I don't know if I have ever told any of you, that I really hate Doctors. I have this great hatred toward them since as long as I could remember. I even hate nurses with there needles and heavy hands. Needles don't bother me it's the whole digging in my arm that I hate. I've kicked and hit nurses in their process of drawing blood from me, where they had to strap me down.

So I sat in the office with my paper gown on and waited for the doctor to come in and start the ultrasound. Are doctors offices so cheap that they have paper gowns now? I could have just left my shirt on and had a sheet covering my lower self.

Okay I'm getting off track here, sorry.....

Lets speed it up a little bit and talk about what I heard ... you know what I'm telling you here right, Yes... that's right a heart beat a strong kick ass heart beat that was not from me!!! my baby is still a live !!!!

I laid there confused... how can this be I was so sure of this that I lost the babe, Then my thoughts went of last night and I smoked like a addict and had some drinks that left me breathless and giggling I was it drunk but I was pretty damn close. How was this going to effect the baby.... Damit I was starting the mourning process...

SO WHY WAS I BLEEDING

because hormone levels go up and down because sometimes the liner of my uterus just let goes and comes out ..... he seemed unconcern really with it all, He also explained that at times a egg that is Fertilized won't drop when it should so implantation to the Uterus is later then normal so they think the sack is it developing as it should be......

Okay what ? I'm not new to motherhood I have had a child and other pregnancies ( though they ended in miscarries) He's words were to me " Some times things just happen, for no reason, they just happen" he ended it with a shrug , yup a shrug .

So I rush home and went on line and there's 100's of women like me that had this same thing, women who didn't know for weeks that they were still pregnant !!!!!

So Now what am I going to do ?

Well I'm Keeping the baby, and for Sperm donor.. well I'm not going to talk to him ever, I don't even want to see his face, I have another chance here, I've given him way to many and he was nothing but a disappointment...... I'm not telling him because he left me at the bar..... I can't have someone like that in my life or in my child's life.... To be that unfeeling to something that is half yours.... To not have any emotion there are people threw out time who had this ... they are called Psyco's killers and murders .

So know I'm really alone and that's okay...