More and more I am starting to realise that my trip won't be the only thing I'll have to do on my own. I am nobody's wife and I will have to settle in that role if I don't want to go crazy. My exboyfriend chose his friends over me, and all my other friends choose their lovers over me. So, in the end, I am always on my own.
Love it Gwen, learn to love it. Learn to walk home alone and don't feel like shit.
I really think I am kind of awesome. Kind of. Most people take me for granted though.

Bali, I can't wait. I want to leave Babylon so bad.
Come back in the summer, visit festivals full of bass, vibes, and love, and fall in love, with myself first.

I am getting so sensible these days, so rational. But I will fight it with every inch of my being. I don't want to grow up. Yet. Ever.
I want to enjoy every moment.

So I booked a little trip to Bali...ihihihihi

Once you have lost all sense of self discipline, how do you get it back?
Every time I think of some bad habits I want to change and promise myself I'll do better the next day, the next week, the next time, and then in the end I just don't want to put in the effort and I empty that bag of candy, smoke that joint and postpone that visit to the gym,
I am at a point where I am almost convinced that I can't do it anymore.
Ofcourse, I have a lot lot on my mind, still some work left on my BA, applied for a MA, have to apply for a job in theatre education, will start a sowing course next week, am going forward and backward between a little bit heartbroken and a lot. I do so well, but I have to get rid of a few of those bad habits that are getting a tad out of hand now and I am just a weak little bitch.

Something wicked this way comes




Baha.. I look horrible in this one, but I still love it. Queen of the speakers you know!

Charade.

Skurvee's tattoo history

I have an insanely good idea for a new tattoo. Would like to make the peony rose in the inside of my left upper arm into a big ass colorfull new school half, bording on 3/4, sleeve by adding a peacock in a particular way. I so hope the guy who did the rose will have some time left before summer kicks in. Otherwise it's fine too, then I'll start on some smaller projects,
It's funny that so many tattoos I have wanted for years will probably not be realised anymore because of a shift in taste. Even though I know that if I had gotten them, I would still be happy with them, because they would have represented a period in my life.
When I was 17, going on 18, I wanted nautical stars on my hips. I wanted a huge old school piece on my lower back with 3 big roses and 2 little peacocks and a diamond in the heart of the center rose.
Then I got an old school rose on my foot when I was 22. I made the decision to get it over 2 weeks when I broke up with, who I thought was, the love of my life. I have never regretted it and it still is my favourite tattoo. I was supposed to get both done though, but never embarked on the second.
A few years ago I set my mind on a new school sleeve with the deitie Ganesha in his dancing position on the outside and the Virgin Mary (inspired by a particular Renaissance painting) on the inside of my arm. I wanted a lotus on the outside and roses on the inside to end the sleeve. I still love this idea and I still want both things on my body. Right now though, I think it would seem to make a too big statement about religion for me. I am very interested in the stories of Christianity and hinduism and this would represent my love for that. But now I think it would be too much in your face if I got this sleeve. It's not even about being afraid of reactions; it's more about not wanting to provoke reactions. Does that make sense? I am now thinking about putting one of these symbols on my back, or on my calves (pain). That makes sense because here in Holland it's bloody cold and bare backs and calves are sadly only to be seen a few weeks a year,
So last year I wanted to start this sleeve but I got the opportunity to get a tattoo by Markus @ Lux Altera. A tattoo artist I have always admired but with a huge hourly rate and a waiting list of over a year I never dreamed of the possibility to get something done. A huge peony rose was born on the inside of my left upper arm. Also, I don't regret this decision. I do regret that it didn't come out as perfect as I intended this one to be. There are some shadows and lines too harsh in my opinion that I still need to go back for and sort out. I still trust this artist enough to discuss my sleeve idea. I will make sure the lines will be thinner and sharper and the shadows will be less out there. I think, incorporated in the sleeve I want, I will be 100 % happy with the rose.
I have also, for about 5 years now, wanted to get some text on my body. Probably lyrics. I have wanted to get a Sublime quote "look at all the love we found" around my hip, but I didn't want to get it before I was happy enough. Sadly, that is why it is still not there. I still think one day I will get it, happy or not, but maybe by that time I will have come up with another line or lines.
For now, my other wish is an owl. I have seen this is very fashionable now (birds in general are) but I would like it as a crown at my work at university, thus, to get it when I have my BA diploma. Getting that (no, I am not there yet) has been a true quest for me the last 6 years and needs to be concluded in a few ways. With a party with insane amounts of booze and drugs, with a trip to a city with a lot of old culture, and with a tattoo of an owl.
I am looking forward to beginning with these two projects. Because if I wait too long, other dreams will have been born in my head. And if that happens, that is fine by me too, that is what life is all about. It truly is what happens while you are busy making other plans.

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