Uh oh.

I think I am going into manic mode.

I think I met somebody. I'm kind of excited about her.

I can NEVER FUCKING SLEEP and I'm tired all through the day, it's kind of hard to get through work without being shitty to a lot of people. I worry that it's due to the frequent cycling of nicotine, caffeine and alcohol. But I looooove them all. Some holy trinity.



Also, I'm going to be an uncle for the second time. Hopefully this time to a little tiny gentleman. And also hopefully, I will never, ever have to change his diapers.

Think I gotta take a break from here for a bit. Clear my head.


Maybe not, I dunno.

Ugh, after a couple of missed connections and a good bit of bad luck, I totally did ruin it. But at least this time it wasn't in a way that I can't try again. Nothing's changed between us, so if nothing else, I can keep my crush and not feel hurt. And I've still got the option of making something of it, but if I do, I'm gonna have to hop a plane to the west coast. Or Vegas over spring break. I've been telling myself I need some adventure, so those are starting to look pretty attractive.

The girl I've had a crush on for five years now is coming home to Philly for the holidays and she has propositioned me. I'm not sure how sure she is about this, but this time there is no mistaking what is going on. It would've been great to actually date her while she was here, but considering she is now going to law school 3000 miles away, this is the best I can do with her right now and it could be pretty awesome.


Now I just need to keep from ruining it before it happens.

It has been 8 months since my last blog. Since then, my personal life has suffered unbearably. All of the women that were romantic possibilities are long gone, for one reason or another. Well, I guess mostly just me being fucked up and withdrawing from all the people who knew my ex. I haven't met really any single ladies in a long time. Most of my old friendships broke down to a point where I had to get away, and now I spend a lot of time alone. I have a few friends who I didn't fall out with, but before the damage was done they were far out on the periphery, so my social life is not fully functional. Those friends I do have don't party like I like to for the most part, and there aren't really any events where there are ever any viable women to meet. So yeah, I haven't been laid since that last blog 8 months ago, except for St. Paddy's Day, which was less than a week after. And maaaan. I'm pretty lonely a lot of the time.

I was doing alright with my breakup when I had plenty of people to talk to and things to do. Women wanted me, I didn't think about her so much. Now, I just don't have any women left to talk to that I haven't forcibly driven away, and I think about her all the time. Just about every day. After all this time. I have to start mending all over again, and that is not going to happen til I get some more of the pieces of my life back into forward motion.

I really need to start getting out more. It's been hard for various reasons, mostly because the people who I'd feel comfortable and safe hanging out with and meeting people with aren't interested in doing the types of things I really like (ie, getting tanked) And there are the times when I do have opportunities to go out and meet people and I just can't do it when it's not on my own terms. But I have good days and bad days. Some days I feel like there are still people interested in spending time with me and talking to me, sometimes I go crazy feeling like these people just don't want to bother making time for me, don't give a shit. I dunno.

Still working the same job, extremely slowly progressing. I'd like to get out and find something better, but my hopes have been crushed so many times. At this point (as dumb as this sounds) it's more comforting to feel like I COULD get a better job if I applied myself than to try and fail and have it proven that I can't.

I guess I'm still in the same holding pattern I've been in since I graduated. I'm not in any trouble, I'm making enough to pay my bills, but it'd really be nice to actually have something to be happy about, rather than just not have anything pressing reason to kill myself. I guess I've really become satisfied with my potential, assuming that I could do well if I put myself out there, but too scared to actually do it. Clearly, this is a serious problem and no way to live.

Ok, lately... I guess I am fooling around with one of the girls that I was seeing previously. The other one just kinda fizzled out, and that's fine. This one seems to be working out pretty well for what it is. It's pretty much a friendship with benefits, but she's... not really the type of person I would choose as a friend. I mean, don't get me wrong, she's a really nice person and I have nothing at all against her, she just doesn't have the darkness and/or wit that tends to connect me to people. I guess the sex isn't bad, so that's ok, but I'm sorta worried about her getting in the way of me bettering myself and finding somebody I could really care about. I mean, I've told her that she's not really the type of person I could date and fall in love with, but that doesn't necessarily mean she's really understood and accepted it. For St. Paddy's day, we'll both be going on a pub crawl, and I feel (probably wrongly, but nonetheless) that it could be a good time to meet women... But there she will be, preventing this from happening. Even though we're not exclusive, I'd still be a huge dick to hit on somebody when she's around.

I guess she's just one more example of me just settling into what takes the least effort. On that note, I still don't have a new job. Still working for the liquor store. Things could be far, far worse, but they SHOULD be better. Ugh. I HAVE however, lined up a shop steward job (on the side) for the liquor store union. And I believe there is an internship (which I'd assume is paid, otherwise, fuck it) over the summer. If I could get a job with them, that would be fantastic. I'm fairly certain working for the union would pay significantly more than I'm making now, and I'd finally be able to feel like I've escaped this blue collar business. Not to say that that's not a necessary and perfectly respectable place to be, it's certainly not for me. I'm an intellectual. Maybe not that great of one, but still. I need to be in a job where I will use my skills, not just exert force in some way or another. I'd like to look into being a sales person for a liquor company. I could really use some help figuring out how to get my life together. I need a mentor or something.

Ah well. Things are improving. At a glacial pace, but it's better than nothing. I'll get where I need to be someday.

Oh god, I think I'm gonna win this. I've taken back most of the things I lost in the collateral damage of this breakup. I've got those parts of my life that I wanted back, and I feel good about it. I was dying, but now I'm learning to live again. And it's so fuckng satisfying to see that despite what she wanted to believe, it wasn't being with me that made her so unhappy. I've come from having no one to talk to, much less hang out with, and I've finally got a functioning social network again. I've got things to do, people to call and hang out with. The only things I want for will come in time, and I'm not in a bad position for waiting. I've lost weight, I've got plenty of things to do to keep myself busy when I'm alone. I've got a few big events coming up (October should be a GREAT month), and even the nights when I don't, I've got people that will call me and invite me out. Nothing's perfect, but everything's fine.

Fuck.

I've been going out and having some of the best times I can remember. I've got all the friends I really need. It's been a few weeks since I've had nothing to do on a weekend. By all indications, I've built myself a new life, and other than not having a decently paying job yet, it's pretty good... So why do I still come home and feel so fucking sad? Why do I still feel like I missed out on the best thing that ever happened to me?


I really wish I didn't know why.

I'm shaking right now.