IPOD
RADIO
A friend of mine asked me about cheating on facebook as part of a survey to incorporate into an essay she was doing. It was such an interesting topic for me because my views have changed throughout the years. I thought my response should be posted on here. See how much you agree/disagree with me.
this is what she posted:
So, I'm writing a research essay on the what are the functional and dysfunctional aspects of infidelity and I need some field research, not counting my own personal experiences. If any of you are willing, and I hope you are, could you possibly fill out the following questionnaire I've created. Depending on how comfortable you feel answers the following questions, you can chose to post it here, send me a message, or even put it in my honesty box if you really want to remain anonymous. I really need help with this, so please will some of you fill it out?
***If I tagged you in this note that I think youve had these kinds of experiences, you were just the first name to pop up on my list of friends. If you've never had any kind of experience with this kind of thing, please feel free to put what you **think** would happen.***
How do you define cheating (romantic, sexual, internet...)?
Have you ever committed an act of infidelity, or had one committed against you?
How did you respond to cheating and why did you choose that response?
What was your rationale for the cheating? Why did you commit the act or why did your partner commit the act?
When you found out your partner cheated (or found out you were cheating) did you do the follow things (on a 1-7 scale)
a) Were hurt
b) Wanted revenge
c) Desired an end to the relationship
d) Were forgiving or sought forgiveness
e) Sought condolence from others
My response:
Cheating? Hmmmmm....finally something I know about.
A) how do I define cheating? The older I get the more I consider it 'cheating' when it's emotional. When two people enter a relationship and they have an emotional bond, then it's a bona fide relationship. When those two people go through a period where they express unconditional love, TRUST, and reciprocal honesty, then that defines a 'true' relationship. Now let's say one partner finds another person that he/she is physically attracted to and actually has a physical encounter with that person but without an emotional bond, then there are two ways that can go: the partner can tell his/her partner the truth about what happened, or lie about it. In telling the partner the truth about the encounter, he/she is still expressing a crucial part of the relationship: honesty. If the partner chooses to lie or acknowledge the encounter (remember....this is all assuming that monogamy is part of the bargain, I won't even begin to get into polygamy), then this is cheating not in a physical sense but a strictly emotional sense: he/she has broken the covenant of honesty.
If a partner is still in a relationship, and forms an emotional and physical bond with someone outside the partnership and chooses to lead a double life, complete with lying and duplicity, this is, in my opinion, cheating in every single form there is. Why? Because he/she has broken any trace of an emotional agreement that he signed whenever he/she entered said relationship.
And a quick side note to internet 'cheating': in my view, sometimes a person meets someone on the internet and a fantasy/image is created. I can say this from experience because my current boyfriend has known a girl for three years through the internet. And while they have never met and most likely will never meet, they have somewhat of an emotional bond that I don't consider cheating, why? Because he's been honest with me. And frankly, I think she offers a nice refresher from me at times, so he comes back to me with vigor because he knows he has a 'choice.' I think he wants a 'perfect' woman to linger over at times. But from the conversations that I'm aware of (I honestly do not care so I don't pay much attention), they're not very sexual, but more conversational, which is all the better for him. I'd rather have someone give him more verbal approval in conjunction with me. ANOTHER reason why I accept this and why it doesn't bother me is because I think in a way it satisfies any physical temptation he might have by having an 'internet fantasy'. I hope some of that made sense. He may have an emotional bond but I don't consider it cheating per se because he has been truthful and honest about it, and I don't see anything wrong with it.
So in short, emotional cheating is what I consider legitimate cheating. It may be disguised as physical, but when it comes down to it: it's emotional.
B) (whew I hope you're dealing with my long winded writing....haha) Have I ever committed infidelity or had infidelity committed against me?
Yes. All when I was younger. I dated someone for 2 1/2 years. A month and a half after we started dating, he cheated on me while I was out of town. It was a drunken kiss, and in retrospect, easily understandable and forgivable, but he lied to me about it when confronted, and I was honestly too young to understand the mechanics of a relationship so while I 'forgave him' I was still resentful. When I was 16 and had already been in the same relationship with my last boyfriend for a year, I cheated on him with someone, lied to him even when confronted and then broke up with him. We got back together a few months later but the end of our relationship was pockmarked by, you guessed it, bona fide emotional cheating. He lied to me about emotional connections he had to another woman, and that lead to an ugly ugly break up. I wonder how much could have been avoided by both better understanding, maturity, and reciprocal trust.
C) How did I respond to that cheating? I think some of my reactions were highlighted in that above paragraph, but if you have any further questions, feel free to ask. Another example of 'cheating' that I engaged in was when I was in Austin College actually. I was dating a guy back home, and we were in our 3rd month when I honestly didn't feel anything for him anymore. Instead of being up front and honest, I distanced myself emotionally and ended up having a drunken fling with someone that will remain unnamed. I didn't tell him, and instead shut the guy out emotionally and verbally until he 'got the hint', we haven't talked to this day. I cheated in two ways: physically and emotionally. Physically by having a fling with that guy. But definitely emotionally because A) I didn't relate to him that I wanted the relationship to be over, I already broke an agreement by becoming emotionally closed off and B) by failing to tell him the truth about the encounter.
D) What was the rationale?
*With my first boyfriend (the one I was with for 2 1/2 years) I think it was because I was curious. I lost my virginity to the boyfriend, and although I had kissed many many...many boys before him, I was still curious sexually and emotionally. I think it was emotional immaturity and inexperience that led me to cheat. But in retrospect the only regret i really have is that I wish I had been honest when he had confronted me. I think I wove a web of lies and hurt that can never be erased by him or me.
*When he cheat on me, I think it was because he was drunk, simple as that. And he's a boy. THe girl he kissed was actually pretty cute, so if it had happened today and if he had told me the truth instead of lying about it, i would have high fived him and then told him never to do it again.
*When he found another woman emotionally towards the end of the relationship, and did not sever ties with me and instead led me on a wild goose chase for eight months, including after we 'officially' broke up (and I was pregnant at one point) I think it's because he was scared of losing me because I was such a fundamental part of his life for 2 1/2 years. We were each other's first love and I think he was in some ways emotionally immature as I was even though he was older by three years. There are many reasons why he cheated and many reasons why he lied. But I think the main reason was fear. I think he saw that I was moving on and reached out emotionally to another girl and it just clicked. And unfortunately we BOTH didn't have enough clarity to see how we could avoid hurt in the long run by ending ties. As a result we're still not on speaking terms, but I see things much clearly in retrospect, and we could have handled things so much better by recognizing the fundamental differences.
*With the guy that i had a long term relationship with back at AC (well over a year ago now), I cheated on him because I no longer felt an emotional connection. Simple as that.
i'm going to refrain from the sliding scale part because I think my reactions were gauged pretty accurately by my answers, but if it's absolutely necessary, let me know and I'll go ahead and do one.
As an additional note:
I have several friends who are polygamous. And honestly, they seem happier than most couples I know. But I don't think it should be universal because many human being still struggle with their own insecurities and definitions within a relationship. I myself still want monogamy, but I'm more understanding of physical encounters (because you know....it is human nature to be tempted and to succumb to temptation as well as to resist) as long as emotional integrity remains intact. I may change my view in the future, but relatively speaking, I'm still a jealous little bitch hahahaha.
In all honesty one of the 'best' relationships I ever had was unofficial. He goes here at AC. He would come over and we would look at Suicide Girls together, we would go out for sushi and talk about women. We would have these incredible intellectual discussions and I still talk to him almost every day. He still gives me a boost of confidence whenever I'm down. And we never had an official boyfriend-girlfriend relationship because he was happy being single. And I absolutely loved the freedom we both had, even when he slept with other women I never felt threatened because we still had that 'click' factor. I don't think I could do that with anyone else though, I'm too jealous-ish and I always demand some kind of official agreement. So there you go, that's how weird the world is.
Anyway I hope I helped out, I know I wasn't tagged but your note caught my eye because it's something I've had many many MANY discussions and thought-parties over.
Sarah Clark
p.s. I don't care about anonymity. Feel free to throw my name around like a cheap condom. I might as well be open about things if nobody else is.
this is what she posted:
So, I'm writing a research essay on the what are the functional and dysfunctional aspects of infidelity and I need some field research, not counting my own personal experiences. If any of you are willing, and I hope you are, could you possibly fill out the following questionnaire I've created. Depending on how comfortable you feel answers the following questions, you can chose to post it here, send me a message, or even put it in my honesty box if you really want to remain anonymous. I really need help with this, so please will some of you fill it out?
***If I tagged you in this note that I think youve had these kinds of experiences, you were just the first name to pop up on my list of friends. If you've never had any kind of experience with this kind of thing, please feel free to put what you **think** would happen.***
How do you define cheating (romantic, sexual, internet...)?
Have you ever committed an act of infidelity, or had one committed against you?
How did you respond to cheating and why did you choose that response?
What was your rationale for the cheating? Why did you commit the act or why did your partner commit the act?
When you found out your partner cheated (or found out you were cheating) did you do the follow things (on a 1-7 scale)
a) Were hurt
b) Wanted revenge
c) Desired an end to the relationship
d) Were forgiving or sought forgiveness
e) Sought condolence from others
My response:
Cheating? Hmmmmm....finally something I know about.
A) how do I define cheating? The older I get the more I consider it 'cheating' when it's emotional. When two people enter a relationship and they have an emotional bond, then it's a bona fide relationship. When those two people go through a period where they express unconditional love, TRUST, and reciprocal honesty, then that defines a 'true' relationship. Now let's say one partner finds another person that he/she is physically attracted to and actually has a physical encounter with that person but without an emotional bond, then there are two ways that can go: the partner can tell his/her partner the truth about what happened, or lie about it. In telling the partner the truth about the encounter, he/she is still expressing a crucial part of the relationship: honesty. If the partner chooses to lie or acknowledge the encounter (remember....this is all assuming that monogamy is part of the bargain, I won't even begin to get into polygamy), then this is cheating not in a physical sense but a strictly emotional sense: he/she has broken the covenant of honesty.
If a partner is still in a relationship, and forms an emotional and physical bond with someone outside the partnership and chooses to lead a double life, complete with lying and duplicity, this is, in my opinion, cheating in every single form there is. Why? Because he/she has broken any trace of an emotional agreement that he signed whenever he/she entered said relationship.
And a quick side note to internet 'cheating': in my view, sometimes a person meets someone on the internet and a fantasy/image is created. I can say this from experience because my current boyfriend has known a girl for three years through the internet. And while they have never met and most likely will never meet, they have somewhat of an emotional bond that I don't consider cheating, why? Because he's been honest with me. And frankly, I think she offers a nice refresher from me at times, so he comes back to me with vigor because he knows he has a 'choice.' I think he wants a 'perfect' woman to linger over at times. But from the conversations that I'm aware of (I honestly do not care so I don't pay much attention), they're not very sexual, but more conversational, which is all the better for him. I'd rather have someone give him more verbal approval in conjunction with me. ANOTHER reason why I accept this and why it doesn't bother me is because I think in a way it satisfies any physical temptation he might have by having an 'internet fantasy'. I hope some of that made sense. He may have an emotional bond but I don't consider it cheating per se because he has been truthful and honest about it, and I don't see anything wrong with it.
So in short, emotional cheating is what I consider legitimate cheating. It may be disguised as physical, but when it comes down to it: it's emotional.
B) (whew I hope you're dealing with my long winded writing....haha) Have I ever committed infidelity or had infidelity committed against me?
Yes. All when I was younger. I dated someone for 2 1/2 years. A month and a half after we started dating, he cheated on me while I was out of town. It was a drunken kiss, and in retrospect, easily understandable and forgivable, but he lied to me about it when confronted, and I was honestly too young to understand the mechanics of a relationship so while I 'forgave him' I was still resentful. When I was 16 and had already been in the same relationship with my last boyfriend for a year, I cheated on him with someone, lied to him even when confronted and then broke up with him. We got back together a few months later but the end of our relationship was pockmarked by, you guessed it, bona fide emotional cheating. He lied to me about emotional connections he had to another woman, and that lead to an ugly ugly break up. I wonder how much could have been avoided by both better understanding, maturity, and reciprocal trust.
C) How did I respond to that cheating? I think some of my reactions were highlighted in that above paragraph, but if you have any further questions, feel free to ask. Another example of 'cheating' that I engaged in was when I was in Austin College actually. I was dating a guy back home, and we were in our 3rd month when I honestly didn't feel anything for him anymore. Instead of being up front and honest, I distanced myself emotionally and ended up having a drunken fling with someone that will remain unnamed. I didn't tell him, and instead shut the guy out emotionally and verbally until he 'got the hint', we haven't talked to this day. I cheated in two ways: physically and emotionally. Physically by having a fling with that guy. But definitely emotionally because A) I didn't relate to him that I wanted the relationship to be over, I already broke an agreement by becoming emotionally closed off and B) by failing to tell him the truth about the encounter.
D) What was the rationale?
*With my first boyfriend (the one I was with for 2 1/2 years) I think it was because I was curious. I lost my virginity to the boyfriend, and although I had kissed many many...many boys before him, I was still curious sexually and emotionally. I think it was emotional immaturity and inexperience that led me to cheat. But in retrospect the only regret i really have is that I wish I had been honest when he had confronted me. I think I wove a web of lies and hurt that can never be erased by him or me.
*When he cheat on me, I think it was because he was drunk, simple as that. And he's a boy. THe girl he kissed was actually pretty cute, so if it had happened today and if he had told me the truth instead of lying about it, i would have high fived him and then told him never to do it again.
*When he found another woman emotionally towards the end of the relationship, and did not sever ties with me and instead led me on a wild goose chase for eight months, including after we 'officially' broke up (and I was pregnant at one point) I think it's because he was scared of losing me because I was such a fundamental part of his life for 2 1/2 years. We were each other's first love and I think he was in some ways emotionally immature as I was even though he was older by three years. There are many reasons why he cheated and many reasons why he lied. But I think the main reason was fear. I think he saw that I was moving on and reached out emotionally to another girl and it just clicked. And unfortunately we BOTH didn't have enough clarity to see how we could avoid hurt in the long run by ending ties. As a result we're still not on speaking terms, but I see things much clearly in retrospect, and we could have handled things so much better by recognizing the fundamental differences.
*With the guy that i had a long term relationship with back at AC (well over a year ago now), I cheated on him because I no longer felt an emotional connection. Simple as that.
i'm going to refrain from the sliding scale part because I think my reactions were gauged pretty accurately by my answers, but if it's absolutely necessary, let me know and I'll go ahead and do one.
As an additional note:
I have several friends who are polygamous. And honestly, they seem happier than most couples I know. But I don't think it should be universal because many human being still struggle with their own insecurities and definitions within a relationship. I myself still want monogamy, but I'm more understanding of physical encounters (because you know....it is human nature to be tempted and to succumb to temptation as well as to resist) as long as emotional integrity remains intact. I may change my view in the future, but relatively speaking, I'm still a jealous little bitch hahahaha.
In all honesty one of the 'best' relationships I ever had was unofficial. He goes here at AC. He would come over and we would look at Suicide Girls together, we would go out for sushi and talk about women. We would have these incredible intellectual discussions and I still talk to him almost every day. He still gives me a boost of confidence whenever I'm down. And we never had an official boyfriend-girlfriend relationship because he was happy being single. And I absolutely loved the freedom we both had, even when he slept with other women I never felt threatened because we still had that 'click' factor. I don't think I could do that with anyone else though, I'm too jealous-ish and I always demand some kind of official agreement. So there you go, that's how weird the world is.
Anyway I hope I helped out, I know I wasn't tagged but your note caught my eye because it's something I've had many many MANY discussions and thought-parties over.
Sarah Clark
p.s. I don't care about anonymity. Feel free to throw my name around like a cheap condom. I might as well be open about things if nobody else is.
My wanderlust is kicking in again. I feel like I may be leaving ABQ soon.
Where in the United States is good to go?
Where in the United States is good to go?
A lot has gone down.
I'm still with my man. He's in Basic Combat Training at Fort Jackson in South Carolina. I'm sad that we're apart for now, but I'm proud of him. Pending his completion of training, I'm most likely moving to wherever his PCS (permanent change of station) is. It's most likely going to be Ft Stewart in Georgia, a base in Alaska (probably Greeley), or even India. Interesting. We'll see how it goes. I'm not sure about his deployment status. He's a petroleum supply specialist with Airborne division. He comes home for exodus on the 19th of December, so I'll get to post lots of pictures of him in his uniform, YEOW!
Anyway, other than that I've just been working and drinking. Repeat. Shitty people live in albuquerque, I noticed that. But I've managed to find a few good friends that I love to death, thank god for them.
Just letting everyone know I"m not dead (yet). Real update later.
I'm still with my man. He's in Basic Combat Training at Fort Jackson in South Carolina. I'm sad that we're apart for now, but I'm proud of him. Pending his completion of training, I'm most likely moving to wherever his PCS (permanent change of station) is. It's most likely going to be Ft Stewart in Georgia, a base in Alaska (probably Greeley), or even India. Interesting. We'll see how it goes. I'm not sure about his deployment status. He's a petroleum supply specialist with Airborne division. He comes home for exodus on the 19th of December, so I'll get to post lots of pictures of him in his uniform, YEOW!
Anyway, other than that I've just been working and drinking. Repeat. Shitty people live in albuquerque, I noticed that. But I've managed to find a few good friends that I love to death, thank god for them.
Just letting everyone know I"m not dead (yet). Real update later.
Lesson learned.
Moving on.
Literally and figuratively.
I may be moving to Missouri.
Ain't no way in hell I'm going back to Texas...for now.
Moving on.
Literally and figuratively.
I may be moving to Missouri.
Ain't no way in hell I'm going back to Texas...for now.
real post time I guess.
Sometimes it's hard for me to believe that life is worth it all.
I'm not talking about suicide, but just in terms of absolute and total success or failure.
My family has fallen apart. My mother is so batshit crazy I've decided to push her out of my life. And on top of that I've just found out that she has lung cancer. So now I'm torn between trying to be there for her and saving my mental sanity. I'm so worried about my father it makes me physically sick. My sister and I haven't spoken in three months; she doesn't answer my texts, phone calls or emails. And I have absolutely no idea why. As a result of this, I've had to reach out to the others around me.
I'm a failure at trust. I go into relationships of any kind so entrenched in my battle stations that I end up fucking myself over as well as the person I love. And that's exactly what I've done. Except in this case we both shot the shit out of each other. Gives the term 'friendly fire' a different meaning. It's funny how I'm so callous, so guarded, so ferocious and resistant to the advances, promises and tender approaches of my significant other until shit falls down around me. Then that's when the true test begins, either I walk away, or my love is like a phoenix: it rises from the ashes.
It's a long story, and the blame is on both me and my boyfriend. But in a nutshell, I fucked up, and then he fucked up equally, we argued all night, slept, woke up the next morning, and I left without kissing him goodbye. The first time I ever left without kissing him goodbye. When I came home, enlistment papers for the army were on the table.
I have never been so fucking angry, confused, hurt and heartbroken in my life. I cried until my body was dry.
But I deserved it.
It's changed the both of us.
I've decided to stay with him. At least until he tells me it won't work anymore. Or until I feel like it's breaking me. The fight we had changed the dynamics of our relationship to a point where we have to face each other on opposite sides of the war zone. I'm still hurt, I'm still heartbroken, but I've decided that if it's important to him, then it's important to me. He's been both good and bad to me, and I've been both good and bad to him. The blame is on both of us for this situation. He's given me reasons for joining the army, and they're valid. So I have to accept it, and at least help him. If he wants to do it, then I want to help him. Because I know he would do the exact same for me.
I don't know where I'm going to go from here. I may follow him into the dark. I may stay behind. But lord knows that love like this only walks into my life a few times, and I have to hold on to it for as long as I can.
I let love walk out the door once, I'll be damned if it happens again.
If it ends this time, it'll be because we both sat down and said "it's not going anymore."
Everything is so damn quiet.
Sometimes it's hard for me to believe that life is worth it all.
I'm not talking about suicide, but just in terms of absolute and total success or failure.
My family has fallen apart. My mother is so batshit crazy I've decided to push her out of my life. And on top of that I've just found out that she has lung cancer. So now I'm torn between trying to be there for her and saving my mental sanity. I'm so worried about my father it makes me physically sick. My sister and I haven't spoken in three months; she doesn't answer my texts, phone calls or emails. And I have absolutely no idea why. As a result of this, I've had to reach out to the others around me.
I'm a failure at trust. I go into relationships of any kind so entrenched in my battle stations that I end up fucking myself over as well as the person I love. And that's exactly what I've done. Except in this case we both shot the shit out of each other. Gives the term 'friendly fire' a different meaning. It's funny how I'm so callous, so guarded, so ferocious and resistant to the advances, promises and tender approaches of my significant other until shit falls down around me. Then that's when the true test begins, either I walk away, or my love is like a phoenix: it rises from the ashes.
It's a long story, and the blame is on both me and my boyfriend. But in a nutshell, I fucked up, and then he fucked up equally, we argued all night, slept, woke up the next morning, and I left without kissing him goodbye. The first time I ever left without kissing him goodbye. When I came home, enlistment papers for the army were on the table.
I have never been so fucking angry, confused, hurt and heartbroken in my life. I cried until my body was dry.
But I deserved it.
It's changed the both of us.
I've decided to stay with him. At least until he tells me it won't work anymore. Or until I feel like it's breaking me. The fight we had changed the dynamics of our relationship to a point where we have to face each other on opposite sides of the war zone. I'm still hurt, I'm still heartbroken, but I've decided that if it's important to him, then it's important to me. He's been both good and bad to me, and I've been both good and bad to him. The blame is on both of us for this situation. He's given me reasons for joining the army, and they're valid. So I have to accept it, and at least help him. If he wants to do it, then I want to help him. Because I know he would do the exact same for me.
I don't know where I'm going to go from here. I may follow him into the dark. I may stay behind. But lord knows that love like this only walks into my life a few times, and I have to hold on to it for as long as I can.
I let love walk out the door once, I'll be damned if it happens again.
If it ends this time, it'll be because we both sat down and said "it's not going anymore."
Everything is so damn quiet.
OCTOBER 2008
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SEPTEMBER 2008
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JULY 2008