there is a dark cloud.....

I'm writing this first in my new Journal , sitting in a train that stops in every town before it hit's Philadelphia and then to NYC. For the last ten years of my adult life I lived in a town that was sucking the life out of me.

I finally had a enough of these blood suckers here. No body is perfect including myself. snort.. I'm far from it. But People here need to realize that there is so much out there then this town.

No one called me to say bye or even saw me. My great friends, I love them so much but in the end I was holding it all together, time to let go Heather. I think to myself.

**I need a smoke... I should have had one before the train left a last smoke in Pa maybe in phili I will do this**

Actually to be fair my dear friend Brian did try to see me, he text me and told me No matter how I think of this town there's always a place for me here that no one can fill and he was glad to meet me

Now that was very nice.

I like to think that if I look behind the train theirs a cloud of darkness covering this town. I like to think that maybe a mad Person is doing things to the drinking water and that's why all these people are in this one town think they are so Righteous.

This Place makes me want to scream and rip my hair out. How Can you be so Righteous when you guys are the biggest Joke, other area's make jokes about your great love of having sex with animals, your backwater hicks.....

People here just can't look into them selves Judgmental about everyone. And I had enough

My Best friend forgot I was leaving she had a stressful day she said...I told her I was sorry and she said she would call me in a couple hours...

lol she never did, I called her out on it and again she said she was sorry but she got drunk and she was haning out with her ex.

I think my views on friendship are different then the people here... i think it was for the best that I left.

A new start

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Old Journal June 6,

June 6,

It's been days maybe since I slept. I refuse to sleep. I'm all sad and lonely and there's nothing in me that can make me happy. I hate trains.. I am so weak right now I crave some drugs.I'm afraid that if i do sleep I won't be able to resist death.

The craving is like metal claws. razor metal claws, it was starting slowly in my belly deep in my belly and now it consumes me like a heat a hot firey heat, but i'm so cold.

I need human contact

it will help take my mind off of my hunger, why did I agree to do this on my own? Because I'm strong Fuck that...

I keep twisting my toes and fingers together but the urges won't go away, i keep smiling at people because they are staring at me, my lips plastered against my teeth my cheeks are raw.

I feel like i'm going to get sick my stomach is doing the flip flopping thing... Just wait to I get off the train Please... that's all I ask don't make me get sick in front of all these people.

Listen to me beg to a god I don't believe in, how pathetic I turned out to be.