If you HAPPEN to meet someone at a comedy show you're doing and she HAPPENS to mention in light conversation that she "doesn't get along with any of her relatives", it's probably a good idea NOT to take her back to your hotel room and have sex with her and her "BFF" and then give her your phone number so she has the ability to text you 550 times a day EVERY DAY expressing her regret for having sex with a guy who's "not interested in being her boyfriend" and then proceeds to blame you for everything bad that has ever happened to her including root canals, traffic, minorities, Verizon billing, being allergic to semen, coffee that keeps her awake, and the "bitch who does her eyebrows". I will miss my crazy woman virginity innocence...
I'm about one more bad day away from going off the grid and drinking my own urine to survive.
Going to stop using side mirrors when I drive and announce to everyone in the car that it's god's will if we make it there alive.
In case you were wondering, I don't have ball implants. They're the real deal.
Just went thru airport security and TSA ran a feather down my ass crack. Booked three more flights for next week.
Whatever occupation you do, put "America's" in front of it and people will consider you an expert. "America's Adult Book Store Janitor".
Can you imagine how freeing it must feel to walk around with no pants on like Porky Pig?
Someone just gave me a pack of Skittles Fizzl'd Fruits. I don't know who came up with the idea for these, but they should only be served through a glory hole. I don't ever want to feel a warm fizzle sensation on my tongue again. Unless a lot of cash is involved...
Played Reno over the weekend. Changed my stage name to "Meth Dentist". Several sold out shows.
I had sex with a real estate agent last weekend. She rolled over in bed the next morning and I got hit in the face with a wafting smell of baked rigatoni. Is there a new Italian restaurant themed STD I'm unaware of or have I officially gotten so fat that sex and my love for Macaroni Grill have become interchangeable?
