Since my roomie got work I'm working on getting myself out of debt that has accumulated since being unemployed. It's looking like it'll take all of this month and a little more, but on the positive side after that all the cash he gives me will be gravy. And at 800 bucks a month that means I'll be able to take a vacation for real soon. I'm shooting for around Halloween since it's my favorite time of year. I'm still definitely aiming at LA since there's a ton of people there that are cool and I'd like to meet. I'd take some time and drive down and hit up all the kids on the way, but no vacation time until next year. Dragggggg.
Over this last year I've been working on valuing myself more. I've had a lot of problems with self-worth over the years, but I'm working on opening my eyes and as I have I'm seeing that I have a lot to offer. I'm working on concentrating on those traits rather than the negatives about myself, be it my weight, my anxiety, or my complete lack of luck in relationships. That being said I've had to remove a few people from my life that fed my anxiety and low self-esteem. Both behaved the same way towards me; stating that they had love for me and cared for me but did nothing to demonstrate those emotions when all I really need in life are those demonstrations. Saying one thing, doing another simply put. I can't handle that sort of thing. It makes me feel shitty about myself and feeds the negative in me. And I don't need that. I feel bad and hurt that I've lost people, but that's just how it has to be if you want into my life.
But though it may hurt to excise people it's been good for myself. No more stewing on the how's and why's of people's behavior towards me, more thoughts on myself and building the good parts of my personality to new levels. My only regret is that it's taken this long to get to this point. Life could have been a lot different for me at this point if I'd learned my lessons early.
But that's life. And as for mine right now it's ok. I wish for more but have what I need to be content.
Take care.
Over this last year I've been working on valuing myself more. I've had a lot of problems with self-worth over the years, but I'm working on opening my eyes and as I have I'm seeing that I have a lot to offer. I'm working on concentrating on those traits rather than the negatives about myself, be it my weight, my anxiety, or my complete lack of luck in relationships. That being said I've had to remove a few people from my life that fed my anxiety and low self-esteem. Both behaved the same way towards me; stating that they had love for me and cared for me but did nothing to demonstrate those emotions when all I really need in life are those demonstrations. Saying one thing, doing another simply put. I can't handle that sort of thing. It makes me feel shitty about myself and feeds the negative in me. And I don't need that. I feel bad and hurt that I've lost people, but that's just how it has to be if you want into my life.
But though it may hurt to excise people it's been good for myself. No more stewing on the how's and why's of people's behavior towards me, more thoughts on myself and building the good parts of my personality to new levels. My only regret is that it's taken this long to get to this point. Life could have been a lot different for me at this point if I'd learned my lessons early.
But that's life. And as for mine right now it's ok. I wish for more but have what I need to be content.
Take care.
Thanks much for all the birthday wishes everybody!
It's been a long year since my last one. I decided to take another stab at life without help and took myself off of Prozac earlier in the year. For the most part I'm dealing well with anxiety without it. I think a lot of my progress in anxiety has been due to self-discovery and not from medical assistance. Awareness itself has been like a cure on it's own. At times when I feel myself losing to anxiety I'm more able to recognize the event and the cause and then to deal with it appropriately.
There are some symptoms I wrestle with endlessly and may simply not be able to defeat on my own. Foremost is rumination. Rumination is an irrational and sometimes obsessive tendency towards reflection on the negative aspects of the past. For me it's relationships, failings, and a lot of "what if I had done this instead of this" type stuff. It's pointless and self-destructive, but still a difficult behavior to avoid for me. Prozac helped a lot with this in a very positive way, and the one reason I really am considering utilizing it again.
Life is a bit of a standstill right now. No luck with the ladies, but at least I have a stable job and my bum roommate does as well. Having money free now to do things could be good in getting out and socializing. And by "socializing" I mean "get a woman to touch my penis". I'd settle for new friends though.
Vacation is a must. By hook or by crook I'm gonna get away for at least a three day weekend. I'm planning on In-N-Out and Magic Mountain. Booya.
I'm listening to The Cure, smoking pot, and making lasagna. Fuck year, baller status.
It's been a long year since my last one. I decided to take another stab at life without help and took myself off of Prozac earlier in the year. For the most part I'm dealing well with anxiety without it. I think a lot of my progress in anxiety has been due to self-discovery and not from medical assistance. Awareness itself has been like a cure on it's own. At times when I feel myself losing to anxiety I'm more able to recognize the event and the cause and then to deal with it appropriately.
There are some symptoms I wrestle with endlessly and may simply not be able to defeat on my own. Foremost is rumination. Rumination is an irrational and sometimes obsessive tendency towards reflection on the negative aspects of the past. For me it's relationships, failings, and a lot of "what if I had done this instead of this" type stuff. It's pointless and self-destructive, but still a difficult behavior to avoid for me. Prozac helped a lot with this in a very positive way, and the one reason I really am considering utilizing it again.
Life is a bit of a standstill right now. No luck with the ladies, but at least I have a stable job and my bum roommate does as well. Having money free now to do things could be good in getting out and socializing. And by "socializing" I mean "get a woman to touch my penis". I'd settle for new friends though.
Vacation is a must. By hook or by crook I'm gonna get away for at least a three day weekend. I'm planning on In-N-Out and Magic Mountain. Booya.
I'm listening to The Cure, smoking pot, and making lasagna. Fuck year, baller status.
I need a vacation badly. I've gone on trips in the last five years, but visiting family isn't what I'd call a relaxing time. I need to just pack my bags and take a three day weekend and go somewhere I've never been. I think I'm going to get my second car sold and use a little money to do just that. I'm thinking most likely LA. I've never been and was actually planning to go fall before last, but I canceled because my flake of an ex made up some story about how she had to go to Vegas that weekend and wouldn't be in town. And while that was my main motivation for the trip I was also wanting to meet all the SG kids down that direction.
And I think it would be a good step in my anxiety treatment to take a trip like that by myself. New people and new places all together would make for a good test in regards to my progress. Frankly a notion like this in the past was way beyond my comfort level; something I'd never be able to do. But things are different for me now and I want such a challenge rather than wanting to avoid it.
Hopefully I'll be able to scrape together the funds and find some folks who might be interested in showing me the sights. It's all just an idea for now though. We'll see.
And I think it would be a good step in my anxiety treatment to take a trip like that by myself. New people and new places all together would make for a good test in regards to my progress. Frankly a notion like this in the past was way beyond my comfort level; something I'd never be able to do. But things are different for me now and I want such a challenge rather than wanting to avoid it.
Hopefully I'll be able to scrape together the funds and find some folks who might be interested in showing me the sights. It's all just an idea for now though. We'll see.
I wish I could write for a living. God that'd be the bee's knees. It's one of the few things I know I do at least fairly well. I'm sure I wouldn't ever get rich doing it, but if I could pay the bills with it I would. Fiction, non-fiction, comedy, or maybe a little of all three? I don't know, but I do know I have some really good ideas floating around up in the ole dome.
Got hit on by a pretty woman, wussed out. Engaged only a bit when all signs pointed to a green light. Seriously, I need to work on my apprehension towards the opposite sex. I'm not sure where it comes from entirely and why. I can deal just fine in encounters and experiences that are strictly platonic, but it seems that when the possibility of romance and whatnot rears it's head I fumble, fail, and sometimes outright bolt.
But why? That's the big question.
I'm leaning towards the thought that it's a function of my anxiety, and more specifically how it relates to the unknown. New people and the encounters that come with them leads to uncomfortable feelings in me, to uncertainty, and to the worry and nervousness that comes from all that; an all encompassing feeling of inadequacy. Now throw intimacy into that mix and all those mushy grey feelings are turned up by a factor of ten. This creates avoidant behavior in me, so I don't put myself out there as I should. I fully understand these base emotions are normal and healthy in slight amounts, but not at the levels I experience them.
The more I can come to understand this in the moment, instead of after the fact, the more I should be able to combat it. To just breathe, relax, and turn down all those emotions to tolerable and manageable levels. Situations such as these don't occur often, but perhaps the next time I will be able to manage. And if not there will always be a next time again.
But why? That's the big question.
I'm leaning towards the thought that it's a function of my anxiety, and more specifically how it relates to the unknown. New people and the encounters that come with them leads to uncomfortable feelings in me, to uncertainty, and to the worry and nervousness that comes from all that; an all encompassing feeling of inadequacy. Now throw intimacy into that mix and all those mushy grey feelings are turned up by a factor of ten. This creates avoidant behavior in me, so I don't put myself out there as I should. I fully understand these base emotions are normal and healthy in slight amounts, but not at the levels I experience them.
The more I can come to understand this in the moment, instead of after the fact, the more I should be able to combat it. To just breathe, relax, and turn down all those emotions to tolerable and manageable levels. Situations such as these don't occur often, but perhaps the next time I will be able to manage. And if not there will always be a next time again.
So I've been trying a new things in life. First and foremost, getting out of the house more. 99.9% of the time that means doing things alone, but that's just how my life is as I don't know anyone here and don't know how to change that. The more I stew on loneliness, lack of friends, and lack of happiness because of it, the more it'll bring me down. And to be honest I am getting pretty down and backsliding a lot in escaping anxiety and depression. So I'm thinking I should learn to do more things solo that I'd like to doing with other people.
That being said I've taken to getting out and about for basic things. Just the other morning I went out and had breakfast by myself at a restaurant, then went for a walk downtown, and sat awhile in a coffee shop and just watched people go by. I'm not really sure if such exercises will help or not, but at this point I'm willing to try change; what I have been doing is obviously not working. And perhaps with time I'll learn to be happy alone. Then maybe I can find someone else to be happy with, even if it's just friends. I hope so, because I'm kinda scared that I might live the rest of my days this way.
Work is work. I enjoy the tasks I preform, and the coworkers I share my space with, but I really kinda hate my boss. He's just...ugh. He shifts blame for his mistakes to me, micro-manages every move I make, and generally does everything he can to show that he's "The Boss" and I'm his insubordinate. And when he doesn't have anything to complain about in my performance he'll find something. Just today it was my sideburns. Really? It was pretty much just like this. But at least I have a job and I'm not homeless, even if some days I'd really rather be begging for change or blowing some guy behind Arby's for a roast beef deluxe.
I just have to remind myself it's a stepping stone to somewhere better. Or at least I hope it is.
That being said I've taken to getting out and about for basic things. Just the other morning I went out and had breakfast by myself at a restaurant, then went for a walk downtown, and sat awhile in a coffee shop and just watched people go by. I'm not really sure if such exercises will help or not, but at this point I'm willing to try change; what I have been doing is obviously not working. And perhaps with time I'll learn to be happy alone. Then maybe I can find someone else to be happy with, even if it's just friends. I hope so, because I'm kinda scared that I might live the rest of my days this way.
Work is work. I enjoy the tasks I preform, and the coworkers I share my space with, but I really kinda hate my boss. He's just...ugh. He shifts blame for his mistakes to me, micro-manages every move I make, and generally does everything he can to show that he's "The Boss" and I'm his insubordinate. And when he doesn't have anything to complain about in my performance he'll find something. Just today it was my sideburns. Really? It was pretty much just like this. But at least I have a job and I'm not homeless, even if some days I'd really rather be begging for change or blowing some guy behind Arby's for a roast beef deluxe.
I just have to remind myself it's a stepping stone to somewhere better. Or at least I hope it is.
So I took some ribbons at the 30th Annual Oregon Homebrew Festival yesterday. Second place for my Weizenbock in the Wheat Beer category and Third in Open Meads for a apple pear mead I made for Hopey. I'd earned some minor awards in the past, but never took any medals in a major event, so it was a nice surprise.
The best thing was I named the weizen Frau Blucher. The horse noises from the crowd upon announcement was priceless.
Life has sort of downshifted into lather, rinse, repeat. Pretty much just working all week and moping about on the weekends. I need to find things to do to fill my free time, when I have it, so I don't slip back into permanent mope mode.
Step one will be getting my ass back to a gym. It's been a long time since I went and I can feel the time. Frankly I just sort of gave up on it some time ago. I don't know if I lost interest, inspiration, or something else. I think it's been a bit of all three. I took the end of things between the ex and me pretty hard and much to much to heart. Too much blaming myself and putting myself down which led to a "who cares anyway" kind of attitude. That's the old way of me and I've got to get back to forward process instead of this static state I've been in. I just need to break friction and get the ball rolling again. Wallowing over such nonsense is just silly and I'm better than that. Much better in fact. And once back in that rut it only gets deeper and harder to get out of. Time to wipe and get off the pot!
Still no love life at all. Mostly because I still don't have any sort of real social life or way to meet new people. And I don't really know where to go or what to do to change that. I never really learned socialization with strangers and trying to pick that up this late in life is really challenging. I'd go out and do more things, but I'm not sure what to do. And when I do I end up keeping to myself like always. That last bit of social anxiety keeps hanging on and keeps me alone. Perhaps I'll overcome it, perhaps I won't. I hope for the former as the latter could make for a lonely life. I'm taking steps to overcome, they're just really small ones. Not always forward, but at least I'm moving.
No one climbs a slippery slope without a slip or two. That being said I'm gonna go judge some beers and see if I can't get some social practice. Peace, love, and gravy.
Step one will be getting my ass back to a gym. It's been a long time since I went and I can feel the time. Frankly I just sort of gave up on it some time ago. I don't know if I lost interest, inspiration, or something else. I think it's been a bit of all three. I took the end of things between the ex and me pretty hard and much to much to heart. Too much blaming myself and putting myself down which led to a "who cares anyway" kind of attitude. That's the old way of me and I've got to get back to forward process instead of this static state I've been in. I just need to break friction and get the ball rolling again. Wallowing over such nonsense is just silly and I'm better than that. Much better in fact. And once back in that rut it only gets deeper and harder to get out of. Time to wipe and get off the pot!
Still no love life at all. Mostly because I still don't have any sort of real social life or way to meet new people. And I don't really know where to go or what to do to change that. I never really learned socialization with strangers and trying to pick that up this late in life is really challenging. I'd go out and do more things, but I'm not sure what to do. And when I do I end up keeping to myself like always. That last bit of social anxiety keeps hanging on and keeps me alone. Perhaps I'll overcome it, perhaps I won't. I hope for the former as the latter could make for a lonely life. I'm taking steps to overcome, they're just really small ones. Not always forward, but at least I'm moving.
No one climbs a slippery slope without a slip or two. That being said I'm gonna go judge some beers and see if I can't get some social practice. Peace, love, and gravy.
So the old man had brain surgery on Thursday, was out of intensive care on Friday, and got released from hospital today. That's fast!
