Dad has a brain tumor. That's all I know.

Interview went well. Think I've pretty much got it in the bag. Pay isn't spectacular, but it's pay. Benefits, on the other hand, seem pretty great. We'll see if I get an offer.

I will drink no green pissy beer today. Not on my my watch. Ok, maybe five.

Second interview tomorrow! Woot!

The head HR gentleman said they were impressed during the first round and wanted to see me again. I knew it went fairly well; I wasn't nervous, I wasn't awkard, and I wasn't stuttering and fluttery like I can get. I didn't even get the pre-interview shakes and bubbleguts like I used to. I think those are all good symptoms of my last year of personal growth and development.

If only I could date like I could interview, I'd be a lot more popular!

So the job interview seemed to go fairly well. Basically all they make there is margarine, shortening, and such for large distribution. So it's a fairly small, but high volume facility. I would be a QA tech, but also involved with production, which is just fine with me. Also it's a 4 day, 10 hour shift situation which is pretty sweet. Plus no seasonal rush like the veggie processor. Seems I have to meet and be approved by the Plant Mananger next, which is standard protocol. That should be next week. No talk of pay yet, but I made my needs clear on the application and I plan on standing my ground. No getting undersold like I have in the past. I'm the shit and I know it.

The bad news is it's near a popeyes chicken. Damn, I'm gonna gain weight again.

Beard gone! And I look a little insane. and double chin-y.

Why is it gone? Because I finally got a damn job interview. Thus the the need to clean up. We'll see how it goes tomorrow, but if the pay is right it could be a good spot, halfway between corvallis and portland. So I could feasibly move up north without being an unreasonable distance away from work. We'll see what happens tomorrow.

Weizenbock is in the fermenter and soon to be farting away. Other than that life is ok I suppose. Going to throw a battery in my old 66 beetle this week and see about getting it listed for sale. Probably put around in it in the meantime, pulling the ole "fat guy little car" stunt.

It's crazy how fast life can make a change and send you in a new direction. It seems like just yesterday I was making a plan to move to Los Angeles. That would have been a mistake. I might have been happy because of who I was with, but ultimately it wouldn't be the place for me. Because Oregon is where I belong. I've moved around a lot and tried to find a place where I could hang my hat. A place that made me comfortable, a place where I enjoyed being, and a place where I can find a group I can fit into. And it's all here. I may be moving around within the state, but I don't imagine ever leaving for another state. It feels good to belong somewhere.

Tunes, Music, What-have-you

So I pretty much have the rent scraped together. They don't ever cash the check until the 12th of the month, usually, so this weeks unemployment check will get me over the mark. Everything else is up in the air though. I went to the social services department today and they aren't willing to give me any assistance because I'm single and I don't have a kid. I gotta say I'm really miffed that I can't get a lick of help from a system I've been paying into for almost twenty years. The utilities program (heating and electricity) won't even interview me until the 11th of next month, so I'm going to just have to call them and let them know my situation and maybe arrange something with them.

At least the food stamps are fairly generous. I get about 360 bucks a month on that. And coming from a poor background I can make that shit lassssst. And it helps that I'm a bit of a food hoarder as well. I saw the bad times a comin' and when I had money I stocked the larders deeper than usual. But at least it's hard to gain weight this way.

I've sent out so many resumes since I was laid off it's sickening. And how many responses have I got? One. And it was a scammer. It's so frustrating I want to scream. I have a degree and a solid job history with excellent references but I can't even get a foot in the door anywhere. Not even flipping burgers or scrubbing toilets and I'm not above doing either, or both. That's how bad the job market is here in Corvallis.

Other than all that I guess I can't complain. I have my health and a roof over my head. Plenty of people don't have that.

I just found out that the savings I thought I could access are unaccessable. Which is really, really bad considering I'm unemployed and what I am drawing in assistance isn't enough to even pay rent let alone gas and electric. I just ran down to DHS real quick and applied for Temporary Assitance for Needy Families, but basically they said because I'm single and don't have a child I'm going to get rejected. So my rent check is going to bounce. Hopefully my landlord is understanding enough to not evict me right away. I really don't know what to do now. My ability to make it until work starts again has completely unraveled. All this in the course of the last hour. I'm trying really hard to not have a panic attack, but it's not gonna work.

I am sincerely fucked and there's nothing I can do about it at all. I usually can figure my way out of things, but this I can't. I don't have anywhere to turn. Not good. Not good.

So I've been working on things about myself a lot this last year. Getting my shit together and figuring out why I'm the cause of my own problems. There is one thing that hovers all over all other things.

I need to quit being a Nice Guy.

No, not stop being nice. I am a nice guy, I always will be, and I like that; there are a shortage of nice guys around this world. I'm going to stop being a Nice Guy. Stop appeasing everyone all the time and going to enormous lengths to do it even if it puts me at disadvantages and spreads my resources thin. Stop putting other's feelings, needs, and time over my own in an effort to assure people "like" me. But not in any way that makes me not a nice guy, just in ways that exercise my self-respect, to myself and to others.

What I really mean is I'm going to work on understanding that I can't please all people all the time, and efforts to do so can make me look foolish or needy. Sometimes it's ok to say no to people when I truly am not in a position to lend myself in whatever way is required. And that's totally ok.

And more than anything I'm learning it's ok to get angry. No, not the kind of unhinged, unfounded table-flipping angry that insecure alpha male dickheads exhibit when juiced up on Pabst at the local watering hole. I mean the kind of everyday anger that occurs from minor slights or incidents during interactions with people. The kind that should be expressed to others if and when it occurs; hell, angry may even be too strong a word. In the past I've just swallowed that feeling, made a bitter pill and let it stew in me. Constantly doing that not only has made me a rug in the past, it's made me appear that way to others in day to day interactions. It's ok to be upset with people and it's ok to let them know. It's not about disrespecting anyone else, it's about not disrespecting yourself. This ties directly into that whole "pleasing people all the time" thing I was talking about.

I think simply being aware of this behavior is enough to start changing it. Self-realization is what it's all about. And the more I seem to find it, the better I feel about myself. I think for the first time I'm starting to have self confidence. I dig it. And I'm going to keep working towards it.

And I'm going to keep being a nice guy. Just not a Nice Guy.