I haven't been around in a long time, which is kind of weird. You'd think I'd show up more as I'm paying for membership and all. On the bright side, a lot of gorgeous pictures to catch up on.

Life's been...lifey. I'm about to go into crazy editing mode on my book, so I can get copies before they expire from NaNo.

Other than that, I attended Texas Frightmare Weekend last weekend. I got to meet a lot of my favorite people.

Let me brag with this list:

Sean Patrick Flanery
Patricia Quinn
Jon Bernthal
Danny Trejo
Chandler Riggs
Bill Mosely
David Naughton
Chris Sarandon
Nick Gomez
Vincent Ward
Theodus Crane
Heather Langenkamp
Jeffrey Combs
Stuart Gordon
Bruce Davison
Glenn Morshower
Michael Faust
Matt Valentine

And Gary Busey shoved me out of the way with his elbow at one point while he was frantically walking through the convention and rambling about having diarrhea. So that happened.

What else... I talked to Shaun Kama at the con about working with him on a wrist piece, so it would be lovely if that worked out since he's a super-talented dude. There was a live shadowcast of Rocky Horror, and Patricia Quinn introduced it with "Let there be lips." Can't help but have a fan spaz-out on that one.

I think that's about it. I was drunk 90% of the time, so...mostly be acting like an idiot and asking people whom I love/respect/sexually fantasize about to hug me. And there were vague wishes that Norman Reedus hadn't canceled coupled with not caring that he canceled, because I had way more money to spend after my photo op got refunded.

My friend and I did pinky swear during an amazing shirtless panther karaoke performance that we're going every year until death though, so see you next year horror whores?

A bit overwhelmed, I guess.

When I first went to college, I moved 1200 miles away to Cleveland to do so. My dreams, at the time, were there, so it made sense. Two things happened in Cleveland. The first: I fell in love with the city and had some of the best experiences of my life.

The second: My depression and anxiety decided they'd been gone for too long and decided to say "hello."

I graduated Valedictorian of my high school class, went into college on the honors program, and then watched everything fall apart with something between desperation and apathy. I now owe the school money that I have to pay before I can even get my transcripts to finish college, because of the scholarships/financial aid that were ripped away from me when my grades plummeted below what the government deems acceptable.

But, actually, that's sort of a digression from the point of the post. The point is that I came back to shitholeville to try to get it back together enough to go back, and, well, that didn't really do anything but make me desperate to get home, which is what I consider Cleveland. Yep, I jump from shithole to shithole, I guess. But I'm rather fond of one of them.

My best friend wants me back there. I want me back there. Everyone wants me back there. She told me she and some friends are trying to get a place. Rent would be less than 200 per person. Cleveland is awesomely cheap, btw. If they don't get it, she's going to upgrade her apartment to a double, which would still make my rent about $300. I said I'm moving back after Christmas, because I can't even stand it here anymore. I'm alone here aside from my mother. My only decent friend moves to England in 4 days. I just want to be back with the people who love and respect me, with the people from whom I don't have to hide.

Queue problems. I'm leaving my job, because I'm still really bad anxious, and I want to be able to get my mind healthy before I go back, because I don't want to go back to the place I was in before I came back to TX. I'm not entirely together now, but I don't want to go back to the girl who spent all day in bed in the dark, both literally and figuratively.

So, money, I need. I plan on doing a lot of writing and magazine submissions after I finish up my two weeks. I'm really really hoping something finally gives and I get some stuff published, and that said stuff happens to be in publications that pay. I'm also going to do a bit of freelancing. I just hope I can get it all together.

Because I need a car, so I don't ever feel trapped anywhere again. And I need money to get there. And money for rent for a couple of months. And food.

And I have time, and she's not setting any specific deadline for me to move back or anything. Sure, I could apply and try to get a job via phone interviews, etc. before I moved back. But there are just...so many things that can go wrong, and so many things up in the air, and I like things planned out to a tee. I don't like uncertainty, because it just...makes me more anxious.

I guess I wish I was the kind of person who could dwell in the unknown and actually enjoy it. Fucking Capricorn personality.

I've been hearing a lot about this Amanda Todd girl. She made some mistakes and was subsequently mistreated because of them. She felt bad enough that she committed suicide.

I think the worst part is that people are saying she deserved it because of the mistakes she made. I see people saying she brought it on herself. People are even making jokes about, pretending to drink bleach, etc.

I just...I think technology has put us into a situation where we sometimes forget the subjects of these jokes are real people. Her family is out there somewhere, and I sincerely hope they haven't seen any of this stuff.

I mean, yes, the girl screwed up, but she didn't deserve to feel the way she did, to feel like she only had one way out. She certainly deserves some respect now that it's all over. If not her, then her family.

I guess what I'm trying to say is: Stop being shitty, and respect human life.

"The musings of a sick girl all drugged up on Nyquil."

That's what I would I would title this blog post if there were a spot for such a thing. Or I could just go ahead and call that the title, because fuck the site for trying to limit my ability to title things. Yeah.

I have orange juice and it is delicious.

On another note, I've been thinking a lot of about could have been vs. can be. It's hard to think about who you can be, the person you could be in the future, to seriously think about it and work toward it. It's even harder to stop dwelling on who you could have been.

Truth is, we all fuck up. A lot, even. We all could be different people had we not made certain decisions. But we can't keep focusing on that when the future is still there. The past is written in stone. The future isn't written at all.

Also, chocolate. I have a lot of chocolate. And Nyquil, obviously.

Hi, I'm a n00b.