It's a forgone conclusion that my degree in English is not taking me anywhere I want to be. I can't sleep, can't stop thinking about what the hell I'm gonna do with my life. Wondering just how few credits in computer-type classes I could take to get some kind of IT job. I know state jobs can be easy to get with the proper qualifications but pay poorly, which is a-ok to me. I'm not looking to make a mint or anything, just a bit of modest security. Then I think on a grander scale and wonder what it would take to get a masters in some kind of computer discipline. I'm not exactly an advanced user, but I'm a smart guy and I feel like that's something I could groove on. Not any kind of web design or anything like that, just... I dunno... systems management? I don't even know what's out there. I'll have to do some research.

I have a degree from an established university, but I have to assume any kind of financial aid I'd get would be far, far less (nil?) than what I got going for my bachelor's. I have a good bed of cash saved up but I'd rather not blow it all on what could work out to be a huge waste. So I wonder if I could take classes at community or something. It's been great not having to worry about anything but work, and even then, only when I'm there. Looks like I should probably give that up again for a while if I ever want to grow up...

If I could stick with Lindsay (which seems a little easier every day and a little harder a few times a month) maybe I could help her get through school monetarily, and when she makes it, she could help me. But I know it's dangerous to let my future depend on her. We're still pretty unstable, and I have to eat shit every once in a while just to keep us going. It can be really, really hard for me to not just walk away sometimes. Still, I want it to work out most of the time. Sometimes we both go crazy and we can't see the good, but so far, that feeling always fades. I don't know if we can keep going like this. I mean, not that I don't think it's possible, I know it is entirely possible, and it becomes moreso as she and the people in her life get older and more mature, but there could easily come a day when both of us give up working on it. I'd decide I'd rather be alone, and she'd take the next thing coming along, which would be crushingly immediate. I know there's always a fucking vulture waiting to pick my carcass. Still, I can be hopeful and push that aside and think of us as still us only with a dog and a home and a life together.