Working out here in the city sure has been a trip. I don't know where to begin.

After 1 month out here, I started to grow extremely irritated with the fact that the boy I was seeing seemed to be avoiding gainful employment at all costs. The fact that he was living on my hard labor (god, do I know how to pick 'em or what?!) drove me to my breaking point and I put my neck on the line to get him an interview at a tea house. The night before the interview, he stole 2 pints of shitty vodka from the store down the street and proceeded to down them in their entirety. I got off work sometime around 11pm after working a double only to come home and find him butt ass naked in our shower, coated in his own blood. He tried to kill himself. I sent him to the hospital and had him committed. He has been in rehab ever since and I'm torn between anger and sadness when I think of him.

I don't know if i love him or hate him. I know I can't be with him but, he's the closest person to me and knows me better than anyone. I'm currently avoiding seeing him.

Since he's been gone, I've been working hard and going out of my way to get to know people in the city. I've met plenty of assholes but, quite a few decent people as well.

Two weeks ago I met a guy from Arizona who was in the city for the summer. He's a total sweetheart and a guy I could actually bring home. He makes me smile every time I see him and I could really see developing a strong connection with him. My only reservation is the fact that he wants to move suuuper fast. Two weeks and he's already talking marriage and kids. He's the best sex I've ever had but, that's not much of a reason to make that kind of commitment. He left town tonight and I'm not sure what to do with the ideas he's spinning.

I've got plenty of guys beating down my door but, I think I should remain unattached for a while. I need to figure out who the fuck I am and what it is I want. I'm making more enemies than friends by doing my job well and I feel pretty lonely most of the time. I keep the smile plastered on but its becoming less and less real every day.I just want more people in my life who want me just for me and not for what they can get from me. I hate being hated. Its the main reason I don't hate people. I think I might be too genuine for this place. Everyone is fake here.

Fuck the whores I work with who see money over people. I'd rather starve than play the game the way they do. I need sleep and a nice person to grab a burger with. If you're out this way and want an ear to tug on, hit me up, I could use distraction.

Much love, lovelies!

Until I next have a moment of peace,

*Sudz*

I am embarking on a crazy new adventure and am making a feature length pornographic film with my wonderful partner in crime! if you're interested in being involved, message me and we can hammer out some of the deets!

Guess who is gonna be movin to Chi town bitches!













(hint. . . ITS MEEE!!!)

Fucked up week. Hard to explain so I wont.

Unintentionally

The best and worst kind of crazy,
That is what you make me,
Both a Demon and a Lady,
And so quickly you flee,
Trying to escape from,
The best and worst kind of crazy,
Between Heaven and Hades,
What you do to me,
Unintentionally.

The deepest love and hate I've known,
Though together we have grown,
This Nightingale has flown,
We're now grounded and alone,
still longing to stay,
With the deepest love and hate I've known.
Can I make it on my own?
No more you and me,
Unintentionally.

At times, I can even feel,
This silly fantasy, so unreal,
That maybe fatal wounds can heal,
And bursting hearts re-seal,
Through the amnesia of time,
Yet, still other times I feel,
I'll find a way to deal,
And be happy to be free,
Unintentionally.

so, a journal entry of mine just turned out really well for me. I just feel like I figured some shit out so, I thought I should share...

After spending quite some time with friends of mine who are in long-term functioning relationships I've started thinking about what it is I'm looking for in a partner in life so, I figured I'd make a list to keep things clear for myself. A sort of checklist to use before I get involved with anyone again.

THINGS i'M LOOKING FOR IN A SIGNIFICANT OTHER:

-Hobbies (i.e. a life and interests that don't need to involve me)
-Is clean (not too neat but at least washes dishes and does laundry)
-Is my partner b/c he/she wants to share closeness (not because they need to be validated)
-Has long-term life goals (achievable and taking steps to accomplish them)
-Can be understanding of where I'm coming from (NOT judgmental)
-Has friends who are both fun and driven (NOT drug addicts)
-Educated (not necessarily a degree but at least tries to remain informed about the world)
-Has an interest in music (playing an instrument helps)
-Is creative (keeps childlike imagination alive)
-Makes me laugh
-Wants me to be happy
-Likes the outdoors
-Isn't religious

. . . the list continues. However, I realized after starting this list that I don't deserve these things from a partner until I can bring the same to a relationship. These are the things that I need to work on for myself before I can handle being with someone. If I'm going to decide to date someone again, they deserve the best me I can be. It will take some time but, I think I can fix me and work this all out.

I guess there's a first time for everything.

I woke up to a kitten licking my nipple today. There is nothing sexy about the sandpaper texture of a cat's tongue. However, the sexy animal who awoke beside me found it to be as adorably hilarious as I did. It led to my favorite way to spend the morning i.e. hours of naked exercise. I love lazy Tuesdays.

So, right now I'm in the process of trying to decide what it is that I want. One of my go-to numbers wants to change the nature of our relationship. He has expressed that he has deeper feelings for me. I know that I like spending time with him even when we have clothes on. I just don't know what I expect from him. I guess what confuses me is what the difference is between an open relationship and a fuck-buddy relationship.

He wants to actually go on dates and spend quality time together like a couple. I would actually enjoy that a lot and I am open to the idea. I know that he understands that I don't want monogamy. I'm just completely new to the whole game and it scares me a little.

How do you define boundaries in an open relationship? I've always kept my hook-ups separate. They never know about each other. The idea of being able to be me and be honest about it and accepted for it is really appealing. Its just so foreign to me to think of dating someone and also being able to enjoy other partners.

Soo. . . I've been bored with my free time and I've started writing. Here is the teaser:


Until Dawn
It was just past ten on a Friday and the night had just begun. I was sinking into the couch with a beer in one hand and the eight of hearts in the other. The door swung open and a rush of frozen air spilled into the room. A new group of guests began streaming in from the cold. I tried my best to appear unmoved by their presence. Is she here? I tossed the eight down on the cluttered table in front of me.

“Eight’s a date so. . . Andy,” I said, turning to him next to me, “you’re drinkin’ with me!” I nudged him with my elbow and he pulled away, climbing onto the couch’s sagging right arm.

“You’re just trying to get me drunk so you can have your way with me!” he chided, kicking at me playfully from his perch.

I ignored him and gulped my beer. Andy parroted me, swallowing his bright red concoction of grenadine and rum. As I lowered the can from my lips, from the corner of my eye, I caught a glimpse of a familiar cascade of strawberry-blonde curls. It’s her. On my left, Maria leaned forward to draw and reveal the four of clubs.

She rolled her eyes as she said “Four is for whores."

I took my obligatory drink with the other women in our circle and tried to act casual. The portly guy across from me leaned forward to draw the next card and I tried not to stare across the room. I could sense her like an invisible force tugging at me. I was weak. My eyes drifted and I saw her sliding free from a shell of thick wool.

“Drink!” said Maria, snapping me back into our game.

I turned to my group who were all holding their fingers to their noses. Someone had drawn a nine. I begrudgingly sipped my beer and Andy, like a shadow, gulped his syrupy mess. I glanced back to look for her. She was now pushing boldly through the crowd wearing just a tank top. I could see the artwork etched into her delicate arms and I imagined touching her soft skin. She caught my glance, and winked at me flirtatiously. I felt a rush of excitement flow through me and I smiled nervously as my face began to burn. She turned away and pushed through the crowd into the kitchen. I returned to the game. As I took another card-prompted drink, my head started to swim. I was desperately intrigued by her. With each new card came laughter and many drinks but, I kept thinking of that wink. What had it meant?

I could no longer focus on our silly contest. I was lost in my own head. I felt confused but elated. Forsaking the game, I rose from the couch and made my way towards the kitchen. I could see a group of women taking shots of neon blue liqueur. I pushed past a cluster of men who were laughing boisterously and made my way to the refrigerator. I opened it and shuffled around the various alcoholic drinks and mixers until I reached what I was looking for. I grabbed the can of cheap beer, stepped out of the fridge and swung the door closed behind me. As I turned back to the kitchen, she was there, standing right in front of me. Dawn. Before the jumble of non-words began to spill out of my mouth, she flashed a scheming smile.

“There you are!” she said excitedly, “come take a shot with us!”

I grinned and nodded my agreement. She grabbed my arm and I felt electricity jolt through my body as if her fingers were live wires. She led me towards the table of women with strange blue booze. I was wary of the odd poison but hoped it would help to ease my nerves. We reached the table and she motioned toward the three jezebels gathered there.

“Megan, Gina, Woody, this is Gwen,” she said. The three of them beamed at me, glittering under the glaring lights.

“Hi.” I said meekly.

Releasing my arm, Dawn started preparing the shots while I shuffled my feet awkwardly next to her. I turned to the brunette who was the tallest of the three.

“Did she say your name is Woody?” I asked curiously.

She laughed. “Yeah, it’s a family nickname. It’s what I’ve always gone by.”

“It’s cool,” I remarked, “I like it.” I smiled and nodded gracelessly turning quickly back to my right.

Next to me I watched Dawn’s strawberry curls spill over her bare shoulders as she leaned over to dole out the unpleasantly fluorescent liqueur. My gaze wandered and floated along the edge of her top. Her pert breasts moving under her camisole entranced me. The spell was broken when, from across the table, the tan one with a flaxen bob, Megan, cleared her throat. I met her glare and blushed sheepishly.

“Alright,” Dawn cheered, “let’s take some shots!”

The other women collected their glasses. Dawn straightened and turned towards me with a shot in each hand. Looking up at me with mischief in her eyes, she extended one of the shots to me. I accepted it and smiled, gesturing my thanks with a tilt of my head.

“No more finals!” said Gina, raising her skeletal arm into the air, “Cheers!”

“Cheers!” we echoed, each of us raising our glasses to the center.

As I brought the sweet smelling liqueur to my lips I turned to my right and locked eyes, with Dawn. She smirked and gulped down her shot. I followed suit and my mouth burned with an artificial fruity flavor. I swallowed hard and quickly cracked my beer to wash away the abysmal taste.

“So. . .” I said, turning back to her, “How were your finals?”

“Oh, they weren’t too terrible. I’m just glad they’re over with” she responded honestly.

“That’s good.” I said turning towards the rest of the kitchen as I took another sip from my beer.

The boisterous guys standing by the stove had begun to migrate in our direction. I watched as our two circles merged and a striking man with dark hair and broad shoulders positioned himself next to Dawn. I smiled politely through gritted teeth as they introduced themselves. Are you serious? I looked over at Dawn who began to laugh with the striking one apparently named Ethan.

Annoyed, I half-listened to one of the goons tell me his story about Vegas and some stupid movie I’d never heard of while sporadically glancing over at Dawn. Woefully, I watched her gradually ebb away with the shining Ethan. I suffered through the pathetic one-liners of the oaf in front of me until, thankfully, Andy rushed over to ask for my pipe. He invited me out back for a smoke and I politely dismissed the awkward urchin I’d been speaking to, agreeing to follow my friend. I glanced back at Dawn who was deep in conversation pointing to parts of her arm as she explained her tattoo. I sighed as I proceeded out of the kitchen and through the living room to the back door.

As the night wore on, she stayed close; every once and a while catching me in a brief glance. I orbited her, as I moved through silly conversations about school and holidays with other partygoers. A couple hours passed and we wound up positioned nearly next to each other beside the fireplace in the living room.
We were both soaking in our separate conversations, yet, I could feel her proximity to me as if she were sucking me towards her. Familiar faces began streaming over and our two couplets merged into a small circle. The conversation got heated and soon a debate about gun control devolved into angry shouting.

I looked over at Dawn and she met my gaze. She flashed me a devious smile and motioned towards the hallway on our left. She turned and started walking and for a moment, I was frozen. Was this happening? She stopped and motioned for me to follow her. My heart raced inside my chest as I moved down the hall. I wasn’t sure where she was leading me but, I didn’t care. I had been dreaming of this moment for months . . .

My Etsy! GumbySudz

I'm so excited! I may be a total nerd, but I'm just happy to know strangers can see what I've created!

check it out!

Happy genocide based capitalist holiday!

Staying at my parent's house isn't actually all that bad this year. Which is funny considering my parent's took over all of my siblings and my old rooms. My old room is now the exercise room, my brother's room is the sewing room and my sister's room is the office. So, Rather than trying to get comfy on the weight bench, I'm sleeping on a mattress in the attic.

Speaking of mattresses. . . I have just gotta say, the fuck buddy relationship REALLY works for me. I've got a really great thing going on right now that could not be more perfect. I could never actually see myself dating this guy but he's AMAZING in bed. We're decent enough friends but it's pretty clear that when I call him or he calls me, it's not gonna be to talk. There's no drama, no strings, no fuss. I've tried this whole thing before but it didn't work out mainly because boundaries weren't established quick enough and feelings got hurt. This time, however, we both know that we want exactly the same thing i.e. raunchy emotionless sex. Why can't more people be shamelessly sexually unattached?

I have no idea what's going on with me. I've been soo horny lately that it's gotten quite distracting.

I can't focus in class. I spend the whole time off in my head fantasizing. I can seriously turn the most mundane things into super raunchy fantasies. I'm about to go to spanish and all I can think about is how badly I want to fuck the girl who sits one row in front of me and two seats to the right. Last class we were supposed to be planning our final presentation and all I could think about was rolling around with her on a blanket in the middle of the woods.

Hormones are weird... I think I'll go spelunking before class

Question for the day: How many times in one day is too many? Thoughts?