I was flipping through my pages.
I came across my friend page.
It said "You have no friends"
I'm crushed.

Projects.... I have to go to the fabric store today and get prices on cottons and patterns to inform my mom so she can tell a person she knows who needs costumes made and they want me to do it o.O

I have to finish Lydia's dress for the Ren Faire so that she can make Colin drool in stunning brilliance.

I have to finish my own costume and my own sheaths for my seven blades I'm toting to the Faire.

I have to decide whether or not I'm gonna open myself up to commisions from my friends to indiscriminately make costumes for people.

I have to finish my Excel Spreadsheet so that we can finally get to the big game I've been waiting for.

I have to finish my picture of Archimonde the Destroyer so that I can submit it to Blizzard before everyone else submits their pictures of the Eradar due to the upcoming Expansion.

And all of this must be done post haste.

POST HASTE!!

Ah updates and stuff.
Where to begin?
Well... I turn now to love. Particularly the hate of love. Why hate love? What has love done to you? Done to me? Why love is not to blame, it is not because of love that I ruined my life. Nor is it because of love that I can't let go of the past. It's not because of love that I cannot have a stable relationship. Nor is it love's fault that I lie awake at night empty inside. Love isn't to blame for the demons behind my eyes. Love is not the perp who drives me farther and farther from sanity.
In truth it is the absence of love that does these things to me.
And because it is absent, so I hate it.
When a man puts his arm around a woman, sharing no words but the comfort of silence together. When a woman gasps his name against his lips in the warm darkness. When a man laughs for joy at a joke she says. Or when a woman smiles a special smile for only him to see. When he doesn't cheat on her. When she looks in her eyes and they kiss. When he holds his hand. When they whisper those tender words together in the dark.
That's when I hate love. When I see the happiness in others' eyes.
And for that I should be damned for my selfishness.

I sit before my computer exanimate. I cannot thin beyond my now. I search in desperation for my future and find it gone. Where will I go, where will I be? I am a canvas-less scow amidst roiling waves. I want to make a future with someone. But I have nothing to offer. I'm working retail with no college beneath my belt and no goals to call my own. All are empty dreams held aloft by bare thread and simple twine. What woman would look to a blank slate of a man with no future and say, I wanna be with that??
No one.
Which, interestingly enough, is the same ammount of people who will read this post.
I'm going to go watch teletubbies, or some other kind of violetn method of suicide.

How sad is it when someone (namely this jerk) feels the need to seek emotional validation from a web forum? When same person airs his insecurities for all to see in the hopes that just one person will look and respond that it's not so? How ridiculous for someone (your lookin at him) to need such an outlet. Shouldn't we find our own emotional validation? Wouldn't a whole person be able to give themselves the only security they require? Does that not make any person who whines to his blog or his journal in an unabashed pity party in the hopes that someone will place a comment for him that validates him, horribly pathetic?
Such are my thoughts before work this morning.
This is gonna be a GREAT day.

So this being single thing is way sucky. Not as bad as being in the wrong relationship, but pretty damn close. And what really sucks is that I haven't got a clue how to fix this absence of partner. >.< My only regret from having been home-schooled my whole damn life. Complete void of social skills. Blah.

Why do I do this to myself?
Perhaps it is the human desire to take any gratification, even if it's only in the moment, no matter how transitory.
I got drunk again tonight. 4 years to the day since Nicky and I started going out. She got married some time last year... while we were dating. I should have let this shit go a long time ago. But I like inflicting bloody wounds on myself. I like to cut myself with my memories. After all, if you don't bleed, you're not alive, right? It doesn't matter, it's a moot point. For several hours tonight I was alive. a shot of tequilla, a shot of vodka, a shot of Black Haus. Then a strawberry Bacardi and another... a double shot of Sake... then a shot of Bacardi Gold. I was alive. Killing my liver, blubbering brain cells, getting horny as hell without outlet.
This is what it takes to be alive.
Horny as hell and too drunk to drive. But at least I'm alive. I say what I mean. Hell, if someone I thought were hot was around I'd probably even tell them how I felt. No inhibitions. The walls that are James are down. But in the morning they will be back. I will resent the letdown. Have a guilty feeling to go with this post, and somewhere the unquenched desire to have someone else to feel this with.
What a sorry wretch I am.

here's the thing.
Post three songs and their lyrics that you think best describe you. If you cannot find said songs or lyrics, than make them up

Bridge

You called me up on the phone today
struggling with the right words to say.
Time can change a thing or two.
Time has changed the lives of me and you,
but you know... it could have been different dad.

The word brings back a sweet memory.
I'm sitting on a bluff on a broken tree,
by my side a distinguished man
giving me encouragement, telling me I can,
and you know... you're not there.

You say, "Son, let's forget the past,
I want another chance, gonna make it last."
You're begging me for a brand new start,
trying to mend a bridge that's been blown apart,
but you know... you never built it dad.

So I sit here through the night,
and I write myself to sleep,
and time keeps ticking...

Time has made you finally realize
your loneliness and your guilt inside.
You're reaching for something you never had,
turning around now you're looking back,
and you know... I'm not there.

You say, "Son, let's forget the past.
I want another chance, gonna make it last."
You're begging me for a brand new start,
trying to mend a bridge that's been blown apart,
but you know... you never built it dad

<track 5 on Promised Land by Queensryche>


Without

Under here
There's no light
Take from me my sight
I don't need it anymore
You came here
With your fire
Burned out my desire
Took the whisper from the flame
I never wanted
I never knew
It was you
I stood there helpless
Far and away
Nothing left to say
And it feels the same that it did before
Only without you
And I cry the same that I did before
Only without you
I failed to see the light that was for me
I choked my resurrection

<track 12 on Evolver by Godhead>


How Can I Hold On

With nothing to hold on to
Why should i hold on
When there's nothing to hold on to
Sex made me feel alive
But now i'm so bored with mindless passion
Drugs were somewhere to hide
But they've left me feeling cold and empty

How can i hold on
With nothing to hold on to
Why should i hold on
When there's nothing to hold on to

I thought you were my friend
That you were someone that i could turn to
Now i realize
That you were a friend when you needed something

How can i hold on
With nothing to hold on to
Why should i hold on
When there's nothing to hold on to
How can i hold on
With nothing to hold on to
Why should i hold on
When there's nothing to hold on to

<track 2 on Darkest Days by Stabbing Westward>

...

As a young child I was cursed by a demon
with the insatiable urge to create
and the crippling inability to finish anything

Damn you demon

Well, one thing remains the same, unfortunately. Despite all the changes my life has gone through, I still drink too much, and spend way too much money on alcohol. *sigh* Oh well, the bills are paid and everything's clear in my checkbook, so I'm not being irresponsible, right? But it's hard to overcome twenty odd years of conditioning to think of drinking as bad. It makes me feel guilty to enjoy a night with friends and drink till I'm saying irreverant things and making everyone laugh. But it kinda makes me sad that when my friends think about drinking, I'm the person that comes to mind. A far cry from a couple of years back, before I turned 21, and I was determined that I would never drink.
My ex-roomate Matt once told me that I used to have his respect because of the loyal manner in which I held to my morals... I guess I must be a disappointment to him now.
Oh
Well...
It's just grass under the loud dog, now.
I would go drink right now, except that I would just end up wallowing in self absorbed melodrama. Best to drink with people. Then it's happy drunk, not depressed drunk.

It's been an interesting year so far.
New apartment, new job, kind of have a life. Old friends are going away, no new friends are replacing them. Still no girl. Don't know if there ever will be one again. I just can't seem to put my heart into it again. And right now is not the best time to tlak about it, because I'm uber wallowing and I'd just end up whining. Let's just say I don't see it in the stars. Anyhow, for now I'm going to wander off, but I'll be back I'm sure.... just don't know when.