new year, all new start. my 12 hour days of work are done, and I'm kicking off the new start with the strokes gig at nottm arena, huzzah!

spare ticket tho

I dunno what's going on recently, I dont wanna be alone, but Im being too honest with everyone. I know its gonna piss them off and hate me, but I do it anyway.. maybe i feel like i need an excuse to feel miserable about myself...

since last update: hair colour is fucking ace, but I got it cut too short. its more managable but for the last week it wont do shit

I want the lengths back to that picure on my profile, maybe i need more fringe... the bastard things wont curl anymore and its flat and crap.
Plus my eyes seem to be too fucked up to wear normal contacts, hopefully that'll be sorted.
then girls tell me "oh, glasses are hot". fucking thanks, where were you during school?

odd how things repeat themselves... "Oh youre amazing, but I dont want people to know Im with you"

My journals are depressing. Here's a fresh one...






gonna dye all my hair a bright red and get contacts tomorow, hurrah

Sin city is amazing. Almost as good as pulp fiction.

Indescribable.

edit: I can describe it... this is what i put on myspace...

sin city is fucking awesome. it instantly gets a place in my movie top10 (whatever the list is)

very close to topping pulp fiction. the action never stopped, it had tons of style, interlinked story (tarrantino-esque), sub plots, imagery, tons of metaphor, and boobies

im like, the last person who'd get turned on by women in fishnets with guns, but.... yayness

see this film. SEEEEE IITTT



plus lucille (mickey roukes parole officer) is absolutely gorgeuous <3... she was in snake eyes (yum) and michael flarity (michael j fox)'s girlfriend in the first couple of seasons of spin city.



jessica alba ishot, but not in this. she needs black hair & curls again.

fuck the pretty people though, see this film for the story & imagery

argh I am so fucked up. I can never find anyone I like but when I do I go absolutely nuts over them and seriously fuck everything up by being completley obsessive. It happens over and over again.

She wanted to see me this weekend, I tried to arrange something but she never got back to me. I ended up calling her, she didnt answer. She gives me an excuse which I dont know whether to believe and I completley lose it, make her feel awful, then try and take everything back without her replying to me making me seem more and more desperate to a ridiculous point. I cant see how she can see me as anything more than a psycho, but why does she still want to see me. I dont know what to think, and whenever I try and make things better I end up looking like some desperate pathetic thing.

She doesnt need someone like me, she wants someone more stable, and she is way out of my league, but she keeps coming back so I dont know what to think. Ive been messed about so much in the past I cant help but think shes just messing me around too, but she seems so different

But she keeps letting me down and it hurts more and more. But the more I talk to her the more I fall for her and forgive her. But I cant do anything until I hear from her and actually find out what she thinks.

This has been going on for so long, and we've missed tons of things we could have done together, her birthday, my birthday, snow, her competitions, gigs, weekends alone. I dont want to miss the summer too, but if this doesnt happen too she wont have the time for me and it will never happen, whether or not she wants it to

Everyone tells me to leave it and move on, but I cant abandon her if she still needs me. She's too good to give up on and let go

As per usual, everything flips around. Im having to be the strong one for my housemate & best friend who's going through a lot of pain. Ive never seen her cry before. I guess I kinda forgot Im not the only one who can get frustrated and upset when you cant figure out what someone else is thinking. Im just used to seeing everyone (and I mean, literaly everyone, work, home, friends etc) being in a happy couple.

As soon as I am distracted though, along came the chance to move things along to the next step with the girl Im chasing, but Im too distracted looking after someone I really care about and make a big mistake. Shes being grown up about it, but I think Ive hurt her. Just hope she understood I was trying to be honest and not hurting her on purpose. But she needs looking after too. If she had let me into her life earlier then I could help, but I can only cuddle one person at a time.


I love you both. You are the only 2 important people in my life.


other misc things going on right now....
+ work, good
+ hair, needs cutting I want to grow it longer, but I cant control it. Im curious, but need to simplify things... (my hair is a metaphor?)
+ birthday, sunday... if it falls apart Im going to be very miserable :S
+ NHS, sucks. I am in agony, my career could easily be fucked if I dont get sorted. Im 21 (almost 22) ffs, hard work & dedication in life only leads to getting screwed over. (though I think that isnt limited to the work context...). I went into A&E and was told they wouldnt even look at me. instead i have to find a GP (no-one accepts new patients) and book an appointment which could take weeks. By then tendans and muscles could easily break.


grr things arent going well, but for once Ive got to be strong for someone else. maybe I need to focus on helping her and forget about my future for a while

fuck I'm miserable. This comes and goes all the time lately. One minute I'm on top of the world, then something happens, a quick talk with someone or something and boom, everything gets back to me again.

I love spending time with my few friends that I have, but they're just not into all the things I am. I want to go out, get drunk and meet new people, but I just can't do it alone. I spent a long time alone when I moved here and was fine with it, but something (read: someone) changed all that and now I can't stand to be alone. It brings out all these feelings that people dont understand me, no-one thinks like I do and I dont have anyone to bounce ideas off or say the things I really think (not that I can't say what i think to my friends) but they won't get me.

I want to make a change and meet new people who I can enjoy everything with, but I need somewhere to start and I just feel trapped and stuck where I am. Im close with my housemate and I can talk to her. But lately she's been away for days at a time a lot with her bf's. This itself doesnt bother me, but shes usually here for me (even before she moved in) and open to going to the gigs and listening to the live music I'm into. The very last thing I want to do is become bitter towards her. So I need to vent somewhere...

I just need to find a way to get out of this cycle. Moving a long way away on my own was the best thing I ever did. But I've wasted a lot of my time in the past few years and it's really catching up to me. I was happy being ignorant and alone, but now I can't live without the affection. I can't keep a relationship together, anyone who is really interested in me I can't fall for and I chase after the unrealistic goals and don't get anywhere.

On the plus side, I've managed to wrangle together a few friends from the past, and my few friends around here for a good drunken weekend on my birthday, but once a year? I need more than that.

I need excitement and something new... but where can I find it... and how do I get there on my own?

Yay for random tattoos!

the smiley is pen, I can fill it in as I feel that day

I can't remember the main reason I got this, I think it was so I could have "I am 22 today" on my body for my birthday.
But I love it and I'm going to keep expanding it up my arm until I'm happy