My car was stolen tonight and I'm really upset about it. Now, technically, it wasn't MY car to begin with, so I kinda don't really need to be worried about not having a car for all that long... If they don't find it, my dad will be forced to buy another car, presumably one that runs better and isn't so fucked up as the old one, but should they not find it, I'll lose my cool new hoodie, dozens of cds(which are thankfully backed up on my hard drive) a bunch of books for school (though not my notebook with all my syllabi and papers in it) and some mesh shorts...

Fuck. I really wish this hadn't happened. I really wish they find it soon and it hasn't been hurt. I really wish the police would fucking get here. I called them 3 and a half hours ago, and they said they'd send somebody. I can't fucking go to bed til they get here, so I have to sit up here, tired as fuck, and wait. It's fucking ridiculous. And for what? They won't fucking find it. The only real chance they've got in finding it is if the thief(ves?) commits a crime and a cop is around to see it. The odds of that happening are probably slim to none. Fuck. I want my car and my stuff back. If not, I want a new car in a fairly timely fashion.

I feel like I really need Tiffany to be with me/there for me right now, and she's not. I called her twice and she didn't pick up or anything. I'm not too worried about that, but what I am worried about is that she'd drop me once it stopped being convenient. I realize that this might be something of a ridiculous thing to expect to happen, but man... I think I'd probably lose it if I lost her because I lost my car. Most people would probably tell me I shouldn't even be with someone like that... She wouldn't do that to me, if she really loved me... Or even strongly liked me (one of those must be the case...right?). And I'm sure I'll have SOMEthing to drive within the next couple of weeks, so lets just hope she can deal with this for now... But seriously, I hope she calls me soon, that'd make me feel a lot better, to hear from her.

Weekends like this make me think that we might just be able to sew things up some day...Maybe sooner than later. I mean... Really, for the most part, this weekend was really nice. I got to spend a lot of time alone with her... Maybe I'm just making something out of nothing, but every time she calls me babe, god... I can't resist thinking like this. Like it might mean something. I don't know...

I know she's still interested in girls... And whatever. I mean... If she's still doing stuff with me, I guess it wouldn't be too horrible, and really, I think it's just something she feels like she has to do. It's been a while, and she's probably wondering if it'd still be fun, if she'd still like it, and all that. I mean... maybe, just MAYBE, she'd date another girl, and decide once and for all that she wouldn't be happy with one, and she'd come back to me.

But then, maybe I'm just convenient for her right now. Somebody she can cuddle up with all she wants and not have to worry about me getting attached because she told me not to. I mean, she has to know that that's pretty much already happened, but she can cast me off guilt free because of that preface... Sometimes I know she can be that heartless, but then, sometimes she's so vulnerable, and I feel like she could need me again.

It's good so far. It's been fun every time. I've been happy, but I can see how it could go wrong. I have to keep telling myself, keep thinking "She's not mine, this isn't real, I don't care..."

She's back. In a big way, but not the biggest. It could be better, but not by all that much. I'm throroughly satisfied with how this is going so far. Really, I am. No complaints at all.

Oh jeez. I don't know what this means. Being the pining, mildly obsessive gentleman that I am, I check Tiffany's myspace profile every once in a while. Just to see what's going on with her and all... Today, I noticed that she made changes to some of it. "Who I want to meet: The love of my life, someone who I can just freakin, hang out with...and fuck every now and then. But I don't want to be with them all the time, and I don't want to plan my future with them any time in the near future. I do want to love agian."

That's funny, because those are some of the reasons we broke up. And that makes me think that she wrote this because she knows I check, and it looks like her listing the terms if we get back together... What the fuck does that mean? Is it for me? This is drilling a hole in my paranoid little brain. Should I send her a message saying "Yes, I accept!" No, that'd obviously be a 'tarded idea... But I'm thinking it might not be so bad to acknowledge that I saw that, and ask if it means what I think it does... God, it sucks being so pathetic. Now I'm conflicted. I've got this hope that I'm right and it means something and we'll be something again, and also the crushing fear that it means nothing, and that's her explaining why it'll never be again... Well, I've got Anj to read it over and talk to her about it.. I dont' know what kinda results I'll get, but at least that's a soft choice that won't be too messy.

Today, I started work on a new bit of a story... My boss walked over and said, "Hey Tom...Is this your last week?" I said, yeah. He said, "Is that because I said so or because you won't be able to come in?" I said because he said so a while ago. So he asked me if I wanted to stay longer...Of course, I took it! YES! I don't have to look for a job now! I don't know how long, but any time at all is good! I have a real job! There is no longer a time limit on my employment!

SO FUCKING RELIEVED.

Wonder if I can put on a few more hours now. I gotta figure Kate's gonna be gone, so maybe I could pick up her hours, actually make some money rather than just keeping myself alive.

I'm poised on what might be the hardest semester I've ever had. Thesis and two 300 level English classes. I might get upwards of 70 pages of writing to do this semester. I don't know how I'm gonna handle that, but I have a feeling I will. Thankfully, I've got 5 days a week to relieve that stress. I guess I'll have school Monday and Wednesday, and work Tuesday, Thursday and Friday. Off on weekends. Who'da thunk it? This is the way it's supposed to be. The longer I work here, the more I'll be desirable somewhere else.

When we get back to school, I'm taking my resume to career services to get some help on jazzing it up. I'm not gonna send it out right away, but I don't intend to stay here any longer than I have to. Not that it's a horrible job, but I think I'm destined for greater things (just a figure of speech, I don't believe in destiny).

Depending on how I'm doing in a week, I may or may not look into getting back into counseling. I think my life would be much improved if I started taking something for the social anxiety. Maybe I could live without, but just think how much I could improve if I were capable of the networking and politics that could make my life so much more real and vivid.

Also... I survived this Summer. Unbelievable. Seriously, I can't believe I made it through. Everything I needed to work came through just fine, against all odds. Everything, that is, except that one thing that I'm still learning to live without, which really makes quite a difference. But I guess in learning to live without, I have to focus on the positive. I survived, I THRIVED. I basically stopped making money, but I kept my bank account solid. I never ran out of money. I made it to the end and here we are. The fact that I made it through such a rough time, when I felt alone most of the time, when nothing seemed to work, when I felt like I was falling apart, is amazing. This is just another thing in a long line that has taught me that I can survive anything. Anything that happens, I'll live through it. *CUE OZZY'S IRON MAN*

Well. I've been looking at cars, and I think I know what I want. I found a T-Bird that's a pretty good deal. And I love those cars. Now I just have to get back to school and get my cash. I think this situation will work pretty well.

This trip to Canda seems like it could be a lot of fun. I want to get a couple more people in, though. I'm aiming for 6 or 9. Small enough to be maneuverable, but 3 people to a car offers the best space to fun ratio. I'm excited, I hope I can get the cash together to make this a reality.

Thesis. AHHHHHHH!!!!!

Lots of shows coming up. Rainer Maria on the 28th, then in October, in ONE WEEKEND, there's Metric and the SG burlesque. WOOOOO!!!!! I'm guessing there will be a few more before the season's out. But just with those, I'm set!

Dani got really pissed that I cut her from my myspace friends. I don't know why, as we haven't talked in a whiiiiiile. She said she connected with me more than she had anybody in a long time...Funny that she's bangin' some other dude(also named Tom, oddly enough). Funny how that works out. It sounds like she wants me to be her gay guy friend or something. Bah. Not being gay... I will not be any girl's eunuch friend. The position where a guy likes a girl, but she's not really interested, but they're friends anyway. I've been that guy before, it's not a good place. Anyway, I basically told her I wasn't interested in friendship and she got mad. It was really gratifying. Very much a guilty pleasure. The fuck you, tom, THAT was the win.

Monday night, I drove Anj up to Risque Video and helped her shop for porn. I'dve bought some myself, but any porn money I had lying around was spent on books on vacation.Eh, I didn't see anything I liked at a decent price, anyway. I thought it was funny trying to pick her out something she'd like. She ended up with one gay, one bi, one straight porn. When we were done that, her and a few other friends came over and we drank beer and played scattergories. This is one of my favorite activities for when my parents are away. After I started getting drunk, I cooked for everyone and started the slow spiral into the sad drunk place. When it came time to leave, Anj left me the straight porn she bought, which I was happy about. Then, however, I proceded to get all sad and whined to Britty for a little while, til she told me what I've needed to hear for months now. What none of my friends would say. That was good. That said, I checked out the porn to satisfaction then passed out on the couch. Spent the next day tired.

When I got home from work, I took a nap on the couch and had this raunchy dream about this girl that looked like she walked out of the 50's, wet-looking hair, severe makeup and yellow floral print dress, rubbing her fully clothed crotch on mine til it felt like that might be enough to do the job, then pulling up her skirt and climbing on top of me. Dreams like this are few and far between for me, but always appreciated.

This morning, somebody called my house at 5:30 AM. I was, once again, asleep on the couch and confused. I have my cell, so I never get calls on the house phone, and everybody knows my parents are gone... Who the fuck could be calling? So I pick up, still half asleep and say hello. The caller says, "Hey, katie, did you want a doughnut or a danish?" Rather than be annoyed, I was amused. I just said, sorry, bro, you got the wrong number. I wish, I WISH I'd been quick enough to say raspberry danish. I want my life to be a string of moments like that. Unique experiences where I react against the grain, taking every ounce of enjoyment out of a situation where it's not obvious.

Well, I'm back. I gotta say, for the most part, it was a really fun time. At first, I kinda felt out of place, like I was an outsider, but there were times when I really felt like part of the family. And then there were the constant reminders of her. Got me all maudlin and nostalgic and sometimes it was almost too much to take. Even now, I'm wondering...should I call her? Would it make a difference? Does she still love me? I know I should say the answer to all of those is a flat-out no... But god, I miss her. Now that Dani's gone, I got no other women to think about and it's not good. All I can remember is the good times, and yet all I can feel is the phantom pains of an amputated limb coupled with jealousy that she's happy and having fun with my friends. I should be there with her, and I wonder what would've happened if I hadn't offered up the option of us breaking up... I guess I thought I was doing her a favor, but really... What the fuck was I thinking? I might've known how I'd take it... Having a good, relaxing time did put me into a better place, and I feel like, at the least, I'm gonna survive.

I got an interview at Home Depot on Thursday. It's not much, but it's something. I hope I get it.

Tiff's mom wants to set me up with a girl at her work. I politely declined. Much as I like Tracie, I doubt she could set me up with a girl I'd like. Honestly, I don't think I have the qualities that draw in the ladies right now. I need to work a bit on myself, get my shit together. If I can get a decent job and get my head straight, maybe I'd have a shot at something that didn't leave me wanting to impale myself.

Well, it seems the only people willing to make time for me lately are...Tiffany's family. That's right. I'm going on vacation with my ex-girlfriend's mom and sister this weekend. We're going to Bethlehem for Musikfest, plus some carnival and for some reason, their campground is hosting some Eagles festivities where there will be strippers. That all sounds like a fantastic time to me, it's not even like I'm going with them just because I have nothing else to do(which, in reality, is true) but I have to wonder if spending so much time with them isn't going to put me in a bad place. Like wanting to come back. On the other hand, it would be hilarious if Tiffany came home on Saturday to find my car parked outside her house. I imagine she'd think I'm sitting in her living room waiting for her to get home so I can cause a scene. But nope, I'm just gonna be usurping her family. If she can still be friends with my friends, I can still be friends with her family.

I figure, at the very least, this'll be a hilarious story.