"And now, the end is near; and so I face the final curtain..."
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah..."
Okay... so I DON'T remember the rest of the lyrics to this song... sorry!
I lame.
Me know.
...
Lots and lots and fucking LOTS of intense life change of late...
Too much and some too personal to address in this venue...
I am not particularily talkative right now... more contemplative and thoughtful.
Yes.
I am.
It's a good thing. I need that right now.
I move to Vancouver in March. I am excited. Tiamat will become my new hanging partner, whether she likes it or not- and I will replace my legs with one big motorcycle for easier mobility to and fro.
...
Okay so I lie.
Tiamat hates me.
Heh...
This is my final post, I think. If it is... I thank anyone reading this for being alive. I thank you moreso if you really live. I kiss you with fervour if you smile all the while.
I am getting there.
To the smile.
A big one.
I think I'm finding myself... 24 years after the fact- but it comes at the right time and I'm blessed for it.
I thank you for words to me, written or otherwise and leave you with this:
A DREAM WITHIN A DREAM
by Edgar Allan Poe
Take this kiss upon the brow!
And, in parting from you now,
Thus much let me avow-
You are not wrong, who deem
That my days have been a dream;
Yet if hope has flown away
In a night, or in a day,
In a vision, or in none,
Is it therefore the less gone?
All that we see or seem
Is but a dream within a dream.
I stand amid the roar
Of a surf-tormented shore,
And I hold within my hand
Grains of the golden sand-
How few! yet how they creep
Through my fingers to the deep,
While I weepwhile I weep!
O God! can I not grasp
Them with a tighter clasp?
O God! can I not save
One from the pitiless wave?
Is all that we see or seem
But a dream within a dream?
THE END
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah..."
Okay... so I DON'T remember the rest of the lyrics to this song... sorry!
I lame.
Me know.
...
Lots and lots and fucking LOTS of intense life change of late...
Too much and some too personal to address in this venue...
I am not particularily talkative right now... more contemplative and thoughtful.
Yes.
I am.
It's a good thing. I need that right now.
I move to Vancouver in March. I am excited. Tiamat will become my new hanging partner, whether she likes it or not- and I will replace my legs with one big motorcycle for easier mobility to and fro.
...
Okay so I lie.
Tiamat hates me.
Heh...This is my final post, I think. If it is... I thank anyone reading this for being alive. I thank you moreso if you really live. I kiss you with fervour if you smile all the while.
I am getting there.
To the smile.
A big one.
I think I'm finding myself... 24 years after the fact- but it comes at the right time and I'm blessed for it.
I thank you for words to me, written or otherwise and leave you with this:
A DREAM WITHIN A DREAM
by Edgar Allan Poe
Take this kiss upon the brow!
And, in parting from you now,
Thus much let me avow-
You are not wrong, who deem
That my days have been a dream;
Yet if hope has flown away
In a night, or in a day,
In a vision, or in none,
Is it therefore the less gone?
All that we see or seem
Is but a dream within a dream.
I stand amid the roar
Of a surf-tormented shore,
And I hold within my hand
Grains of the golden sand-
How few! yet how they creep
Through my fingers to the deep,
While I weepwhile I weep!
O God! can I not grasp
Them with a tighter clasp?
O God! can I not save
One from the pitiless wave?
Is all that we see or seem
But a dream within a dream?
THE END
110011001101011010110010101010101010100000101010111111010101001100000100101010101010100100001010101111010010101111100000101001010101010101000001101010010101010100001010111110101101010000101100101111100000110101000010110111110010010011010100001011001010110100101010000111111000101001010101100100101010101010110011001101011010110010101010101010100000101010111111010101001100000100101010101010100100001010101111010010101111100000101001010101010101000001101010010101010100001010111110101101010000101100101111100000110101000010110111110010010011010100001011001010110100101010000111111000101001010101100100101010101010110011001101011010110010101010101010100000101010111111010101001100000100101010101010100100001010101111010010101111100000101001010101010101000001101010010101010100001010111110101101010000101100101111100000110101000010110111110010010011010100001011001010110100101010000111111000101001010101100100101010101010
I work in media.
I am often the scapegoat of the world's troubles...
But troubles like those in Asia with the earthquakes and tsunami's are not my fault. And not yours.
They are a natural terror- and one enough to make me cry.
A loss. Terrible loss.
I listen now all day to audio clips of disaster- and feel thankful on one hand that my family and friends were not personally afflicted- yet guilt on the other knowing I'll sleep well tonight while millions of familes have literally had peace washed away.
Sad. Very sad.
I wish I were financially suited to go there and report on the human side- past the numbers and the financial ruin. Past the tourist who lived to tell the tale.
To the people- and the hurt.
I want to inspire change.
But instead- I report on the numbers. And the financial ruin. And the tourist who lived to tell the tale.
Maybe tonight I won't sleep so well afterall.
...
Wishing the world peace and unity- and hope some good comes from this.
I'm sure their will...
I know it.
I feel a heightened awareness in myself. This is good.
And I know I'm not alone.
Love.
I am often the scapegoat of the world's troubles...
But troubles like those in Asia with the earthquakes and tsunami's are not my fault. And not yours.
They are a natural terror- and one enough to make me cry.
A loss. Terrible loss.
I listen now all day to audio clips of disaster- and feel thankful on one hand that my family and friends were not personally afflicted- yet guilt on the other knowing I'll sleep well tonight while millions of familes have literally had peace washed away.
Sad. Very sad.
I wish I were financially suited to go there and report on the human side- past the numbers and the financial ruin. Past the tourist who lived to tell the tale.
To the people- and the hurt.
I want to inspire change.
But instead- I report on the numbers. And the financial ruin. And the tourist who lived to tell the tale.
Maybe tonight I won't sleep so well afterall.
...
Wishing the world peace and unity- and hope some good comes from this.
I'm sure their will...
I know it.
I feel a heightened awareness in myself. This is good.
And I know I'm not alone.
Love.
BLAG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here is a brand frickin new profile picture of me on Christmas!
I am partying with me dearest allies ever.
Hence forth; I shall commence a Christmas extravaganza of similar proportions on a semi-regular basis!
My finger kinda hurts at the moment- and I'm tired and cold and lonely.
SO
I end with a sweet little poem.
Potato Chips.
Or caramel?
Why is it always...
A thought in the dark.
When the clock-
Expanding into it.
Takes a break.
The fountain flows.
And yet it is.
How it should be.
And be it now.
As not for me.
TADDDDDDDDDDA
End of that.
Here is a brand frickin new profile picture of me on Christmas!
I am partying with me dearest allies ever.
Hence forth; I shall commence a Christmas extravaganza of similar proportions on a semi-regular basis!
My finger kinda hurts at the moment- and I'm tired and cold and lonely.
SO
I end with a sweet little poem.
Potato Chips.
Or caramel?
Why is it always...
A thought in the dark.
When the clock-
Expanding into it.
Takes a break.
The fountain flows.
And yet it is.
How it should be.
And be it now.
As not for me.
TADDDDDDDDDDA
End of that.
Well, I've been wonderfully entertained the last little while.
My work in the miniseries is awesome.
My finances are great.
I am helping to shoot a commercial tomorrow.
I am feeling magnificently positive that some serious success is on it's way... like quick.
SO BUSY THOUGH!
But I love it. I love being entertained by what should be work.
Anyway, I won't be renewing my account... I just don't have time anymore... and while a number of people I enjoy talking too: I still have an email and hell, even a phone number.. so if it is meant to be.. these two forms of communication will be used.
I will miss those who I will... (I'm sad I didn't get to meet some of you at the Xmas party
) but those who I won't I happily leave in the dust. (Not to sound bitter! 
)
SO, I'll be around for a while, and I'll certainly enjoy it, but just wanted to explain when I appear in grey what's up! (Anyone know how to tell where the expiry date is?)
Other news?
I believe I will be moving to Europe for 6 months in the new year... so exciting!
I am completing editing on my two films pretty quick- and they look pretty awesome!
I love life!
Sincerest wishes to you that the holiday season- stripped of all religious meaning- leaves you well and blessed- and you fully realize your uniqueness and ability to tell the whole you've arrived... and won't take no for an answer.
Raise your hand and smile. Scream and shout.
Enjoy Yourself.
My work in the miniseries is awesome.
My finances are great.
I am helping to shoot a commercial tomorrow.
I am feeling magnificently positive that some serious success is on it's way... like quick.
SO BUSY THOUGH!
But I love it. I love being entertained by what should be work.
Anyway, I won't be renewing my account... I just don't have time anymore... and while a number of people I enjoy talking too: I still have an email and hell, even a phone number.. so if it is meant to be.. these two forms of communication will be used.
I will miss those who I will... (I'm sad I didn't get to meet some of you at the Xmas party
) but those who I won't I happily leave in the dust. (Not to sound bitter! )SO, I'll be around for a while, and I'll certainly enjoy it, but just wanted to explain when I appear in grey what's up! (Anyone know how to tell where the expiry date is?)
Other news?
I believe I will be moving to Europe for 6 months in the new year... so exciting!
I am completing editing on my two films pretty quick- and they look pretty awesome!
I love life!
Sincerest wishes to you that the holiday season- stripped of all religious meaning- leaves you well and blessed- and you fully realize your uniqueness and ability to tell the whole you've arrived... and won't take no for an answer.
Raise your hand and smile. Scream and shout.
Enjoy Yourself.
Ha! An update!
Yes! Oh yes!
BLAH!!!!
I am feeling much more grounded and less full of horror and unfortunatitude than previous posts suggested. I am well.
In fact, I'd say I'm about fucking awesome right about now.
AND no drugs or alcohol were used in the making of this post... so there.
I seriousness.. I have successfully finished TWO films.. or at least production... now comes post-production editing and such.. but that I enjoy..
I also have been and will continue to get some fairly good work on that mini-series (Terminal City) filming in Victoria right now... I really enjoy that.
I have been "letting loose" of late as the old saying goes... and enjoying the sweet satan out of it... like a lot and such.
Tonight: Rainbow Elf and Oktober and I watch the Star Wars Holiday Special.... Uhh... it is "cool"?
No. It sucks.. but in a good way... It's like me actually...
Endearing and a big fool. But loveable. Truly!
Okay... so whatever... I digress... however to digress suggests I had something intelligent to say before that- which as we all know is a damned LIE.
Okay.. fib.
Anyway: to end...
THOUGHT OF THE MOMENT:
The idea of getting into someones head is often attractive to me... understanding what makes them work.. and why.
It is also a healthy way to learn what about you is a positive thing and a negative thing.
People watch!
It's so much fun and you can- without personally judging people, learn from their actions what you see as desirable characteristics versus negative ones.
Many of both you may link to yourself.
I learn best of myself through the actions of others.
...
Many good wishes to you all.
I apologize for my lack of posts and responses... It will improve this week, I assure!
And thank you all... so much.. for being so amazingly supportive... It really was appreciated and at the time needed.
I think you are super!
Yes! Oh yes!
BLAH!!!!
I am feeling much more grounded and less full of horror and unfortunatitude than previous posts suggested. I am well.
In fact, I'd say I'm about fucking awesome right about now.
AND no drugs or alcohol were used in the making of this post... so there.
I seriousness.. I have successfully finished TWO films.. or at least production... now comes post-production editing and such.. but that I enjoy..
I also have been and will continue to get some fairly good work on that mini-series (Terminal City) filming in Victoria right now... I really enjoy that.
I have been "letting loose" of late as the old saying goes... and enjoying the sweet satan out of it... like a lot and such.
Tonight: Rainbow Elf and Oktober and I watch the Star Wars Holiday Special.... Uhh... it is "cool"?
No. It sucks.. but in a good way... It's like me actually...
Endearing and a big fool. But loveable. Truly!
Okay... so whatever... I digress... however to digress suggests I had something intelligent to say before that- which as we all know is a damned LIE.
Okay.. fib.
Anyway: to end...
THOUGHT OF THE MOMENT:
The idea of getting into someones head is often attractive to me... understanding what makes them work.. and why.
It is also a healthy way to learn what about you is a positive thing and a negative thing.
People watch!
It's so much fun and you can- without personally judging people, learn from their actions what you see as desirable characteristics versus negative ones.
Many of both you may link to yourself.
I learn best of myself through the actions of others.
...
Many good wishes to you all.
I apologize for my lack of posts and responses... It will improve this week, I assure!
And thank you all... so much.. for being so amazingly supportive... It really was appreciated and at the time needed.
I think you are super!
I am sad.
Still and again.
And why I tell you this I don't know.
I don't know many of you very well... some of you I've never met.
...
Things aren't well right now... in many venues of my existance. And I am sorry that things are the way they are. And I wish things could change. But I don't think they will.
I am sad.
Not depressed. I've been depressed. This is different.
This is situation based. This is not hormonal. This is not an imbalance.
I pride myself on being upbeat. I strive for the best in life. I work fucking hard to make it.
And then I don't.
And then I fuck up, or someone else fucks up, or the whole fucking world decides it wants to screw around and mess up what should have been.
And then it isn't.
I apologize for not being more active in comments. I am so busy right now my head can barely sit safely on my head.
I miss my friends. I miss my love. I miss my life.
I am so emo sounding right now... but it is born of truth. EMOtion runs rampant.
Thank god for the bright lights... they still beckon... and I hear them.
Will I answer.
Of course. When the time is right.
But not now.
The timing is all off.
Be well.
Still and again.
And why I tell you this I don't know.
I don't know many of you very well... some of you I've never met.
...
Things aren't well right now... in many venues of my existance. And I am sorry that things are the way they are. And I wish things could change. But I don't think they will.
I am sad.
Not depressed. I've been depressed. This is different.
This is situation based. This is not hormonal. This is not an imbalance.
I pride myself on being upbeat. I strive for the best in life. I work fucking hard to make it.
And then I don't.
And then I fuck up, or someone else fucks up, or the whole fucking world decides it wants to screw around and mess up what should have been.
And then it isn't.
I apologize for not being more active in comments. I am so busy right now my head can barely sit safely on my head.
I miss my friends. I miss my love. I miss my life.
I am so emo sounding right now... but it is born of truth. EMOtion runs rampant.
Thank god for the bright lights... they still beckon... and I hear them.
Will I answer.
Of course. When the time is right.
But not now.
The timing is all off.
Be well.
I am rather somber today... but I have a multitude of reasons to explain my depressed state... none of which I will do so here.
Nonetheless... from a sense of lost zeal can come some good..
I always have catalogued emotive state through writing; whether poetry or prose and thusly, for you, (and me) I have the following work of depression...
I call it:
No Air
I hold my breath,
But hold no air.
I lose my focus
Still trying to care.
I stand alone
I try and shout.
All the while,
Letting out
My single breath,
I held so dear,
As well as dreams
I held so clear.
I used to breathe,
Fill my lungs,
But no longer.
A fateful plunge.
But Im not lost,
Until the words,
No longer flow,
And Im in dirt.
For hope there is,
To those who try,
To live and breath,
Versus suffer and die.
I hold my breath,
But hold no air.
I lose my focus
Still trying to care.
***End of Poem*** (You may cry now...)
My life is not nearly terrible... it is awesome still... but I have been shaken a bit, and didn't feel like hiding it..
In other news? I have been VERY busy getting this movie o' mine to a sense of reality, getting ready to move, and trying to keep healthy.
All-in-all... it's one big juggling act.
Hope all is well on your end of the technological highway..
Nonetheless... from a sense of lost zeal can come some good..
I always have catalogued emotive state through writing; whether poetry or prose and thusly, for you, (and me) I have the following work of depression...
I call it:
No Air
I hold my breath,
But hold no air.
I lose my focus
Still trying to care.
I stand alone
I try and shout.
All the while,
Letting out
My single breath,
I held so dear,
As well as dreams
I held so clear.
I used to breathe,
Fill my lungs,
But no longer.
A fateful plunge.
But Im not lost,
Until the words,
No longer flow,
And Im in dirt.
For hope there is,
To those who try,
To live and breath,
Versus suffer and die.
I hold my breath,
But hold no air.
I lose my focus
Still trying to care.
***End of Poem*** (You may cry now...)
My life is not nearly terrible... it is awesome still... but I have been shaken a bit, and didn't feel like hiding it..
In other news? I have been VERY busy getting this movie o' mine to a sense of reality, getting ready to move, and trying to keep healthy.
All-in-all... it's one big juggling act.
Hope all is well on your end of the technological highway..
BOO!
Hope you had a wonderful Hallowe'en as I most assuredly did.
I went to Oktober's Hallowe'en party Saturday night- which kicked all sorts of ass... It was really very good.. and I was fortunate enough to run into a good deal of old friends I hadn't seen in quite some time. I dressed as a Goth Glam Rocker- sorta... I really don't know what I was... I just put it together the day of kinda thing..
So yeah... then Sunday eve I hung out with a pal, and then me and one o' my besto pals (Oktober) went and watched Rocky Horror Picture Show at the Roxy in Vic... It was all sorts of terror and such.
FUN!
Prior to all of this- weetzie was dear enough to ask me to accompany her to a Orchestra performance... Brahms and such never sounded so beautiful... It was a golly jimminy wonder ol goody gum drops good time! (In English- it was fun)
I went to a shitty store the other day- and bought something filled with all sorts of pizzazz! DVD boxed sets of Bela Lugosi and 1950's cheese sci-fi too! What better! Classic horror and sci-fi! Best of all? Each film worked out to 75 cents! I will be busy for a while..
Thought of the Day:
Isn't it odd how people typically conservative in nature and closeminded to the funky dress code others may have- find a way to forgive it all on Hallowe'en?
I think it odd how on THAT one day some people feel that being a unique and obvious individual is fine - even applauded- when any other day of the week the person offers no more than a cold shoulder or a weak and uncomfortable smile to those stepping over the social norm.
I'm not one to say what is "good" or "bad" or to say dressing either way is correct- personal choice and comfort over all else- but it is an interesting observation I'd offer.
Anyway, I guess it is because on that day people have an excuse to be different... and with everyone being different on that day - is it really not those who stay "normal" that are suddenly different?
Maybe it's the flock mentality... I don't know.
I do like it though. The day. Hallowe'en. Not the flock mentality.
Nice to give everyone an opportunity to feel a light sense of what it is to step outside boundaries. It can be way more uncomfortably comfortable.
Hope you had a wonderful Hallowe'en as I most assuredly did.
I went to Oktober's Hallowe'en party Saturday night- which kicked all sorts of ass... It was really very good.. and I was fortunate enough to run into a good deal of old friends I hadn't seen in quite some time. I dressed as a Goth Glam Rocker- sorta... I really don't know what I was... I just put it together the day of kinda thing..
So yeah... then Sunday eve I hung out with a pal, and then me and one o' my besto pals (Oktober) went and watched Rocky Horror Picture Show at the Roxy in Vic... It was all sorts of terror and such.
FUN!
Prior to all of this- weetzie was dear enough to ask me to accompany her to a Orchestra performance... Brahms and such never sounded so beautiful... It was a golly jimminy wonder ol goody gum drops good time! (In English- it was fun)
I went to a shitty store the other day- and bought something filled with all sorts of pizzazz! DVD boxed sets of Bela Lugosi and 1950's cheese sci-fi too! What better! Classic horror and sci-fi! Best of all? Each film worked out to 75 cents! I will be busy for a while..
Thought of the Day:
Isn't it odd how people typically conservative in nature and closeminded to the funky dress code others may have- find a way to forgive it all on Hallowe'en?
I think it odd how on THAT one day some people feel that being a unique and obvious individual is fine - even applauded- when any other day of the week the person offers no more than a cold shoulder or a weak and uncomfortable smile to those stepping over the social norm.
I'm not one to say what is "good" or "bad" or to say dressing either way is correct- personal choice and comfort over all else- but it is an interesting observation I'd offer.
Anyway, I guess it is because on that day people have an excuse to be different... and with everyone being different on that day - is it really not those who stay "normal" that are suddenly different?
Maybe it's the flock mentality... I don't know.
I do like it though. The day. Hallowe'en. Not the flock mentality.
Nice to give everyone an opportunity to feel a light sense of what it is to step outside boundaries. It can be way more uncomfortably comfortable.
Things on my lil burlesque DVD are finally starting to take shape... and I *think* I have the 7 SG models pegged for roles..
This is in many ways a celebration, but in others a bit scary.
It means this thing is moving fast... and I had better steer with meaning and not hit the curb.
I *try* not to stress too much about it... realizing I have talent and I have drive. I have ambition and I can have focus. But part of me constantly nags at the weaker moments of my ego and tries to drag me down.
Unfortunate.
How very human.
Dealing with the girls is wonderful. They are wonderful. They each bring somewthing unique to the project which has been welcomed greatly and I am hoping I can continue to provide them with the confidence I *hope* I have thus far.
But with the upkeep of duty-holding certainly comes the stress... and while I don't want to complain... the stress level is high. Buying props, renting the camera (which cost almost as much as my car- which is nice) organizing schedules, keeping people informed, providing music... So stressful.
But I do love it.
I do.
And now I am moving from my condo... to an apartment for a brief while until I move to Victoria or Vancouver... or Denmark... or stay where I am.
I honestly don't know where I'll be in six months. I just hope I'm happy.
My journals tend to ramble and for that I apologize. I often feel the need to over-explain... very much me. Like right now for instance.
I feel a weird peace right now. A lull.
*Sigh*
Not enough of those. Not. Ever.
Take a moment, huh? Realize that honestly whatever you are doing can go on hold for five minutes and just...
BREATHE.
It does wonders.
Thought of the Day:
Money is something that I never seem to have enough of. I go cheque to cheque- spending my earnings on dream after dream and fancy after fancy.
If you are like me- and broke- and trying to make it in whatever dream you have... realize how RICH you are.
I cherish my dreams more than an abundance of money... and as long as I have them- Those Dreams- I can sacrifice my financial comfort.
It is only when the number of dollars in my bank matters more than my personal and spiritual self-growth that I become truly poor.
Because it's moments like these... when I live parts of my dreams... when I take pride in my actions... when I feel accoutable for myself...that I know I am truly RICH.
This is in many ways a celebration, but in others a bit scary.
It means this thing is moving fast... and I had better steer with meaning and not hit the curb.
I *try* not to stress too much about it... realizing I have talent and I have drive. I have ambition and I can have focus. But part of me constantly nags at the weaker moments of my ego and tries to drag me down.
Unfortunate.
How very human.
Dealing with the girls is wonderful. They are wonderful. They each bring somewthing unique to the project which has been welcomed greatly and I am hoping I can continue to provide them with the confidence I *hope* I have thus far.
But with the upkeep of duty-holding certainly comes the stress... and while I don't want to complain... the stress level is high. Buying props, renting the camera (which cost almost as much as my car- which is nice) organizing schedules, keeping people informed, providing music... So stressful.
But I do love it.
I do.
And now I am moving from my condo... to an apartment for a brief while until I move to Victoria or Vancouver... or Denmark... or stay where I am.
I honestly don't know where I'll be in six months. I just hope I'm happy.
My journals tend to ramble and for that I apologize. I often feel the need to over-explain... very much me. Like right now for instance.
I feel a weird peace right now. A lull.
*Sigh*
Not enough of those. Not. Ever.
Take a moment, huh? Realize that honestly whatever you are doing can go on hold for five minutes and just...
BREATHE.
It does wonders.
Thought of the Day:
Money is something that I never seem to have enough of. I go cheque to cheque- spending my earnings on dream after dream and fancy after fancy.
If you are like me- and broke- and trying to make it in whatever dream you have... realize how RICH you are.
I cherish my dreams more than an abundance of money... and as long as I have them- Those Dreams- I can sacrifice my financial comfort.
It is only when the number of dollars in my bank matters more than my personal and spiritual self-growth that I become truly poor.
Because it's moments like these... when I live parts of my dreams... when I take pride in my actions... when I feel accoutable for myself...that I know I am truly RICH.
