to me about, just don't fucking lie. it makes me feel like you don't respect me and you dont' care enough for me to care. you wouldn't have done what you did in the first place but still, i know, you know i know, why are you lying?!?!?!?!
I got my test results back.
I have anemia but not thyroid problems. The endometriosis can't be diagnosed with a blood test, just a biopsy. hopefully the new birth control will help. So I guess I'm lucky with the lesser of the 3 evils.
I have an awesome boyfriend. my bestfriend, my soulmate, my penguin, my superman, my heart.
i
love
him.
i love chai tea lattes too.
I have anemia but not thyroid problems. The endometriosis can't be diagnosed with a blood test, just a biopsy. hopefully the new birth control will help. So I guess I'm lucky with the lesser of the 3 evils.
I have an awesome boyfriend. my bestfriend, my soulmate, my penguin, my superman, my heart.
i
love
him.
i love chai tea lattes too.
Endometriosis, thyroid problems and anemia.
All possiblities according to my doctor.
Great.
Thanks a lot Karma cheif. I think I'm going to start kicking babies and slapping old people because I'm not getting anywhere being a good person.
Infertility is calling my name. I think I'd die if I couldn't have children. Honest.
All possiblities according to my doctor.
Great.
Thanks a lot Karma cheif. I think I'm going to start kicking babies and slapping old people because I'm not getting anywhere being a good person.
Infertility is calling my name. I think I'd die if I couldn't have children. Honest.
I need a life doctor. Do those exist?
I feel like I need to go to the doc for an insane amount of stuff. Mostly stuff I don't want to find out I have.
I miss my Mom. October is Breast Cancer Awareness month and I can't help but laugh when I see pink Campbells soup cans and pink M&M's. Its kind of desensitizing. Instead of buying objects, why not devote your time to the cause. 2 cents from all that actually goes to research, sad but true. I've seriously thought about going to school to be a nurse just so I can work at the research center here in Albuquerque. I couldn't be a nurse, I don't have that off switch to my emotions that I think you require to work a job like that. Not that thats a good or bad thing. I totally give nurses credit, I just would never be able to do it. I take things to heart far far to easily. I don't know I'm rambling.
All I know is that I'm stressed, I don't feel right, and I am not me lately. I don't like this.
I feel like I need to go to the doc for an insane amount of stuff. Mostly stuff I don't want to find out I have.
I miss my Mom. October is Breast Cancer Awareness month and I can't help but laugh when I see pink Campbells soup cans and pink M&M's. Its kind of desensitizing. Instead of buying objects, why not devote your time to the cause. 2 cents from all that actually goes to research, sad but true. I've seriously thought about going to school to be a nurse just so I can work at the research center here in Albuquerque. I couldn't be a nurse, I don't have that off switch to my emotions that I think you require to work a job like that. Not that thats a good or bad thing. I totally give nurses credit, I just would never be able to do it. I take things to heart far far to easily. I don't know I'm rambling.
All I know is that I'm stressed, I don't feel right, and I am not me lately. I don't like this.
WARNING EMO POST!
I've been feeling weird lately. I have a hollow feeling in my chest and I feel like something just isn't right. The only thing that feels right is Nathan but I can't depend on him for my happiness, thats just silly. I feel like I've lost something. I feel like part of my soul is gone and I can't put my finger on it. Several things have happen lately that take little chunks out of my soul so maybe thats it? Maybe I'm missing my friends? Maybe I'm depressed....but what classifies you as depressed anymore? They give any whine-ass a persciption for prozac anymore. Sad? Prozac is your answer....so how do I know if I'm just sad?
When I had my miscarriage a year and a half ago a woman named Rita (who was a friend and boss) helped me through a lot. She was my mother figure in a minor way and in a major way helped keep me on a sane path after my ex fucked me up. I regret so very much that I've only spoken to her 3 times since I"ve moved away a year and 4 months ago. I got a call this passed weekend telling me she had passed away and her funeral was this weekend. She leaves behind 3 daughters and a son. This breaks my heart. Never have I heard of bad people being taken by an untimely death. My heart goes out to her daughters and her son. I know what its like to lose a mother, especially a young mother. I wish I could say something to them, to console them but its been almost 3 years since my mom died and I don't even know what to say to myself. I wish I could send a card saying things get better with time....but they dont. Its odd to say but I feel like I miss my mom even more now than I did 3 years ago. I hate the fact that I will get married and have children some day and my Mom won't be there to hold my hand to help me pick out my wedding dress. She won't be there when I have questions on how to potty train or if I'm giving my baby too much attention. Now I look at Ritas daughters who are all around my age within 5 years or so and I can't stand to think that they are thinking the same thing. I pray for them.
I've just become overwhelmed lately. Thinking of money and future plans and houses and parents and friends and more money. I think of all the money they are putting into this pointless war that they could be giving to people with illnesses and don't have insurance and no one will cover them. It makes me sick to think that there are dying people out there and the government could help but choose to fight a seemingly never ending war for what? Oil? Power? Pride? Freedom? When I start to think about it all I get numb, numb because there is no emotion for the state of frustration and disgust and complete paranoia I have for the path of this country. There are so many people in a position of monetary power that do nothing. For the love of God Paris Hilton could feed a whole state with the amount of money she rakes in for being completely useless. I guess this is all just a bitchfest but its good to collect all my thoughts I suppose.
I need a vacation from life. Just check out for a couple days and come back refreshed. I'd pay a pretty penny for that.
I've been feeling weird lately. I have a hollow feeling in my chest and I feel like something just isn't right. The only thing that feels right is Nathan but I can't depend on him for my happiness, thats just silly. I feel like I've lost something. I feel like part of my soul is gone and I can't put my finger on it. Several things have happen lately that take little chunks out of my soul so maybe thats it? Maybe I'm missing my friends? Maybe I'm depressed....but what classifies you as depressed anymore? They give any whine-ass a persciption for prozac anymore. Sad? Prozac is your answer....so how do I know if I'm just sad?
When I had my miscarriage a year and a half ago a woman named Rita (who was a friend and boss) helped me through a lot. She was my mother figure in a minor way and in a major way helped keep me on a sane path after my ex fucked me up. I regret so very much that I've only spoken to her 3 times since I"ve moved away a year and 4 months ago. I got a call this passed weekend telling me she had passed away and her funeral was this weekend. She leaves behind 3 daughters and a son. This breaks my heart. Never have I heard of bad people being taken by an untimely death. My heart goes out to her daughters and her son. I know what its like to lose a mother, especially a young mother. I wish I could say something to them, to console them but its been almost 3 years since my mom died and I don't even know what to say to myself. I wish I could send a card saying things get better with time....but they dont. Its odd to say but I feel like I miss my mom even more now than I did 3 years ago. I hate the fact that I will get married and have children some day and my Mom won't be there to hold my hand to help me pick out my wedding dress. She won't be there when I have questions on how to potty train or if I'm giving my baby too much attention. Now I look at Ritas daughters who are all around my age within 5 years or so and I can't stand to think that they are thinking the same thing. I pray for them.
I've just become overwhelmed lately. Thinking of money and future plans and houses and parents and friends and more money. I think of all the money they are putting into this pointless war that they could be giving to people with illnesses and don't have insurance and no one will cover them. It makes me sick to think that there are dying people out there and the government could help but choose to fight a seemingly never ending war for what? Oil? Power? Pride? Freedom? When I start to think about it all I get numb, numb because there is no emotion for the state of frustration and disgust and complete paranoia I have for the path of this country. There are so many people in a position of monetary power that do nothing. For the love of God Paris Hilton could feed a whole state with the amount of money she rakes in for being completely useless. I guess this is all just a bitchfest but its good to collect all my thoughts I suppose.
I need a vacation from life. Just check out for a couple days and come back refreshed. I'd pay a pretty penny for that.
Going to Red River
Ate Oreos for breakfast
Got sunburnt on my ass
I'm naked.
Thats all
HAVE A GOOD WEEKEND EVERYONE!!!
Ate Oreos for breakfast
Got sunburnt on my ass
I'm naked.
Thats all
HAVE A GOOD WEEKEND EVERYONE!!! I need to vent...so here it is:
I always knew in the back of my mind that my ex had fucked me up big time. I guess it doesn't really hit home until little things happen and I flip out and forget that Nate is not my ex and he is actually somebody I can trust. My ex made me feel lower that shit below lava in the earth covered in fossilized shit. I was the girlfriend who went to bed and her boyfriend stayed up and watched porn, wacked it and came to bed when he was finished and had no use for me. Does wonders for a girls self esteem let me tell you. On top of all this there was the verbal backhands letting me know when I got too self confident that I still was nothing but a worthless piece of junk. Amoung many volumes of other things that I could write a sad emo book about blah blah blah.
Cut to now, me with an amazing man that I still have no idea how I got so lucky and I have flashbacks (for lack of a better word). Nate comes home late last night from the football game and I get up (3:00am) to say hi, and chit chat a little and finally say goodnight after about 10 minutes. I get in bed, doze off for about an hour and I wake with a horrible headache. I get up and open the door to see my boyfriend watching some big boobied minimally dressed girls. He jumps, looks guilty, so I freak. I turn around and go back to bed trying to rationalize every detail that just happen. I cry because I couldn't do anything else. Nate comes in to ask me whats wrong, I confront him, he tells me it was just UFC ring girl stuff and it was nothing like what i was thinking. I piece it together in my head, clinging to anything I can believe and I start to realize.....I can believe him. There is absolutely no reason I shouldn't. He tells me to come out and look because he has nothing to hide and I feel like the biggest bitch/idiot ever. Then I start worrying that he can't deal with my "flashbacks" and he's going to tell me he can't handle it which throws me into a bigger sob-fest. It was so strange to have a man talk calmly to me. To say, "If you don't tell me whats wrong I can't fix it". At that moment I pictured my ex, yelling and using the most hurtful words and using anything he could grab in his verbal arsenal, my Dad who never used rational thought just mean hurtful words and every other man in my life who figured if you beat the woman down enough you become a bigger man.
Nate is my heart. He is my rock and the reason I breathe. To put that much faith in someone is beyond scary for me but I realized last night that he loves me unconditionally and he understands me. I've never been able to say that about anyone. He really is my Superman.
I always knew in the back of my mind that my ex had fucked me up big time. I guess it doesn't really hit home until little things happen and I flip out and forget that Nate is not my ex and he is actually somebody I can trust. My ex made me feel lower that shit below lava in the earth covered in fossilized shit. I was the girlfriend who went to bed and her boyfriend stayed up and watched porn, wacked it and came to bed when he was finished and had no use for me. Does wonders for a girls self esteem let me tell you. On top of all this there was the verbal backhands letting me know when I got too self confident that I still was nothing but a worthless piece of junk. Amoung many volumes of other things that I could write a sad emo book about blah blah blah.
Cut to now, me with an amazing man that I still have no idea how I got so lucky and I have flashbacks (for lack of a better word). Nate comes home late last night from the football game and I get up (3:00am) to say hi, and chit chat a little and finally say goodnight after about 10 minutes. I get in bed, doze off for about an hour and I wake with a horrible headache. I get up and open the door to see my boyfriend watching some big boobied minimally dressed girls. He jumps, looks guilty, so I freak. I turn around and go back to bed trying to rationalize every detail that just happen. I cry because I couldn't do anything else. Nate comes in to ask me whats wrong, I confront him, he tells me it was just UFC ring girl stuff and it was nothing like what i was thinking. I piece it together in my head, clinging to anything I can believe and I start to realize.....I can believe him. There is absolutely no reason I shouldn't. He tells me to come out and look because he has nothing to hide and I feel like the biggest bitch/idiot ever. Then I start worrying that he can't deal with my "flashbacks" and he's going to tell me he can't handle it which throws me into a bigger sob-fest. It was so strange to have a man talk calmly to me. To say, "If you don't tell me whats wrong I can't fix it". At that moment I pictured my ex, yelling and using the most hurtful words and using anything he could grab in his verbal arsenal, my Dad who never used rational thought just mean hurtful words and every other man in my life who figured if you beat the woman down enough you become a bigger man.
Nate is my heart. He is my rock and the reason I breathe. To put that much faith in someone is beyond scary for me but I realized last night that he loves me unconditionally and he understands me. I've never been able to say that about anyone. He really is my Superman.
Michigan lost....again. My fantasy football isn't going to well either. I think I'm bad luck this year. *pout*
