I always feel obligated to keep up with this site... I don't really look at the pics that much, and occasionally read the news, but I kind of enjoy posting my musings here because I know no one that matters will read it. I can say whatever I want.

So, in that vein, I made up with my ex after that argument I posted about a while back. She called me at like 1am a couple days ago and apologized and told me she missed talking to me. It was sort of what I wanted to hear, but I was... shocked. I didn't have anything to say, despite all the things I had thought about, nothing came out. She thought I was being a douche and started crying and said goodbye. I went back to watching House, and when the episode ended I checked my phone and I had a text from her. At this point, I had collected my thoughts and we talked it out... sort of. There wasn't much to say. We hung out the next day and had a wonderful time, after I brought her home, I IM'd her and said "why do we always have to go and fuck this up?" She replied that she didn't know. What a shitty situation. I really don't want to go through that again, that's why I stopped talking to her. I guess I'll just let her talk to me, instead, maybe that will work out better.

I finally got a hold of someone who could help me with my co-op situation. My former boss won't talk to them about the situation, which may be better for me, really. I have a meeting with the head of my department when I go back to school, and it sounds like they want to give me credit for the co-op if they can. That would be absolutely wonderful. I'm definitely trying everything I can to get an interesting one next summer.

Third, I've become addicted to The Settlers: Rise of an Empire recently. Good lord. I played it for 10 hours today. I know, my life is sad and meaningless, that's why I play video games. Anyway, it's a strategy game, it's kind of buggy, but the gameplay is just so satisfying and the bugs so inconsequential that it's worth it. It's heavy on the city building and resource management and light on combat, which I like a lot. I've played it till it crashed two days in a row now.

I just realized all my journal posts seem to happen on Mondays, so this is a formal fuck you to Mondays. I'm trying to mix it up a little, see? So anyway... I got canned from my co-op (sort of my fault, but my boss was kind of a dick about it), so no cash flow and now it's a mess with credit for college and stuff, who the fuck knows? At least I can catch up on my video games, sleeping and photography.

I still hate being single.

I have to be awake in 7 hours, but as usual, I'm wasting time. Had an argument with my ex recently. I wanted to be friends with her, we gave it a go... but now I don't want to talk to her. Irrelevant, old news already, let's not linger on it. My co-op is as boring as fuck, but I like the money. I want to go back to Rochester though, the school work may be taxing but there's a nice apartment waiting for me and a beautiful photo major who I can't wait to spend time with even though we hardly know each other. I'm more than ready to fall in love again. I want someone to shower attention on. If only I could walk up to her and say, "let's fall in love and not worry about the consequences," and then just get on with it. If only it were that simple... maybe it is, maybe I can just tell her what I want, what's the worst that can happen? I think I'll do that when I see her.

For the precisely no one who reads this... sorry I don't update more often. I'm so busy these days.

Hey, it's been almost exactly a week. I'm only posting this because I'm starting my co-op in the morning and I'm wasting time when I should be sleeping. I'll be working for a photographer for $10 an hour. Wonderful. I need some money though, desperately. My monitor is crapping out on me and I need a new one, I'm gunna try to save the rest though, we'll see how that goes.

Anyway... here are some poems de moi, a glimpse of the end of my most recent relationship.

Everywhere

Like God, you're in these plaster walls
A breath in the cold that condenses and falls
A shiver sent swift across my skin
And the silence of a crowd fighting the wind
I see you in the pale snow -- laced
With sunset's pink and yellow trace
In spring, the birds will sing your name
Like God, you'll greet me in the rain

No Returns

tell me, from whence does love come?
I wish to bring it back
tell me, for I no longer desire
to be bound by lovers' trite trials

that gaping chasm -- full to bursting
with the emptiest of hearts
I will cast mine away again
into this vacuous multitude

my emotions need not sway to such extremes
the object of their oscillation -- a memory
dimly recalled and impossibly renewed

tell me, where do these feelings begin?
there, I will surely find their end

Tsunami

Those fights -- like the rumblings of earthquakes
At the ocean floor
Sent swells radiating across the sea

Swollen with love for you
I saw you again as I did before
As I had neglected to for so long

I rode that wave to shore
But it broke as the seabed rose
And crashed against the beach -- sparing no one

The swells died and were swept back to sea
With the remnants of what had been
Now dashed into debris

My last update was in March, huh? Jeez. I don't come to this site as often as I used to because they made it impossible to get the news on the home page. I like naked girls as much as the next guy, but if that's all I came here for, I certainly wouldn't want to pay for it.

Anyway, I guess I'll update everyone on the situation that I talked about in my last post. It's been an additional 3 months or so (god, so long) since she broke up with me. We're totally cool with each other, we've hung out a little since I came home for summer. I can't say that I don't still find her to be one of the most wonderful girls I've ever met. I mean, we still have a great friendship, we're still attracted to each other.

The problem is... well... she got a buzz cut. I'll give you one guess what that means.

This has, however, shed some light on the true reasons for the breakup. Yes she may have been bored, perhaps I didn't care enough, that could have been reconciled. The fact is, around our year anniversary, she started thinking something like "Shit, a year? I don't even like penises."

So yeah, she may be a lesbian, she may not. She finds guys attractive, but she can't deal with cocks, apparently. She finds girls attractive, but she hasn't been all up in a vag yet, so there's no telling at this point. I'm (secretly) hoping she finds out that she just doesn't like giving oral... to anyone. Honestly, I've never met anyone like her. Maybe I'm still naive at 20 y/o, but I think she and I could have a future. Whatever, in the meantime, I just need some action.

I update this so often, don't I? I need to get things off my back. My girlfriend broke up with me a week and a half ago (Sunday, March 9). She was bored, I didn't care enough, apparently. I'll be the first to admit that could be true. It was iffy ever since last September when I shipped off for my second year of college. Our relationship started deteriorating, she was unhappy without me and complained about everything. Eventually I got pretty sick of it and more or less told her to shut up with her bitching. I don't think it was ever the same after that. We hung on for several more months, we had some good times over my vacations, but we started fighting more and more, and we were less and less able to reconcile in a satisfactory manner. We would forget our issues with each other and have fun together, but we'd never really reconcile.

Then it happened at the end of my spring break, I sobbed on and off for the entire six-hour drive. I got pulled over and could hardly contain myself, the cop could tell I was upset about something, no sympathy though. It's been almost 2 weeks now. I feel happy, really, truly happy for the first time since probably November. I realize she was bringing me down. I realize this is good. I do not want her back. The problem is these memories I have, the feelings for her that linger, melting away far too slowly with every heartbeat. I want to talk to her, I want to be her friend, like I was for the 7 months between when we met and when we started dating. She's the best friend I've ever had and I can't possibly lose that. We're on our way, but it's uncomfortable knowing what I know about her and feeling the way I do while trying to hold a conversation.

This is so fucked.

Not that anyone cares, but as I'm going for a Co-op (that's cooperative education, payed internship + college credit), I've put up my brand, spankin' new website. I updated my profile to reflect, but here it is if you're too lazy.

Hey, look at me, I wrote another poem. It was a while ago, but here it is.

Anything

I'll build you a planet from the cosmic dust,
Float it into the sky on a whimsical gust
From my lungs, and name it after you.

And as that hunk of rock spins round the sun,
On its elliptical trajectory from a heavenly gun,
I'll build a spaceship and fly up there with you.

We'll breath into its inhospitable skies:
Warm them up, and before our eyes,
We'll have weaved a world for two.

Deep oceans, great mountains - unbearably tall,
The sun will burn bright, epic rains will fall.
I'll see it all with you.

And should you get bored, as you often do,
I'll build you another, and when I'm through,
We'll go there together - just us two.

Just lover's dreams, such things as these are.
My faculties cannot yet take me this far.
But in the meantime - anything for you.

Hey everyone who's not reading this, I just joined. I figure to kick off my membership, I'll turn this blog, and my page into a second standard repository for my artwork, mostly photography and a little poetry. However, as this is not my deviantART gallery, I'll only be submitting the best stuff. As such, this post will consist of some of the poetry I have written thus far, and I will be adding an album of photos and such, though that may take a while as I may have to do some optimization to keep the file sizes down.

Summer

Biking back roads, feeling free.
Every day is lived for me.
Summer living: nothing better.
Summer loving: grab a sweater.

Driving dirt roads, tearing through
Little towns I never knew.
That situation doesn't change,
I still don't know them, and don't care to.
Summer living: fun is free.
Summer loving: not meant for me.

Frozen treats, on hot nights, a must.
Then off to appease my wanderlust.
I'm up for anything, just try me,
We'll go anywhere if I have your trust.
Summer living: the final test.
Summer loving: who knows the rest?

Aspiration

Foul horizon, why do you extend?
Your reach ensnares me, to what end?
A humble human housed here in Holden,
A single town in expanse that does embolden
The fear that I will never see
All things that do exist in thee;
Grow old without experience
That could be gained with travel hence.
To outlive my will to leave this place
Without my wanderlust effaced
Would leave me lost on my deathbed:
One world withheld, still another straight ahead.
So help me, Heaven, heed my hope
Before your gates accept my soul,
And send me sailing through seas and skies
So that I might appease these eyes
Which wonder where horizon halts
And what earth does hold within her vaults.

It Didn't Hurt

I long for pain to ease the strain
That's haunting my heart, wanting in vain,

Detrimenting sanity,
I abandon thought of vanity;
Digging at my skin;
Not regretting such a sin;
Open to what this does;
Tears from what once was;

Heavy-handed strokes
Undo what god invoked,
Remains of redness rife,
Truth dripping from my knife.

The Greatest Adventure

I trace the lines of your face
And think of times we could have spent together:
Days at the park,
Out after dark,
Lost in each other's eyes,
I wouldn't look for an exit.
I could watch you endlessly,
Getting lost in your face,
Traversing its features.
Wandering lightly past your eyes,
Tracing thin lines with intent,
Sliding down your nose
Gleeful as a child at his favorite playground.
Scaling your lips like red cliffs
That hide wondrous prizes.
Dangling from the very point of your chin,
Never wanting to let go,
Until my grip fails
And I plunge willingly into your beauty.
This is the greatest adventure.

Mask

She was a caricature of confidence
Concatenating her life like lovely lore
In person, she predicated perfection
The pendulum swung to the private
And her penance for the past
Whispering woeful worries
Reaping more razor-sharp regrets
Reducing her forged resolution
Fire fed the fabrication
Of her seemingly secure certainty
Misunderstandings from the many
Sent her sliding into solitude
Where her words went wasted
Waiting and wanting for whatever
Will release her from relentless reality

Untold and Unfolded

He walked around puddles
So they wouldn't be disturbed.
He couldn't stand the ripples
Like he couldn't stand their words.

He avoided newly fallen snow,
So as not to make a trace.
The footsteps marred the frigid frailty
Like their words could mar his grace.

But he wasn't one to wait for the day
When their words would come crashing down.
In his tidal waves and avalanches,
Their words would surely drown.