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Fucking obsessive self-doubt.

Do I like her too much? Does she feel the same way? Am I putting forth too much effort? Is it unappreciated? Unwanted, even? Am I investing too much of myself? Am I opening myself up to heartache? Am I just a way to pass the time? Does she think of me when I'm not around? Want me? Need me? Does she want someone else? Am I too crazy? Am I expecting too much?

Shut up, brain! Stop thinking; everything is going to be ok.



Disclaimer: The preceding expresses the author's emotions at a specific point in time, and is not meant to describe any permanent state of mind.

After Friday night's SGTC get together, we figure our secret is out. The wonderful girl I've been writing about, who I'm completely, hopelessly smitten with is none other than our very own Ms_Magdalena. She is, simply, the most incredible woman ever.

I'll now have to start dodging death threats from all her internet admirers.

Ok, ok, I'll stop writing about her for now, because otherwise I'll just go on and on and on, and you all will probably get very bored with it.

But really, there's not much else going on in my life right now. At least nothing that seems worthy to write about in comparison.

I'm seriously thinking about buying a townhouse or other abode this spring or summer. I don't know how I'll ever afford it. It's such a huge step. But I'll figure out a way. It would really help if they would just finally give me my raise at work! Bastards! They keep putting it off.

Friday I went on a date with an attractive, intelligent young woman. It was a good time, and there's potential for me to like her. I think I'll be able to persuade her to go out with me again.

I've started playing WoW. I like it. I have a background in text-based online RPGs going back 15 years, and I have to say that WoW is much, much better. The quest system for gaining experience is a huge improvement over the grinding method employed in the old-school games. I always got bored with having to kill millions of monsters and other repetitive tasks. Leveling was always so slow! And all of the fun stuff happened at the higher levels. So far in WoW leveling has been fast, and there are interesting things even at the lower levels. Blizzard did an excellent job.

Let's see...what else is going on? I think that's about it, really. I left my house Friday, but have been inside ever since. I did absolutely nothing of note yesterday. I will do absolutely nothing of note today. Maybe watch some Super Bowl commercials, or try to get that attractive, intelligent young woman involved in conversation.

It's Saturday night, and I'm once again at home. I should get some sort of life. Or even better, you all should give up your social lives and sit at home Saturday nights so I have people to talk to.

I was supposed to have one of those things where a man and woman go out on a social activity. A date, I think. At least I think it was going to be a date. I never know about these things. I was kind of excited about it. But it's been postponed until later in the week. I can live with that; I'll just have to be excited next week instead.

I've wanted to play WoW for a long time now, except I think it's the sort of thing that would be more fun with a group of friends to play with. I don't know anyone who plays, and I'm not the sort of person who would go up to people in-game and say, "Hi. Can I join your group?"

My friend and I are talking about playing airsoft, however. Playing war games and shooting one another could be fun.

In better news, my finances are getting back on track. Things got kind of screwed up after my run-in with the law last February. It was rather expensive. Now I've got my savings up to about half of what I'd like them to be. I have an aggressive plan to pay off my credit card debt and accumulate the last half of my savings. Then I can actually start investing and preparing for the future.

Even with the troubles in the stock market, my pretend stocks are up!

I still doubt I'll ever be able to afford a house, though. It would help if I get the raise at work that I require and deserve. Maybe I'll just move to a manufactured home, though. You know, a trailer. We'll see.

That's all for now.

I have the day off today, since I work for a financial institution. I love banker's holidays.

Except I have the feeling I'm going to be exceptionally bored. I haven't left the house since I got home at noon on Friday. Well, I did leave for five minutes yesterday to get cigarettes, but that doesn't count.

That's no big deal, really, as long as there's something to do. But it's Monday. There won't be anything on television. I refuse to watch daytime programming!

Everyone will be at work, so there won't be anyone to communicate with through the internet. No comments to be had today, I'm sure.

Maybe I'll take some Valium and spend the day without a care in the world and sleeping.

It's not supposed to get about zero (Fahrenheit. That's about -18 for you metric folks.) here all weekend. They're talking windchills of -45 degrees.

I don't plan on leaving the house. I will have to go out once to buy cigarettes, but other than that I intend to huddle indoors.

I just wish I had someone to cuddle to stay warm!

I just watched Stardust. I hadn't seen it before, and I loved it! Robert De Niro was hilarious, Michelle Pfeiffer was amazing and beautiful as always.

But dear god, I have a huge crush on Claire Danes now.

I went to the Science Museum on Saturday to see the Pompeii exhibit. It was really good. I love the Science Museum; I'm completely behind it's mission to educate and engage the public in science, and I think it does a great job. I'd like some more advanced things, though. The material is a little basic for me. I wish they'd let me into the vault!

Anyway, the exhibit was great, but my favorite part of the day was at the end, and was only somewhat related to the display. The last room had a giant map on the floor showing all the active volcanoes in the world. This kid (by which I mean he was probably 20-22) was explaining the Ring of Fire around the Pacific to his date, and going into plate tectonics and such. He didn't look particularly nerdy, but he actually knew what he was talking about. I was impressed. She was also very cute, and was actually interested in what he was saying. Or at least she was pretending very well.

It was completely something I'd do. If I'd have had a date, I'd have been explaining the Ring of Fire and plate tectonics. I could only hope that she'd be as interested as his date was.

The other day I was talking with someone about how I'll never be able to afford a house, and I may as well take my dog and go live in the wilderness. I don't actually have a dog, but the more I thought about it, the more appealing the idea of tossing everything and living in the wilderness became. I'd get my dog, and a big wall tent with a stove, and my firearms, and supplies, and load it all into a canoe and take of into the BWCA and Superior National Forest to live life as a recluse.

No more society, and having to deal with people, and work, and crap. Make what money I needed by trapping and the occassional job as a guide.

But it'll probably never happen.

Now, at work, my boss's last day was Thursday; she resigned a couple weeks ago. I'm all on my own now. So now I have all my work to do, and all hers. I'm actually hoping to take over her job, but we'll see. Wish me luck!

So I got a text message at from the girl I like at 3:30 this morning, telling me she's a lesbian now. Not bi, like she said she was. No, she only likes girls now; she and her straight best friend had just been fucking. Just what I wanted to find out at 3:30 in the morning. In a fucking text message.

What new level of devilry is this that the demon Woman has devised for me? The rejections just keep getting worse and worse. What will it be next? I'm afraid to even imagine.

Yeah, I'm a bit upset.

I should really just give up on the whole women thing, or just find a woman to fuck and not get emotionally involved with. I'm tired of them hurting me.