I'm thinking of buying a new place. I love living close to downtown, being able to walk to shows and bike to work, but I am starting to miss the quiet and simplicity of living in a small town. Of course I wouldn't move back home. That's too far from my job, which I would not give up no matter how much I complain about it. I am lucky to have found a job I love, I'm not going to let it get away. I just want someplace with a bigger yard in a quieter neighborhood. I miss having pets. I want to get a couple of big dogs so I need a place with lots of room. I know if I move out a ways from the city I can find a place about twice the size I have now with a nice big yard for about the same price. Sure it would mean a longer commute but I think it would be so worth it. I just wish I knew the area better. Anybody know a nice area that's relatively quiet but not too far from the city?

I've been traveling for work. Meeting new people, raising money, attending conferences and other networking type stuff. It was fun at first. And probably good for my career. But I am so glad to be home. Even if the weather here does suck. It's still good to be back. After a while the other people in my profession start to bore me to tears. Not the most exciting group of people. The whole thing has left me tired and moody. I just want to go hang out for a while and talk with people who have some interests outside of law and politics. But first I need a nice long nap. Hopefully a dreamless one. Lately my dreams have had Lovecraftian themes. I can't say that I am a fan. They've got me jumping at every noise and seeing something in every shadow

Have the majority of people in this country reached a point where they would give up freedom for security? I really don't want to believe that's true. I'm hoping someday to see that proven wrong.

But that's what our government and its drones want me to believe. They are convinced that the vast majority of you just want to be safe and happy and protected. Even if it means giving up the right to say what you want. To think what you want. I've been told that I am fighting against the will of the people. That I am out of touch with the middle class. That all they want is their SUVs, cable TV, cheap gas and their morning Starbucks. And if innocents have to die and dissidents are locked up without trial, well that's ok.

Ben Franklin would be rolling over in his grave.

Well I refuse to believe that. I refuse to accept that greed and selfishness are the norm. Maybe that makes me idealistic. Maybe it makes me naive. Maybe the drones are right and none of you give a damn about your rights as long as you think you have a shot at the so called American Dream.

It doesn't matter. I'd rather be naive than cynical. I'd rather fight than give up. I'd rather you have freedom and not want it than not have it and wish you did.

I can't decide if I am paranoid or not. It seems silly that you would be looking at this. I would hope you have better things to do. But you were certainly hinting at something. Something you think you can use against me. Not that it matters. I am not ashamed. I am not worried.

So if you are reading this, listen closely. You cannot intimidate me. You cannot threaten me. You cannot make me go away. You will not find anything that you can use against me. You cannot beat me.

Because you cannot match my determination. You don't care enough. You are jaded and cynical. Mean and petty. All you can do is yell, scream, threaten. Wring your hands in ire. You think your wrath and power is enough. But it will not be.

Even if we lose this battle it will not matter. By standing up to you and refusing to allow you to intimidate, harass and bully those who speak out we have already won. Deep down you know this. It's why you are so angry. As long as we refuse to give up, as long as we will not be silenced you cannot win. As long as they know we are here to stand up for them, they will not quit. So I will not either. No matter how low you go.

You cannot win.

Usually I love my job, but today work sucked. And it will probably continue to suck for a while. My clients are lying to me, other lawyers are lying to me, the federal government is lying to me...

Fuck.

I mean, it's not even the lying. People always lie. It's that I can't figure out why people are lying. Or what the truth is. Usually I can.

This sucks.

And I should probably shut up now.

Other than that life is grand. I'm writing an article with one of my former professors. Should be fun. He's kind of a dork but in a cute way. Thinking about dyeing my hair. Maybe red?

How are all of you?

For the first time ever somebody at work made me feel old today.

I hate interns.

Other than that I am pretty happy at the moment.

I got a really weird valentines gift. It was a bunch of lottery tickets folded up to look like a dozen roses.

What made it even stranger was that it was from a guy I barely know. I don't think he has ever said more than a dozen words to me the whole time I have known him. And the one guy I would have liked to get a gift from hasn't talked to me in weeks. Which is kind of pissing me off. I'm getting a little tired of being told how important I am only to end up being ignored.


I did win $321 though. That was kind of cool.

Reading: Andrew Vachss' Blossom

Listening to: The phone ring. I should go shut the damn ringer off.

This is a repeat post. But it was from a long time ago so most of you won't remember.

Sometimes the only way I seem to be able to express what I feel is to use other people's words.

PASSION

by: Charlotte Bronte (1816-1855)

Some have won a wild delight,
By daring wilder sorrow;
Could I gain thy love to-night,
I'd hazard death to-morrow.

Could the battle-struggle earn
One kind glance from thine eye,
How this withering heart would burn,
The heady fight to try!

Welcome nights of broken sleep,
And days of carnage cold,
Could I deem that thou wouldst weep
To hear my perils told.

Tell me, if with wandering bands
I roam full far away,
Wilt thou to those distant lands
In spirit ever stray?

Wild, long, a trumpet sounds afar;
Bid me--bid me go
Where Seik and Briton meet in war,
On Indian Sutlej's flow.

Blood has dyed the Sutlej's waves
With scarlet stain, I know;
Indus' borders yawn with graves,
Yet, command me go!

Though rank and high the holocaust
Of nations steams to heaven,
Glad I'd join the death-doomed host,
Were but the mandate given.

Passion's strength should nerve my arm,
Its ardour stir my life,
Till human force to that dread charm
Should yield and sink in wild alarm,
Like trees to tempest-strife.

If, hot from war, I seek thy love,
Darest thou turn aside?
Darest thou then my fire reprove,
By scorn, and maddening pride?

No--my will shall yet control
Thy will, so high and free,
And love shall tame that haughty soul--
Yes--tenderest love for me.

I'll read my triumph in thine eyes,
Behold, and prove the change;
Then leave, perchance, my noble prize,
Once more in arms to range.

I'd die when all the foam is up,
The bright wine sparkling high;
Nor wait till in the exhausted cup
Life's dull dregs only lie.

Then Love thus crowned with sweet reward,
Hope blest with fulness large,
I'd mount the saddle, draw the sword,
And perish in the charge!

_________________________________________________________________________________________

I wish this didn't describe how I feel. I've felt this way too long. It makes me tired. Emotions are overrated.

Reading: William Goldman's The Princess Bride

Watching: Love Actually

Not much going on. Have not been around much. I've been going home (parents) a lot. Between that and work I don't have time for much.

What's new with all of you?