Fuck.

I've been going out and having some of the best times I can remember. I've got all the friends I really need. It's been a few weeks since I've had nothing to do on a weekend. By all indications, I've built myself a new life, and other than not having a decently paying job yet, it's pretty good... So why do I still come home and feel so fucking sad? Why do I still feel like I missed out on the best thing that ever happened to me?


I really wish I didn't know why.

I'm shaking right now.

Oh jesus. Last night, she kissed me and said she liked me. My response was... "Uh. Yeah. Don't say that." I really should end this now before I do some damage, but I haven't had the balls yet. Fuck. Not that it makes me feel any better about the whole thing, but I think I can sorta feel how she felt about me then...

Also, I've been quoted 250 for my tattoo at two different places. I suspect it might've been higher because we went to South St. I'm gonna try and get it cheaper, because that's like... almost double what I was expecting. That's just unreasonable. But should I not be able to find a place that'll do it cheaper, I have an appointment next week.

This is a busy month for me, socially. I've got stuff to do, and I've even got a girl to date. But then, I'm finding myself not too excited about it. She's kinda quiet. Not like, extremely, but she just doesn't seem to have the star quality that I crave. I mean, I know this is pretty much the dumbest thing ever, because I know I want the attention, and this could be just the venue for me to be the attention getter... But I don't know. It's not much of a challenge so far. This is how dating is supposed to be, and I find myself having trouble getting really jazzed about it. I don't know. We've talked, but I really feel like I know nothing important about her. I know the bare facts, but I don't know anything about her personality.

I mean... I know guys with boring girlfriends, and as much as I like staying home and just watching tv and such, I really want somebody exciting. I want controversy. I want danger. I want kinky sex! I want... I don't fucking know what I want. I figured just having somebody, anybody to be there with me would make this so much easier, but so far, all I can think about is how this is different. But then, I didn't know the last one right away. It took time for me to really fall in love. And I guess that's what I want. I want crazy, passionate, throw caution to the wind LOVE. I want what I lost.....

Ugh. So I'd been doing alright for a while. I'd been getting out, not as much as I'd like, but enough. I'd been getting comfortable hanging out at home when I didn't have anywhere else to be and I was feeling ok. I'd even met a couple of girls that, while not quite on par with the ol' gal, mighta done me. Mighta loved me. (Not that I'm in any way sure any of that is going to happen, but for the moment, it's still in the realm of possibility) I'd even had a bit of visual imagery that was working to block out thoughts of her. But it all broke down, and in the past week or so, it's been a lot of that. A lot of nostalgia. Forgetting the horrible things she did to me, and only really remembering the happiness we had. It got to the point where I wrote her a letter that I was thinking of sending her in a month or two when the summer's over and her needs once again become realistic. Basically, I love you, no one else can love you like I did, you came back to me twice before, it's gotta mean something. And some other bullshit along that line. But then I remembered how she stomped on my heart after the end there. And I felt like, wait a minute, what was I thinking? So that letter gets thrown in a drawer hopefully to rot, and if she wants me back, it'd have to be on my terms and she'd have to initiate. So basically, what I'm saying is that she'd never be willing to initiate it, she'd never agree to have things any less than her way, so I guess that's over with. But hey, she's beautiful, and one of the smartest girls I've known, so if she ever gains the ability to compromise, and achieves a real understanding of love that she wants to share with me, she can be my guest. But fat chance of that ever happening. This is the way I need to think. This is how we keep the loneliness at bay. There are other girls, and although my situation makes it a little tough to meet them barring certain rare venues, I'm bound to find SOMETHING to ward away the loneliness in a way that doesn't make me feel like garbage.

Well... after Steve's birthday party, I think it's about time to say goodbye to that entire group. I just can't be around Tiffany at all anymore. There's just too much pain, and she seems to have decided to twist the knife by flirting with anyone/everyone right in front of me. At this point, I simply can't handle having her in my life in any capacity.

I'm taking a hiatus from that group of friends and myspace. I need to start over. Even if I end up sitting at home reading most of the time, that'd hurt much less than seeing her skank it up with anyone that'll let her. I have other friends, the problem being that all of them have their own shit going on, so they don't really have much time for me. I need a new best friend. Not that there's anything wrong with the old one, he's been pretty ok with the breakup and all, but he lives with her and more or less refuses to ever go out and do anything. So if I want to hang out with him, I have to go to their condo. Which I simply can't do again. Not any time soon.

Who knows? Maybe if I stay away for a couple months, I'll be able to get my head together, and maybe even (cross fingers) find somebody else. At this point, I've mostly decided that while we were happy sometimes, we have the ol' irreconcilable differences, and unless she does some serious growing up in short order (which is pretty damn unlikely) it's never going to work out. My best hope right now is that she'll get kicked out of the condo for not being able to make rent, so when I feel like I've healed enough, she won't be there, and I can hang out again. But then, maybe I never will. I mean, honestly, I think things are done with these friends. It could very well be over for good. There's just not enough of them in my corner, not enough of the time. I can't let myself suffer with uninterested friends. So for right now? Fuck 'em, I don't need 'em.

I guess, now that she's given up on SG, this is now a pretty good place to blog the things I'm afraid to say on Myspace...

I've had good days and bad days with this breakup so far... This weekend has been a streak of bad ones. These poems she's been posting basically leave me alternating between feeling hurt that she wants to fuck someone else, wishing she was writing these poems about me and wondering if she actually DID write them about me and wondering if she still loves me and when she's coming back.

And I guess that really mirrors how I've felt about the whole thing in general. It's been hurting for a long time, but she was like my family, she could hurt me forever and I'd just keep on letting her, remembering the good days and hoping that they'll return. I really feel like I'm stopped up somehow. Like I've wanted to cry, just to sort of have a release but it just never comes. And I've been close, because this is really upsetting. Especially now that she's leaving SG, that makes me feel like it's really over for good. She's left pieces of herself everywhere for me to find. I mean... My life is permeated with her essence. Hers is with me, too. Half of her friends, her driver's license, her current home, hell, her sexuality, are all pretty much due to me. And it hurts that she can just cast me off like it was all nothing. She's been a part of my life for so long, and now she's gone. I mean, it's not as if I was abusive. We fought a lot near the end, but it took both of us to fight.

I should be looking for new girls. That's one of my only options to make this ok. I mean, I know it upsets me when she does the same, but then, I'm the sensitive one. I'm the one that gets hurt. I need to be ok with this or it's gonna leave me torn open and exposed for months. Honestly, she'd probably be relieved if I found someone else... Somehow, she seems to be unchanged, unhurt, just perfectly ok with this. I need someone else to make me feel like I'm special still. Like I'm not damaged somehow. But myspace is no longer a good place to meet people, and I'm too uncomfortable to meet people in person... So what options do I even have? It feels hopeless.

I still can't let go. I'm not the type that ever does. I'm still hoping that, like last time, she'll come around again when she's had her fun and remember that she loved me, and that she still can. I try to suppress this feeling because I know it leaves me most vulnerable. I can't even commit to a way of feeling. I'm too afraid of getting hurt again, so I can't seem to choose a stance on this. I can't really stand for fully moving on because I don't want to lose my chance for love with her for good (and honestly, I have no one to move on to, and odds are there won't be anybody anytime soon), but I can't just try to pursue her again because I don't think that's an option at the moment. Or maybe ever again. I suppose there's a very small chance that she'd come back around if I found the right thing to say, the right way to be, but I don't know what that is, if there even is anything I could do. And there's another feeling I get, too. That I just don't love her anymore, that I only want her because she's familiar and comfortable. But that's no more a natural state than any of the others. I love her but I don't love her. I hate her and I'm hurt by her, but I want to shower her with my affection forever. I want to leave her, but I want her to stay. Ahhhhhhhhhhh... I want this to end, it's the same awful feeling, over and over again. I wish I could just feel like, one way or another, how it is is how it's always going to be. I want her to come back and love me all the time, not just when she feels like it...

And it only gets worse. I mean, honestly.... Posting about how you want to fuck someone else on a public forum? That's a big sign that you cared about somebody.

Oh god, it's over with her again, and I feel SO stupid and ugly and hurt.

I don't know if it's as bad as it was last time, but I definitely feel a lot worse about myself this time.

She actually said she wasn't sexually attracted to me anymore... That really makes me feel like a fucking troglodyte. I feel ugly and stupid and uninteresting. I feel like no other woman would want me. Like this is the best girl that I'll have ever been with, and it's all downhill from here.

I saw it coming for a while now. I could feel her moving away from me, how she wasn't happy to see me anymore, how she didn't call me all the time, happy to talk to me and share everything with me. Too often, I was starting to hear words like, "Oh, I never told you about that?" I knew it was the beginning of the end, and knowing that it was gonna end made it so much worse. I'd have thought, knowing that something was wrong, I could've avoided it, but hard as I might've tried, as much as I tried to revive her interest in me, to keep her entertained, nothing worked, and she just seemed to grow to hate me. And now she says she still cares, but people who care don't abandon you. If she really cared, she wouldn't have cut me out completely. She'd have let me down easy, instead of breaking up with me over the phone, not even giving me the courtesy of coming to see me to tell me, or even to actually call me. She made me call her. She seems to act like it doesn't even bother her, she's so detached... I think she disconnected from me emotionally a long time ago, but I can't do that, so I'm bleeding out the happiness all over... I can't seem to do anything to make myself happy, to take my mind off of things. Nothing can even keep my interest. This was the girl who once cried for an hour because I said it seemed like I was too into her and felt like I might need some time away to get school work done. And now we're broken up for real and she doesn't love me anymore, and no tears are shed. I've lost the only person in the world I could talk to, the only person I could call just to chat. The only person I could just hang out with and do nothing, and never get bored or uncomfortable. My best friend, and the person I hoped to spend my life with. But then, that girl's been dead for a while now. I still love that one. This one, I don't even want to get to know her, because she's heartless.

God, spending all of last summer trying to get away, trying to meet new women, I couldn't forget about her. And now there's 8 more months of history, that much more baggage.

And there's the hope that maybe, now that I'm free again, I can finally find someone that loves me and is willing to do what's necessary to make it work. Somebody that wants to do the things I want to do. And I'm terrified that I'll never find her. It's so hard for me to meet people, much less pretty girls...

It's just about growing up time. Working at the liquor store is working out pretty well, and I'm making enough money that I'm not broke all the time. But I'll need more if I want to get the hell out on my own any time soon. I'm on auto-pilot til Graduation. I'll be trying like the dickens to get my own ride pretty soon, and then it's off to both move out and pay back my loans. I'm getting to a point where I'd be fine living at home if I was single, but my lifestyle with Tiff causes some conflict. I need to have a place of my own. Whether or not Tiff shares it with me will be worked out eventually, but if not, I'm sure she'll still be there, all the time. I can't stand not having a place for us to go. Not even just a place where we can fuck unheeded, we need a place where we can call home. I feel bad for her that she doesn't really have a satisfactory home base, because, as I've said, if it weren't for her, I'd LOVE my house. The only bad thing is my very Christian parents... Ugh. Not to sound like I resent her, though, she in no way spoils my enjoyment of my home situation, it's just that it's kinda sucky that she can't really enjoy it right along with me.

I'm terrified of looking for a real job, and the ineptitude I'd feel going into it.

I need new people to hang out with. Everybody's splitting up, and we're being left behind... Not that I don't love spending time with Tiff, but we need other people, too. I've never been good at making friends. I'll make one, and latch onto whoever he knows and hangs out with. It's pretty easy until you need to start from scratch. Everybody's got their own circle at this point, and it's hard to break into them. Besides, it's always weird to try and break in a new friend. You both have your own routines and schedules, and it's not easy to set something up so you can regularly hang out. Maybe I should call Cait and Melissa occasionally or something. Or Kevin... But then I have to worry about Tiff liking them, too. I want friends we can share. That don't go to the bar all the time.

I need some new cds. Haven't heard anything interesting since BSS. Hopefully, SOMEBODY will download and burn for me the new cds that I've been craving...

She wrote me a letter for my birthday today and it probably made me happier than anything else she could've given me or done for me.