Amorphous feeling of isolation
time without meaning
and meaning without time
a nighttime filled with keening.

Insidious feeling of rejection
Repulsive! Freak! Vile!
Cucoon of non-feeling
without class, without style

Rapacious feeling of hunger
paint the full moon red
Pain, rejection, fear, blood...
is it all just in my head?

It's not like anyone reads this, but I'm gonna update it anyway.
After all, my last post makes me look like a raving chauvanist in need of a swift kick in the shitter. So here's the skinny. I have a digicam now. I don't know the quality of the pics it takes, but I'm gonna find out. And if they're good, I might even post some on my deviantart site.
Noth that anyone looks at that either *sigh*
But since it was big photography like news, I felt I should post it here.
Now I'm going to go play fetch with my cat.

Nice guys always finish last. So fuck it, it's time to be an ass hole. It's time to stop caring if I hurt someone. It's time to start treating women like bitches and toys.
After all, that's what you fuckin want, isn't it? Why the fuck else would ass holes and dicks get into and stay in relationships with beautiful women? You'd think the very concept that an unreliable ass hole would be a preferable choice to a considerate caring man would be ludicrous. But you'd be dead wrong.
I mean God Damn!
So fuck it all, I just don't care any more. I won't ever be worth anything being how I want to be. So it's time to change and be how my appearance suggests I must be. Maybe then someone will care. Simply because I will be a person that shouldn't be cared about. Is it a turn on to be emotionally abused?
It never was for me.
I hate my life.

Graaah... I don't know what to do with myself. So I'm gonna vent here where I can be honest, since no one reads it.

First a little background.
I'm single. It happens to me a lot. No one wants to put up with me, I guess I'm either ugly or just that socially inept. But whatever the cause, I am without significant other. So one of my coworkers and I sorta got together for the sole purpose of being "fuck-buddies" Friends-with-benefits, or whatever that's supposed to be. Sex with no strings attached as it were.
Which brings us to my point now.
I can't do it anymore. It's sex, and while my body wants that, craves that, and could use that, I don't want it. Well, let's not say I don't want it... more like I don't want it like that. I don't want sex with no strings attached. I want all the strings. I want a relationship. I want to be tied down, exclusive, someone's special person.
Not a toy to be used and discarded.
I feel used up and empty inside right now. Guilty and stricken. So I have to stop this quasi-relationship.... but I don't know how.
Can't I just be fucking wanted?
What's wrong with that?

=IF(AND(stimuli1="One rainy afternoon to wake up to",
stimuli2="One evening of uber depressing music",
stimuli3="One night of hateful work ahead",
stimuli4="Blood on the mind",
stimuli5="Empty solitude"), "Fucked Up Super Angsty Eye Gouging Blood Screaming Depresso Attack","")

So I'm taking a break from my girlfriend.
That's right, I'm putting Soul Calibur 3 down for a sum total of three whole days. One for each of the things I broke in my last attempt at playing.
The leg to my coffee table.
My big toe.
The knuckle of my pinkie finger on my left hand.
You could say the game is aggravating. But by your understatement you would simply cause more aggravation.
Damn you Soul Calibur 3!!!
I love you...

In case anyone was curious, my previous post has an answer key. Spoiler alert for anyone trying to figure it out on their own:

Boa - Duvet - Boa
Stabbing Westward - How Can I Hold On - Darkest Days
Lacuna Coil - The Ghost Woman and the Hunter - Comalies
Slipknot - Vermillion - The Subliminal Verse pt 3
Cold - Cure My Tragedy - Year of the Spider
In Flames - Evil in a Closet - Soundtrack to Your Escape
Shinedown - Stranger Inside - Leave a Whisper
Revis - Spin - Places for Breathing
Rammstein - Sehnsucht - Sehnsucht
Rammstein - Du Riechst So Gut - Herzeleid
Orgy - Fiction (Dreams in Digital) - Vapor Transmission
Metallica - Bleeding Me - Load
Linkin Park - Numb - Meteora
Incubus - Mexico - The Morning View
Godsmack - Serenity - Faceless
Hoobastank - Crawling in the Dark - Hoobastank
Godhead - The Hate in Me - Evolver
Gorillaz - Clint Eastwood - Gorillaz
Fuel - Hemorrhage (in my hands) - Something Like Human
Fuel - Falls on Me - Natural Selection
Flaw - Only the Strong - Through the Eyes
Finger Eleven - Suffocate - The Greyest of Blue Skies
Evanescense - Tourniquet - Fallen
Dave Matthews Band - Two Step - Crash
Crossfade - The Unknown - Crossfade
*sheepish look* I can't remember...
Breaking Benjamin - Rain - We Are Not Alone
Audioslave - Show Me How to Live - Audioslave
Adema - Giving In - Adema
A Perfect Circle - Passive - Emotive

And you don't seem to understand. How can I hold on, when there's nothing to hold on to? And why should I hold on, when there's nothing to hold on to? You're moving on we'll never be apart just drain my tears, I cry aloud. You're moving on, you'll never be a part of all my tears, I cry aloud. (She isn't real, I can't make her real.) Why don't you cure my tragedy? I wish that I could stay, I wish that I could be your evil in a closet. This day could be the worst one yet. Have you ever felt lost inside? So unloved within that you almost died? You're the hand that spins my revolver around when you push me away. Sehnsucht ist so grausam. Du riechst so gut... Do you wonder what it's like to live in a permanent imagination? Sleeping to escape reality. Caught under wheels, roll. I take the leash I'm bleeding me. Can't stop to save my soul, I take the leash that's leading me. I'm tired of being what you want me to be, feeling so faithless, lost under the surface. Every step that I take is another mistake to you. You only think about yourself. You better bend before I go... on the first train to Mexico... I need serenity, and a place that I can hide. I will dedicate and sacrifice everything for just a second's worth before my story's ending. I feel the hate in me awakening. It ain't happenin, I'm feelin glad, I got sunshine in a bag. I'm useless, but not for long. Leave life bleeding in my hands. Silently within, hands touching skin, shock breaks my disease and I can breathe. All of your weight all you dream falls on me. Inside, we all know, only the strong survive. But it's as if you seem to make a small effort, but you're bending my mind. When we collapse, for our weakened hands, die, fall together at once abandoned. I tried to kill the pain, but only broguht more. I lay down and I'm pouring crimson regret. I'm dying praying bleeding and screaming. Am I too lost to be saved? I came to you with best intentions. You drive me to distraction. Can you hear me? Can you see any part of me? Can you feel me? Can you bleed for me? Branch out from behind the pain. I don't have a past, I just have a chance. Rain rain go away, come again another day. All the world is waiting for the sun...
Show me how to live...
I'm giving into you...

One day I'll walk away and say, you FUCKING disapoint me.

Well I sit in front of my computer at oh dark thirty on a Thursday mornin. The fitful end of my last day off this week. Today I was able to game and hang out with friends, and all sorts of marvelous things.
And yet I still feel very alone. Perhaps it's because my roomate just took his fiance to bed and I'm sitting in the dark listening to them enjoy themselves in the other room, muffled only by a thin door, while I only have a cold empty room to adjourn to alone.
I feel like an ass hole begrudging someone their companionship. It's not as if I would be any happier if any of my friends were as lonely as I am. But if they were than maybe they would pay attention to me.
*self deprecating chuckle*
right.
Shut up james, you're just whining now. Stop wallowing in your self inflicted misery. I thought you were stronger than that. You need to sacrifice more to make up for your rampant selfishness.
Go to bed.

Congratulations... anyone foolish or bored enough to be scoping out this page is gonna get a little bit of poetry.
I created this poem in a fit of angst at work.
I dedicate it to all of my friends.
Who I can't offend by dedicating it here where they do not read.


Half remembered
amber coated
memories of better times.

Left in the sun
to color red
like falling autumn.

Tender like
a recent wound
to unexpecting touch.

Standing alone
three feet away
from the light you are in.

Cold and tired
in empty shivers
of frozen winter.

Why did you
leave me standing
outside of your spring?

My silent tears
freeze on my cheeks
as the warmth fades.


Now I'm going to go curl up in a ball and claw my eyes out.